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#1 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 03:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Dh and I just had one of our biggest arguments.

Our son is two and a half. Recently, he has been very challenging, and he has always been demanding of our constant attention.
I'm also two months pregnant.
Dh works, he leaves at 7 a.m comes home about 6 p.m When he gets home, he is pretty good about taking ds and then I go cook dinner. With football season and basketball season, I feel like the tv is constantly on, it bothers me. Dh doesn't get it. I have been a sahm for 2 and a half years.... the t.v is almost never on. Rarely do we watch one children show-that's it.
Anyways, he works monday-thursday. Sunday is his football day; he goes over to his friends house and they do the guy thing. The last few Friday's he has been planning on going golfing with his friend, but ... well... too much detail but the friend needs to plan on leaving work early and it just hasn't worked out each time. But this has put a damper on our last three fridays, we pretty much just wait around at home until we find out his friend can't make it, by that time it's nap time and we're all tired.
This week he is going to an all day golf tournament on Saturday and he will be gone all day Sunday. Friday I have a doc appointment an hour away.

I told dh that sometimes it's hard when he is gone for both days, and then we only have Friday. I understand he needs his Sundays (he is gone about 6 hours- whatever, if it makes him happy- fine) but being gone both days is tough on me. He got very defensive and starting asking me if i was trying to take that away from him? I "gotta give him something"...... I told him again I understand his Sunday's-have your Sunday's, don't feel guilty about it, enjoy it. it just gets hard when it's both days. (this happens about once a month) I told him I'm not looking for a solution, just maybe some acknowledgement and understanding.

dh and I rarely "fight" but I could tell he was so heated and mad. He said O.K and pretty much ran off, slammed the bedroom door.

Am I out of line here??? I really don't think I am... but maybe in my little head I am. Remind you, my life is ds and dh. I also have my mom around who is a great help to me but dh doesn't get along with her (a whole other post) I feel like we spend no time together, we haven't had sex in two weeks since we're both so tired. Rarely do we have quality family time... it's usually him and ds (and I'm cooking or sleeping or taking a shower) or me and ds.
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#2 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 05:11 AM
 
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I don't think you are out of line at all. I often make mention of things like that even when I don't want a solution I just want acknowledgment.

I think it is important that our partners are aware of what places pressure on us. If we let it fester and feel taken advantage of it makes us resentful. Having an issue out in the open also gives our partners the opportunity to help find something that may help or to give us something in return.

My husband needs to go away a lot for work. I know his job and pay are some of the reasons I can stay home but the absence still puts pressure on me. There is no solution to the absence but he knows that I may need extra help when he gets back.

I'm tired I hope this makes sense.
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#3 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 05:30 AM
 
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You're not out of line. My DH also had trouble adjusting to his new role as a parent -- and I mean . . . it took a few years to adjust to the "new" role!

It's so hard because, depending on the couple, there are work commitments, work social commitments (dinners, cocktail hours, whatever someone's work requires socially), there is alone time, there is friend time, there is family time, there is couple time . . . . it becomes a lot to juggle and there is generally some imbalance. I know there was for us!

One thing that really really helped me was going out. I mean, I used to martyr myself for two reasons: 1) I thought DS really really needed me *all the time*. He didn't; 2) I thought that if I didn't "push" family time, it wouldn't happen. Honestly, it didn't for a while, until DH caught on.

So . .. If DH won't prioritize family time, then you, OP, need to say, "OK . .. . bummer. .. But on those Saturdays, I'm going out with my mom, sister, friend, by myself, etc. . .. " Leave your DC with your DP and off you go. Two things will happen. He'll start to "get" how draining it is to care for a kid all the time and he'll start to actually want to spend time with you because you're not forcing it.

The most attractive thing anyone can do is be confident, busy, and happy. Yes, it sucks that he doesn't seem to prioritize giving you a break and spending time with you and your DC. But I think people, especially men, don't realize they really need to or want to and it becomes a low-level war between the woman pushing and nagging for time and the DH pulling away.

Hang in there!
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#4 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 05:32 AM
 
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I don't think you are out of line at all. Things get really hard around here whenever DH has extra work hours or more "outside" activities than usual. Luckily he gets that I don't begrudge him the extra stuff he wants to do, we just actually need him at home too. My DD is 2.5 btw and I'm 3 months pregnant, I totally get where you are coming from!

