Any SAHPs who don't want a career? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 85 Old 02-18-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by JoanCrawford View Post
It's a shame that society doesn't treat parenting (Mothering especially) like the full-time job it is. It's really the most important job in the world, and yet when you're unemployed, the world doesn't look at you the same even if you're working 14 hour days scrubbing floors, cooking, cleaning diapers, etc.
That is very true. When I was a SAHM for a couple of years, I contemplated that a lot. It weighed heavily on me that people saw me differently than they had mere months before when I was working just because I was home with a baby. It bothered me immensely when a few (small number, really) people made the ridiculous comments about "using my brain." I read way more books and newspapers when I was a SAHM than when I worked, so, that just seemed silly to me, not that that is the only way to use a brain.

But, I do have to say, that if we say being a mother is a full time job, then working moms are working double shifts.

As a part time working mom, I totally feel like I work a double shift. It's way harder to work part time and parent (at least when the child is young) than it was to work full time with no kids. At least for me.

But, yeah, it bugs the living crap out of me that people think you are a different person when you have a baby and become a stay-at-home mother for a while.

We celebrate babies with showers, and cards, etc. Heck, the people I WORKED with threw me a shower and were more generous than my own blood relatives were. But it's presumed that babies change you and if you stay out of the workforce too long you aren't the same person.
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#62 of 85 Old 02-18-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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First, I just have to say, that your broken English is SO cute! May I ask where you're from?

Next, I was raised poor. And now I'm raising my own children in a low income situation. The things that you wish for, being able to give your kids things, and take them places... there is just so much more than that. Of course there were things I didn't have as a child. Things I wanted, but I was *happy*. I was loved SO much. And my mom always made it so much fun for us, even when when just had two dollars. Even now, there are things that I cannot do for my kids, but there is so much that we do, and it's wonderful. My kids are happy, and well rooted. They aren't materialistic, and they take pleasure in the little things. So, don' be too hard on yourself. And I totally understand about the house situation too. I've decided to embrace it as "simple living" and I'm really good at it!
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#63 of 85 Old 02-18-2010, 11:06 PM
 
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I had a very good career with lots of opportunities for growth, really good pay and was well thought of by my leadership and peers.

Now I have dirty diapers, no pay, a huge pile of dishes and an awesome, smart, silly, incredibly high needs 12 mo old. Wouldn't go back to my old life for all of the tea in China.

I do hope to get a part time job at the local hippie food market when DD goes to school, but just so I qualify for the employee discount.
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#64 of 85 Old 02-19-2010, 12:01 AM
 
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I don't know. I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years now (4 kids), and for a while there I was content with 'just being a mom', but I've since started taking classes part-time, with plans to go full time in the fall when my youngest is in pre-school. I actually do see myself now with a career within the next few years.

I may change my mind as time progresses, but considering my kid's go to school from 8:30-4:15, I honestly might get a bit bored if I were to stay home full-time at that point. A small part of me misses the working world (though, it was a brief stint before having my first at 21), but I liked the interaction and challenges, the lunch breaks, meetings, and of course the paychecks. I think that is honestly the biggest drive to work again someday. We are comfortable now, but I'd love to have a huge savings account, big college funds for the kids, adequate retirement, lots of opportunities to travel, and just be more than comfortable, yk? Not that money is everything, but the thought of doubling our income makes me happy. I know I would feel differently if I had babies at home in a few years (and hey, maybe I will ), or still homeschooled - but while I know I could fill my time by volunteering or napping (ahhh), I think I want to work, for me - and my family, of course. Maybe if I had a career for a decade and then became a SAHM I would feel like I'd BTDT and was over it - but I kinda 'missed' out on that (no regrets).

I know the question was who doesn't want a career, so sorry for all my rambling. I used to think I was okay with staying at home indefinitely, but in the last year or so, I've changed my mind. I could very well change it back again, or work for a few years and have another kid and be content at home at that point... who knows. Interesting thread, though. I've enjoyed the replies and it gave me more to think about.

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#65 of 85 Old 02-19-2010, 09:44 AM
 
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I don't know. I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years now (4 kids), and for a while there I was content with 'just being a mom', but I've since started taking classes part-time, with plans to go full time in the fall when my youngest is in pre-school. I actually do see myself now with a career within the next few years.

