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#61 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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I feel like that sometimes, although my feelings are not as intense as yours.

Your needs DO matter very much, but your baby is not yet old enough to understand that. She's NOT doing it purposely to thwart you.

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#62 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 04:36 PM
 
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IT is amazing to read how many moms feel the same way. Thank God, becuase I feel like that 4-5 days out of the week. It is not all day, usually about an hour or two each day. I wonder if it would be easier if I wasn't in the picture. But than I have awesome days (like yesterday) and it really helps.
I think for me, working part time will help a ton also. YOu know, as a human noone is completely satisfied. If you don't have kids, you wonder if you should, and if you do you wonder what life would be like w/o.

Oh well...
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#63 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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Oh, mama, I just wanted to send you some big hugs! I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time!

We all have tough days, days where we feel like our little ones are inconsolable and where we just can't get it right. It sounds like you're having more than a few of those! It sounds like your baby is very high-needs. I don't think your feelings are necessarily abnormal, considering that it sounds like you are stressed and tired, but I don't think you just have to accept that that's how you feel either.

A few things I would suggest trying:
-Please, please do talk to someone about PPD. I would also suggest having your thyroid levels checked, maybe iron too.
-I'd talk to the pediatrician about silent reflux -- it can cause babies to be miserable, even though they're not visibly spitting up. You might also try cutting out certain foods from your diet while nursing (dairy is a common problem) to see if they help her at all.
-Look for a chiropractor for your baby. Sometimes they can make a huge difference for infants.
-Do you have a comfortable sling or carrier? That might help her nap a bit better, and it's a break for your arms. The lovely people at thebabywearer.com can help you find one that is right for you, your baby, and your budget.
-If a swing or bouncy chair help her sleep better so that you're not so stressed out, then great! Or putting her carseat in the car and going for a ride, or taking a walk or whatever.
-Will she sleep on the bed if you are lying next to her? If so, then no matter what else needs to be done, give yourself permission to lie down and nap with her. Sleep deprivation makes everything just so much worse and harder.

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#64 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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First of all hugs to you, I feel your pain. You were brave and honest enough to face up to your feelings and post them - I bet you felt better after that post alone, eh?

I think the key is acceptance. All mothers everywhere are linked in this vast sisterhood of sacrifice, service and love. The only thing that keeps the wheels of duty and sacrifice rolling smoothly is love - and if you can't quite muster up love yet, start with acceptance. When she won't stop crying even when all her needs are met, when she wakes up for the nth time at night, when you hear that inevitable whimper after just 10 minutes of naptime, don't stiffen yourself in resistance or put energy into wishing it wasn't happening...just loosen up and accept yes, she's crying again, yes, she's woken up for the 17th time, yes she wants to be held all the time, yes, yes, YES to everything. Just surrender to it. You know this too shall pass, though it might seem like it's an eternity now.
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#65 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 05:10 PM
 
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Not everyone who is resentful and angry about parenting when they first get thrown into the ring are dealing with mental health problems. It is normal and human.
I totally agree its not going to be constant sunshine and roses and gerber commercial. Obviously its normal to have moments of "WTF did I do??!" at 2am when you are sleep deprived and starving and everything seems to be dismal.

But sorry, four months of hating every second with your baby, and having that kind of anger and repulsion towards your child...is NOT normal and human. It requires help and attention.

Mama to nine gorgeous babies, with finale #10 due April'14.
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#66 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 05:12 PM
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I think a lot of mamas on here have great thoughts and suggestions. It might be ppd, it might not be, and it sounds like your baby is very high needs, but I do think it's totally normal to not be feeling over the moon about motherhood, to feel like you're drowning in someone else's needs and losing yourself, and to be incredibly frustrated. It IS a thankless job, especially in the early months. And it can be hard to see so many mother romanticizing and loving those newborn days, and wondering what's wrong that you don't feel the same way.
The big things I'd say (and echo from others' posts) are:
- get some help, and find some time to yourself. I think there are a few women who really are content being with their LOs 24/7, but many of us need a few hours here and there to just be ourselves, with no one "needing" us quite so much. Go for a walk, or a bike ride, or get a pedicure, or visit with a friend, or take a nap - whatever you'd find refreshing and relaxing, and that would help you remember that you're still "you," despite now also being a mom.
- Go outside with your LO, get out, go for walks, try to meet other mothers so you can have some adult interaction, etc.
- consider the possibility that it could be PPD and look into treatment
- realize that it really DOES get better. Those people who say "oh, enjoy it now, soon they'll be talking back to you" don't know what the hell they're talking about, IMO. Every single month that DD has gotten older has been better than the month before. She's more interactive, more fun, and it's not nearly so thankless and monotonous. And it becomes much rarer that they cry for no reason. I feel like I have my life back now, to some extent. Different than pre-baby, of course, but it's not the way it was in those first few months when i wondered if i could ever just be myself again.

