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How to make the decision to stay home? I'm scared to make the leap!

1K views 20 replies 13 participants last post by  JillyD 
#1 ·
My DD is 9.5 weeks old and I'm still on maternity leave until June 1st. I have a high paying job at an investment bank...which also means long hours (10-12 hour days). I was told before my leave by my boss that I could work at home 2 days/week when I come back. Now that I'm about to start looking for a nanny I e-mailed him to figure out which days and he says he doesn't remember telling me that. He says I can likely work at home on fridays but we'd have to play another day by ear each week - which isn't conducive to setting a nanny schedule. I suppose I should be happy to get 1 day at home but the other days are sooo long!

DH makes a decent salary but makes less than me. We live in one of the most expensive cities in the country so a lot of what we make goes to rent. I feel like I need to make a decision very soon about whether or not to go back. To continue life as it is, I have to go back. And if we ever hope to save enough to buy a home I have to go back. But we could move to a cheaper, less nice apartment or a 1 bedroom in order to save money and we would be able to get by.

I guess I am scared of making the leap. I'm scared to leave a well paying job in this environment...one I love with co-workers I like...I just hate the hours. I'm scared that I won't get another job like this down the road or won't be able to find a job if I decide to go back in a year (there are 10s of thousands out of work in my industry now!). Yet I don't want to miss out on my daughter growing. I know I'll never get these years back. I can't even bear the thought of moving her to her own room right now...how would I be able to leave her for 12 hours/day?

Thoughts from any mommas? I'm sure most of you have made sacrifices to be at home. We you terrified to uproot your life as you knew it to make the leap???

Cindy
 
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#2 ·
ultimately you will have to follow your intuition on this, but i can tell you what i would do in your situation--
i would re-budget everything, move into a cheaper place (if necessary) and be a SAHM. no doubt about it. i say this because my daughter is now 5 months old, and i could not IMAGINE not being able to spend every day, all day with her. she changes so quickly!! and about 2 months ago she began to watch me intently and became so attached to me-- the bond we share is indescribably beautiful. i've never had a job that i have loved as much as this one!

if you can make it on your DH's income, then i recommend that you experience the joy and fulfillment of being your baby's best friend.
 
#3 ·
As a SAH, who used to work here is what I'd do. Go back to work, your salary goes to day care and savings period. See how well you live on what your husband makes. Assuming you have a second bedroom, take everything out of it, and close the door, don't go in there for X amount of time, how well do you live in a "smaller" space. Cancel the cable (or cut whatever you think you can cut). Again live like that for a while, how does it feel to live without "little luxeries". Given your industry you can always walk away in a month or two or three, but getting back in might be hard. Take your concerns for a trial run for a bit.
 
#4 ·
I had a tough time taking the leap, too. I was kind of holding my breath the whole time I was on maternity leave - I knew there was no way I could leave DS and go back to work, but it was tough for me to walk away from a career that I had worked hard to acheive, good coworkers, a nice salary, etc. However, the day I gave my notice and went into the office to get my stuff was one of the most freeing days of my life. When I was driving hom from the office I kept sighing over and over, and I couldn't stop smiling. I got home, snuggled with my little DS and have never looked back.

I don't regret, not even for one second, the decision to leave work and stay home to raise my child. My life looks completely different than it did two year ago and I totally love it.
 
#5 ·
Switching your life so drastically to sahm, plus living on less, plus a move to a different part of town all sounds like a huge amount to bite off at once - with a new baby, no less.

My advice: go back to work for at least 6 months. Save your entire salary except for what you spend on daycare. See if you can live on dh's income (factoring out rent, which you know will be cheaper when you move). Take your time and look around for a cheaper place to live, but one you like, not one you decide on in a hurry. Get to know the new neighborhood well; you'll be there a lot, every day, as a sahm.
 
#7 ·
Thanks for all the thoughts and advice! I especially like the idea of living without the extra room and just on DH's salary to try things out. Only thing is I don't want to go through the trouble of finding a nanny if it's only temporary. Also a nanny here for even 35 hours/week would cost me something like $2200/mo in after tax money. Plus the big kicker is how little sleep I'd get (being to work at 5 am) and how little I'd see DH and my little one. DH and I both think we'd have much more stress with me at work again.

I'm not an accountant. I'm a financial analayst doing research on publicly traded companies. Up until recently I had hoped to do some contract work with hedge funds and banks but no one is hiring for that stuff anymore. Crazy how things changed in the past year since I found out I was prego! Maybe that will be an option again in a couple years though? I wouldn't mind doing some part time work, especially if I could do it from home. I do think I will miss the intellectual stimulation of work if I stop.

