Best friend as HB Attendee - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 10-05-2005, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You all know about how I have to choose betwen my MW and my MW apprentice b/c they have gone their seperate ways. Well, let's add to the fun of who may or may not want to attend this birth!

Last week, my MIL let us down by telling us last minute that she couldn't watch our dog while we went to LLL Conference (aka our last vacation before babe arrives). When we dropped him off with my best friend, she said that she will be going to NY for Thanksgiving to see her fiance's family. She was like, "Yeah, we're never in town for Thanksgiving." They were barely together last year and certainly not vacationing together! I am due Friday after T-day and she leaves from Wed. to Sunday.

I asked her at my mother's blessing to be the official Mistress of Ceremonies (MC) at my birth meaning in charge of the phone, regulating visitors, supporting and feeding the dog, whatever else needs to be done around the house, everything else, etc... It was a big relief for me to have her taking charge of all of these things. I felt that if she managed the downstairs, I could relax and birth upstairs without worrying about my precious dog or the phone ringing, etc.

It made me pretty sad to realize her attendance at my baby's birth is not her priority. She does not think it important enough to potentially adjust her plans. I am her matron of honor in March. What she has said to me feels kinda like me saying. "Sorry, I can't come to your wedding. We go on vacation every March." They are both once in a lifetime events. She is the only friend I invited to attend other than a massage therapist friend.

Blowing this out of proportion? Advice?

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#2 of 8 Old 10-05-2005, 11:04 PM
 
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Wow, I would be really bummed, and disappointed. I'm confused though; why did she agree initially and then tell you that she will be out of town during the time your baby might come? Seems like, if she agreed, she would understand that she's kind of "on call" during that time.


Ever-evolving mama to my beautiful Brynn, and my little dimple-face Noah .
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#3 of 8 Old 10-07-2005, 11:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, it's not like my EDD changed between the time I told her and now. I feel pretty let down by her but she's been kinda distant this whole pregnancy. I thought that she would be the one to host/throw my mother's blessing and she totally never even offered or anything. I haven't talked with her about how i feel though and I need to do that soon. I do't want to resent her, you know?

I have another friend that I may ask to help but she's not as close to me as I thought my BF was. DH is comfortable with this friend, though which is super imprtant.

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#4 of 8 Old 10-07-2005, 12:19 PM
 
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Well, when it comes to unpaid help (ie, not a professional doula) I think its always best to have 2-3 people on hand. I have several layers of people to call for help during the birth.

I know as a doula, being on call for a birth is very hard! You pretty much have to be on high alert for 2-4 weeks, worry that every dinner, workout, etc is going to be interrupted. Most people who are not used to being on call, just dont understand the responsibility.

That said, your friend was rude for accepting the reponsibility and then just casually mentioning that she will be gone. It doesnt sound like she is putting your birth on the same level that you are putting her wedding and thats not fair.

I hope you can find another person to be a back up, also consider looking into a doula (or one in training who might be cheap).

Good luck!

Jenn, perpetually tired mom to DS(9): DD(4.5): DD(2) :
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#5 of 8 Old 10-07-2005, 01:02 PM
 
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Have you discussed your feelings on this to her? Maybe there's some miscommunication going on? If you've already told her how you feel about her leaving for that time and she is just blowing off your feelings then mabye it's time for a new "best friend". I don't think I'd want her at the birth even if the baby came at a time when she was around and able to attend.

Maybe there's another side to the story? Could her fiance be pressuring her into going with him to NY? Does he even know that she is supposed to be playing a very important role at your birth? It's hard to make a choice between a best friend and the love of your life, especially if one is giving her a guilt trip (in this case probably the fiance).

I may be way off here, but these are just some ideas that popped into mind.

Bethany, mama to M (9), J (7), S (4), and baby BOY 9/13/10!!
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#6 of 8 Old 10-07-2005, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, everyone for the support!

I have a doula and a massage therapist/friend attending in addition to my MW and hubby and the MW's assistant.

The finace knows of the huge responsibility that I asked my BF to play at my birth. He was totally supportive when we talked about it. He is super laid back and I don't think he puts pressure on her; he supports her choices. If she chose to not go to NY with him but stay for my birth, I think he would be very supportive of that. I think it's my BF who is making a choice on her own to not be there and I don't fully know why. I need to talk with her about it but have been struggling with feeling too hurt to want to even talk. She told me about it the morning we were leaving for LLL Conference for the weekend.

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#7 of 8 Old 10-07-2005, 05:38 PM
 
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I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion at all. Maybe your BF just doesn't want to be there (as shocking as that may sound... I would jump at any chance to be at a home birth). And maybe she's backing out in such an offhanded sort of way because she doesn't really want to tell you that she doesn't support what you are doing (wild guess... I don't know... it just *seems* that if she agreed to do it that she would be a little more into it if it's something she really wanted to do for you). OTOH, some/most people who aren't in the home birth subculture don't really understand what it's about and so maybe she thinks that it's really not going to be a big deal to you if she's not there. You should ask her if she would still be going out of town if you were giving birth in a hospital and asked her to be there with you. BF's are supposed to be all into that sort of thing.

Sorry about it all happening right now, so close to birth and all. That's a real bummer. : Sure hope you find a solution that works for you.
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#8 of 8 Old 10-09-2005, 07:31 AM
 
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Gunther,

I think birth does weird things to people. I would definitely be very dissapointed. I actually had a friend, who is very close, but wasn't one I was planning on asking to be at the birth, offer not to take off for T day in case I wanted her, so I do think that it's completely reasonable for you to expect her to change her plans.

That said I went through a lot of weirdness with another extremely close friend around difficulty TTC, and having m/c. It turned out that she had issues with not wanting to be a mom, and couldn't really relate to my desire. I didn't really expect that to matter, but it fed into everything in our relationship until well into this pregnancy.

So this may have everything to do with her own ambivalence around birth. She may want to be pregnant, or really not want to be pregnant, or have issues with her own Mom that are effecting her behaviour toward you.

It sucks but I think you've got to nail her down, and tell her how important this is to you,(and why) and how you can't really hang with maybe she'll be there and maybe she won't. As scary as it is to do this, it's really better to know one way or the other whether she's willing to be there for you, then to let her off the hook, by allowing her to misunderstand her commitment. I've often done that and I always regret it.
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