With all that, and having had a relatively easy baby, i still am not sure that I'd feel as good about motherhood now if I was a fulltime SAHM. That's meaning no offense at all to women who do stay home - and I often feel guilt about leaving my LO in someone else's care some of the time - it's just knowing myself, and the fact that as much as I love my daughter, and love motherhood, I need to have some other, more intellectually stimulating and adult-oriented interaction/purpose in my life. Then I appreciate the time I do spend with my daughter that much more. I don't think this is the case for everyone - I only mention it because I think that for someone, recognizing that need, if they have it, can make them a better and happier parent.

Hang in there! 2
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#67 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 05:17 PM
 
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I actually think it's outside the realm of normal. I know you dont' want to talk about PPD, but I think something is going on.
I have to agree. My ppd manifested in a similar way (although I had those kinds of feelings towards my toddler, not the baby). I didn't get help until 5 months pp, and I wish I had done it sooner. If you're feeling like this all of the time, I don't think it's normal.
Fwiw, I also really rejected the idea of it being ppd and felt that I was just an inadequate mother, that I should have been able to deal with it.

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I agree with you here-- I think in some situations, for some moms, AP done to the extreme turns into a (self) abusive situation for the mother. I had to learn where to draw the line some years ago, for my own safety and sanity. I do as much as I can AP-wise but I have learned to recognize my limits and I respect them, for the most part.
Ita with this too...

A

A

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#68 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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I totally agree its not going to be constant sunshine and roses and gerber commercial. Obviously its normal to have moments of "WTF did I do??!" at 2am when you are sleep deprived and starving and everything seems to be dismal.

But sorry, four months of hating every second with your baby, and having that kind of anger and repulsion towards your child...is NOT normal and human. It requires help and attention.
The hating every second statement seems to be yours, not hers, and I reread.
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#69 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 06:18 PM
 
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Your experience sounds a lot like mine with my daughter, who was my second child. She was colicky, fussy, and miserable. She wasn't into nursing--she's latch on for five minutes every three hours and if you offered it off her little schedule, she'd scream in your face. She didn't want to co-sleep. She sucked her thumb. She didn't seem to like me very much. It wasn't until she was hospitalized at 18 months that I finally felt I had bonded with her. When I told my husband that, he said he didn't know whether to be happy for me or shocked because he had no idea there were still issues.

I did have PPD. Medication was like a miracle to me, and so was having good friends and a support system. All the suggestions here are good ones. Even if you don't want to label what's going on as PPD, following some of the suggestions may still help. It sounds as if you are really, really frustrated to the point where you are feeling like you may do something harmful to your baby. No matter where that's coming from--PPD, lack of sleep, lack of support, or something else--it definitely merits looking at and trying to figure out.

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#70 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 06:29 PM
 
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You have a very high needs baby. Everyone here who has never had one CANNOT know what you are going through. At all.

I had a traumatic birth experience, followed by a week long NICU stay, and extreme colic on top of a very high needs baby. The sleep deprivation, the physical healing taking place, and dealing with PTSD (both myself, and, I believe, my ds) took its toll. I think your little one is reacting to her entrance to the world. She was probably going to be high needs anyways, but the trauma of her birth has caused her to feel even less secure & therefore more needy.

