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#211 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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And I will say this as well. AP worked a whole lot easier and better with my first child. When I had my second there have been times she just has to cry. I put her in the Moby for the first few months, but once she wanted to be out of there (and she did) there are times I can't get to her. I have to get DS's lunch or I have to take DS to pre-K or I have to make time to play with DS because DD only naps for 20 minutes at a time. AP is much harder to implement with 2 children that is for sure. And I also have felt like a failure because DD WANTS to be out of the Moby now. She doesn't want to be carried all the time.

Just in the last few weeks I've finally given up some of my AP ideals because it's just not possible and I was making myself crazy with 2 children both needing me at the same time.
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#212 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by foxtrot View Post
And I will say this as well. AP worked a whole lot easier and better with my first child. When I had my second there have been times she just has to cry. I put her in the Moby for the first few months, but once she wanted to be out of there (and she did) there are times I can't get to her. I have to get DS's lunch or I have to take DS to pre-K or I have to make time to play with DS because DD only naps for 20 minutes at a time. AP is much harder to implement with 2 children that is for sure. And I also have felt like a failure because DD WANTS to be out of the Moby now. She doesn't want to be carried all the time.

Just in the last few weeks I've finally given up some of my AP ideals because it's just not possible and I was making myself crazy with 2 children both needing me at the same time.
OK-- I do not get why you mamas feel GUILTY about DOING WHAT YOUR CHILDREN NEED. AP is not about babywearing or co-sleeping . . .it's just that many children want/need this (and it's not the norm so people don't know about it or don't think they should do it). If they don't like these tools, then you are responding to their needs and wants by not doing it-- which is what AP is all about-- responding to a child's needs.

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#213 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 09:30 PM
 
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I feel guilty because DD doesn't want to be carried, but she also cries when I put her down. I've read all this stuff about how a baby that is carried doesn't cry etc. Well, DD cries no matter what I do and it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. That's my answer anyway. I feel like I don't know what her needs are because she's been so darned unhappy her whole life.
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#214 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RaeAnne View Post
Does anyone else wonder if they should have had their baby in the first place? People say it gets better, but it's not really happening yet. Then there are the people with older children who say babies are so great, and so much easier, "Just wait until their running around and saying 'No, then you'll appreciate this time.'" WTF??? Seriously, what if it doesn't get better? Every age has something crappy about it. What if I never like this?


You are completely normal. It's okay not to like the baby stage. A very good friend and I were out to dinner Friday night and she has two kids, the youngest being 18 months old and she is really loving being a mom...now that they can walk and talk and communicate with her. Some people are just not baby people. And I think it really stinks that women who are not so great with babies are stuck feeling like they are a bad person or that their is something wrong with them as women because they don't love every minute of the baby stage.

My friend didn't have PPD, but she thought she must be the absolute worst person on earth when her older dd was a baby. She hated herself for not liking her DD. She loved her more than anything but she just didn't enjoy her. For my friend it got so much better when her dd could walk and get to where she wanted to go, not just cry because she didn't like being in the kitchen but couldn't tell her mom she wanted to go to the bedroom. And when her DD started talking (which by the way her dd is amazingly gifted in speech) my friend felt like a whole new woman. She loves playing with her DD now, they are best friends, because she can help her dd figure out what she needs.
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#215 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 10:21 PM
 
