My name is Kiran, and I gave birth to twin girls, Kalpana and Amrita, on December 1, 2005. I used to be a member of this amazing DDC, and even though I've missed it so much over the past 20 (!!) weeks, I have put off getting back in touch, because every time I sit down to write, all the events that have happened are too much to put in writing. I got a thoughtful email from Desiree, and I realized I really wanted to get back in touch with this group!
Kalpana and Amrita are doing so well. I really believe, more and more, in this idea that we are often only given as much as we can handle. We have been given twins, but beyond that we have been blessed with very few problems. I really don't think I could have handled any more difficulties than the struggle to attach to two babies! I absolutely adore these girls, but sometimes I feel a pang of regret that any minutes spent with one girl are minutes when I'm missing out on the other! This sentiment has decreased since they are awake and alert and playful for more and more time. But still...attachment with twins is very different.
It has also been hard b/c I feel that I have slipped with some ideal ways I wanted to do things. Breastfeeding, for instance, has been an ongoing issue. I actually love nursing twins. They are both great nursers now. But it is very isolating here, since it's basically impossible to nurse in public (that includes my own living room, when my in-laws are here...aarrrgh). I feel stuck at home....and at other times I feel lucky to be able to be stuck at home enjoying every minute of Kalpana and Amrita's babyhood. Starting from the time in the hospital, when Amrita had some blood sugar issues, both girls received some formula. It was never more than a small percentage of their feedings, and I haven't given any formula in the last month, but it's been a battle...especially with well-meaning but clueless DH, who just sees BF-ing as an unnecessary struggle some nights. I wonder if others are in my situation with this...???? It has taken me a long time not to be consumed with regret about the c-section, the imperfect BF-ing, the whole hospital experience,etc....and instead delight in the pretty-darn-good nursing relationship we have, the walks we take every day, the massages every day, etc. etc. And I still have not come to a good understanding about all this with DH, who now just pretty much leaves me alone for feeding times, which is not exactly what I want either.
But having twins is amazing. I feel so lucky to be having this experience.
It's been hard being so far away from my parents (they were here only 'til the end of December).
The c-section wasn't that bad. I'm not saying c-sections are a great idea at ALL, or that a more appropriately qualified doctor/midwife could not have helped me with a vaginal birth, but probably if I had not been in denial about the possibility for so long, I could have mentally prepared better and maybe even dealt with the nursing issues related to being in pain and immobile a little better.
I have major regrets about that 3rd trimester swap. Jewelysmommy sent me a wonderful package that i got when my mom arrived in December; I loved that stuff she sent and never thanked her properly for the wonderful baby stuff and the beautiful card/letter. Plus, I never even sent the swap package I was to send, because I got hospitalized right around that time, and then just got so sidetracked with all the weird issues after that. I'm so embarrassed. So I'm owning up to it here, because that was keeping me from coming back to this DDC to!
Anyway, that's where I am now. I'd love to rejoin this group. I can't wait to hear how people are doing....
Oh! And I'm terrified about getting pregnant again! I know that given the principles of LAM, and the fact that i'm exclusively BF-ing twins round the clock, the chances are so slim...but some days i get so scared. it's crazy! anyone else going through this
i struggled with bfing early on and lucy received formula. it wasn't what i wanted, but it helped us out on the road to ebfing!
ooh... and the worry about getting pregnant again? i'm so there too though there have been no signs of af returning... still....
anyway, it's great to see you again!!!
Judy, wife to my Catholic deacon husband ... homeschooling mother to my four girls and now a BOY!!! Forever remembering our loss (8/11) .
You sound like you have manged everything amazingly well!
I've wondered often how you're doing with those precious twins over there on the other side of the globe. So glad to read your catch-up note.
Sounds like you're a typical mom. One moment cherishing your precious babies, and the next, chastising yourself for falling short of super-mom status. Trust me, your success bfing twins in a culture that is unsupportive qualifies you!
Being a SAHM can be an isolating experience, even here in America where there are so many of us. It's so nice to be part of this cybercommunity where strangers become likeminded, sympathetic friends. I hope you'll be able to squeeze out the time to stick around.
And, parenting has this wonderful way of shining the spotlight on marital issues you never knew existed. My only advice would be to try to communicate with DH what your hopes and expectations are, without coming across as nagging or judgmental (which I'm not suggesting you are, at all!). Sometimes clueless DHs just need a little non-threatening hand-holding to figure out what their new role is, and they certainly aren't as intuitive as we women are to figure it out on their own!
Welcome back, and find company here again in this wonderful, likeminded, accepting community!
Sooooo glad to see you again.
pft i didn't even get involved with the last swap because i know i'm friggin incapable of doing ANYTHING on time. case in point: the 4th trimester swap. still haven't sent my thing out.
release the guilt. you were going through so much! you still are! KUDOS to you for nursing twins!!! I'm tandem nursing a 3yo and 4mo and it's VERY trying at times, but at least one of my kiddos is very self-sufficient, can "wait his turn" if i need him to, and can do nursing acrobatics so i don't have to worry so much about his latch. i can only imagine how hard it is for you.
i'm so sorry you don't have a lot of support where you are, especially from your husband. that must feel very lonely, and i'm so sorry about that. please please please come here to vent or bitch or laugh or cry or whatever. don't leave us again!!!!! LOL
*HUG* i am so thrilled to hear from you. i wanna see pictures of your beauties!!!!!!!!!
and then when he doesn't do it, you need to come on here and bitch about him. HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
oh, kiran, you are so very much NOT alone. *HUG*
i commend your BF two babies. hears the thing breastfeeding one is tough, especially if it's your first time breastfeeding, and to have that be doubled up. the guilt can be annoying, youhave to shake it off. my MIL told me this greatthing.
pretend you have a scale and on one side put all the things you are proud of as a parent all the things you are donig, now on theother side put the mistakes you feel you made or the things you are unhappy about. which side is to the ground? i'll tel you what we tend to not notice all the goosd things we are doing for our kids and we need to concentrate on that.
ps how do you pronounce their names? i want to think thei names correctly.
Courtney and Cree, baby made 3, added one more then there were 4, sakes alive, then we had 5, another in the mix now we have 6!
A Momma in love with her Little Women-Jewel Face, Jo Jo Bean, June Bug, and Sweet Coraline.
You were very missed here at the DDC, and we are all so glad you came back. I'm sure no one here blames you for the swap stuff.
I had twins 14 yrs ago, and it's damn hard. I know what you mean, even if one of mine had some issues due to being born early, they are such a challenge. It must be so difficult with the whole not being able to nurse in a relaxed, anywhere you need to, manner. It's hard enough BFing twins without that to complicate it! :
Can you post some pics of your twins? We'd love to see them!
Thanks for the update about your birth and early postpartum. I know what it is like to feel protective about your experience and story.
Give yourself a hug and kiss those babies for us!
Glad your back!
Don't beat yourself up about anything regarding the way you mother. Not like I have room to talk because I beat myself up every day over the way I mother. I think everyone does. It's in our nature to want to do everything perfectly for our babies.
It's good to have you back and hope to see some pics of your girls if you can post some.