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#1 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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a SAHM would be so adament about putting her kids in a daycare when they get to a certain age (between 18 mos and 2 yrs).

I have a SAHM friend who loves her children, I have no doubt, but sends them to full time daycare (an alleged "Montessori" school, but I know the only thing Montessori about it is it's name). My honest thought is, "why have kids if you're going to send them away?" But of course I've spent quite a bit of time mourning all the lost time w/ DD while I was WOHM, so this has a bit to do with it, but still, I don't understand.

It's expensive, the kids come home sick, foul-mouthed (have you ever heard a 2-yo yell the "F" word? ), and I just don't see the benefit in it. Am I missing something, maybe from her standpoint?

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#2 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 06:24 PM
 
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My oldest goes to Montessori, and I know most schools prefer they start early, like 2 1/2 or three, I can't remember. A lot of Montessori schools don't take kids over a certain age with no Montessori experience. I know you said it's not a "real" Montessori school but maybe she feels like it is and wants her kids to get the full Montessori experience.

Also, while I personally feel like my kids are better served at home at least until 5 or 6, I know I am in the minority among my mom friends and I know some of them feel that my boys (6, 4 1/2 and almost 3) should all be in school of some kind.

So... all of that to say that I think it is pretty common to think that even very young children "need" to be in school at least part time.
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#3 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 07:03 PM
 
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A lot of Montessori schools don't take kids over a certain age with no Montessori experience.
Wow, I didn't know that. My daughter started Montessori when she was 4 y.o.

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Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Help me understand why.... a SAHM would be so adamant about putting her kids in a daycare when they get to a certain age (between 18 mos and 2 yrs).

I have a SAHM friend who loves her children, I have no doubt, but sends them to full time daycare (an alleged "Montessori" school, but I know the only thing Montessori about it is it's name). My honest thought is, "why have kids if you're going to send them away?" But of course I've spent quite a bit of time mourning all the lost time w/ DD while I was WOHM, so this has a bit to do with it, but still, I don't understand.

It's expensive, the kids come home sick, foul-mouthed (have you ever heard a 2-yo yell the "F" word? ), and I just don't see the benefit in it. Am I missing something, maybe from her standpoint?
How bizarre about the swear word. But, yes, I've heard 2 y.o. use colorful language. They learn it from their parents.

How many children? How old are they? You don't see the benefit in it, but she does obviously. Yes, you're missing something. It could be that putting her kids in preschool keeps her sane and out of the newspapers. It could be that she believes being a sahm is the right thing to do but is struggling mightily with the reality of it. That's one possible scenario.

Regardless, this is her way of being a sahm.

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#4 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 07:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How many children? How old are they? You don't see the benefit in it, but she does obviously. Yes, you're missing something. It could be that putting her kids in preschool keeps her sane and out of the newspapers. It could be that she believes being a sahm is the right thing to do but is struggling mightily with the reality of it. That's one possible scenario.
Her 3 kids are 5, 3, and 10 mos and she wants another. I doubt she could be struggling too hard w/ being a SAHM if she's wanting another already.

I guess it does just boil down to different parenting styles. It just breaks my heart to think about kids that young being separated from their moms for no apparent reason, at least to me.

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#5 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 07:31 PM
 
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Maybe because she likes the baby stage but can't stand the toddler stage and is going nuts at home with three children. And she wants a break and has the funds to pay for it? And she knows her own, personal, situation and emotional capabilities better than you do? I'm sure she's not doing it to break your heart.
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#6 of 83 Old 09-30-2009, 07:50 PM
 
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Some parents believe that a child needs to be socialized by a certain age. As if socialization cannot occur anywhere but a school or daycare.

To each his/her own I suppose.

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#7 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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I have my three (almost four) year old in a Montessori school. I guess I might have been judgmental like you back when I only had one kid, but now that I have three things are different. Some people like being with their little ones 24/7. I don't. Some children would be traumatized being sent off to school full time at three (my first would have been), but my three year old isn't.

