Am I out of line here???? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone ever read "Babyproofing your marriage"?
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#32 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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I wanted to suggest another book, "The Five Languages of Love."

The theory is that your love language is Quality Time. You want your DH to spend some time with you. That's how you feel loved and regarded.

Who knows what your DH's language is, but we can guess it's something other than Quality Time. He may feel he's showing you love, but he's speaking a different language than you speak. Just as an example, maybe his language is Acts of Service, and he shows you he loves you by working hard, taking out the trash, taking the car to the shop and making sure the oil is changed, stuff like that. And he just doesn't GET why you're always after him for TIME which he doesn't value. To him, it's just more nagging, and you should be happy with how he shows you love.

Perhaps if he were to read the book, or at least just the one chapter on Quality Time, he might open his eyes to it. The book is written by a man, so he phrases things in ways that make sense to men and validate their points of view, while still showing them a new way.

That of course doesn't touch the whole SIL subject, but could help.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#33 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 08:01 PM
 
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((((tapatio))))

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Family issues are so hard. I don't blame you for not wanting your SIL to babysit. We've very particular about who sits for dd (only my MIL!). I can understand how that may offend your dh, especially if he's not on the same parenting page as you.
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#34 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the book idea laohaire. However, I have a stack of books dh promises to read and never does. I've tried everything. I even said we weren't trying for a second until he read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Stupidly, he read I think 5 pages and I saw progress so I threw caution to the wind.

Looks like we might need the counseling. How pathetic. We've been married for a year. We've been together for four.
He has been married before. His ex wife is good friends with his sister in law. Still. I've had the pleasure of attending parties where she has been. She is exactly like his sister.

I'm sorry I'm so negative. I'm just... this is pathetic. Pathetic. What has happened to my life? I still have ex boyfriends contacting me, why can't I have the same effect on my husband?

I'm holding off on writing him an email. I can't write anything productive.
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#35 of 41 Old 11-28-2008, 10:02 PM
 
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Tapatio, I'm sorry. Your dh has a lot of waking up to do, I'm just not sure how to advise you to do it............I just wanted to give you a hug.

: Mama to ds (5) and dd (3) and .
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#36 of 41 Old 12-02-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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[QUOTE= I detest football season - it makes getting anything done on weekends nearly impossible. [/QUOTE]

Hunting season is like that for me - I still have a backyard full of leaves to be raked and we've already had a snowfall. At least I (sometimes) get a nice pheasant out of it though.

I've come to the conclusion that dh actually feels that when he is not at work, the time is his time, and any time that he gives is sort of a gift. He is annoyed to have to do work around the house on HIS vacation. I know he realizes intellectually that this is faulty, but I regularly have to point out that deciding to grow up means time and money are not all for fun like when he was a child and his mom did all the work.

I am starting to think the old saying that men are overgrown children is true and has some kind of horomonal basis. Or maybe it's related to how we raise our boy children.

 I like the mind to be a dustbin of scraps of brilliant fabric, odd gems, worthless but fascinating curiosities, tinsel, quaint bits of carving, and a reasonable amount of healthy dirt.
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#37 of 41 Old 12-02-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluegoat View Post
I've come to the conclusion that dh actually feels that when he is not at work, the time is his time, and any time that he gives is sort of a gift. He is annoyed to have to do work around the house on HIS vacation. I know he realizes intellectually that this is faulty,
This, exactly. With a two year old and a four month old, we have finally gotten to the point where I think my husband really gets it. I have spent the past two years explaining to him, in many different ways, that whenever he chooses to go out and do something he is also choosing for me to take care of the kids while he does it. So it doesn't get to be just his decision anymore.

When you don't have kids, going golfing doesn't have a huge impact on your partner's activities and it's mostly your call whether you want to go or not. When you do have kids, it has to be a joint decision. That's a huge shift for many men to make.
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#38 of 41 Old 12-02-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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: to the sex thing.

My parents were here for the Thanksgiving weekend and DD stayed at the hotel with them at night. DH got more loving from me than he has in awhile and he is a whole 'nother person. I think that I am feeling better too.

I have noticed this effect in the past but never really thought of it in this way.

And BTW, it's an upward spiral of love and attention. The more we both give to each other the more we want to give.


OP: I just went back and finished reading the tread. I am so sorry your are going through this. My advice above maybe a little to simplistic for your situation.

My normally loving (although always very needy for "his time") husband has been a complete a** during both of my pregnancies. He turned inward and was much less available to me right when I needed him the most. He never had time to spend at home. It was just his way of dealing with the reality of the coming changes I think. I also questioned weather I wanted to stay married during both my babes first years. Maybe my hormones were heightening my feelings of neglect. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to share that your not alone.

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#39 of 41 Old 12-04-2008, 01:11 PM
 
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IMO your dh is spoiled and doesn't know how good he has it... or rather, he doesn't know what he is missing out on by not being a part of your family. He sounds more like a visitor, and a boy who still wants all the play time he can get, when he should be acting like a man who has a family and responsibilities. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really... when was the last time you got 6 hours in a stretch to spend time "with the girls," let alone 6 hours every week!?

ETA: I just read your other post and realize you're dealing with a lot of issues. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice... I am just always astounded at how selfish some men can be.

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#40 of 41 Old 12-31-2013, 09:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I felt compelled to post an update.  I just logged back on to Mothering, haven't been here in a long, long time.  I was just going down memory lane, reading my old posts.  

DH and I ended up getting divorced when our youngest was 2.  I'm shocked it wasn't sooner after reading this post.  Anyway, we went through a very quick but painful divorce.  We still managed to do many things together as a "family", though it usually ended with hurt feelings and vows to never do that again.  Somehow my oldest didn't seem to pick up on too much, I think he's just an optimistic kid.  However, my youngest was effected.  He missed me terribly when it was "dad" nights and I ended up detaching the best way I could so it wouldn't hurt ME as much, but it still hurt the kids. 

Anyway, after 2 long, hard years, we ended up starting counseling this past summer and this December I moved back into our home.  He and I have done a lot of growing the last two years, reading this post feels like reading something someone else wrote (until I read the details and it all came back).  Being divorced DEFINITELY made him a much much better father (..and "ex husband", hehe)   I can't imagine him wanting to be away from us for an entire day (let alone two!) like this post suggested.  I didn't think I could ever be in love with him again and yet I love him more now then I ever did in the past.  I feel more whole now then I ever did back then.  I am not as passive as I was back then and yet he is not as uptight as before.  Although its hard our children had to go through being separate, I do not regret the past a bit.  My oldest never saw it as a bad thing, he seemed to see having two homes as a good thing.  My youngest missed the other parent when they were not there and seems to be more secure now when he has both Daddy and Mommy around.  I'm glad we only had to do that for two years.  It feels wonderful being a family now :) 

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#41 of 41 Old 01-04-2014, 09:29 PM
 
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Lots of hugs.

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