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You know, this is nice to hear. Anytime I've asked if it gets easier I always get "No, the challenges are just different!" But I want to believe that as challenging as older kids can be there is still something easier about a child who can communicate what they need as opposed to an infant who can only cry when they need something.
Well, they can't always. Children of all ages (and many adults!) cannot express really what they need, and needs become much more complicated. For toddlers and children, things like "I need boundaries to know I am safe" is not something they can express and will often protest even when you see it and they don't. My pre-schooler still cannot always tell when he is hungry or needs to use the potty, he just gets whiney. In fact, when he is injured or sick, he often cannot tell me what is the matter with him. Yes- there are lots of things that DO get easier when they talk and even more when they can be a bit reflective and make sense. And there is a lot that is very rewarding hearing "I love you" or "Thanks, Mommy. I really needed that." But I'm just kind of saying that the "needs" don't come clear just because they talk.
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#216 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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Well, they can't always. Children of all ages (and many adults!) cannot express really what they need, and needs become much more complicated. For toddlers and children, things like "I need boundaries to know I am safe" is not something they can express and will often protest even when you see it and they don't. My pre-schooler still cannot always tell when he is hungry or needs to use the potty, he just gets whiney. In fact, when he is injured or sick, he often cannot tell me what is the matter with him. Yes- there are lots of things that DO get easier when they talk and even more when they can be a bit reflective and make sense. And there is a lot that is very rewarding hearing "I love you" or "Thanks, Mommy. I really needed that." But I'm just kind of saying that the "needs" don't come clear just because they talk.
Yeah, but it still becomes better. I can honestly say that I love my DDs more every year - each year of maturity makes things eons better than when they were small.

I really was not into the baby/toddler age at all, and totally disagree with those who say a teen/preteen is like a toddler. There is no comparison at all IMO.
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#217 of 224 Old 05-13-2008, 10:43 PM
 
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Well, they can't always. Children of all ages (and many adults!) cannot express really what they need, and needs become much more complicated. For toddlers and children, things like "I need boundaries to know I am safe" is not something they can express and will often protest even when you see it and they don't. My pre-schooler still cannot always tell when he is hungry or needs to use the potty, he just gets whiney. In fact, when he is injured or sick, he often cannot tell me what is the matter with him. Yes- there are lots of things that DO get easier when they talk and even more when they can be a bit reflective and make sense. And there is a lot that is very rewarding hearing "I love you" or "Thanks, Mommy. I really needed that." But I'm just kind of saying that the "needs" don't come clear just because they talk.
My DD was high needs with a capital H and N. The first 18 months were challenging, so challenging that I was detached and scared with my pregnancy with my DS because I just didn't think I could do it all again (he is completely different, laid back and mellow). When DD was around 2 things got exponentially easier. Language acquisition makes all the difference in the world, even if the child isn't descriptive or have a large vocabulary. She being able to articulate general things like body temperature, something hurting for feeling sick, etc. are so significant for me and make parenting her much easier.

"Hey, I've got nothin' to do today but smile." - S & G
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#218 of 224 Old 05-14-2008, 01:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by foxtrot View Post
I feel guilty because DD doesn't want to be carried, but she also cries when I put her down. I've read all this stuff about how a baby that is carried doesn't cry etc. Well, DD cries no matter what I do and it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. That's my answer anyway. I feel like I don't know what her needs are because she's been so darned unhappy her whole life.
I hear you and I am sending you huge s. My 3rd DD can very much be like this. It is incredible how much she can cry! Now, you may have very well tried this but I'll throw it out there anyway . . .have you ever tried her in a back carry? When my DD was younger, she hated back carries (and threw fits), but now when we are home and I hold her in my arms or in a carrier in the front, she'll often cry and have a tantrum. Oddly, when I put her on my back, very often she settles down. Now, this means that on a day like today I might have her there for 3 straight hours (she was up at 4:30 am, crying . . .didn't sleep until after 8, right when I was getting my oldest off the school). But, it is SOMETHING to keep her from crying.

I really thought this was going to be much better now, since she is almost 15 months old . . .I thought, maybe when she can sit up, maybe when she can crawl, maybe when she can walk. . .still waiting for her to be a happy or at least somewhat peaceful girl.

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#219 of 224 Old 05-14-2008, 04:01 AM
 
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Some babies don't get better. Isaac is still, well, Isaac. Screamed as a baby, screamed as a toddler, throws tantrums as a 7yo. though now he'll run away rather than screaming. I love him, but he makes liking him hard sometimes. Literally, my recent bout of depression was actually triggered by my response to the 7yo rather than the newborn I firmly believe, though, that these children are the exception rather than the rule.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#220 of 224 Old 05-14-2008, 09:44 AM
 
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Literally, my recent bout of depression was actually triggered by my response to the 7yo rather than the newborn I firmly believe, though, that these children are the exception rather than the rule.

