How does DP/DH help at night? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First i should say that DH snores really loud so pre dd we slept in separate rooms because i am a very light sleeper. DD (8mo) is also a VERY light sleeper. DH could sleep through anything including her cries. He is also not very nice at night and has no clue. Like when i have woken him up at wits end he has said "leave me the f alone" and put a pillow over his head, he could also get violent if I push like take the pillow away and tell him he needs to help or whatever. He is not like that in general and WANTS to help at night but he cant control himself in the moment when he is tired.

Ok so that said. I just cant deal with no sleep anymore I am turning into a person I dont like and I really want him to help

DD nurses every 2 hours and mostly wants mommy and comfort now that she is used to that.

SO how can DH help? I have told him to get up and walk around wearing her in her ergo until she falls asleep then put her in bed... that hasnt happened yet but it would be helpful

What does your dp/dh do to help with a nursing baby at night?
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#2 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 06:22 PM
 
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Do you co-sleep with your DD? If you don't is it something you would consider? I can't imagine how hard it would be if DD didn't co-sleep with me. She wakes up a lot at night still and for the most part she just nurses and falls back to sleep.

DH only helped at night for the first two weeks when I needed a drink, pillows, cream etc... Since then he has only done nighttime duty when DD was sick and wasn't easily consoled. Before DD was born I had it in my head that DH wouldn't help since he can't breastfeed, so that is how it works for us. I do know there are other mom's out there who have a DH/ DP that help out.

Me: Shannon (33) mom to DD Everly born May 9, 2007 and Maisie born May 26
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#3 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 06:27 PM
 
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DH helped for the first few months by changing her diaper in the night. He is the same exact way at night. Gets mean and rude. He doesn't remember it. Latley he's been starting to wake up when she cries! Thank the Lord! Now we have a deal, he gets up with her on his days off in the morning so I can sleep in But other than that its all me at night.

Danielle*

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expecting our miracle babies around 5.12.10- praying that baby B grows healthy and strong!
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#4 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 06:39 PM
 
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He's not much use at night, because Fish just wants Mommy (she's 11 months). However, she's an early bird, so he gets up with her at 5:30am and lets me sleep for two more hours. Then he has to get ready for work. It works out fairly well - I get some uninterrupted sleep, and she gets breakfast with Daddy!
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#5 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 08:05 PM
 
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I am a REALLY heavy sleeper and can sort of relate to the OPs partner (although I've never become violent....I can be sort of pissy though!). That being said, Dh is the one who gets ds the first time overnight. He changes him and then wakes me up to nurse him. We've sort of established a routine where he works on getting me up first so I can go to the bathroom and rouse a bit while he's with ds. Then for the rest of the night ds is in bed wiht us and Dh will just wake me up to feed him.

It's funny because when ds was really young, 3-10wks, I would spend one weeknight at my parents b/c dd was not sleeping well with the baby waking. During that time I did much better, got up when he cried and totally handled it on my own. I guess there's something about knowing I was "on" that made me more alert.

How are your dh's sleep habits? Could he go to sleep earlier, and do you think that would even help with the overnight stuff? Is there a time when he could take over so you could nap? Not sure what else to offer besides validation that lack of sleep is SO incredibly hard!

Happy Mommy to one amazing girl (6y) and one sweet boy (2y), and wife to DH since 7/03 : :
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#6 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 09:59 PM
 
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Ohmygosh, I always thought my DP was the only one who was like that in the night! Now I am less suspicious that he's just making it up that he doesn't realize he is doing it.

The first few nights after we had DD, DP would sometimes take her outside for walks in the sling in the middle of the night. But once he went back to work I stopped waking him up to help in the night because his job then, and the one he has now, would be dangerous if he was the least bit tired or not alert. Luckily, since about 1.5 months, DD falls back to sleep during the night by nursing which I don't even have to get out of bed to do. (That said, when she was waking every 1.5-2 hrs to nurse, I was a zombie the next day even though we co-sleep).
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#7 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 10:10 PM
 
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DP helps by taking care of our two and a half year old dd at bedtime and in the night. We all co-sleep, so I nurse on and off all night long.