My ds was having nightmares until about 5 months, which I believe, where from his birth. We were separated the first 24 hours while he was poked, proded and didn't know a soul. He also is EXTREMELY sensitive to corn, dairy, garlic and potatoes.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that you are not alone. I don't think many of the people who tell you this isn't "normal" know what they are talking about. You are recuperating from the birth, both physically, mentally & emotionally. You are drained. Yet you are suffering from sleep-deprivation and a constantly crying baby. Your adrenals may also be shot. Mine were already crap during pregnancy. Shot adrenals can be contributing to the lack of coping too. I am still dealing with them, since it takes a lot of time to fix.

I have been there. There were nights were all I could do was hand ds to his dad, while crying my eyes out and so frustrated that I wanted to get into a physical altercation with someone to just burn off the steam. Having a high needs, colicy, and traumatized baby is NOT the norm. Therefore everyone telling you that what your feeling is not normal is WRONG. Only if you've been there before do you know what it is like.

I will say that 4 months is still too young for the "they get better as they get older" comment. I started to really see changes around 6 months, and now that ds is almost 9 months, it is SOOOOO much better. Your daughter is probably still in her colic phase. It'll take a while to phase out. It's not always instantaneous.

Get Dr. Sear's Parenting the High needs & fussy baby book. Or look here http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050100.asp

It helped a lot. Also, one feature of high needs babies are that they usually develop mentally a lot faster than physically. Once they realize that everyone can sit/move/run and pick up stuff, they want to do that too. And it pisses them off that they can't. They know what they want and don't give up easily, if at all.

Your dd will not stop crying if you let her CIO. That's the difference between high needs babies and "normal" babies. They won't give up. So don't feel like CIO is an alternative. It would lead to the same situation, but further traumatize you & your little one.
Oh, and nursing felt like torture for me too for at least the first 5 months because the only way ds knew how to comfort himself was boobie. I felt trapped just like you. One thing that helped was getting lots of books, the computer and/or the tv near my during those nursing marathons. I still do this when he needs boobie for a few hours. That way I can switch around and not feel completely trapped.

Helpful things to do:
Keep wearing, nursing, playing with your baby (even if she's screaming)

Eliminate major allergens from your diet. It'll take at least 2 weeks to work out of your lo's system. Try Corn, Soy, Wheat and dairy to start. Focus on rice dishes,lol.

Give your husband your daughter and LEAVE THE HOUSE. Take some money with you and wander in a thrift/dollar store if money is tight. Main thing is GET OUT. If that means your lo will have a bottle of formula, it is worth it and it WON'T impact your supply. Make this a daily habit. Well, at least 5 days a week, or something. It helps so much to have a block of an hour or two just for yourself. It's addictive.

You can give dh your lo to care for during the first half of the night. In those early months, dh took ds from 12am-4am, I got him from 4am to 8am, then dh would get up and walk him around after I had fed him for an hour while I slept in. Those 4 hours of solid sleep HELPED so much!!! Move it around to work with your dh's work schedule.

Drink Gatorade or some other electrolyte drink. You need to give your body replacements to recuperate from birth. Make sure you are getting enough iron. Stock things you can make quickly (think frozen convenience foods). Trader Joe's Indian and curry foil pouches & frozen brown rice saved my butt during those early days.

Get some hylands colic calm tablets, cocyntal and gripe water. Use liberally. Ds suffered from aweful tummy aches and those three would calm him enough to get him to sleep. Here's a link: http://www.nextag.com/colic-baby-remedy/search-html

To solve the night sleep issues, have you thought of sidecarring a crib? It is awesome. Put ds in the crib, lie into it, nurse him to sleep, then lift yourself off & onto your bed. I can move without disturbing him, and I can sleep deeper since he's on "his" side, kwim? Here's a link: http://groups.msn.com/SteveandLishsF...decarcrib.msnw

Your little one may also be cranky from lack of sleep. I finally (within the last month) figured out that whenever my son does a deep, frantic, full blown crying so hard he can't breath type of cry, it's because he is COMPLETELY exhausted and doesn't know how to get to sleep. All it takes is putting him to the boob & in 5 min, he's gone. It took him a few months to really ingrain the connection between boob, calmness, relaxation & sleep, mind you. But once he did, it was his fallback. Oh, and ds hated napping and would not sleep until he was that exhausted. I tried.