DH and I talked a lot last night and looked at apartment ads on craigslist. Nothing has been decided yet but I think we are both really wanting me to be at home. I think we can make it work and if we move out of the city to Berkeley we can afford a 2 bedroom apartment for 5-700 less than we pay right now. We both love the area and had actually planned to move there by year end...only we had planned on moving into a 2 bedroom house for what we pay now. I don't mind staying in an apartment, especially 2 bedrooms...just as long as I have laundry and it's not a dump. We did look at a 2 bedroom in the city yesterday that is 500 less than we pay and it was awful. I have been in my apartment almost 5 yrs so I got it when rent was low...the same thing now would go for 1000/mo more than we pay. Thankfully rents are coming down again now.

The idea of staying home seems so surreal to me! I think it would take a while to sink in that I wouldn't be going back. And to give myself permission to give up a career I worked so hard for. But I was raised by a SAHM and I have such fond and amazing memories of special moments at home with my mom and all the activities I got to do bc she was there to take me and do them with me. I don't want my children to miss out on that! Or to have the nanny be the one getting to enjoy it. My parents struggled financially (and so did DH's) but that is not what stands out in our minds looking back. I'd like to think we'd be better off than our parents were?

Cindy
 
#8 ·
The entire time I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if I was going to back to work after DS was born or not. I did get the okay to work PT after he was born. I had a good job, okay pay. I did like it, but didn't love it. When DS was 10 weeks old I gave myself a couple of days to make the decision. I couldn't stand the thought of putting him in daycare, so I quit. For us, DH made much more than me.

If I had a job that I loved, or had made REALLY good money, I wouldn't have quit. But then I would have been able to afford a nanny and that would have also made a difference.
 
#9 ·
I really hope it works out for you to stay home!!! i keep telling my DH that i'm so glad i get to stay at home and be the one to raise our baby all day. i really can't imagine handing her over to someone else every morning! that would break my heart!
since we don't have a 2nd income, we don't have many "extras" at all, but it is still worth it to me.
it may be a little difficult adjusting to being at home so much (sometimes i battle cabin fever since we don't have a 2nd car), but never underestimate the importance of Mommy-work. sometimes it's a really tough job, but it has incredible benefits!
 
#10 ·
I think the PP have some great ideas for you, regarding living on one income, etc.

I currently work full time as a financial analyst, so I hear where you are coming from. When I had DD, I absolutely loved my job, and though it was really tough to leave DD after maternity leave, leaving my job didn't seem like the best personal option. Add to that, my employer said that I could do part time in the future if I wanted, and I could work a day a week from home, and it made sense for me to keep working.

Fast forward 14 months to a few weeks ago. At my annual review, my manager was super pleased with my work, had no issues, etc (Oh, and by the way, I can't work a day a week from home anymore, part time is not an option, and please let them know if I needed more than a week to find childcare for DD.)

To say I was mad is an understatement.
: I came in early, worked through lunch, worked late, went on week long international business trips, all that, thinking that when I wanted to cut back a bit, I could. The fact is, I work in a male dominated department, and there is little understanding or care given to moms. Unless your finance dept is an anomoly, I would guess you'll be dealing with the same environment.

So, all this to say, think really carefully about how you structure your work if you decide to continue, and know that unless you get your employer to sign legal documents, at any moment they can decide your job position is changing, and you have to work full time (or take business trips, etc) As DD has gotten older, and I get to spend less time with her due to work, I've started to really dislike my job. So the flexible, fun job I had a year ago, isn't anymore!

Finally, if you can find a way to happily live on one income, it really doesn't make a difference who makes more, since profit maximization isn't your goal here. So, I'd just take that consideration out of the equation.

Good luck with your decision, and don't let the stress of returning to work shadow your precious time with your little one!
 
#11 ·
Well DH and I have been having fun looking at apartment ads online and plan to go look at a few on Saturday. His 1 concern is his job security...what if he gets laid off...but there will always be a what if I guess. I told him last night we need to decide soon bc if I am going to go back to work I need to start interviewing nannies right now. We figured out if we didn't move and paid for a nanny we'd only have $1k left of my salary. Not worth sacrificing time with my daughter for $12k/yr. Half my income is bonus and this year my bonus was cut in half. I believe next year's bonus will be even smaller since the economy and business isn't improving...after taxes it just isn't really worth it. If I were still getting the bonuses I did a couple years ago it might be so we could save for a house.

Lindsayk: The entire investment industry is male dominated. The last woman in my department to have a baby came back to work after a few weeks (voluntarily). There aren't many women in my department that have kids. I just think my boss knows that he could easily replace me right now with someone that will work harder for less money. The only thing I have going for me is that i've worked for him for 4.5 yrs on good terms...but lately I see men who have been there less time getting promoted while I and another gal that started the same time stay stagnant...that certainly won't change with a baby. I haven't minded bc getting promoted at my position means more work and a lot less job security and sometimes less money (but with the potential for a lot more)...but at some point it looks really bad to be still doing a job that people generally only do for 2-4 years.

