Feeling sad-I always wanted 2 kids, but now...not sure I can handle it! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 08-20-2003, 12:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to share this...

I have an 8 1/2 month old dd. She is the joy of my life and I have LOVED every day parenting her.

She is an easy going baby but needs A LOT of help in the sleep dept! We co-sleep and nurse all night and nap in the sling. I try to nap when I can and otherwise am really sleep deprived.

I KNOW this isn't the right time to be thinking of this, but for some reason I just keep thinking-how could I ever get through this with another baby and dd?!!

I have always wanted 2 kids-my whole life! But now, I am just not sure I could handle this again...I know it gets easier and dd will eventually sleep!

Just wanted to see if anyone ever felt like this and then went on to have a 2nd and was fine with it?
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#2 of 7 Old 08-20-2003, 01:55 PM
 
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I have been having these exact same thoughts. Ds is 27 months, and we are planning on TTC the 2nd starting in October. One thing I have to keep remindg myself is that everything with babies and toddlers is temporary. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment (especially when it's being woken up 12 times during the night), but it really does end. Sometimes it gets worse temporarily (we went through a phase of being up at 5am!), but it always eventually gets better. While my ds still doesn't sleep through the night, despite being nightweaned, his waking is already so much better than it used to be. He used to wake up every hour until I came to bed, and then every 2-3 hours after that. It was driving me insane! I would lay there with a nipple in his mouth, fuming and feeling sorry for myself, and thinking about how there is no earthly way I could add a baby to this mix. And while I'm still not getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, our nights are so much better than they used to be. And it will still be at least another 9 months before adding another baby.

Dh and I decided to just go ahead and go for it, having faith that all of us will adapt and make it work. Ds is all of a sudden maturing so quickly - wanting to do stuff for himself (pour his drink, go down the big slide, put on his jacket and shoes), communicating better and being reasonable about things that he can and cannot have, etc. There are some days I feel like he doesn't even need me anymore!

I am still really scared at the idea of having a 2nd baby, but we know we want at least 1 and maybe 2 more. Even if you got pregnant tomorrow, a lot of things change from 8.5 months to 18 months. Ds is so different than he was 9 months ago.

And, I watch him with other babies - my neighbor's baby (who is 18 months younger than her first), my neice, etc. - he is so sweet, gentle and curious about babies, that it makes me want to have another one tomorrow!

It may be that you just decide to wait longer than some other parents do. Our ds will be just over 3 when our next baby is born (if all goes according to plan), and while I can definitely see advantages to having them closer in age, I just personally wasn't ready for the 2nd until now. Although don't misunderstand me - I still am not totally confident that I can do this. I am just leaping forward on the faith that our little family will adapt and it will work out just fine. But I do feel much more comfortable now than I would have a year ago.
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#3 of 7 Old 08-20-2003, 10:13 PM
 
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I am in exactly the same boat. My ds is 10 months and he only wakes up once but I usually have trouble falling asleep afterwards. I know its not as bad as a lot of people have it but I'm still tired all the time. I really want to have a 2nd baby but I feel that having kids is SO much harder when you AP and don't CIO. I honestly don't know if I have it in me. I was asking this girl in my mommy workout class how it is to have two kids and she said its not bad at all because her 2nd slept through the night at 2 months. (She let him CIO of course). But you know, I couldn't help but envy her a little. I just thought, how much easier it would be!

On a brighter note, most of my AP friends babies all started sleeping through the night around a year old and once they do they feel great and refreshed and forget all about the sleep deprivation they went through - kind of like childbirth. Some are already trying for number 2! I think I need at least 6 months of sleeping throught the night before I can get the courage!

Don't give up yet, it will get easier. Have you tried nightweaning? There's a great article on it on Dr. Jay Gordons website. he doesn't recommend it for babies younger than 12 months though.

Good luck!

"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" Lao Tzu
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#4 of 7 Old 08-21-2003, 12:11 AM
 
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Acugirl, I swear we are leading parallel lives. I could have written your post myself. I keep thinking, maybe I can manage this for 3 years (when I hope dd will be sleeping better!) but could I handle it for another 3? No way. I'm already 40 and dh is 45. I wish it was easier with dd, and I agree that people with lots of kids must let their kids CIO...although my mom swears she never did it and she had 5. However, she had to give my older brother sleeping pills when he was waking up 8 times/night and she had 2 other kids.
So, I'm also sad, because it looks like dd will be an only child. I just couldn't cope with going through this again.
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#5 of 7 Old 08-21-2003, 12:56 AM
 
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Wow, I could have totally written your post, word for word, almost. I also have an 8 1/2 month old with sleeping issues and have been sleep-deprived since he was born. He also nurses all night. And, I, too, have often wondered how I will manage will another child? I do plan to have the second child 4 years after DS though, so I am hoping that it will be a little easier that way. I know there is no way in heck I could handle another baby or even a pregnancy right now.

Anyway, no advice, but I can offer sympathy!
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#6 of 7 Old 08-23-2003, 08:09 PM
 
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Just to let you know, I had the exact same thoughts when DS #1 was a baby. I used to tell myself that it must get easier, because people have more than one kid. I was very overwhelmed and tired. (and suffering from some PPD). I just remember always feeling like I was in a sleepless fog, and wishing I could just sleep for a week. I would say to try not to think about #2 just yet, and take things one moment at a time. I have three now (5, 3, and 7 months) and yes, it is easier (well, at least not as overwhelming) once you get past the adjustment period with each one.

Lots of rest to you,
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#7 of 7 Old 08-23-2003, 08:43 PM
 
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I *was* exactly where you are now. Dd didn't sleep well AT ALL until about 14 months. Now she's 2 yrs 1 month and a great sleeper...also really growing in the independence dept. It's a good thing because we're due with #2 in Nov.

The months that you are in the midst of were the very hardest for me.....hope that helps.....it REALLY will get better!
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