I am so incredibly pissed off at him - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 04-14-2006, 11:26 PM - Thread Starter
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So today Debbie gave Tori her Easter present. Its this absolutely adorable playmat! So Chris wakes up and we all eat dinner and while we are eating, Tori is on the playmat. I ask Chris to get her prescription after dinner and he agrees. Then, Dan gets up and goes in the living room, turns on the TV, and Lord of the Rings is on. Of course, Chris, being the LOTR freak that he is immediately goes to the other room and spends 30 minutes watching the damn movie (keep in mind, he owns 2 copies of EACH movie).

Meanwhile Tori is in the kitchen with me, learning and growing and just plain getting smarter. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND HE'S MISSING IT (again). So I went in the other room to get him and he doesn't come. 30 minutes later, still nothing. So I just took Tori upstairs to put her to bed. I'm PISSED.

Chris comes in 10 minutes later being all lovey and saying good night. I tell him that I'm not coming in tonight because of the shit he pulled downstairs and that I'd see him in the morning. So he goes to sleep. Without picking up Tori's medicine.

SO, I have to go get her medicine, 5 minutes before the pharmacy closes. And by the time I came back, Tori was awake again. So, I had to put her to bed AGAIN.

This isn't a once in a while thing, its an EVERYDAY thing. It kills me inside to see this. It really does. Tori is never going to have the relationship she deserves with Chris because he always seems to find something else more important than watching his only daughter learn and grow. What do I need to do to get through to him?!?! He's already missed so many milestones because of work and now, even when he's home, he won't pay attention to her.

This is the man I'm supposed to marry... What do I do?
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#2 of 8 Old 04-14-2006, 11:37 PM
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I know it really sucks, but sometimes men have a hard time getting engaged with infants. Some men get better as they get older (the men and the baby. I hope he comes around.
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#3 of 8 Old 04-15-2006, 02:58 AM
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this is probably not a good day for me to respond to this, but i thought of posting here tonight b/c of dh and Ethan earlier tonight after dinner.
All i needed was a few minutes to clean the kitchen after dinner and get the cookies in the oven (yes, i am being suzy homemaker..they were homemade. ). DH took E and he started crying. He took him upstairs after a few minutes and i could still hear him crying. I knew if i didn't finish cleaning the kitchen and getting the cookies in the oven, it would not get done and i woudl be stuck with a total mess tomorrow, and we have a full day tomorrow with a sick cat, etc. so i really did need to get it clean (usually, i will drop stuff like that...but i also thought of letting them work it out themselves, kwim???
anyway, dh comes back downstairs and says that E is being "difficult" and is a PITA (those were his words!).
i could have KILLED him!!! WTF? How dare him use that language to speak about my son when he only had him for 15 minutes. He swears it was 25 minutes. boy, oh boy...the nights i spent up with the babe screaming for no reason and doing all i could to soothe him.
So, sorry I can't tell you right now that men "mature". Some do, some don't.
My dh1 was awesome with his son (ds1 is now 15 and a hand full). He would play with him, take care of him, change diapers, etc.
DH has changed 1 diaper (a few days ago).
My advice (before marriage) is to have a real heart to heart and really look at the type of person you are marrying. Some men do get better as the babe gets older, and im hoping dh will do that also...but this is probably not the only baby you are going to have, so you have to decide whether you are comfortable being the one who takes care of everything. In my life, that is the decision i have made. I really dont count on dh to do anything...i count on my ds2 for more help than dh.
having said all this, im a bit po'd tonight about the "he's a PITA" comment, so most of this is just venting.
hope you don't mind.
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#4 of 8 Old 04-15-2006, 06:04 AM
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i know it doesnt stop the hurt that he isnt as besotted as you but my dh was terrible with ds 1 till he was well over 18 months old, i mean reallty horrible

for instance oliver would walk in the kitchen in hte mornign and chat away and make funny noises and the first thing that dh did to acknowledge his presence in the room was to turn to him and tell him to shut up

oliver would sob if dh ever tried to hold him (i wonder why...)

however, after writing letters to dh reminding him that he is somebodys dad and asking how it must feel to be oliver and be on the receiving end of that he turned around

now they are very close and dh takes him out every monday after school to bowl or to see a film

dh is not great with babies - actually the way i feel dh isnt great at anything right now - but thats another story

i know that this is SO hard to feel so alone with you love for your baby
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#5 of 8 Old 04-15-2006, 07:55 AM
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I'm not in your DDC but I couldn't help but read this post, and let you know, there IS hope.

DH was TERRIFIED of our son until he got to be, oh, probably around 8-10 months (when he started cruising and really "playing"). He just did not know what to do with him, and literally told me that he was afraid he was going to accidentally hurt him (*DH is rather large and very strong and *I* knew he'd never hurt him, but he wasn't so sure of himself). It was not the easiest time for me, and while living through it I could have strangled him several times.....but then something just clicked as DS got more interactive with us, was crawling, cruising, etc. and now they are GREAT buddies. DH takes him out with him, reads to him, gives him his bath, plays with him a lot, watches him for a couple hours while I get out for some recharging of my own, etc. DH is still VERY sensitive to any distress caused to DS, and gets very upset, nervous, and flustered any time DS is upset - so I think it's not that he didn't feel a connection to DS in the early days, but almost that he was so much more emotional about him that he thought he would be that he wasn't quite sure what to do.