Cindy
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Vegan Princess View Post
We figured out if we didn't move and paid for a nanny we'd only have $1k left of my salary. Not worth sacrificing time with my daughter for $12k/yr.
That was EXACTLY what happened to me. But I was not in your industry. We figured out we would have about that left at the end of the month net. I had planned to stay home anyhow but when we ran the figures while I was expecting, that was what came out w daycare etc. That was over 7 years ago. Congrats on your baby and I know you will make the right choice.
:
 
#13 ·
DH and I just made the same decision - I had a very high paying job as a Project Manager with a company I had been at for many years. When my maternity leave was coming to an end I went to one of the owners and told them I wanted to work from home full time (easily done with my job.) He agreed and it worked out great for a while.

Then DD started getting bigger and sleeping less, I was getting less work done every day and felt so overwhelmed and pulled in so many directions. I knew neither DD nor my job was getting 100% from me so something had to give. There were also some management changes at my job and the my supervisor was not cooperating with my work at home situation (pure jealousy). I was now being told by this new manager that I needed to be in the office two days a week - it was quite difficult to find daycare that was part time for an infant. Plus I did not want to put DD in daycare. I explored the nanny option but just felt more uncomfortable with paying a stranger to take care of my child.

So after many discussions and hard looks at our finances DH and I decided that we could make it on his salary. He makes slightly more than me (he's in sales so his commission is higher) but we were still taking a huge hit to our income. We had planned on moving to a larger house later this year which we realize may not be possible with only one income.

It was a VERY tough decision to make since we are sacrificing so much and have to totally change our lifestyle and way of thinking in order to afford this. But at the end of the day, me being home and being here to raise DD is more important - you can put a price on raising your child. I also kept telling myself that work will be there for the rest of my life, I only have one shot at raising our daughter (and I don't want to screw that up!)

I'm only into my second week as a SAHM but so far I'm loving it! At first I was a little lost, not having to check email or talk to customers or answer phone calls, but now I love just being able to focus on DD and not be distracted by work....and not be stressed out.

Its a hard transition and we are living on a pretty strict budget but I believe we can make it work. We also live in a very high COL area (DC area) so who knows if/when we will be able to afford a new house. We have settled in where we are and have decided to make this home for a few more years if need be. We have a grocery budget now and we have to track our expenses very closely which we never had to do.....so it is a huge adjustment for both of us but I really do believe it will be worth it.

I've had quite a few people tell me that I will never regret it.....and that once she is in school I will be able to see a noticeable difference between children raised by SAH parents and children raised in day care.

HTH! Please feel free to PM anytime if you want to talk - as I said I'm only in my second week with this SAHM thing so if you ever want to talk about how its going for me please don't hesitate to PM me.
 
#14 ·
NaturalMama: Thanks for the post! Nice to know there are other mommas facing the same dilemma...and nice to know what you chose. It definitely will be a bit of an adjustment not being able to go out to lunch all the time or just go shopping if I want (not that i have had time to go even once since DD came along - making it to the grocery store is a treat now). But material things just don't mean very much right now. I don't know hwo much I would have gotten done working at home anyway - though I did plan on having help for a few hours of those days or I know I'd get nothing done. So perhaps that would have just been staving off the inevitable.

I am a bit nervous about telling my boss I won't be back. I'm definitely going to wait at least until next month bc I am still getting paid through April and it would be nice to keep my health insurance in place through next month...but I want to give him at least 2 weeks notice before I'm due back. I just wonder if they will be extra pissed since I have been getting paid for 12 weeks maternity leave? The last gal who took leave didn't end up going back either and no one seemed too up in arms...she actually came to the x-mas party a few month after she quit.

Cindy
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Vegan Princess View Post

I do think I will miss the intellectual stimulation of work if I stop.
You probably will. I've been home two years and I still miss it. But I look at my mom and my MIL and I tell myself that they have been back to work for 20+ years now after being SAHMs, so there is time in life for everything. And yes, they earn less now than they would if they had not left the workplace, but so what. Your little ones will only be little for so long.

Good luck with your decision.
 
#16 ·
I think we made our decision! DH came home tonight and said he'd made up his mind...he wants me to stay home. Yay!! I feel a bit sad about not working for some reason even though I do know this is absolutely what i want. I've wanted to be a stay at home mom always...I guess I just can't believe I actually will be!! I'm guessing I will miss the interaction with my co-workers the most. I decided also in a few months I will send my resume to the flexible consulting firm that specializes in finding professionals (mostly working moms) contract jobs for the number of hours you are willing to work each week. I really don't think there is much work like this right now given the economy and number of people losing their jobs in my industry, but if they find me a short term gig every few months for part time hours I'd be happy to do it.