Things will get better. Right now you are laying the foundation of trust for your little one. Believe me, my son was just as bad. Nowadays, he may still have some fits 'cuz he wants to move (still not crawling) but he calms down as soon as he is in my arms. This took him many, many months of repeated behavior for him to fully trust in it. Even now, whenever he is feeling insecure, he wants me, not his dad or anyone else. This is from following AP principles, I believe. It will take time.

And not everyone enjoys the infant stage. I don't like the newborn stage at all (they are tiny & cute, but everything else sucks). Once she's able to sit up & be more interactive, it will get better & better, little by little. My mom did not like the infant stage at all. She likes the kindergarten age & up. It all depends on the person.

Sending lots & lots of ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Ami

Wife to dh, Mommy to my heavenly angel, J (06), and my earthly angels, S (07) and E (10)

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#71 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 07:33 PM
 
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"I think you just haven't bonded with your baby yet and this is completely normal."

No, it is not normal. It's common, yes, but not normal in the least. And it falls right in line with her having had a traumatic birth.

RaeAnne, I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sorry if someone already made this point. But it sounds to me that you're in a vicious cycle. The more stressed out you are, the more stressed out the baby is going to be, because those stress hormones get transferred to her. That means it's not your fault, and it's not her fault, and no you are not crazy or bad for feeling this way. It's completely reasonable given the circumstances. The trick is finding the way out of the vicious cycle, or hanging on until it winds down.
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#72 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 08:17 PM
 
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But sorry, four months of hating every second with your baby, and having that kind of anger and repulsion towards your child...is NOT normal and human. It requires help and attention.
I think you're blowing it out of proportion. Nothing was ever said about anger/repulsion.

Also, it's a bit rude to judge what is not normal and human for one person to feel. You are not them so you couldn't know. Everyone's life is different and every person is built differently.

It's pretty obvious that quite a few people here just aren't getting what the OP is trying to express. And judging by some of the questions being asked some obviously didn't even read her post closely enough....

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#73 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 08:36 PM
 
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The hating every second statement seems to be yours, not hers, and I reread.
Subject line.

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#74 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 08:41 PM
 
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Then there are the people with older children who say babies are so great, and so much easier, "Just wait until their running around and saying 'No, then you'll appreciate this time.'" WTF??? Seriously, what if it doesn't get better? Every age has something crappy about it. What if I never like this?
Yeah, people will tell you that. Just ignore them and try to resist the urge to punch them in the nose. Even if it doesn't *actually* get much better, it will feel like it's better, in many cases, and that's what counts.

I think every age does have something crappy about it...and something good that maybe you'll miss after the fact.

As far as PPD goes, well, I believe that a lot of this is part of the post partum experience, and that many many women have feelings like this. Getting help could mean a lot of different things, including what you are doing here with laying out your feelings and hopefully getting some emotional support and commiseration. At least it's a start, right? I think going from having no children to one is a huge thing, it's a complete worldview change in some cases. And parenting does plain suck, sometimes, IMO.

That's not to say that there isn't something medically wrong or that your circumstances aren't unusual. It does sound like you have a really tough situation there, but I do hope it is something that will get better over time. My first child cried a lot more than my second one, who was so easy. I remember despairing when she was crying while I was holding her. I called my sister up, complaining about the crying and not being able to fix it, feeling like I was supposed to understand the code and I just didn't get it. She said that she used to feel overwhelmed too, and after she made sure everything was OK, she'd set her baby down and say, "Cry if you want to, I can't do anything for you." Just that feeling of taking it so personally, like the baby is rejecting you and everything you have to give. Her husband used to have to pace the floors for hours with his crying child in his arms. I was much luckier, I usually could boob her down. That baby crying mom feeling overwhelmed part does better, although I do feel like it goes in stages, good months and bad.

I'll be thinking of you.
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#75 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to everyone. Stuff, you know.

I want to reply to a lot of people, but there are too many to have all those quotes, so I hope I address everything.

