I haven't posted here a lot throughout my pregnancy. Now I'm starting a thread all about me
I've been going through a lot with this pregnancy and just feel like I need some support and to vent a little. Thankfully I do have a lot of support IRL, but I am terribly needy right now. One of the choices I have made recently isn't quite in line with mothering, so I don't feel completely comfortable posting about it. I do feel ok here though.
First, let me say that I had planned a homebirth and I truly
get how ideal natural child birth is. I also believe that a woman needs to listen to her body and her intuition. Sadly, my body and intuition are telling me that I would be taking a huge risk with my body if I tried birthing a baby through my vagina.
I have bad SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction). My pubic bone crushes and pops when I walk or try to roll over at night. Half the time I simply have to not move unless I have to, and the other half of the time I can hobble around if I have furniture to hold onto so I can support some of my upper body weight. Even with a relatively low risk of permanent damage to my pubic bone if I birth vaginally, its not a risk I can take. Living in this pain (even if it were greatly reduced) is not a possibility I can face.
I also had a 4th degree laceration when birthing my first child. Its healed well. I sometimes have some minor complications. I can live with things the way they are now. If I had another bad tear, however, I could face bowel incontinence in my 50's. Again, a risk I don't feel I can take.
Now for a few disclaimers. I firmly believe that every woman should choose what to do with her body. We are the only ones living in our bodies, and we must be responsible for the decisions we make. I know there are risks with a c-section. I do not want a c-section. I agonized for about 2 weeks over this choice. At one point I felt SO trapped. I have this precious life inside my body and I don't feel safe with ANY of my birthing choices. I finally feel settled with this choice.
I've had some great online support on ways to make a c-section safer for me, and ways to still demand that my baby be treated how dh and I wish after surgery. Dh and my mom are going to be vigilant while carrying out my wishes for me during and after surgery. I'm hoping to maintain as much control as I can under the circumstances.
I guess I just needed to get some of this out on mothering, because this place is important to me. Thanks for listening.
Also, please keep in mind that I am having some trouble expressing myself with written words lately. I am very fatigued, emotional, and I have been in vast amounts of pain for nearly 2 months. I do ok irl, but while typing I tend to lose focus easily. I hope this post is coherent