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#5 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 09:45 AM
 
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What, exactly, are you supposed to "give" him? What does he "give" you? I mean, he has a whole day, every week, for himself. You don't. I think he is wrong. I bet he wouldn't like it if you took of two days a week.

Why does it seem that men's lives go on as usual when children come along, but ours change forever? Why do they seem to expect that their lives don't change?

I can understand wanting "me" time. But, in some cases, if we women took as much, or demanded as much as some men do, we would be considered selfish.

I think that you need to take off on another Friday AND every Saturday. Leave him with the children and go. Take time for you, since he doesn't seem concerned about it.
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#6 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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yes, you have every right to be upset/concerned with this. he does have the right to need time to himself for fun, and so do you. i would approach it during the daytime when you are not face to face, like during lunch time, give him a call and say something like, i know i upset you the other day, but i just miss us alot and i always thought we would be spending more time together than we do. (or something like that) on the phone works better because you are not in each other's face and the distance may help. explain that you feel ds is missing out on quality time with you guys and that he will only be this age once.

i agree with pp, my dh doesn't get it either. he is chief resident and has alot of responsibility, along with tons of hours AND he works night clinic so we can have extra money. when he comes home he usually spends it on the computer emailing and paperwork and then sits on the couch to unwind and watch the news. he spends an average of 10 mins a night with ds and it hurts me, but what can i do? i know he will "get it" one day....but until then, the kids are my total responsibility and i have accepted that. this too shall pass.....

pp was right, why do our lives change dramatically, but dh's lives stay pretty much the same? it's the way of the world...i think it is like this pretty much everywhere.

will post more later, ds just pooped!!!
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#7 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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Ugh, DD is only 4.5 months old and DH and I have already had quite a few...let's say, heated discussions...about this. When I asked him point blank, "How were you expecting your daily life to change once we had a baby?" he stared at me blankly and realized that he'd never thought about the fact that things would change. It really seemed to open his eyes.

The other problem is that we both have a tendency to bottle up a whole list of complaints and then when something happens, everything comes rushing out. It sounds like you two might have the same issue--you're annoyed about the TV being on, you're annoyed about his friend ruining your Saturdays the past few weeks, your annoyed about how little parenting support you're getting, AND you're annoyed that when he does help you with DS it's because you're busy doing something else. All of which are TOTALLY valid, but when they all come pouring out at once, it's easy for your DH to feel attacked and get defensive.

So, yes, he's totally out of line, but if your DH is anything like mine, you probably won't get anywhere with him if you approach him with that mindset. Tell him how much it helps you that he takes DS in the evenings, even though he's worked hard and he's tired. Tell him how great he is with DS, and that you're not trying to take anything away from him. And then tell him that you love him and you feel like you never get to spend time together as a family. When I sell this one to DH as 'I'm so busy with the baby and the housework that I feel like I don't get to focus any attention on YOU,' (smooch, bat eyelashes) it usually goes over pretty well without him feeling at all attacked.
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#8 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 03:11 PM
 
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What, exactly, are you supposed to "give" him? What does he "give" you? I mean, he has a whole day, every week, for himself. You don't. I think he is wrong. I bet he wouldn't like it if you took of two days a week.
That's what I'm wondering. Do you get a day to yourself every week? Maybe that would be a wake-up call for him.

OR, can he not take DS with him?

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#9 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 03:21 PM
 
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The other problem is that we both have a tendency to bottle up a whole list of complaints and then when something happens, everything comes rushing out. It sounds like you two might have the same issue--you're annoyed about the TV being on, you're annoyed about his friend ruining your Saturdays the past few weeks, your annoyed about how little parenting support you're getting, AND you're annoyed that when he does help you with DS it's because you're busy doing something else. All of which are TOTALLY valid, but when they all come pouring out at once, it's easy for your DH to feel attacked and get defensive.