I don't think being mad at your SO is going to help the situation...I'm not saying that you should resign yourself to being the sole caretaker and interacter with your child for the rest of her life, but if this is his first babe, and babe is still teeny (which I would consider up to 6 months at least, or at least until they start sitting, crawling, etc., you know, getting more able to interact with others) I would probably cut him a little slack....and I'm not sure if you guys have had a serious, sincere discussion about it or if it's mostly you mad at him but not really talking to him about it and just saying things like:
I tell him that I'm not coming in tonight because of the sh#$ he pulled downstairs and that I'd see him in the morning.
(which I'm not blaming you at ALL for saying, it's very emotional when someone you love isn't seeming to love your baby)

Instead of the vague 'sh#$ he pulled' type of discussion, if you haven't tried GENTLY talking to him about WHY he's not interacting, I would really suggest that. If he says things like, "I don't want to hurt her", or "I don't klnow what to do with her, she just lays there", chances are that their relationship will become closer as she gets older. But I wouldn't doom their relationship right now because he's not comfortable around a 4-month-old. Some men are wired to be nurturers from the get go, some aren't. But I don't think it's fair to blame them or force them into it, but rather try to nuture the relationship as you can in the beginning and make sure that as she gets older and more mobile, that you're not shutting him out for his past transgressions and you give him the opportunity to have his own relationship with her. It may never be as loving and nuturing as the one you have with her, but it will be a special relationship between the two of them, nonetheless.

DS LOVES his daddy, there is absolutely no question. Don't give up on your SO just yet.

Big to you, mama

Oh, and I KNOW it's going to be different with this next babe, becasue DH already is talking about the things they're going to do together

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#6 of 8 Old 04-15-2006, 11:25 AM
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I am going to say something very unpopular, but your last sentence is what I am responding to.

My SIL sat on her bed sobbing the day before her wedding, crying that maybe she shouldn't marry her DH. everyone supported her however she wanted to handle it.

She married him against her gut instinct and suffered for 10 years 3 kids later in a horrible marriage. She is now is a bitter joint custody existence.

With my own friends and my own life, I am always advising them to listen to our gut because we are wiser than we know, we just don't always listen to ourselves because of "noise" from our own feelings of what we are "supposed" to do.

I am NOT saying end the relationship, but I am saying that perhaps going forward into marriage now is not the right thing to do. Work things out as people have outlined in the other posts a bit more until you feel more secure with your choice.

Think about you and your dd. Marraige is already hard work when you feel 100% content with your partner.

I do hope things seem clearer and that he can turn around for you and Tory.

::: Just another WAHM using this forum to put off picking up toys and cleaning my house.
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#7 of 8 Old 04-19-2006, 02:54 AM
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think long and hard about marriage but wait until you aren't mad at him. marriage is a funny thing. it takes a lot of work, and once you are in you might find yourself occasionally wondering if it is the right thing. i found that in the early days of my first daughter this was most common.for the most part men don't bond instantly and have the instincts that we do as mothers. Chris used to drive me crazy in the beginning. i used to tell him that their wasn't going to be another time, this was it when it was gone it was gone forever.I even almost called his dad, he fought for custody of him from the time he was 3 years old and still wants him to move to the same town.but you know what after all the annoyances chris is a great dad now, supremely involved in both girls lifes. he definetley likes the older babies better then the newbies. but it just took him awhile to get into the groove of parenthood.now when i look at him i just know it is right and perfect, which i also knew before i married him and only questioned while adjusting to a new baby the first time (i mean he would stand their well i got me, the baby and the diaper bag ready and say "aren't you ready yet? what's taking so long?").

but also some dads never do get in the groove or at least the groove of a parent and a partner. my friend is a great dad, but was a poor partner andi think he actually wasn't that good of a dad until he was on his own with the kiddo.


Courtney and Cree, baby made 3, added one more then there were 4, sakes alive, then we had 5, another in the mix now we have 6!

A Momma in love with her Little Women-Jewel Face, Jo Jo Bean, June Bug, and Sweet Coraline.



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#8 of 8 Old 04-19-2006, 09:57 AM
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LMAO Courtney! omg DH still does that. i'll be running around like a damn tornado getting everybody ready, he's upstairs fixing his hair "just right". he comes down all spiffy, i still look like i've been hit with the ugly stick too many times, rowan's got one shoe on and is taking off his shirt, ava is spitting up, and the dog is licking the sippy cup that's hanging out of my diaper bag. and he has the BALLS to sit at his laptop and murmur "well i'll just wait for YOU then". LMFAO!!!!

hahaha ahh, good times, good times. that's when i crack a whip on his arse and tell him what to do. but again, he needs explicit directions. i can't just be like "get the kids ready". he'd stand in the middle of the room with a blank stare. i have to say "put rowan's brown shoe on. fill up the purple sippy with milk. change ava's diaper and put on her pink onesie and bib."

LOL yeah, men just don't get it sometimes. they reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally really don't. but that's ok, we're plenty smart to pick up the slack. and plenty smart to rub it in their faces when they need it. and they know it.
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