First, I want to thank the people who said this was normal, and to just "throw away the books." This is a huge part of my problem. Everyone else gets to make the rules, and then I feel like a failure because I never live up to them. This has always been true in every other area of my life, so it makes sense that I would feel like this now. They say it's not your fault if they cry, but if they cry for a reason (and I honestly believe they do), and I can't figure out what the reason is, how is it not my fault that they're still crying? I'm getting off track. I just really appreciate the people who were willing to admit they had hard time with their infants, and it didn't get better for months (or many months). I have always loved kids. I love my niece like my own daughter (she's almost 8). I know about kids that can TALK. I feel like I would rather have a child argue with me, yelling at me, but know why they're mad, than have a baby cry and not know why.

Yes, she did have colic. We finally figured out that it was dairy, so now I'm off of that (which is another stress, because I can't enjoy eating nearly as much, and every once in awhile it is apparent that SOMETHING had dairy in it without me knowing, which makes me feel even more like my efforts aren't enough). She's not crying all the time, she just cries when she's bored, I guess, and tired, and can't fall asleep on her own, so I end up walking her and having to be so CAREFUL, but she STILL starts crying again....

Yes, sleep. It does make a difference in how I feel. And with the ppd, I guess I feel like it invalidates my feelings. Oh, things aren't as bad as you think, it's just hormones. I don't understand how they AREN'T this bad. I feel like I'm being very honest and reasonable, I just get overwhelmed and don't have positive coping mechanisms. I even tried going for a walk with dd, and I HATE being outside, and 2/3 times she CRIED. So even THAT effort wasn't good enough.

And as for leaving her to cry in a safe place... Um, hasn't everyone been putting all this effort into telling everyone that it's abusive to let a baby cry alone because you are essentially telling them that nobody cares about them, so why bother crying anyway? I'm really sorry, but you just can't have it both ways.

And just to make everyone feel better, I don't always feel this way, it's just under the surface all the time. I enjoy when she "talks," when I can make her laugh, when she reaches milestones (I was so excited and surprised when she suddenly rolled over for the first time that I actually cried). I actually appreciate the fact that she knows what she wants and isn't content to be mindless. I'm subborn too, so I see it as a strength. It's just those times when I'm overwhelmed....

I really appreciate those of you who told me you felt the same way. I hope it does get better. I feel like it will, but it seems stupid to think I know about something more than others who have already been through it (the "terrible twos," etc.). I've just wanted to be a mom for SO long, it's scary to think that maybe I s*ck at it and never should have had a baby in the first place.

RaeAnne
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#76 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 08:58 PM
 
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I don't think anyone was suggesting to "leave her cry in a safe place" for any extended amount of time. That would be CIO and would be against the User Agreement. What I saw was people suggesting that if you feel like you're going to lose it, it's OK to put her down for a minute and walk away and collect yourself. It's not ideal for a baby to cry alone, but it's better than a mama hurting the baby. I'm not saying you would, but if you feel like you might, even a little bit, it's the lesser of two evils to walk away.

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#77 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 09:10 PM
 
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Attachment Parenting is not just about the baby. It's about meeting the needs of the baby in a manner that is conducive to the family. If you have a high-needs baby that cries a lot, it's ok to put the baby down and let her cry while you eat/toilet/shower/dress/etc. You still have to take care of yourself. Attachment parenting fully supports taking care of the mom too. It's really hard to be a good mother to your baby, if you don't take care of yourself first.

I'm sorry that you don't want to hear about PPD. It really does sound like you may have it. This isn't anything to be ashamed about. I was fully prepared for it with my first, and it didn't happen. I figured that I wouldn't ever get it then. I was completely blindsided after my second kid. In the depths of PPD, I didn't think that I had it either. It can be really hard to see, when you're in the midst of it. Looking back now, it is really amazing to me how bad it was, and I was unable to see it. Please, don't blow off those of us who are mentioning it. We're bringing it up from a place of love and either having been there ourselves (or knowing someone close us who has), and we see the same things that we felt.
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#78 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you don't want to hear about PPD. It really does sound like you may have it. This isn't anything to be ashamed about.
I think the problem is sometimes it's just such an either or situation. Oh, problems with the baby and your emotions? Sure sure, it can be hard. Oh, more? It's probably PPD, you should get some help. Now, let's talk about normal life. Maybe it's just me, but that is how talking about the life changing emotional upheaval, the negative feelings as well as the positive happy stuff felt sometimes. Like if it was really tough, it was this medical condition that could fixed, when in part I feel like it's a symptom of the way we are expected to live our lives these days. And if I wasn't on antidepressants, it's like I have no room to talk because my problem clearly wasn't serious enough. Oh well, sorry to go on about myself, but it's hard to get medical help, even when you are pretty sure you have a real problem. Or maybe I'm just totally ineffectual.
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#79 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 09:56 PM
 