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#221 of 224 Old 05-14-2008, 11:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Dena View Post
There were times I personally wanted to smack Dr. Sears upside the head myself, particularly when I read all his raves about how babies should NEVER be set down for the first NINE months of life, how this is done this way in other cultures, how it is best for baby, etc. (

I would lay money on Mrs. Sears putting the kids down while she cleaned bathrooms.
to be fair...he writes that his first 2 or 3 babies were very "normal." it was their the 3rd or 4th (hayden) that was high needs. after her, he came around to suggesting AP for all babies (at least to some extent), but mostly they just figured it out because that particular baby NEEDED AP.
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#222 of 224 Old 05-20-2008, 08:30 AM
 
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There are a bazillion replies to the OP's message...but

OP...Been there, done that! When ds was a newborn and a young baby I was VERY VERY VERY stressed out and pretty miserable. Honestly...the only fun times where when we could get out for a walk or something, most days though were VERY diffciult and some days I just would call dh up at school and be likle get home NOW before I go bonkers.

I donno what to tell you, but trust me, sometimes we all have days where we feel like we want to run out the door and scream, or leave or whatever else...but, what I did...might not be AP...but on those days when he was screaming about everything and the sun and the moon and I was *this close* to loosing it...I'd just put him in his crib, walk away and shut the door and lay down w/ my ipod for 10minutes...I did this on a few occasions and when he woke up...and I woke up, I felt much better and better able to take care of him.
Sometimes you need to take time out for yourself...
Again, what I say probably isnt "AP"...but, i had to do it to save my sanity.

Also know it will get easier...those stages don't last for ever! Now ds is 16 months and he's a total different lil squirt and I can finally say, I think parenting is fun.

*ducks thrown shoes*
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#223 of 224 Old 05-20-2008, 12:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
AP is not about babywearing or co-sleeping . . .it's just that many children want/need this (and it's not the norm so people don't know about it or don't think they should do it). If they don't like these tools, then you are responding to their needs and wants by not doing it-- which is what AP is all about-- responding to a child's needs.
Yes, I just had a conversation with a friend who was given the impression that "AP" equaled cloth diapers, baby wearing, co-sleeping and who knows what else. I assured her that was not what "defined" it. If you are unclear it might be worth your while to read the principles of attachment parenting, it is not as cut and dry as some seem to think and it saddens me to read about someone who clearly works hard to discover what works best for their child and then discounts their advice with "it might not be AP". Some times it isn't but more often than not on this board it is and those poor moms are feeling guilty about breaking some "rule" that isn't even there. I cloth diaper, dabble in EC, breastfeed and co-sleep because that works for my babe and our family but that isn't what makes us AP. Take a minute and check out the principles if you have never read them or if it has been a long time.

Mama to 3 year old DS and awaiting #2 in June
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#224 of 224 Old 08-02-2008, 11:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kristen1978 View Post

Women are not MEANT to do this alone. We are not meant to have such a difficult job and yet be so socially isolated and devalued. Even under the best of circumstances (happy baby, supportive partner, friends) a woman in our culture is still living in a reality that other mothers in the world do not.

I've done quite a bit of traveling and have noticed some major cultural differences in motherhood and what it entails. Of course mothering is hard everywhere, but with extended family and close-knit communities, the burden is usually shared in other parts of the world -- babies are passed around and nursed by others, children are entertained and watched over. Women have more space, more freedom, more room to breathe. Unlike here where we are all supposed to be supermom and love every minute of it.
:

I have been feeling that way nearly the entire time I've had my son. Not just in regards to women, but also with parents - having to raise the child alone with no outside support.

And I've also felt it in regards to all of the controversy behind NIP. Like a mother is just supposed to sit at home to breastfeed each and every time as though that is really feasible. And one can only nurse in the car for so long before the warm weather hits and makes it impossible. I've felt so many times that if I were lucky enough to live in a culture where breastfeeding anywhere/anytime is normal that I would not feel so discouraged, trapped, shunned, and so many other things. It's not bothered me as much lately, but for a long time I felt it constantly.

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