Also, in our case, this was a public Montessori school and getting our 3 year old in was the only chance of getting our 6 year out of a very bad school and into a very good one (due to sibling priority).

My three year old actually got upset when she had the flu and had to stay home for a week. She didn't want to miss anything at school.

So I'd say if it doesn't work for your family then don't do it, but don't judge someone else's choice.
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#8 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 02:13 AM
 
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I went through a period of time as a SAHM with a baby and toddler where we had a nanny.

Yes, a NANNY. For a SAHM.

DH totally supported this, and it really helped us both maintain our sanity.

She worked about 35 hours a week. The hours varied. Sometimes during the day, sometimes in the evening, so DH and I could have a date night. She was naturally an early riser. So she would come over around 7am on some days, and she would take over the baby (who had kept me up all night nursing), and the toddler, and then I took a long morning nap.

To each her own, I say...
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#9 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 08:48 AM
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Shwarma, I'm on board with you. There are a LOT of SAHMs who send their kids to outright day care! One of my exes has to drop his own daughter off at daycare on his way to work because his now-ex-wife couldn't even be bothered with that much. What was the point?
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#10 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 08:53 AM
 
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I plan on sending my son to Montessori, probably from around 2.5yrs old. I don't feel like Im having kids and then "sending them away". what a ridiculous comment. I want him to have a bright education and take an interest in learning, and make friends and experience new things and new people. I'm still going to stay at home and run the household, and Im still going to parent him. There is a lot more that goes into being a mom than just being with your child 24/7 IMO and just because a mother sends her child to daycare doesn't mean otherwise at all. Daycare doesn't cause foul language, discipline issues cause that. It's all about what is acceptable in your home.
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#11 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 09:35 AM
 
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First of all, she's not "sending them away" to boot camp, or a crack house

They are going to a setting where they are going to do arts and crafts, make friends, and probably have a good deal of fun. Many folks may not agree with this, but so what? Her kids are not going to be damaged from this, and she's probably a better momma getting a break from 3 kids in her hair all day.

I'm a stay at home mom with a writing habit, and I have help. So for hours a day I "leave" my daughter to play outside in the leaves, feed the dogs, or go on the swing in the back while I sit and hide and work on my creative projects. Is that terrible? No way! I still consider myself a stay at home momma and I'm a FIRM believer in everyone having help - be it a daycare, pre-k, or babysitter.

It's not far that every single mother gets judged. It's just NOT! She's not you, and you are not here...maybe if you walked in her shoes you'd be like SUP MONTESSORI SCHOOL! But maybe not, it doesn't matter - you said she loved her kids, and that's the main thing.

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#12 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 10:10 AM
 
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I have removed a couple of posts that were either UAVs or were quoting one. Its ok to disagree but lets keep it respectful.
Thanks.
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#13 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 11:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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They are going to a setting where they are going to do arts and crafts, make friends, and probably have a good deal of fun. Many folks may not agree with this, but so what? Her kids are not going to be damaged from this, and she's probably a better momma getting a break from 3 kids in her hair all day.

I'm a stay at home mom with a writing habit, and I have help. So for hours a day I "leave" my daughter to play outside in the leaves, feed the dogs, or go on the swing in the back while I sit and hide and work on my creative projects. Is that terrible? No way! I still consider myself a stay at home momma and I'm a FIRM believer in everyone having help - be it a daycare, pre-k, or babysitter.

It's not far that every single mother gets judged. It's just NOT! She's not you, and you are not here...maybe if you walked in her shoes you'd be like SUP MONTESSORI SCHOOL! But maybe not, it doesn't matter - you said she loved her kids, and that's the main thing.
Thanks mamma. I think your explanation is how I should see it.I'm mainly just looking at the drawbacks, which isn't entirely fair. I have no doubt that staying home with 3 those ages would be extremely difficult and a break is well-deserved (and needed).

Anyhoo, I think I'm just seeing from "the grass is always greener perspective"...that, and I'm highly emotional right now with having a new baby on the way and remember having to leave DD as an infant (7 months) with a babysitter and having my own issues.

Oh and she's not a single mom.