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I think the problem is sometimes it's just such an either or situation. Oh, problems with the baby and your emotions? Sure sure, it can be hard. Oh, more? It's probably PPD, you should get some help. Now, let's talk about normal life. Maybe it's just me, but that is how talking about the life changing emotional upheaval, the negative feelings as well as the positive happy stuff felt sometimes. Like if it was really tough, it was this medical condition that could fixed, when in part I feel like it's a symptom of the way we are expected to live our lives these days. And if I wasn't on antidepressants, it's like I have no room to talk because my problem clearly wasn't serious enough. Oh well, sorry to go on about myself, but it's hard to get medical help, even when you are pretty sure you have a real problem. Or maybe I'm just totally ineffectual.
Well put.
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#80 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:00 PM
 
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I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to everyone. Stuff, you know.

I want to reply to a lot of people, but there are too many to have all those quotes, so I hope I address everything.

First, I want to thank the people who said this was normal, and to just "throw away the books." This is a huge part of my problem. Everyone else gets to make the rules, and then I feel like a failure because I never live up to them. This has always been true in every other area of my life, so it makes sense that I would feel like this now. They say it's not your fault if they cry, but if they cry for a reason (and I honestly believe they do), and I can't figure out what the reason is, how is it not my fault that they're still crying? I'm getting off track. I just really appreciate the people who were willing to admit they had hard time with their infants, and it didn't get better for months (or many months). I have always loved kids. I love my niece like my own daughter (she's almost 8). I know about kids that can TALK. I feel like I would rather have a child argue with me, yelling at me, but know why they're mad, than have a baby cry and not know why.

Yes, she did have colic. We finally figured out that it was dairy, so now I'm off of that (which is another stress, because I can't enjoy eating nearly as much, and every once in awhile it is apparent that SOMETHING had dairy in it without me knowing, which makes me feel even more like my efforts aren't enough). She's not crying all the time, she just cries when she's bored, I guess, and tired, and can't fall asleep on her own, so I end up walking her and having to be so CAREFUL, but she STILL starts crying again....

Yes, sleep. It does make a difference in how I feel. And with the ppd, I guess I feel like it invalidates my feelings. Oh, things aren't as bad as you think, it's just hormones. I don't understand how they AREN'T this bad. I feel like I'm being very honest and reasonable, I just get overwhelmed and don't have positive coping mechanisms. I even tried going for a walk with dd, and I HATE being outside, and 2/3 times she CRIED. So even THAT effort wasn't good enough.

And as for leaving her to cry in a safe place... Um, hasn't everyone been putting all this effort into telling everyone that it's abusive to let a baby cry alone because you are essentially telling them that nobody cares about them, so why bother crying anyway? I'm really sorry, but you just can't have it both ways.

And just to make everyone feel better, I don't always feel this way, it's just under the surface all the time. I enjoy when she "talks," when I can make her laugh, when she reaches milestones (I was so excited and surprised when she suddenly rolled over for the first time that I actually cried). I actually appreciate the fact that she knows what she wants and isn't content to be mindless. I'm subborn too, so I see it as a strength. It's just those times when I'm overwhelmed....

I really appreciate those of you who told me you felt the same way. I hope it does get better. I feel like it will, but it seems stupid to think I know about something more than others who have already been through it (the "terrible twos," etc.). I've just wanted to be a mom for SO long, it's scary to think that maybe I s*ck at it and never should have had a baby in the first place.

