Join Date: Oct 2006
Mentioned: 10 Post(s)
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It is all I ever wanted, to stay home with lots of kids and cook and bake and play and snuggle all day while they are sick.
Reality? I am turning into my mother... I hate playing, my kids have allergies so baking and enjoying it together is hard, doable sometimes but not how I pictured... I struggle to keep a tidy house because if I can't keep it as clean as my mom then I don't want to clean. But I know neither extreme is healthy and I am trying to find balance....
But finding that balance is hard when our kitchen has been inthe process of Reno for the last 13? Weeks! And it's been over a year and a half since moving here and I am still trying to make the house "mine", while we do own it takes a couple years to feel at home...
So I feel guilty that I don't do what is and should be easy. I have the time and the want but no get up and go. I am not ruling out a bit of depression (undiagnosed joint problems, a one year old, a house in chaos, 4 tenants since moving in, a miscarriage (well 2 but the second was a bit different...) and a break from speaking with my parents because I had finally had enough, they are toxic and my bro has not been on stable ground, and now that I have tried to reopen communication they seem to busy to try...) but I am happy with my life and definately not feeling so depressed that I can't deal.
But then DH was supposed to go to school for ten weeks this summer. We had planned for those ten weeks and saved. He ended up going back for another ten weeks with one week between as it made more long term sense. So money has been all but nonexistant. We will be fine and come out ahead but I am starting to feel that short term pain.
DH is wanting me to be at home. He wants me to be happy (we would have free daycare if I worked but the commute is a bit of a hassel and I just don't want to work) but I feel guilty not working to bring in more money (I sell Tupperware but I don't want to put the energy in to make it what it could be. I want to just work for a paycheck if I am going to work).
Sometimes I know he feels the same way but only when I am not dong ANYTHING around here. He has no problem helping around the house but because we are home all day and I've been feeling guilty and not doing anything it gets messy fast!
So How do I get over the guilt of not working? And the guilt of not being the parent I romanticized right away? And the guilt of not keeping the house in better order?
I KNOW I should just DO it... But that's hard right now...
And I keep romanticizing when my kitchen has a sink and dishwasher again and when dh goes back to work so I can afford to finish organizing the house and life. When he goes back can have the car back and afford he gas to go meet up with friends and play somewhere else other than home always... But then will I get out of this funk or is it just a dream to make me feel better about now?
If you made it this far, thanks for reading off now to do "stuff" and tend to my oldest DD whom sprained her ankel and just wants cuddles and to be carried everywhere...