Diane, SAHM to DD (June 05) and DS (April 07).
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#8 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 10:24 PM
 
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He doesn't. I actually don't want him to anyway. Night is my special time to have DS all to myself without the other kids and DH needing my attention.
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#9 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 10:40 PM
 
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Can he do what a pp talked about and get up with the babe in the morning so you can have a couple hours of uninterupted sleep? We do that in our house too. DH is a morning person. I am NOT. DD is so used to being with her daddy in the mornings. The other morning I got up with her and she seemed genuinely confused.

Casey, wife to Danny, mom to Olive : and Darcy : .
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#10 of 23 Old 03-29-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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Mine's pretty much the same, though I don't need help that much now. Our DS will be 2 months old on the 5th of March, and he only wakes up once at night fussing a bit, but goes right back to sleep. Then he wakes up when DH goes to work to nurse.
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#11 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 08:21 AM
 
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I like the idea of DH helping by giving you a nap in the morning.

At night DS gets upset if DH tries to sooth him - so I'm 100% the night carer.

But the other day DH took DS out of the house for a couple of hours and I had a snooze. It totally recharged my batteries - absolute bliss.
Perhaps you could book a morning nap into your weekly routine, say Sunday mornings DH has some baby bonding time - you get some mommy time. Make sure he takes LO for a walk out of the house though - you dont want him tempted to check in too early

Mel - Loving mama and wife to the A team
From little things, big things grow
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#12 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 09:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
First i should say that DH snores really loud so pre dd we slept in separate rooms because i am a very light sleeper. DD (8mo) is also a VERY light sleeper. DH could sleep through anything including her cries. He is also not very nice at night and has no clue. Like when i have woken him up at wits end he has said "leave me the f alone" and put a pillow over his head, he could also get violent if I push like take the pillow away and tell him he needs to help or whatever. He is not like that in general and WANTS to help at night but he cant control himself in the moment when he is tired.

Ok so that said. I just cant deal with no sleep anymore I am turning into a person I dont like and I really want him to help

DD nurses every 2 hours and mostly wants mommy and comfort now that she is used to that.

SO how can DH help? I have told him to get up and walk around wearing her in her ergo until she falls asleep then put her in bed... that hasnt happened yet but it would be helpful

What does your dp/dh do to help with a nursing baby at night?

i could have written your post. my DH is basically useless at night. so to answer your question as to what does he do to help...NOTHING! and i would rather have it that way. he is mean when he is tired, so i would rather he stay asleep and i can deal with DS alone. my DS is 1 year old and has slept thru the night ONE time. so i can understand your frustration. i have no words of advice, but people keep telling me that it gets better!!
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#13 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 10:55 AM
 
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he tries not to elbow dd!

no really, when I had a baby who pooped at night(dd1) he would change her diapers. If the baby is crying enough to keep us both awake he will take turns doing whatever to help, but in general he sleeps through most of the fussing that happens. men, ya know.

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

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#14 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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its all night-time mothering here, not parenting

i also have a DP who's useless if woken up and is just such a grouch bag its no fun for anyone. I am a morning person and he's not so i dont get the morning lie-ins either (well, its happened twice on special occasions so far!)... its hard when u have different sleep patterns like he likes to stay up late...while even if i wanted to, i cant bc by 9pm i'm done...resentment does build... but i'm trying to accept it. now that i've gone back to mostly co-sleeping its so much better for everyone - DP doesnt get as disturbed either. Funny how he thought it was such a bad idea
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#15 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 05:15 PM
 
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Well, it's early days yet--Rowan's two weeks old today!--but DH has been fantastic. He changes her, helps shift her to the other side of me for nursing as required, doesn't complain if I need the bedside lamp on to help her latch on, offers me water, hands me towels and hankies and things to sop up milk or baby vomit as required (charming)... it's rather nice actually. Usually Rowan is consoled by nursing, but if she's upset for some other reason he'll do more than his fair share of burping her, cuddling her and so on. He gets a little frustrated with her at 3AM when she won't stop crying, but only to the point of soothing her in a slightly sarcastic tone, for which I consider him a saint.

