"what about your life?"!!!!!!!!!!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I called one of my good friends growing up today to tell her I am pregnant. She put her mom on the phone so I could tell her to. At first her mom was just surprised, said "congratulations," but then started getting really insulting. Some of the things she said:

-Another so soon? Are you crazy? (3 years isn't so soon IMO)
-What are you going to have like 8 kids or something? (this is #2)
-Exactly how many are you going to have? (my mom had 6, so I think this was coming from that)
- Are you hoping for a boy so you can just be done? (uh, no...)
- What about your life and your future? What are you doing????
- Are you just going to be a mom?
- All kids are just selfish anyway. No matter how many you have. I speak from experience. (she is a mother of 2)
- "Well, I hope you can be happy." Me: "We are very happy about this." "Well then I can be happy for you."

I can't even remember everything specifically, just that I was so appalled. What she was trying to say is that motherhood isn't enough to validate me as a person, so I shouldn't waste too much time with it. I do have a part-time job (like 10 hours a week), but it is something I do, it is no way who I am. Her tone the whole conversation was kind of smiley/laughy, like she was trying to make it friendly heckling while still getting her point across.

I've never come across anyone who was so openly judgemental about my life decisions...especially because I am clearly very happy with my life.

Sorry, just a little shaken up after that, had to vent...

: 10/06 : 10/09
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#2 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:03 PM
 
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Whoa. . . what a way to bring you down about such exciting news. Sorry to hear about such a reaction and congratulations! I hope to be in the same boat soon myself! Go mommies! :
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#3 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:05 PM
 
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Ugh! What an annoying conversation to have. Sounds kind of like my MIL - she says things she really means as jokes, ha ha so funny I forgot to laugh. :

If doing what brings joy and fulfillment to yourself and your family is crazy, well then: go for it. Be totally insane every single day of your happy, fun, interesting, satisfying, content life.

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#4 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:10 PM
 
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bleck, how rude! She sounds like she is unhappy with her own motherhood experience! I understand not wanting to be defined by your kids, but they will and are part of your definition of yourself!

congrats on #2!

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#5 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I thought of another thing she said: "They are cute when they are new, but they don't stay so cute forever." (She says with her daughter in earshot). As if to say motherhood ceases to be enjoyable with grown (growing) children.

Sorry, I don't normally come on the boards to complain about someone, I am just so shocked I need to work through it so I can put my emotional energy back in a more positive place.

It's true, she is openly not satisfied with her children.

: 10/06 : 10/09
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#6 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by prettymom View Post
Sorry, I don't normally come on the boards to complain about someone, I am just so shocked
Welcome to posting on pregnancy hormones! I used to never do it either but being pregnant has made me very irritable and DH is tired of hearing it so I come here!

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#7 of 27 Old 01-20-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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Wow, she sounds like a real party pooper!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. :

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#8 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 12:52 AM
 
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3 years is not too soon at all! we're 10 weeks pg and our youngest is 5 months old. THAT'S TOO SOON! I'd hate to hear what she'd say to me!

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#9 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 01:12 AM
 
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I feel sorry for your poor friend. How awful to say that in front of her own daughter!
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#10 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 09:07 AM
 
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Some people just don't understand that the only appropriate response to "I'm pregnant" is "Congratulations!"
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#11 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 09:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Turkish Kate View Post
Some people just don't understand that the only appropriate response to "I'm pregnant" is "Congratulations!"
:t humb

This should be made into billboards!!!!!!!


<bolding mine>
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#12 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 11:24 AM
 
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Congrats on your news! That's wonderful.

Those comments are about her, not about you. (Though I realize they were directed at you...ugh.) Something is obviously not right as far as her own experiences as a mother.

Very rude on her part. And sad that those are her views.
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#13 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Maddy123 View Post

Those comments are about her, not about you. (Though I realize they were directed at you...ugh.) Something is obviously not right as far as her own experiences as a mother.

Exactly. I feel sorry for her if that is how she feels about being a mother, how sad. I think being a mommy is the best job in the world. Phooey on her, don't let her bring you down.

Congrats to you, you have every right to be thrilled!!! :
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#14 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 11:58 AM
 
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She sounds just like my grandma. Her "congratulatory" call after my second was born included "Well, I hope you don't have another for at least 5 years". :

Honestly, I brushed it off. She was a miserable, hurting woman who could find very few reasons to be happy about anything. Her comments were all about her and had no basis in the rational, and certainly held no weight in my decision making.
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#15 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 01:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Maddy123 View Post
Congrats on your news! That's wonderful.
It is, congratulations

My first two kids are three years apart, with our third coming 8 & 11 years after the first two. He is a terrific child, but I got grief too....from total strangers in the grocery store. One even asked if they had the same father! WTF!