I may change my mind as time progresses, but considering my kid's go to school from 8:30-4:15, I honestly might get a bit bored if I were to stay home full-time at that point. A small part of me misses the working world (though, it was a brief stint before having my first at 21), but I liked the interaction and challenges, the lunch breaks, meetings, and of course the paychecks. I think that is honestly the biggest drive to work again someday. We are comfortable now, but I'd love to have a huge savings account, big college funds for the kids, adequate retirement, lots of opportunities to travel, and just be more than comfortable, yk? Not that money is everything, but the thought of doubling our income makes me happy. I know I would feel differently if I had babies at home in a few years (and hey, maybe I will ), or still homeschooled - but while I know I could fill my time by volunteering or napping (ahhh), I think I want to work, for me - and my family, of course. Maybe if I had a career for a decade and then became a SAHM I would feel like I'd BTDT and was over it - but I kinda 'missed' out on that (no regrets).

I know the question was who doesn't want a career, so sorry for all my rambling. I used to think I was okay with staying at home indefinitely, but in the last year or so, I've changed my mind. I could very well change it back again, or work for a few years and have another kid and be content at home at that point... who knows. Interesting thread, though. I've enjoyed the replies and it gave me more to think about.
I really like your post because it gets at the idea of "seasons of life."

I think it's really hard to say at 21, or 31, or even 41 what you want to do until you are in your 70s and 80s, right?

Life changes. And with life changes come new desires, new needs, new approaches.
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#66 of 85 Old 02-24-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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i've never been a 9-5 type of girl. since i graduated college i've always had multiple p/t or freelance gigs, at least two or three (and as many as five) at any given time. and i liked it that way. i got the "you'll find your way" vote of confidence from a number of concerned elders, but i had found my way... i like having my hand in many pots.

i didn't plan on having children in my 20's, and when i did i wanted to be able to stay home and raise them. and despite dd's early arrival i have been able to do just that. i still work a little here and there from home, and even though things are tight, being home with my girl is priority numero uno (for me and dp), and i'm totally comfortable with that now. for the first few months i definitely felt unsure of my new role as sahm. but i'm starting to think it was because i hadn't made enough new friends that were parents. all of my friends are still dating, finding their niche in the work world, partying. my life seems very vanilla to them — and in their company it did to me too at first. i felt this nagging self-doubt saying "you're supposed to need more than this." i even had some friends flat out ask me when i'd be working again saying "you can't just stay home with her. you'll need a life." i think they expected that since i'd always been so all over the place, the same would hold true even with a kid. and i am still all over the place, but it's channeled differently. this is my job for now and i like it, and in a year or two or ten we'll see (though i suspect i'll feel much the same as i do now) — i'm the happiest i've ever been. i keep telling dp, i'll live in a cardboard box if i can just make babies, watch them grow, and bake tasty vegan treats
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#67 of 85 Old 03-02-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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I have my degree in inter-related special education. I taught in a highly respected specialized school for children with learning disabilities for 7 years. I believed in what I was doing and loved my students and my job.

I am now a SHAM to dd and have truly never been more content in my life. I have no desire to go back to teaching if it means leaving DD in someone else's care (which obviously it would). I am worried about the fact that financially, we may need to consider me working again. I don't want to even though I know I can call my old school and most likely have my job back no problem.

Maybe in the future, when we've had all the kids we're gonna have and they're all in school I might want to go back. But I don't see that happening in the near future. (Unless of course our finances demand it)

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

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#68 of 85 Old 03-07-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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I too have a degree in Education- last year I was turning 40 and kinda went into crisis mode- I had always been a sahm- 13 years!!

So last year I decided I needed to go back to work- I was hired at the first school I applied to. This lasted only half a year. I HATED IT..
I hated not being there to get my kids from school- i missed driving kids from one practice to another and hearing the chit-chat about the day- i missed seeing everyone off in the mornings- i hated relying on all kinds of other sahms to be getting my kids where they needed to go...i missed long quiet mornings with my dh (his glass studio is behind our house so he is flexible with his hours)... i missed my sah-life..

So a year later I find it was a great-the grass is not always greener- kind of lesson for me.. I am a busy sahm- i also figured out that my 'crafting' is kind of work-I never thought of it that way- but I do design and make jewelry with my husbands glass work- his small beads and pendants- and this does contribue to our income- lots more these days when folks cannot afford an expensive glass piece but a small artsy piece of jewelry is doable!!!