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dd (1/08)
I really feel for you and I wish it was safer for people to talk about these crazy and scary emotions we sometimes have transitioning into parenthood. It is hard! But you care, so you don't suck as a mom. You obviously care so much about your little girl.... you will get through this hard time.
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#81 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:02 PM
 
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I read about your birth from other posts...do you think it's possible you have some PTSD?
I've been thinking of you all day long and hoping that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you are alright. Be gentle with yourself, mama, and know that there are MANY people thinking of you and sending support!

Kier: wife to Jared, mama to Emma ('05), Savannah ('07), and our newest little love Reid (June 30, '09) -intact because of all of YOU! I had an ecstatic birth, at home in the water!
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#82 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:16 PM
 
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I really appreciate those of you who told me you felt the same way. I hope it does get better. I feel like it will, but it seems stupid to think I know about something more than others who have already been through it (the "terrible twos," etc.). I've just wanted to be a mom for SO long, it's scary to think that maybe I s*ck at it and never should have had a baby in the first place.

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You don't suck at it.

I don't know if it will be any consolation or what, but I went through it, too, w/ my dd (6 yrs old now) and had just the hardest time feeling like a good mom to her. It's hard for me to talk about, even now.

I had an 18 mo old w/ autism (un-dx'd until last summer, when he was 7!), so he was super high needs, and then I gave birth to another, differently so, high needs baby. I wanted to die. It was awful. And dd got put on the back burner much of the time (still does, sort of, but we're really working on it) because ds's needs were so much more prominent at that time.

Dd had colic, too, and was just a crier. It was depressing! Now, I realize that she also has sensory processing disorder, just like ds and I, and for all those years she was not given what she needed because I didn't have it to give. I couldn't put her down EVER, she'd wake up every 20 min and cry so I had to hold her all the time, she had to nurse for 5 or 10 minutes every hour or 2 (way different than the pattern my boys have set for themselves), and I just did not have any idea what to do with her.

I wish I'd had help. I didn't have anyone but dh and he was just as worn out from her high needs as I was.

Definitely get all kinds of help, regardless of the cause. You sound as overwhelmed as I was.

I would suggest you try to have friends take the baby for a couple of hours. Send them with a bottle or 2 for her and SLEEP. Get that needed rest. Make an appt w/ a therapist, too, because you clearly had a difficult time bringing her into the world. Sometimes just talking it out helps immensely. Write it out, too.

It DOES get better, but I'm telling you, HELP IS CRUCIAL. Get ppl to take her for a couple hours a couple times a week. It's not going to kill her.

I wish that I had someone to tell me to just ignore all the stupid parenting advice and the books and everything else. (Though I do like Dr Sears' books!) I needed ppl to tell me I was doing fine and they'd be glad to help with her. (We have no family nearby so it rested on just dh and me.) Seek it out. It will be beneficial to you both.


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#83 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:19 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Parenting is incredibly hard work... but the joy should be there too. I would definitely recommend getting evaluated for PPD. I had it, and its not normal and it sucks and you can get better.
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#84 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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Don't feel so bad about having resentment and anger. For now it's your actions that matter and you are obviously a wonderful mother. I have a 7.5 month old whom I am dedicated to. I am very much into AP. But, sometimes when he frustrates me to the edge I think about hurting him. I never have and never will, but the thought crosses my mind and scares the hell out of me. I believe that a baby crying, especially crying for a long periods makes us moms' bodies release adrenalin. The adrenalin is what makes us have bad thoughts and do things we might not normally do. It makes sense, biologically. If our anscestor's baby was crying that much it would mean the baby was in danger or being hurt at that moment and we would need extra strength and resolve to do ANYTHING to protect our baby. That is why I always stop my car when ds really gets to crying in his seat. If I drive when he is upset I speed and takes risks I would not normally do and get very angry.

So, as for practical advise, you need a good carrier. One that you can use to carry your dd on your back. Then, you can walk her to sleep while you cook, do chores, take a walk, surf the net, eat, read a book...whatever. My carrier has saved my sanity as my ds is quite high needs. Also, get out more! The more I am home the grouchier ds and I get. He loves to go to stores, and maybe that would be just the ticket for you too. Meet friends and family and spend more time away from home. Interacting with others (especially other kids) is the best way to wear my baby out and assure a good night's rest for us.

