I'm not in your DDC but I couldn't help but read this post, and let you know, there IS hope.
DH was TERRIFIED of our son until he got to be, oh, probably around 8-10 months (when he started cruising and really "playing"). He just did not know what to do with him, and literally told me that he was afraid he was going to accidentally hurt him (*DH is rather large and very strong and *I* knew he'd never hurt him, but he wasn't so sure of himself). It was not the easiest time for me, and while living through it I could have strangled him several times.....but then something just clicked as DS got more interactive with us, was crawling, cruising, etc. and now they are GREAT buddies. DH takes him out with him, reads to him, gives him his bath, plays with him a lot, watches him for a couple hours while I get out for some recharging of my own, etc. DH is still VERY sensitive to any distress caused to DS, and gets very upset, nervous, and flustered any time DS is upset - so I think it's not that he didn't feel a connection to DS in the early days, but almost that he was so much more emotional about him that he thought he would be that he wasn't quite sure what to do.
I don't think being mad at your SO is going to help the situation...I'm not saying that you should resign yourself to being the sole caretaker and interacter with your child for the rest of her life, but if this is his first babe, and babe is still teeny (which I would consider up to 6 months at least, or at least until they start sitting, crawling, etc., you know, getting more able to interact with others) I would probably cut him a little slack....and I'm not sure if you guys have had a serious, sincere discussion about it or if it's mostly you mad at him but not really talking to him about it and just saying things like:
|I tell him that I'm not coming in tonight because of the sh#$ he pulled downstairs and that I'd see him in the morning.
(which I'm not blaming you at ALL for saying, it's very emotional when someone you love isn't seeming to love your baby)
Instead of the vague 'sh#$ he pulled' type of discussion, if you haven't tried GENTLY talking to him about WHY he's not interacting, I would really suggest that. If he says things like, "I don't want to hurt her", or "I don't klnow what to do with her, she just lays there", chances are that their relationship will become closer as she gets older. But I wouldn't doom their relationship right now because he's not comfortable around a 4-month-old. Some men are wired to be nurturers from the get go, some aren't. But I don't think it's fair to blame them or force them into it, but rather try to nuture the relationship as you can in the beginning and make sure that as she gets older and more mobile, that you're not shutting him out for his past transgressions and you give him the opportunity to have his own relationship with her. It may never be as loving and nuturing as the one you have with her, but it will be a special relationship between the two of them, nonetheless.
DS LOVES his daddy, there is absolutely no question. Don't give up on your SO just yet.
to you, mama
Oh, and I KNOW it's going to be different with this next babe, becasue DH already is talking about the things they're going to do together