So, yes, he's totally out of line, but if your DH is anything like mine, you probably won't get anywhere with him if you approach him with that mindset. Tell him how much it helps you that he takes DS in the evenings, even though he's worked hard and he's tired. Tell him how great he is with DS, and that you're not trying to take anything away from him. And then tell him that you love him and you feel like you never get to spend time together as a family.
Great advice! Dh and I don't argue about kids, but when we have argued it has been very similar to what you described - both of us pouring open the floodgates with stuff from days, even weeks earlier. Then by the time you bring it up, dp has no idea what you're talking about..... Now we try to address things with one another right away, before the hurt one starts to stew and before the other one forgets what happened.

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#10 of 41 Old 11-20-2008, 08:52 PM
 
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Moving to PasP since this is not an issue that is exclusive to SAHParenting.

 
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#11 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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You're not out of line at all!

DP and I have a deal where he gets Saturday to do what he wants (golf and endless TV, usually) and I get Sundays for Yoga and school cramming at the coffee shop.

Why don't you guys just share the weekend??
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#12 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 01:24 AM
 
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Okay...ummm...you should have more sex. Seriously. It will help both of you. Make it a priority. It will make him WANT to spend more time with you.

Other than that, no you are not out of line. But that doesn't mean he will be receptive. Men (I guess all of us to a certain extent) are competitive by nature. He has to compete to have the worst life. You have to "give him something" because his life is so hard and pitiful, much more stressful than yours.

He also has no clue how hard you work, and leaving your ds with DH is not going to help because he will (if he is anything like my DH) will just watch TV all day while your ds runs around and makes a mess.
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#13 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 01:34 AM
 
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One thing that really really helped me was going out. I mean, I used to martyr myself for two reasons: 1) I thought DS really really needed me *all the time*. He didn't; 2) I thought that if I didn't "push" family time, it wouldn't happen. Honestly, it didn't for a while, until DH caught on.

So . .. If DH won't prioritize family time, then you, OP, need to say, "OK . .. . bummer. .. But on those Saturdays, I'm going out with my mom, sister, friend, by myself, etc. . .. " Leave your DC with your DP and off you go. Two things will happen. He'll start to "get" how draining it is to care for a kid all the time and he'll start to actually want to spend time with you because you're not forcing it.
Same here, I wish though I could just leave the kids with dh even when he gives me this tired look, and gets all quiet, like it's going to be soooo hard for him, see all that he's sacrificing for me, etc etc etc etc etc.

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#14 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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Okay...ummm...you should have more sex. Seriously. It will help both of you. Make it a priority. It will make him WANT to spend more time with you.
Sorry, I couldn't tell if you were joking or not. But, really?!

Personally, I'd hope my partner wants to spend time with me even when I'm not having sex with him! I don't need to have sex with him to have him want to spend time with me or help me.

Sex is reserved for mutual fun, I think. Not something people do to get the other person to stick around more.

At least, from my point of view.

Anyway, I don't think you're out of line. Talk to him about it - when you're both calm. And I agree - when do YOU get a day off?

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#15 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 02:48 AM
 
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Sorry, I couldn't tell if you were joking or not. But, really?!

Personally, I'd hope my partner wants to spend time with me even when I'm not having sex with him! I don't need to have sex with him to have him want to spend time with me or help me.

Sex is reserved for mutual fun, I think. Not something people do to get the other person to stick around more.

At least, from my point of view.

Anyway, I don't think you're out of line. Talk to him about it - when you're both calm. And I agree - when do YOU get a day off?

I was serious. And I didn't mean that she should use sex as a form of manipulation. I'm saying that men like sex. Men like golf. Men like football. Chances are, if you are having more sex, he will feel more relaxed and will get whatever he is getting from golf and football from you instead. And you get to have stress-relieving fun, too. I fail to see what is wrong with both people having fun together.

I didn't mean it like, "I had sex with you, so you have to stay home tomorrow." I meant, "If you stay home, we can cuddle in bed while ds naps." Or "If you are here, we can take a bath together." etc., (whatever they both like to do together.)

Sorry I can't get my point across without sounding like a manipulator. That's not my point.
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#16 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 03:55 AM
 
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Sorry I can't get my point across without sounding like a manipulator. That's not my point.
I actually get what you're saying, Veggiemomma. I don't usually give that as advice to other people, but I absolutely use it in my own life - and I mean that with all sincerity. If it makes everyone feel better, we can say "make love"... but seriously, in an *otherwise healthy relationship*, when in doubt, GET IT ON
Remind yourselves that you are not just parents passing in the night.. you are lovers & partners, after all. I could bore you with biology, but when it comes down to it, DH annoys me a lot less when we're DTD on a semi-regular basis.
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#17 of 41 Old 11-21-2008, 10:14 AM
 
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Oops! Back to SAHPing, because the OP can't access PasP! Thanks to the very thoughtful poster who gave me that heads up! Sorry about that tapatio!

