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#1 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 12:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you find yourself totally connected and bonded to this baby in utero like you were with your first? (if you weren't with your first, thats fine too.)

I'm finding myself thinking a lot more lately that I am not as well bonded as I was with my other two. With my first pregnancy, I was hanging on to every single detail. It seemed to drag on forever. I was VERY anxious to meet my baby. The second time, I was very excited as well. I talked to my belly and rubbed it a lot. My dh did as well. It was our first pregnancy and child together. (first baby was with my husband of my first marriage) So now dh and I are gestating baby #2. I'm noticing that its not as... special? No, thats not the right word. It is to us! But it seems that maybe having a 2 year old to chase around has taken some of the daydreaming and bonding away. Does that make any sense?

I find that I don't get a lot of time to rub my belly and dream like I did with the other two. I haven't even made any guesses as to hair color or anything yet. I'm realizing that in a few very short weeks, there will be a baby here! Will I be distant like I'm feeling now? I'm not depressed. I'm not uncaring. I'm just... tired and have less time. Will that translate into a mother who doesn't bond with her baby??

Though this is baby #3, I truelly am going from one child to two now. My oldest lives with her father half the time, so she is not in my home 24/7. This will be my first experience ever with having two children, at the same time!

Are these feelings normal? (wow that sounds so textbookish )
Am I completly horrible because I feel not quite as connected as with the others? This pregnancy has just been so diffcult physically. I have not been able to take a nap during the day, no.. not even once. To put my feet up, or to get a massage (oh that would be heavenly. I haven't gotten one of those either)... I guess I'm feeling typical "end of the pregnancy" stuff, but I'm wondering if I'm alone?

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#2 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 01:57 AM
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This is my third and I am less connected for sure. With #1, obviously it was a new experience and I had no one else distracting me. With #2, dd1 and I would do this together. This time around however, I found myself actually forgetting (can you believe this) that I was pg until I tried unsuccessfully to lean over something or pull myself out of the pool and got stuck. This last trimester I have been trying to do more as I actually think it is important, but baby #3 is definitely getting the short end of the stick in prenatal attention!

Amy

Mom to three very active girls Anna (14), Kayla (11), Maya (8). 
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#3 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 02:09 AM
 
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well i only have 2 kiddos, but your thread title caught my attention because it was "in the headlines."
with #1 (and of course first, i was not bonded during PG, despite having TONS of time to really be in the moment and we are still not truly as bonded as i would like us to be/believe we could be (somehow??) at 3+ years and with # 2 i was very distracted during PG by having a toddler to mommy but i am WAY more bonded now with this child (11 m/o).
#1 was a hospital controlled birth - AROM, pitocin, epi, suctioning. #2 was a beautifully simple homebirth. who knows what has to do with what. BOTH were planned with natural fertility and were very much wanted pregnancies to a happily married couple.
whatever will be will be. let go of your mommy guilt. you love your kids. DUH. that's why you're on MDC posting such stuff!!!
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#4 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 02:13 AM
 
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I think I'm as connected. I make an effort to talk to and connect with my baby every night (almost). Kind of like my cat. I felt bad for my cat when my first baby came, so I'd give her special time each day (almost) just me and her, and I still try to, all these years later. With my first pregnancy, I talked to the baby and had tons of time to sit and watch him roll around and savor every moment. With my second pregnancy, it was a little harder to do because I did have to give special attention to my first so he didn't think that my growing belly was more important than him at any point. He was 4 when I was pregannt, so big enough to understand things and it made it a little easier. He was completely involved, so he was connected as well, which made it easier for me to be connected and in tune with my second. Now this is the third and I have to make slightly more effort to connect with the baby but I honestly try to every day. I break out the fetoscope, and hae since 20 weeks, and listen to her and talk to her and ask her questions. She's very vocal about her likes and dislikes (especially in regards to how I am laying/sitting) and I'm glad that we have whatever connection we have. My oldest is 7 now, and has been through this once with me, so he understands, but the little one is 2 and he doesn't "get it" quite the same so I really do have to put more concentrated effort into hanging out with him without involving the baby too much (which is strangely possible despite the massive girth of me LOL) I thinkt hat if I didn't put the time and effort into the bonding though that it wouldn't bethere. I have two kids to chase, to clean up after. I don't get naps as much as I'd like or need and I don't get quiet special time with just me and my womb-baby a lot. I have to sneak it in, like I will here in a few minutes when I go lay down for bed. Its worth the effort that I've put into it, I think, though I do wish I didn't have to put any effort into it. I wish it could just "be". I shouldn't have to work to connect with a person who is literally connected with me, but I do.
none of that probbably answered your question What you are feeling is normal and you are nor horrible, you are a regular ol' mama of two (two who are the same ages as mine, which still makes me smile all these months later)

Namaste, Tara
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#5 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 07:47 AM
 
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I am definitely to busy sometimes to connect-or just plain too tired!