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#14 of 83 Old 10-01-2009, 12:10 PM
 
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I'm a SAHM with four children, my youngest is 2.5. Right about now (two rough mornings in a row!) sending him to daycare all day while I stay home sounds fabulous. Bonus if it was a Montessori program, double bonus if it were a true Montessori program up to my standards.

Personally, I would find it a bit odd for a SAHM to send her 4 month old to daycare while she stayed home - but then that's just my perspective b/c I LOVED the infant period and don't do so well with toddler+ ages. Other people have a hard time caring for babies, but enjoy the kids much more as they get older.

I'm one who does not think a 2 (or even 3, or even older if you are HS'ing) child needs to be in any type of school. My 4.5 yr old just now started pre-k (part-time) and is loving it. But having been a 0-3 Montessori teacher, I most definitely do see the benefit in starting at 18 months or so as opposed to waiting until 4. That's if you plan to M school for as long as possible. Like others said, too, sometimes it's about getting into the program, and many give priority to those with previous Montessori experience (it's how my DD got into a public Montessori this year).

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#15 of 83 Old 10-02-2009, 06:39 PM
 
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Oh and she's not a single mom.
What that meant was she is not a single mom. But more like "every single time you come over, its always a mess" So it was how come every single mother does something different....


I had to re read that myself.

FWIW, just like you may choose to homebirth, breastfeed past 6 mos or even into toddler time, co sleep etc, she may choose to put her child in a program for her parenting reasons.

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#16 of 83 Old 10-02-2009, 06:58 PM
 
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Thanks mamma. I think your explanation is how I should see it.I'm mainly just looking at the drawbacks, which isn't entirely fair. I have no doubt that staying home with 3 those ages would be extremely difficult and a break is well-deserved (and needed).

Anyhoo, I think I'm just seeing from "the grass is always greener perspective"...that, and I'm highly emotional right now with having a new baby on the way and remember having to leave DD as an infant (7 months) with a babysitter and having my own issues.

Oh and she's not a single mom.

Try controlling your "self talk" in terms as if your friend could hear you. You might be better able to check your judgement at the door Everyone has "evil" thoughts like that. Acknowleging them as unfair & conciously letting them go is an act of friendship.

For the most part, every mom does what she feels she's got to do. It's hard enough being a mother, especially a mother of 3, without the judgement of other mothers. Especially a friend.

This thread has made me so sad & emotional. I've been lurking since you posted but havn't been able to stay calm until now.

I hope for your friend's sake you let go of your judgements on her choices. If you can't, you might consider taking a step back from her so you don't end up hurting her feelings.

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#17 of 83 Old 10-02-2009, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What that meant was she is not a single mom. But more like "every single time you come over, its always a mess" So it was how come every single mother does something different....
Oh yes I see now.

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This thread has made me so sad & emotional. I've been lurking since you posted but havn't been able to stay calm until now.
I was definetly NOT trying to hurt any feelings. I honestly debated posting this thread to the Parenting Forum, but knew SAHMs would be more likely to see it from her perspective. It's no different than me trying to understand why a mom who can breastfeed goes straight to formula or a mom spanks her kids. Those would be her choices, yes, but I haven't walked in her shoes, so I didn't really understand her reason for doing it when she didn't have to.

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#18 of 83 Old 10-02-2009, 11:19 PM
 
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You know what, mama? You didn't sound judgmental to me at all. What I read was "I HAD to leave my baby and I hated it. She gets to stay home so why does she send them to daycare?" Just a vent and trying to gain perspective from the other side, not being 'evil".
And FTR I don't personally "get it" either. I have a 1yo, 2yo and 7yo and none of us leave each other ever, it works for us. Different strokes for different folks
I do have to wonder what she does all day with no job and no kids or husband around though, I'd be bored senseless:yawning

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#19 of 83 Old 10-02-2009, 11:43 PM
 
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I have to admit, I've wondered the same thing myself. I sort of have the attitude that people make the best parenting decisions they can with what they have to work with. I just don't understand some of them sometimes. It doesn't mean that I look down on SAHM's who send their kids to daycare at 18 months, it just perplexes me. They may look at me and think I'm doing my kids a disservice by not sending them to daycare where they can socialize.

