My name is Kiran, and I gave birth to twin girls, Kalpana and Amrita, on December 1, 2005. I used to be a member of this amazing DDC, and even though I've missed it so much over the past 20 (!!) weeks, I have put off getting back in touch, because every time I sit down to write, all the events that have happened are too much to put in writing. I got a thoughtful email from Desiree, and I realized I really wanted to get back in touch with this group!
Kalpana and Amrita are doing so well. I really believe, more and more, in this idea that we are often only given as much as we can handle. We have been given twins, but beyond that we have been blessed with very few problems. I really don't think I could have handled any more difficulties than the struggle to attach to two babies! I absolutely adore these girls, but sometimes I feel a pang of regret that any minutes spent with one girl are minutes when I'm missing out on the other! This sentiment has decreased since they are awake and alert and playful for more and more time. But still...attachment with twins is very different.
It has also been hard b/c I feel that I have slipped with some ideal ways I wanted to do things. Breastfeeding, for instance, has been an ongoing issue. I actually love nursing twins. They are both great nursers now. But it is very isolating here, since it's basically impossible to nurse in public (that includes my own living room, when my in-laws are here...aarrrgh). I feel stuck at home....and at other times I feel lucky to be able to be stuck at home enjoying every minute of Kalpana and Amrita's babyhood. Starting from the time in the hospital, when Amrita had some blood sugar issues, both girls received some formula. It was never more than a small percentage of their feedings, and I haven't given any formula in the last month, but it's been a battle...especially with well-meaning but clueless DH, who just sees BF-ing as an unnecessary struggle some nights. I wonder if others are in my situation with this...???? It has taken me a long time not to be consumed with regret about the c-section, the imperfect BF-ing, the whole hospital experience,etc....and instead delight in the pretty-darn-good nursing relationship we have, the walks we take every day, the massages every day, etc. etc. And I still have not come to a good understanding about all this with DH, who now just pretty much leaves me alone for feeding times, which is not exactly what I want either.
But having twins is amazing. I feel so lucky to be having this experience.
It's been hard being so far away from my parents (they were here only 'til the end of December).
The c-section wasn't that bad. I'm not saying c-sections are a great idea at ALL, or that a more appropriately qualified doctor/midwife could not have helped me with a vaginal birth, but probably if I had not been in denial about the possibility for so long, I could have mentally prepared better and maybe even dealt with the nursing issues related to being in pain and immobile a little better.
I have major regrets about that 3rd trimester swap. Jewelysmommy sent me a wonderful package that i got when my mom arrived in December; I loved that stuff she sent and never thanked her properly for the wonderful baby stuff and the beautiful card/letter. Plus, I never even sent the swap package I was to send, because I got hospitalized right around that time, and then just got so sidetracked with all the weird issues after that. I'm so embarrassed. So I'm owning up to it here, because that was keeping me from coming back to this DDC to!
Anyway, that's where I am now. I'd love to rejoin this group. I can't wait to hear how people are doing....
Oh! And I'm terrified about getting pregnant again! I know that given the principles of LAM, and the fact that i'm exclusively BF-ing twins round the clock, the chances are so slim...but some days i get so scared. it's crazy! anyone else going through this