Hope this helps.

Wife to Doug, mom to Hank and Logan !!!
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#85 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:26 PM
 
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You don't suck, you obviously care very much about your little one or you wouldn't have posted

I truly believe that motherhood is over glorified in our society. You hear too much of the good and none of the bad, and the truth is, it is HARD work most of the time. I know that when I was pregnant with DS1 I had visions of rocking him gently in a rocking chair while sipping lattes and going on playdates and having a great time. Pretty much just continuing my old life but adding a baby into the mix. Then he was born and VERY high needs and I was like "WTH did I get myself into?" He ruled my every move for the first 4-6 mos and it was hell. But things did get better, and they will for you too. You are still adjusting to motherhood and fiding the new you - the mommy you. The fact that the birth was traumatic does not help at all. But time will heal and you will get into your mom routine and it WILL get easier. It will be less demanding.

Feel free to vent away here anytime. We have all been there, we've all had horrendous days where we wonder what the heck we've gotten ourselves into. There is no such thing as a perfect mother, so don't beat yourself up. Do the best you can and ask for help if you need help.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#86 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:33 PM
 
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I hear you. I really do. The thing about PPD is that it most certainly doesn't invalidate the feelings. It's not like, "Oh...hard time? So sad. Here's a blue pill, a pat on the head and now hush like a good girl and you'll be full of smiles." It doesn't mean that you're not feeling what you are, it really doesn't. What it does it rob you of the ability to process the emotional upheaval in a consistent and concise way. It's like getting stuck in the mud in a truck, versus having the tools to lay down some wood and chains and work the truck out of it. Instead of spinning the wheels of emotions, you can use that energy to problem solve and try new things and that edge of desperation is lost because you are able to accomplish parenting and feel like you're actually doing some good!

Whatever you choose, I truly hope you feel better soon. Mothering is hard.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#87 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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I would like to say that coming from a someone who has had PPD, that we aren't trying to negate your feelings at all. You are feeling what you are feeling, and it is very real, and PPD doesn't take that away. I personally was trying to point out that sometimes there are medical reasons as to why we feel certain ways. Hormones can do all kinds of PHYSICAL things to your body, making it much harder to cope with life in general. Throw in a high needs baby, who can sense your distress, and you have a real mess on your hands that you aren't always going to be capable of dealing with. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
I had very similar feeling after my second DD, a failed VBAC, they didn't even give me a chance, but thats a whol other issue.
I let my self get very bad, I didn't realize just how bad it was till one instance where I was spanking my 20month old and letting the 6 week old scream. Then I just sat and cried and held my girls, and realized that something had to change. For me the meds helped me immensely, and I learned coping methods as well. I wasn't taking care of myself, for the babes, but that backfired to the point where I wasn't taking care of any of us, and something had to give.

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#88 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:46 PM
 
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I was in tears reading through this thread, Mama, and I hope it all gets better. I cannot write anything more eloquent than the previous posters, but know that I'm on your side.

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#89 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:48 PM
 
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In my world it was normal and it almost made me go insane. My DD2 was a screamer. She had to either be held by me or rocked in her bouncy seat at 100 bounces per minute. She didn't want anyone else to hold her and nobody wanted to keep her. She is 10 months old now and has been out of that phase for about 3 months and it got better about 5 months ago. Now she is happy and playful and a joy to be around. It will get better!

You are right though. There are bad phases with every age (ex. colic, teething and potty training) and I think every mother should have "This too shall pass" written on every surface in her house.
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#90 of 224 Old 05-06-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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Are you getting enough sleep? I know that seems like a reall dumb question but I have a similiar aged baby and boy has it een difficult lately. I think tat the last months of sleep deprevation are getting to me and maybe you too. I get really fustrated when ds won't sleep or even worse goes to sleep but wakes up 20 mins after I fall asleep. There's only so much sleep deprvation one person can take w/ o getting angry and grump.

Hows your diet are you getting enough vitamin B? That can really effect your mood also.
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