Whatever, they're happy doing what they're doing, I'm happy doing what I'm doing, it's not a huge deal. It doesn't mean that I necessarily understand though.

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#20 of 83 Old 10-03-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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Oh yes I see now.



I was definetly NOT trying to hurt any feelings. I honestly debated posting this thread to the Parenting Forum, but knew SAHMs would be more likely to see it from her perspective. It's no different than me trying to understand why a mom who can breastfeed goes straight to formula or a mom spanks her kids. Those would be her choices, yes, but I haven't walked in her shoes, so I didn't really understand her reason for doing it when she didn't have to.
I'm sure this was just an oversight on your part, but PLEASE think twice before you compare using childcare to spanking.
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#21 of 83 Old 10-03-2009, 03:20 PM
 
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I'm sure this was just an oversight on your part, but PLEASE think twice before you compare using childcare to spanking.
how was she comparing using childcare to spanking? she was just mentioning other parenting choices that she doesn't understand.
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#22 of 83 Old 10-03-2009, 04:41 PM
 
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It didn't sound judgemental to me either....just puzzled.

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You know what, mama? You didn't sound judgmental to me at all.

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#23 of 83 Old 10-03-2009, 07:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure this was just an oversight on your part, but PLEASE think twice before you compare using childcare to spanking.
I'm not comparing, I'm saying it's just another parental choice that we make. Not saying they're comparable, just in that they're both choices.

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#24 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 03:09 AM
 
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My honest thought is, "why have kids if you're going to send them away?"

For me - this was the quote that took me back. Homeschooling is a choice, if it works for your family that's great... however it doesn't mean the rest of us are "sending (our kids) away" or doing them some disservice by obliging their desires and needs for socialization and learning.

Maybe you don't "get it," but you don't have to. You also don't have to assume that someone's kid says the F-word because they're in school, or any other batty correlation you could make about it.

You could be a good friend, acknowlege your differences & be fine with it.

My daughter loves her preschool. She started at 2 1/2 for 2 hours 2 days / week because that is what worked for our family. She LOVES school. She is SO sad if she's unable to go (for the first year she was sad any day it wasn't a school day!)

Maybe a better place for you to post your judgements about Stay At Home Moms who don't choose to homeschool their children would have been in the Homeschooling forum.

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#25 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 10:28 AM
 
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I am puzzled by this response here because the OP's original post was wondering about a SAHM sending very young kids (18 months, or 2 yrs) to full time daycare. Not a very part time, part week, enjoyable educational program. I never read any judgements against SAHMS who don't want to homeschool.

I would also be very puzzled by a SAHM using full time daycare for a child this young, unless she was trying to work from home. Not preschool, or mother's day out, or some other way to get a break or get something done once in a while. Full time daycare. I thought that is what the OP was asking about.


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My daughter loves her preschool. She started at 2 1/2 for 2 hours 2 days / week because that is what worked for our family. She LOVES school. She is SO sad if she's unable to go (for the first year she was sad any day it wasn't a school day!)

Maybe a better place for you to post your judgements about Stay At Home Moms who don't choose to homeschool their children would have been in the Homeschooling forum.

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#26 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 11:54 AM
 
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I am puzzled by this response here because the OP's original post was wondering about a SAHM sending very young kids (18 months, or 2 yrs) to full time daycare. Not a very part time, part week, enjoyable educational program. I never read any judgements against SAHMS who don't want to homeschool.

I would also be very puzzled by a SAHM using full time daycare for a child this young, unless she was trying to work from home. Not preschool, or mother's day out, or some other way to get a break or get something done once in a while. Full time daycare. I thought that is what the OP was asking about.
Exactly what I've been thinking. To me, there's a big difference between sending an 18 month old child to full time daycare vs sending a 2.5 or 3 year old child to preschool. I can understand needing/wanting a break but I just don't understand why someone would choose to be a SAHM yet send their very young child somewhere else for 8 hours every day. I'm a SAHM so that I'm the one who has the most influence on my children's lives in their early years so, for me, it would make no sense for me to send an 18 month old to full time daycare. Obviously, not everyone is a SAHM for the same reasons though, it's interesting to see other people's point of views.