DH went back to work today, though. I'll try to do more of the night-time stuff from now on, just to prevent him becoming a zombie at work. After all, Rowan and I can sleep in!

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#16 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 05:50 PM
 
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My DH also works during the day, so I do most of the night-time parenting just because I feel it's only fair; however, if DS is really having a bad night (like when we were going through teething) DH will help by getting the Tylenol if I'm trying to comfort a screaming kid, etc. He also lets me sleep in at least one weekend morning each week so I can get a couple of uninterrupted hours of sleep (he knows how much I need this, while he's always been one of those enviable people who does well on little sleep). I get frustated from time to time that it's all on me, but mostly it's not a problem thankfully.

Kerry, wife to Chris and SAHM to Liam Michael Orion (06/29/07), Jonah Phoenix (10/07/09), and Naomi Lyra (09/15/13)!!
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#17 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 11:41 PM
 
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He doesn't and that's ok....actually....he helps by sleeping on a blowup mattress in the "babies room"....and I have the king bed and the baby. He sleeps at night....I don't...but...

He cooks and really helps out with our DD who is 2 1/2. SO it's a good tradeoff. I know it can't be like this "forever"...but sure feels like it when you are going through it!
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#18 of 23 Old 03-30-2008, 11:57 PM
 
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Yeah. DH doesn't help at night, and I try to wake him no earlier than 6am. He's the one earning the paycheck that let's me stay home with my lovlies. I wish that he realistically could help more at night, but he's a disaster when sleep depeived. It's a net family win for me to do all night time parenting.
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#19 of 23 Old 03-31-2008, 12:58 AM
 
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My DH doesn't help much at night...unless she is screaming and we can't get her calm no matter what then we both try but on the weekends I make him help more. so maybe he could pick up the slack on the weekends to give you a break...also co-sleeping might help if you aren't already doing it!

Bobbi
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#20 of 23 Old 03-31-2008, 02:04 PM
 
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I feel very lucky that DH is so great about this. We call him The Night Watchman--he basically tends to DD at night for everything but nursing. He gets dropped pacis, reminds her that someone's around if she's lonely and generally soothes her if she needs something. If she's not calming quickly, he gets me and I feed her. He doesn't see her much during the days so he counts on that as "his" time with her during the week. If there's a bad stretch of days and she's not sleeping well, we'll take shifts and the other one gets some uninterrupted sleep on the couch in the back of the house. He's a good partner and handles sleep deprivation better than I do.

Mama to DD (06/30/07).
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#21 of 23 Old 03-31-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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My son was pretty easy at night--stick a boob in his mouth, he'd nurse and fall back asleep. Not to say that there weren't nights when that was often. But, there wasn't really much dh could do. He couldn't magically lactate, you know?

But...when ds was a newborn, we started having Saturday mornings be my day to sleep late. He gets up early with ds every single Saturday, and I sleep in as much as I need. It's really great.
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#22 of 23 Old 03-31-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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he'll change his diaper & hand him off to me to nurse! If he isn't too sleepy Dh will rub/tickle my back while I nurse!!!! he's awesome. I know he wishes he could do more to help.
But he'll get his turn. In a couple weeks I'm back to work part-time! and I'll be working one 12 hour graveyard shift a week. It will be a little more work for him. I can just pop a boob in babes mouth... dh will have to get up & get a bottle ready.
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#23 of 23 Old 03-31-2008, 02:42 PM
 
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DH gives DS1 a bath and reads him stories while I nurse DS2 (and surf the net ). When DS2 is asleep, I go give him to DH who holds him while I cuddle DS1 to sleep. I nurse DS2 as needed throughout the night and DH usually gets up with whichever DS wakes up first in the am while I sleep with the other one. Of course I get up early on the rare occasions that DH is more tired than I am. Luckily he just naturally requires less sleep than I do, and since I am up nursing during the night, he takes care of most other nighttime or early morning needs.
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