Now I am wondering some things about my work. My paid maternity leave ends april 24th but I have 3 weeks vacation I'm using up after (had planned to go back june 1st). When should I let my boss know I won't be back? I figure not until after the 24th of this month...they have to pay me my vacation time no matter what. Also wondering if there are ramifications for not going back after a paid leave but I guess that is something to talk to my HR lady about. Thankfully she is very approachable and pro women with babies as she just had her second last year. I doubt there are ramifications though.

Wow - I can't believe I'm going to be a SAHM!!

Cindy
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Vegan Princess View Post
I am a bit nervous about telling my boss I won't be back. I'm definitely going to wait at least until next month bc I am still getting paid through April and it would be nice to keep my health insurance in place through next month...but I want to give him at least 2 weeks notice before I'm due back. I just wonder if they will be extra pissed since I have been getting paid for 12 weeks maternity leave? The last gal who took leave didn't end up going back either and no one seemed too up in arms...she actually came to the x-mas party a few month after she quit.
Can you do any of your work from home? I don't know what your deliverables are, but maybe you could tie up loose ends from home for 2 weeks (after your 12 are up) to make people happy without having to go back in to work. Always best to leave things on a good note in case you want back in the industry later on.

Two other things to keep in mind - 1. You will have been away for 12 weeks. They've already learned to live without you, and no one will be terribly surprised if you don't come back. My dept. practically started a pool about whether I'd be back or not. 2. Its important to always act as a professional, and think about your company, but do what is best for YOU and your family. If tomorrow your company thought the best thing for them would be to lay you off, they'd go ahead and do it. So, put your needs first, (because sure as heck, your company will put *their* needs first) do it in a professional manner, and let the chips fall where they may.

And in personal news, my DH and I agreed tonight that I am going to be staying home with DD full time, starting sometime between beg. June and end of July. So, if you end up staying home, we should start a Financial Analysts SAHM group
And if you decide to go back, feel free to ping me about being a mom while dealing with clueless men in the financial world!
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Vegan Princess View Post
I think we made our decision! DH came home tonight and said he'd made up his mind...he wants me to stay home. Yay!! I feel a bit sad about not working for some reason even though I do know this is absolutely what i want. I've wanted to be a stay at home mom always...I guess I just can't believe I actually will be!!
WOOOOO! yea!
:

Now we can start that financial analyst SAHM group


Good luck figuring out the benefits stuff. I think so long as you have intention to go back to work, they have to keep you on the benefits. Its great that you have the 3 weeks of vacation - I would just wait until the end of your paid maternity, then give them notice, since they weren't expecting you back yet. Then you can wrap up all those loose ends.

Congrats! I'm excited for the both of us!
 
#19 ·
LindsayK: Yay - congratulations on deciding to stay home too!! Haha we should totally start a former financial analysts group.
I think I will feel oddly out of the loop when the work e-mails stop flooding my blackberry. I've been so uninterested in logging in and reading or deleting e-mails this whole time though...I've just been reading headlines mostly.

So DH and I went and checked out some places in berkeley this weekend. Turns out you get WAY more for your money there than in San Francisco. So we'll be moving to a bigger place, a duplex/house instead of an apartment with a yard and a washer/dryer for $500 less than we pay now. I think we might have found a place...we're still waiting to hear if we got our first choice but we just found out we got our 2nd (which I still really like). Both are a couple hundred more than I thought we might spend but we can still make the budget work and I think I'll be really happy in either of them. Walking distance to stores and restaurants and parks and nice family oriented nieghborhoods. I'm excited for the change from city living!

Cindy
 
#20 ·
Glad to hear it's working out for you! I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, ever. I wanted a career and after DD was born I went right back to work. Luckily for me, it was a job with summers off. Well, after that time home with her I found that I just could not stand being away from her all day and so I quit and started staying at home. Never looked back.

We have never found that we have suffered too much financially. Like other moms have said, I crunched the numbers and discovered that so much of my salary went to daycare (once I had two kids, all of it, if I chose a high-class place) that it wasn't worth it.

It took a LOT of mental adjustment for me to be happy staying at home. I really missed the mental stimulation of a job. I missed the deadlines and the people and getting out every day and getting up in the morning, getting dressed and going somewhere.

But now that it's been almost five years I am so happy! In a way I never thought I would be. And I am so in love with my little people I almost can't breathe sometimes..
:
 
#21 ·
That is great for you! I went back to work after DD was born and am planning to SAH with DS. I'll just say, it is so hard to balance both and with those hours, i think it would have really drained you. Enjoy your baby...and it is good that you made this decision as a family. Good luck
 
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