 
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#18 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 04:29 AM
 
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Remind yourselves that you are not just parents passing in the night.. you are lovers & partners, after all. I could bore you with biology, but when it comes down to it, DH annoys me a lot less when we're DTD on a semi-regular basis.
Amen sister!

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#19 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 10:13 AM
 
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Same here, I wish though I could just leave the kids with dh even when he gives me this tired look, and gets all quiet, like it's going to be soooo hard for him, see all that he's sacrificing for me, etc etc etc etc etc.

So ignore him. Act like he didn't give you that look. Because you are tired too. You are sacrificing too. He is their parent too. He needs to realize that.
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#20 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 12:12 PM
 
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I can relate. DH is fanatic about football, and not in a good way. He gets aggressive and uses rough language when the team loses or fumbles.

He puts priority on football and tv, and the tv is on all the time when he's home.

I hate it, but if I mention anything, the argument usually gets worse. I have no advice for you. I'm just commiserating.

DH has on occasion pushed our toddler out of the way if the tv is blocked while football is on. : I detest football season - it makes getting anything done on weekends nearly impossible. My opinion is that life should never revolve around tv or spectator sports.
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#21 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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He also has no clue how hard you work, and leaving your ds with DH is not going to help because he will (if he is anything like my DH) will just watch TV all day while your ds runs around and makes a mess.

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#22 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 03:32 PM
 
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I agree with everyone else. If he already gets six full "fun" hours" per week, without the kids, then you should certainly get equal consideration before he gets even MORE fun time. That is just not even fair at all. :

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#23 of 41 Old 11-22-2008, 05:48 PM
 
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Dh and I just had one of our biggest arguments.

Our son is two and a half. Recently, he has been very challenging, and he has always been demanding of our constant attention.
I'm also two months pregnant.
Dh works, he leaves at 7 a.m comes home about 6 p.m When he gets home, he is pretty good about taking ds and then I go cook dinner. With football season and basketball season, I feel like the tv is constantly on, it bothers me. Dh doesn't get it. I have been a sahm for 2 and a half years.... the t.v is almost never on. Rarely do we watch one children show-that's it.
Anyways, he works monday-thursday. Sunday is his football day; he goes over to his friends house and they do the guy thing. The last few Friday's he has been planning on going golfing with his friend, but ... well... too much detail but the friend needs to plan on leaving work early and it just hasn't worked out each time. But this has put a damper on our last three fridays, we pretty much just wait around at home until we find out his friend can't make it, by that time it's nap time and we're all tired.
This week he is going to an all day golf tournament on Saturday and he will be gone all day Sunday. Friday I have a doc appointment an hour away.

I told dh that sometimes it's hard when he is gone for both days, and then we only have Friday. I understand he needs his Sundays (he is gone about 6 hours- whatever, if it makes him happy- fine) but being gone both days is tough on me. He got very defensive and starting asking me if i was trying to take that away from him? I "gotta give him something"...... I told him again I understand his Sunday's-have your Sunday's, don't feel guilty about it, enjoy it. it just gets hard when it's both days. (this happens about once a month) I told him I'm not looking for a solution, just maybe some acknowledgement and understanding.

dh and I rarely "fight" but I could tell he was so heated and mad. He said O.K and pretty much ran off, slammed the bedroom door.

Am I out of line here??? I really don't think I am... but maybe in my little head I am. Remind you, my life is ds and dh. I also have my mom around who is a great help to me but dh doesn't get along with her (a whole other post) I feel like we spend no time together, we haven't had sex in two weeks since we're both so tired. Rarely do we have quality family time... it's usually him and ds (and I'm cooking or sleeping or taking a shower) or me and ds.
I haven't read any of the other responses because I didn't want my initial reaction to be influenced by what other people think. From what you wrote, I would never be ok with that, with my partner taking two nearly full days out of the week to pursue his own interests and friendships while I stayed home with the baby. I think you are beyond generous to support his Sunday football games with his friends. I know each family is different, but I get burned out being a SAHM and I would need more support and more family time than that.