I try to make an effort, but I too at times "forgot" I was pregnant ealier in the pregnancy.

There's no ignoring it now though!

Don't worry, I went through this with my 3rd too, and when it came down to it, I really enjoyed getting to "know" her more after the birth.

I also found that she wasn't as easy to connect to in utero, and her personality ended up being really mellow (for the most part), whereas my older two I was constantly connected with in utero, and they have much bubblier (DD1) and busy (DS) personalities. Hope that made sense!
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#6 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 12:46 PM
 
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So glad to hear others are feeling this way. I feel horribly guilty because I haven't been spending as much time "connecting" with this baby as I did with DD1. My 15 month old has been keeping me SO BUSY and exhausted that I barely have time to think about my pregnancy! I know that as soon as this baby is born, everything will come together, but I have been feeling kind of sad about my lack of a bond with this pregnancy.
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#7 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 01:52 PM
 
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My experience is a little different but I think I can offer some reassurance too. I was not bonded at all to dd. I hated being pregnant and just didn't feel connected at all. I didn't talk to her and even resented her for making me feel so uncomfortable. The minute she was out, I was in love though. It didn't make a bit of difference that I hadn't felt connected to her in utero. I couldn't love her any more than I do. It's incredible. So not feeling bonded doesn't mean a whole lot, I don't think.

This time though, I am much more connected. I think because I know what is coming and that at the end of this I will have another child to love that much. So it's more real and so is this baby. But I think you are normal and that it really doesn't reflect on what your relationship will be with your child at all.
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#8 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 05:17 PM
 
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In some ways I feel less connected, becasue I have less time to really enjoy this pregnancy. But in some ways I feel more becasue I know this little persona will be as awsome as DS, which I didn't quite understand with my first. However, I also realize that starting already this baby will have to make more compromises than DS did, but I figure that will be balanced out by having and older sibling and all the benifits that come with that, and a little elss pressure than DS as with so many adults watching him grow.......

Heather
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#9 of 11 Old 12-17-2005, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your thoughtful and honest responses! Intellectually I know that my feelings are probably very normal, and that I'm not alone. The "mama guilt" comment really hit home. That is how I feel. Guilty.

I think I'm still adjusting to the thought of having two little ones running around, and probably a little scared as to how I can possibly have any more time and energy. Of course, I'm so tired because I'm as huge as a house and ready to birth a baby soon!

I know the bulk of the housework and childcare will still fall on my shoulders even when there is another one, and thats probably got me feeling a bit down and resentful as well.

I realized though, after reading all the responses.. that I do try to hold onto the little moments. When its quiet, and dd2 has *finally* fallen asleep.. I rub my belly for a few minutes and try to connect then. Though it might not feel as natural as it did the first few times, I *am* still trying to bond. I think thats the important part.

treehugger.gifAutistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life. autismribbon.gif  computergeek2.gif

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#10 of 11 Old 12-18-2005, 08:56 AM
 
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I have to admit that bonding with babe when pg is hard for me. I have had 3 miscarriages and I know during the 1st trimester I just wait things out. My 1st pg ended in mc and 2nd pg in birth at 33 weeks. Because of those 2 experiences I really doubted my body's ability to carry a babe to term. I really feel like that is why I don't truly "bond" when pg. When babe is born the love is intense. I don't really worry as I know that we have lots of love to go around over here! Don't get me wrong.....I do lots of belly rubbing and love watching him or her rolling around! That to me is the best. The looks on my children's faces when they get kicked is awesome.
K

momma to 4!
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#11 of 11 Old 12-18-2005, 10:40 AM
 
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I think it took a little longer for me this time around. With my DS, I constantly thought about the pregnancy even from the beginning. With this one, I was so busy with my DS, that it wasn't until I was showing and feeling the baby move around that I really felt connected. And last time I made sure everything was finished and perfect before we brought him home (his nursery, all the little baby things), and this time I'm much more relaxed about getting everything done now that I know that newborns actually need very little "stuff".
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