Thats all mamas- just having been through this all recently I can finally say- I have my career- I stay at home with my kids!!
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#69 of 85 Old 03-11-2010, 04:14 AM
 
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I have no interest in a career other than a sahm and wife. Being a sahm and wife frees me up to do so many things that i could not imagine taking on another carreer. I do have a real passion for animals and would love to do some volunteer work with animals in the future but it would not take away from my career.

Kelly,newly single mom of four wonderful children.

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#70 of 85 Old 03-15-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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I have no interest in finding a job. I've never really had a real job before i had kids either. I love the freedom of being a SAHM and have very thankful dh has a good enough job that i can stay at home.

If i was to try and get a job it would be pointless it would just go towards daycare for our 3yr old.


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#71 of 85 Old 03-29-2010, 12:34 AM
 
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Being a Stay at Home mom is a job/career and I too am fine with this choice!

I can not even imagine balancing work, kids, their school, house and husband.

I don't know how they do it. I freak out even when my house gets a little messy...
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#72 of 85 Old 09-08-2010, 07:03 AM
 
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I have been a SAHM for 19 years now, and my youngest is now 8. I have always been content to be a SAHM, but I had planned to go back to study at one stage before my DS (8) was born.

Then when he came along, I figured I would wait, but then he got very sick as a toddler, and so his health has never been reliable ever since, so I feel I need to continue to be a fulltime SAHM to be there for him.

I never have and still do not have any desire to get a 'job' in the sense of just something to bring in a few dollars, something that may not give me any mental stimulation; rather I would like to go back and further my studies.

I might do university online next year, as a way to get back into things.

SAHM to three
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#73 of 85 Old 09-08-2010, 07:54 AM
 
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Me! I'm never working (outside my home or for somebody else) again!

When I was little I used to tell people that I wanted to be a painter, have lots of kids and live by the ocean when I grew up.
I never had any desire to have a 'regular' career. (Although I had one for a while)

Now, I live by the ocean, paint folk art, run a small laid back daycare and have 4 of my own kids. But I still haven't grown up....I'm thinking that part's not gonna happen

People used to ask me (like when my twins were LESS THAN A YEAR and my toddler was 2!) when I plan on going back to work......um, I'm AT work, note the two babes on my boobs, the tower of laundry I just folded, the dinner in the oven and the contented toddler laying next to me???
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#74 of 85 Old 09-12-2010, 05:13 PM
 
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Can I add a twist here? So if you're happy being "just mom" and don't really have plans as to what you want to do "when the kids are older" (can you tell I get this question A LOT, but am completely happy just being where I am right now in life- don't really care to think about "later" because I know how fast it all goes by?!) WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE NOSY NELLIES? How do you respond?

I keep reliving in my head a convo I had with a friend (childless at the moment but attending law school then plans on kids right away afterward) where all she could fixate on was "WELL what do you want to do when they get older- like you can't stay home forever!" I do have some things I do in my free time that I'll love having more time to concentrate on when they are older, but still I fantasize about homeschooling the los so that may not even be till they're out of the house in 18 years.

How do you respond?
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#75 of 85 Old 09-12-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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We are transitioning from FT hs to school, with the option to do pt school/pt hs. If my dc love school and want to go FT and if a job falls into my lap that pays well, has "school hrs" and that I enjoy, I would take it. However, I find this scenario very unlikely... so NO, I don't plan to have a career while raising my dc. I do plan on updating my skill etc so when the time comes in 16 yrs that I am free to have a career I'm not at a total loss. I do like the idea of having a pt home business of some kind in the near future.
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#76 of 85 Old 09-12-2010, 07:01 PM
 
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Oh I pray that someday I never have to go back to work again.

Not married and no kids right now, and I work a cruddy part time, minimum wage job. I've never wanted a career, I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. My mother forced me to try university after hs because "you won't go anywhere in life without a degree and it's simply not an option these days to be a sahm, you'll never find a man to agree either" and I was miserable there, I left after the first year. While my friends dream of degrees and careers they're working to achieve I dream of home making and children. DBF agrees that a sahm is important for the first few years (from birth to school age) but doesn't see homeschooling as a good idea and doesn't see the benefit of a housewife if there's no kids home when they could be bringing in money. He softens up a bit more every time we talk though...