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#24 of 41 Old 11-24-2008, 10:30 PM
 
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I don't think you're out of line at all. We don't have any fam around so my DH understands that I really need him to help me out. I'd be v upset if he took 6 hrs a week as "me" time and didn't expect to give me the same.
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#25 of 41 Old 11-24-2008, 10:56 PM
 
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My dh reduced the amount of time he went out alone to have fun once I started just scheduling the same amount of time for me to do the same.
And I just felt better about life. It made me start feeling like a normal human again to be kid-free for hours at a time.
I honestly didn't know how he would respond to me going out more...but it wasn't about him. It was about me feeling better about our life.
Him "getting it" was just a nice unintended bonus that popped up.
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#26 of 41 Old 11-24-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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I think you're very generous to be okay with him being gone six hours a week. There's no way I'd be cool with that!

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#27 of 41 Old 11-25-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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Okay...ummm...you should have more sex. Seriously. It will help both of you. Make it a priority. It will make him WANT to spend more time with you.
It certainly makes me a nicer person I aim for every other day, whether we're "in the mood" or not.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#28 of 41 Old 11-25-2008, 02:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
It certainly makes me a nicer person I aim for every other day, whether we're "in the mood" or not.
Lucky lucky. Don't I wish!!! :

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#29 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 05:53 AM
 
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#30 of 41 Old 11-26-2008, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it's just getting worse.
We had a talk about it, he is stressed. He feels like ds rules the house. He wants to be involved with other people, such as his family. Unfortionatly I have issues with his family. His sister is a huge babywiser, his other one is just a constant know it all; she does right we do wrong. Babywiser wants to babysit so that we can spend time together. I dont think I trust that woman with anything other then my laundry. Ds has fallen in front of her: she pointed and laughed. I've seen the way she ignores her sons cries, I don't want her around mine. Plus on a petty side, she bugs the bejesus out of me. She is mid 40's, huge partyer big implaints, short tight skirts, tells nasty jokes, she is self absorbed.
well, dh and her used to be VERY VERY VERY Close. until she got married. He wants to have that special relationship with her SO bad. She blows him off, he gets his feelings hurt.

Anyways, last night he was telling me how nice it was that she was offering to babysit for us. She also sent me an email saying if I needed anything please let her know. (because I'm so tired from the first trimester) He was baffled that I don't see how she is trying to reach out, why won't I take her up on it?
Well. Because she isn't someone I trust leaving him alone with. I have several valid examples. he thinks it isn't going to kill ds to be exposed to that every once in awhile.
There are times in the past where she has been very nice to me... and then just when I start to change my mind about her BAM: She is a BI***. You know what my husband said? Oh sounds like your mom. Well... at least the last five letters.
For the first time in our relationship, I said F U and walked away.

DH has a big issue with my mom. I have a big issue with his sister. I know my mom is a little crazy, a little over the top in love with our son. It's her first grandchild!!!! He can't stand it.. or I mean, her.
Growing up, it was just my mom and i. So... I need my mom. And I guess he needs his sister.

I don't know anymore. I just don't. I'm pregnant. And I'm thinking what a mistake I made. I was so thrilled and now I'm just confused. I know I'm very involved in my child, but I just want the best for them. Now my mind is filled with what if's.

We are 11 years apart. We already have other challenges in our relationship.

I don't think we're going to make it. I really don't. And I have nothing to rely on. I haven't finished college, I have no money of my own.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I don't know what to do. I can't fake it through dinner. i've been trying to write him an email, but I'm always the one that reaches out and tries to make ammends. I'm sick of it.
Maybe he can take ds and go have thanksgiving with his family, and I'll have it with mine. I don't know.

I jump all over the place on this post. I don't know what i'm trying to get across. I just don't know what to do.
I can't believe I'm bringing another child into this. Boy was I stupid

OH! Forgot to write the biggest part. We have been spending some time away from his family lately, because he had some typical family drama. Well, he said "I've been stuck in this bubble, now that I have a taste of it, i don't want to be stuck anymore"

That speaks volumes to me. He has been spending time with us (ds and I).
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