Getting over the guilt of staying home? LONG - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 08-27-2009, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How?

It is all I ever wanted, to stay home with lots of kids and cook and bake and play and snuggle all day while they are sick.

Reality? I am turning into my mother... I hate playing, my kids have allergies so baking and enjoying it together is hard, doable sometimes but not how I pictured... I struggle to keep a tidy house because if I can't keep it as clean as my mom then I don't want to clean. But I know neither extreme is healthy and I am trying to find balance....

But finding that balance is hard when our kitchen has been inthe process of Reno for the last 13? Weeks! And it's been over a year and a half since moving here and I am still trying to make the house "mine", while we do own it takes a couple years to feel at home...

So I feel guilty that I don't do what is and should be easy. I have the time and the want but no get up and go. I am not ruling out a bit of depression (undiagnosed joint problems, a one year old, a house in chaos, 4 tenants since moving in, a miscarriage (well 2 but the second was a bit different...) and a break from speaking with my parents because I had finally had enough, they are toxic and my bro has not been on stable ground, and now that I have tried to reopen communication they seem to busy to try...) but I am happy with my life and definately not feeling so depressed that I can't deal.

But then DH was supposed to go to school for ten weeks this summer. We had planned for those ten weeks and saved. He ended up going back for another ten weeks with one week between as it made more long term sense. So money has been all but nonexistant. We will be fine and come out ahead but I am starting to feel that short term pain.

DH is wanting me to be at home. He wants me to be happy (we would have free daycare if I worked but the commute is a bit of a hassel and I just don't want to work) but I feel guilty not working to bring in more money (I sell Tupperware but I don't want to put the energy in to make it what it could be. I want to just work for a paycheck if I am going to work).

Sometimes I know he feels the same way but only when I am not dong ANYTHING around here. He has no problem helping around the house but because we are home all day and I've been feeling guilty and not doing anything it gets messy fast!

So How do I get over the guilt of not working? And the guilt of not being the parent I romanticized right away? And the guilt of not keeping the house in better order?

I KNOW I should just DO it... But that's hard right now...

And I keep romanticizing when my kitchen has a sink and dishwasher again and when dh goes back to work so I can afford to finish organizing the house and life. When he goes back can have the car back and afford he gas to go meet up with friends and play somewhere else other than home always... But then will I get out of this funk or is it just a dream to make me feel better about now?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading off now to do "stuff" and tend to my oldest DD whom sprained her ankel and just wants cuddles and to be carried everywhere...

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#2 of 4 Old 08-27-2009, 08:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by brymommy View Post
How?

It is all I ever wanted, to stay home with lots of kids and cook and bake and play and snuggle all day while they are sick.

Reality? I am turning into my mother... I hate playing, my kids have allergies so baking and enjoying it together is hard, doable sometimes but not how I pictured... I struggle to keep a tidy house because if I can't keep it as clean as my mom then I don't want to clean. But I know neither extreme is healthy and I am trying to find balance....

But finding that balance is hard when our kitchen has been inthe process of Reno for the last 13? Weeks! And it's been over a year and a half since moving here and I am still trying to make the house "mine", while we do own it takes a couple years to feel at home...

So I feel guilty that I don't do what is and should be easy. I have the time and the want but no get up and go. I am not ruling out a bit of depression (undiagnosed joint problems, a one year old, a house in chaos, 4 tenants since moving in, a miscarriage (well 2 but the second was a bit different...) and a break from speaking with my parents because I had finally had enough, they are toxic and my bro has not been on stable ground, and now that I have tried to reopen communication they seem to busy to try...) but I am happy with my life and definately not feeling so depressed that I can't deal.

But then DH was supposed to go to school for ten weeks this summer. We had planned for those ten weeks and saved. He ended up going back for another ten weeks with one week between as it made more long term sense. So money has been all but nonexistant. We will be fine and come out ahead but I am starting to feel that short term pain.

DH is wanting me to be at home. He wants me to be happy (we would have free daycare if I worked but the commute is a bit of a hassel and I just don't want to work) but I feel guilty not working to bring in more money (I sell Tupperware but I don't want to put the energy in to make it what it could be. I want to just work for a paycheck if I am going to work).

Sometimes I know he feels the same way but only when I am not dong ANYTHING around here. He has no problem helping around the house but because we are home all day and I've been feeling guilty and not doing anything it gets messy fast!

So How do I get over the guilt of not working? And the guilt of not being the parent I romanticized right away? And the guilt of not keeping the house in better order?

I KNOW I should just DO it... But that's hard right now...

And I keep romanticizing when my kitchen has a sink and dishwasher again and when dh goes back to work so I can afford to finish organizing the house and life. When he goes back can have the car back and afford he gas to go meet up with friends and play somewhere else other than home always... But then will I get out of this funk or is it just a dream to make me feel better about now?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading off now to do "stuff" and tend to my oldest DD whom sprained her ankel and just wants cuddles and to be carried everywhere...
I am a new SAHM so I thought I would offer MHO...be kinder to yourself. Rather than trying to be perfect at everything just focus on 1 thing at a time. That could be 1 thing a day. Example: Today I am going to clean my bathroom then I am going to be available for the family. Done by 1000. Feel good about yourself and if you don't want to "play" then be in the middle of what they are doing looking at a cookbook. Sounds like you have had a bunch of stuff going on with little outlets. Just remember if Mama ain't happy nobody is happy....my Dh swears by this.

praying.gif Angela married to DHsuperhero.gif......DDguitar.gif age 7 , DDblowkiss.gif age 5 ,  DSsleepytime.gif age 4 and sadly 2 angel.gif  in heaven, Catholic and ribbonwhite.gif with a dash of crunch: hang.gif    chicken3.gif  homeschool.gif
 
 
 
   
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#3 of 4 Old 08-28-2009, 03:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks... He tells me not to be so hard on myself either. He is really great and picks up my slack or helps where needed. I just have been doing nothing this past week with two kids with colds andnow the one having the sprained ankel and the other needs silence to sleep :S

But just a few conversations we have been having about friends $$ and our $$ situation and goals had/have me feeling a bit guilty. But I know even with free daycare me working still wouldn't bring in enough to be worth it unless I went back to my previous profession... DH says it's my own guilt and to get over it or do something about it but I feel like he is just saying that to make me happy... Which isn't a bad thing I guess

I was on such a role with the decluttering and cleaning and then life and birthday parties hit and now the house is part a mess again... I got the playroom cleaned tonight and new birthday toys setup and a plan to declutter the closet in there...

I just need to let go of the guilt and just have fun. But it's easier said than done. Thanks again

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#4 of 4 Old 08-30-2009, 04:23 AM
 
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Oh, you poor thing, you sound so sad . I've been home for 11 years...honestly, there have been some really tough times for us but when I look back, the good times far outweigh the bad ones.

I hope it's the same for you one day . Really, some might say that you could get a part-time job to get out of the house and make a bit of extra money, but I tried that and decided that it was just adding more stress to my life. It was still up to me to do all the cooking, the cleaning, etc, and now I had just added being out of the house for 20 hours a week and I was missing all the fun stuff.

My kids are older now, and they are a bit more independent...so I have more time during the day to get on top of organizing and deep cleaning...meal planning to save money, etc.

It sounds like your husband is very supportive of you being at home, and in my experience I think that is half the battle. I'm sure the renos are very stressful...my friend just reno'd her kitchen and it was a nightmare. But now she has a great kitchen and she's happy with that. Best of luck to you, I'm sure things will get better for you.

I have 3 kids! : Lookit them go!!!
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