DH is a teacher and has students constantly ask him why our kids don't go to daycare. They wonder how our kids will learn anything if they don't go to daycare, as if they can't learn anything at home. They probably think we're doing our kids a disservice by not sending them to daycare.

I didn't see that the OP was passing judgement, just asking for help to figure out what she wasn't understanding. I don't recall her putting down anyone or their decisions. Just because someone doesn't understand or even agree with someone else's decisions doesn't mean that they're judging that other person harshly. It seems like she's trying to understand the other point of view.

So now I'll get my fireproof suit on and await the flames.

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#27 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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To me, there's a big difference between sending an 18 month old child to full time daycare vs sending a 2.5 or 3 year old child to preschool.

I have NO idea where her friend is comming from, but I don't see a difference. What I see is a parent's choice - that's not "no apparent reason," KWIM? Maybe she feels the same way I do about my daughter's preschool - she gets a break & her kids get the benefit of socialisation. Children at school (or any type of "daycare") get constant attention all of the time - many people feel that's important to development & don't feel they can provide that at home. There's no "right" or "wrong" in parenting.

I'm giving my perspective as someone who's experienced the "why have kids if you're going to send them away?" argument from judgemental (*home/unschoolers). I've never been able to form a solid relationship because of this... besides Facebook, these former "friends" and I don't have any close contact. Who wants a friendship in which they are going to be judged so harshly?

Maybe the OP doesn't let her thoughts that would be hurtful for a mother to hear (I think most mothers would be put off by any question beginning with "Why have kids if you...") interfere with her relationship. That's excellent. My message was that she doesn't have to understand, and if she wants to keep a friendship peaceful she could work on self-talk to let her judgement/"opinions" go. If she doesn't let her thoughts interfere then she already does that. Awesome.

*DISCLAIMER: Yes, I realize that most homeschoolers are not judgemental of those who choose not to homeschool

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#28 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 03:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by gillibean View Post
To me, there's a big difference between sending an 18 month old child to full time daycare vs sending a 2.5 or 3 year old child to preschool. I can understand needing/wanting a break but I just don't understand why someone would choose to be a SAHM yet send their very young child somewhere else for 8 hours every day. I'm a SAHM so that I'm the one who has the most influence on my children's lives in their early years so, for me, it would make no sense for me to send an 18 month old to full time daycare. Obviously, not everyone is a SAHM for the same reasons though, it's interesting to see other people's point of views.
Thanks- this is exactly what I mean.

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Originally Posted by Carley View Post
Maybe she feels the same way I do about my daughter's preschool - she gets a break & her kids get the benefit of socialisation. Children at school (or any type of "daycare") get constant attention all of the time - many people feel that's important to development & don't feel they can provide that at home. There's no "right" or "wrong" in parenting.
Yes, you might be right about how she feels, but a "break", IMO, is a few hours a couple/few times a week, I specifically said full time, all week long. 6 or 9 hours is nothing compared to 40+, kwim?

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#29 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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KristaDJ never leaves her kids "ever." She clearly has a different opinion on what "break" is... for her. She also posted "Different strokes for different folks."

That is all I'm saying. You don't have to understand or feel the same way your friend does. Thinking "what's the point of her having kids" isn't the same as "different strokes for different folks."

I also have to say I'm totally shocked I saw "I wonder what she does all day" written in the SAH forum by a SAHM. As most of us Stay At Home Parents (aka Home Managers) know, there is ALWAYS work to do in order to keep a household running. My job isn't just "Mom." When my kids are all in school full time I'll probably be busier than I am now, being that I'll have no "excuse" to play Connect Four for an hour at 10am.

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#30 of 83 Old 10-04-2009, 04:32 PM
 
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I have never gotten the point, either, OP. Just don't get it.
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