I dont really think it has much to do about your working status....i mean, people have kids everyday, and many women work outside the home (myself included).

Enjoy this special time!
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#16 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 04:06 PM
 
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Congrats ::

3yrs isn't too soon at all. my 1st and 2nd are a little under 3yrs apart.


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#17 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 07:48 PM
 
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Wow, she sounds mentally ill. Please don't let it bring you down. She obviously has serious issues if she would say that to any pregnant woman, let alone her daughter's friend who (I assume) she doesn't even know very well. Yikes.

Oh, and congratulations! Pregnancy is so exciting! :

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#18 of 27 Old 01-21-2009, 08:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
I feel sorry for your poor friend. How awful to say that in front of her own daughter!
:

My neighbor does that too -- when my DS was a baby she said stuff like, "Enjoy him while he's young and sweet, because pretty soon he'll be a brat like mine" right in front of her two kids.

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#19 of 27 Old 01-22-2009, 01:09 AM
 
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wow i don't think i could be friends with someone who was so "happy" for me. congrats on your pregnancy!!

Mama to a wild thing (10/08) and a new thing (8/5/10) and wife to the love of my
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#20 of 27 Old 01-22-2009, 01:18 PM
 
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we'll have our baby when DD is around 25 months old, and we did that on purpose-- with charting, ovulation kits and other what-nots to try to get a BFP on the first cycle (which we did! we were lucky!)

SO!

not everyone thinks 3 years is too close

and congrats! :

ETA:
my grandmother asked me if i would be adding any more "irish twins" to the family after this one! what an old bat!
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#21 of 27 Old 01-22-2009, 01:26 PM
 
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I would say, "What about my life? It's happy! I'm happy! I'm sorry you aren't."

Congratulations!

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#22 of 27 Old 01-22-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamarootoo View Post
my grandmother asked me if i would be adding any more "irish twins" to the family after this one! what an old bat!
Ummm . . . Isn't that when they're born within 12 months of each other?

Make that "dingbat."
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#23 of 27 Old 01-22-2009, 05:05 PM
 
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Congrats to you.

It's sad that she is so unsatisfied with her life and felt the need to rain on your parade. When I meet up with people like that I try to summon up some sympathy for them, and then let it go.

When people give me grief about being a sahm I just tell them that I chose this, and I'm happy with my choice : Life is made up of all kinds of different experiences and phases. What I'm doing is one of them. When my children are more independent I will find something else to do on a day to day basis, but for now I'm really happy I have the chance to nurture them and get to know them. I know it wouldn't be fufilling for everyone, but it is for me.

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#24 of 27 Old 01-23-2009, 07:11 PM
 
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Clearly she has her own issues to deal with. They have nothing to do with you.

She was out of line to say the things she said to you. She sounds like a person with maybe no filter, who was having her own strong emotional reaction to her own issues, and it came out of her mouth

I'm not saying this excuses her behavior.....but that I would not take it personally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prettymom View Post

I've never come across anyone who was so openly judgemental about my life decisions...especially because I am clearly very happy with my life.

Sorry, just a little shaken up after that, had to vent...

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and 3 , in our happy secular
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#25 of 27 Old 01-25-2009, 02:18 AM
 
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Yup, she is jealous. And projecting all her fears onto you.

Let it go if you can. Not worth thinking about. She was talking from her bottom.
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#26 of 27 Old 01-26-2009, 04:11 PM
 
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She has obviously struggled with her own identity as a parent and you were a target for whatever insecurity she was feeling that day. You responded so well. Good going. That must have been hard to hold your tongue and just simply express the love YOU have being a parent.

I wonder how your childhood friend responded?
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#27 of 27 Old 01-26-2009, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She has obviously struggled with her own identity as a parent and you were a target for whatever insecurity she was feeling that day. You responded so well. Good going. That must have been hard to hold your tongue and just simply express the love YOU have being a parent.

I wonder how your childhood friend responded?
My poor friend was mortified. She texted me after the conversation to apologize for her mother and say how excited she was for me.

Her mother has had a sad family life from childhood to the present. She has been very successful financially though. I have been trying to work on ways to reflect her questions/emotions back on her so that I don't get run over, everyone keeps their dignity, and we talk about something that at least sort of makes sense. It's just hard to be quick and savvy when I am being shocked at how bizarre and outrageous her questions are.

: 10/06 : 10/09
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