Disappointed with my parents - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 12-19-2005, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I spoke to my dad on Saturday and I was pretty disappointed (but not surprised) to learn that they won't be coming out after Carys is born. They made such a fuss (still are!) over her birth. She's the 7th grandchild but the first granddaughter. They were pressuring me to come out over Christmas - Carys is due Dec 29. But I asked them to come a few weeks after she was born because I'd need more help then. And I pointed out that we're literally doing nothing for Christmas because we're totally focussed on the birth.

They responded by basically deciding not to come out at all. Now, instead of coming to see their newest grandchild, Dad's taken a 6 month contract job with an oil company. He doesn't need the work and is retired but whatever. And they've made plans to go to France in June for a month. The message I got is: work is more important to Dad than family and they can afford the time/money to go to France but not the time/money to see their grandchild who is a helluva lot closer than Paris but obviously not nearly as interesting.

Honestly, I felt pretty let down. They've gone to see all the other grandchildren after their births. I feel like because I set some limitations or boundaries, they've just turned their backs. So now no one in my family is coming out. Not my parents - for reasons known only to them. Nor my sister who has a family of her own and is financially strapped. Her at least I can understand. She's been lamenting that she can't come out and wishes we lived closer together.

I feel pretty alone and kind of abandoned, though I know that most of that is hormonally influenced. Rationally, I know that my parents are stressful. They came out in the summer for a few days and it was really intense. Good, but they're the type who need to be entertained instead of just helping out. I know that this isn't a bad thing overall, but can't help feeling the way I do. Help me put this in perspective, ladies!

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#2 of 10 Old 12-19-2005, 09:21 PM
 
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I can see why you'd be upset. Did they tell you why they weren't coming? Do you think they'll change their minds once Carys is here?
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#3 of 10 Old 12-19-2005, 10:00 PM
 
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I can understand and sympathize feeling alone and abandoned by family. The few family members that are still alive (small family) live only a few towns away and I haven't seen them in over a year. They have only met my youngest dd twice, and when they called last (about 6 months ago) they couldn't remember her name.

I'm getting more used to it as the years go on, but it isn't always easy. Especially when I see others surrounded by family for the holidays. to you mama.

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#4 of 10 Old 12-19-2005, 11:51 PM
 
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I also can understand why you are feeling sad about this. I wonder if your parents will feel more of a sense of urgency about coming once Carys is born.

Do you think they understood clearly your reasons for asking them to come after Carys is born versus earlier? In other words, you don't think they carried away the message of "we don't really want to see you" as opposed to "we really want to see you when it would work best for all of us"? I am by no means suggesting that your communication was to blame; I am only thinking of my own family dynamic and how often misunderstandings can occur.

I hope that one way or another, they get to see her before she's six months old.
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#5 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 01:26 PM
 
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That does seem very disappointing. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you should be getting from them!

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas, awesome birth, and easy-going babymoon!

s

Tracy

Rockin' mama to Allison (9), Asher (5) and Alethea (3), head over heels in love with my sexy husband, Tony.

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#6 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your supportive words, everyone.

ehsclt, I had thought of that and recently sent an email to them encouraging them to come out for a visit again soon. I made a point of saying how much I enjoyed their visit this summer and want to spend more time with them. Hopefully that will reinforce to them that I actually DO want to see them. But that's about all I can do. So we'll see what happens.

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#7 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 06:57 PM
 
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Sorry Mama! I can understand why you're upset. I'm in the oposite situation as you, though. I don't want my mom coming after the birth. She and I just grate on each other, and knowing her, I'll end up ready to kill her by the end of the week.

Good luck with everything, and hopefully they'll come around!!
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#8 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hear you, Greenie.

Thing is, I know at an intellectual level that having my step-mom around would be stressful. She's just a very stress-inducing personality. A million questions is her way of having a conversation.

But at the same time, I'm feeling sad because she and my dad are NOT coming. Is that weird or what?! I mean, it's not like this isn't typical behavior for them. Relic saw this coming a long way off.

I really want my dad to come out because I was always very close to him as a child. He single-parented my sister and me. And because alone he's a great person to be around. Mellow, relaxed and pretty laid-back. When he's with my step-mom, he's an anxious, stressful bucket of nerves.

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#9 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 09:00 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are having these issues. All I know is that when it comes to being an adult and having your own kids and family parents can get really weird. My mom was a totally involved mom growing up, always there, never missed a thing, always checking on us, always talking to us....... Now she's totally different. I think part of it is just that she's older and starting to have concerns of an elderly person, and part of it is that she never had much support once she was a married adult and she just doesn't figure we need it. And I think she is trying to make me pay for movoing so far away from her and maintaining a relationship with my dad that she divorced once I was an adult. There are so many things that it could be, and I honestly do not have the time to dig around and figure it out, I'm sure it's the same for you. My mom has told me she will be around sometime in February, when it is convenient to stop on their way back from their second home in AZ. Whatever!!!!! I wish she would come right after and help take care of me and things that need to be done while I recover and figure out my new baby, but what can you do?? I just hope I am more intune to my kids needs when they are adults and I am the grandma!!!
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#10 of 10 Old 12-20-2005, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We'll just have to be there for each other, Alice

Seriously, a lot of what you said resonated with me. My dad was really close and nurturing when we were little. But once we hit puberty, my sister and I found that he became progressively more distant. Then when he married again, it got pretty bad as he took a back seat to my step-mom's views in all decisions and attitudes. He's become a bit of a limp fish, happy to be led along according to her itinerary. She's even complained to me about it because she hates being in charge all the time in their relationship. Heh.

I think you're right, too. One thing we can do is look at our parents and realize what we can improve upon. Not that our parents did a bad job or anything. But nobody's perfect and we have the opportunity to ensure that we provide things for our kids that our parents missed with us. I know I'll make my share of mistakes along the way but my overall goal is that my daughter will know she's loved and supported throughout her life. Not just when she's a kid.

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