Hopefully someday.

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#77 of 85 Old 09-14-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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I don't want a "career." Unless we're talking about the one here at home. I LOVE staying home! It's definitely not easy; at least not while my kids are young. I complain a lot , but I know that I would not be happier working. I didn't have a career before having kids, but I did have a job that I really liked. I'd still rather be home. I'm pretty sure that it will get a little easier once the kids get a bit older. I'm looking forward to homeschooling, more homemade meals and baking (I've already been able to do more of that since the baby started walking), sewing, quilting, more time for gardening, and volunteering. There's so much to do that I feel like I could be busy for the rest of my life. My only thing is that once the kids are grown, I'm not going to feel okay with not having a job if Dh is not happy in his job. He's not happy with his job right now and he's looking into a career change, so hopefully he'll find something he enjoys doing. I wouldn't mind working part time so that he could work fewer hours if his job permits that. But not until the kids are at least teenagers. he agrees.

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#78 of 85 Old 09-20-2010, 06:23 PM
 
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Me. Until I got married, it never once dawned on me that "hey! I might not WANT to work outside the home once I have kids". People (and my own family..) have chastised me for not finishing college but I know it was the right choice for me. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so instead of continuing on and bouncing around from subject to subject, I took a year off and worked full time. Never went back and I can't say that I really regret it. I plan on homeschooling all of our children so that *will* be my "career". There isn't a job in this world that could pay me enough to be away from my child all day. I would do it if I HAD to and we couldn't pay the bills, didn't have enough food, etc. But while there's the option and it's possible for me to stay home, that's what I plan to do. Sure, there are days where I long to be surrounded by my peers and have adult conversations ... but then I think of the stuff I HATED (office politics, getting dressed up, grumpy coworkers, etc) - I'd much rather have a "rough day" w/ the baby than a "rough day at the office", lol.

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#79 of 85 Old 09-20-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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I don't have any plans to go back to work full-time right now. I do still work as a consultant very part-time
just to maintain my professional contacts. That is really just insurance. If something happened to DH or if he was unemployed for awhile I know I would have no problem stepping in as the main breadwinner. That ability to provide if needed is important to me. I'm very happy not working though and hope to maintain my 'retired' status indefinitely.
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#80 of 85 Old 09-23-2010, 10:38 AM
 
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Mr. Wendell Berry puts it much better than I ever could:

Quote:
Marriage, in what is evidently its most popular version, is now on the one hand an intimate "relationship" involving (ideally) two successful careerists in the same bed, and on the other hand a sort of private political system in which rights and interests must be constantly asserted and defended. Marriage, in other words, has now taken the form of divorce: a prolonged and impassioned negotiation as to how things shall be divided. During their understandably temporary association, the "married" couple will typically consume a large quantity of merchandise and a large portion of each other.

The modern household is the place where the consumptive couple do their consuming. Nothing productive is done there. Such work as is done there is done at the expense of the resident couple or family, and to the profit of suppliers of energy and household technology. For entertainment, the inmates consume television or purchase other consumable diversion elsewhere.

There are, however, still some married couples who understand themselves as belonging to their marriage, to each other, and to their children. What they have they have in common, and so, to them, helping each other does not seem merely to damage their ability to compete against each other To them, "mine" is not so powerful or necessary a pronoun as "ours."

This sort of marriage usually has at its heart a household that is to some extent productive. The couple, that is, makes around itself a household economy that involves the work of both wife and husband, that gives them a measure of economic independence and self-employment, a measure of freedom, as well as a common ground and a common satisfaction. Such a household economy may employ the disciplines and skills of housewifery, of carpentry and other trades of building and maintenance, of gardening and other branches of subsistence agriculture, and even of woodlot management and wood-cutting. It may also involve a "cottage industry" of some kind, such as a small literary enterprise.

It is obvious how much skill and industry either partner may put into such a household and what a good economic result such work may have, and yet it is a kind of work now frequently held in contempt. Men in general were the first to hold it in contempt as they departed from it for the sake of the professional salary or the hourly wage, and now it is held in contempt by such feminists as those who attacked my essay. Thus farm wives who help to run the kind of household economy that I have described are apt to be asked by feminists, and with great condescension, "But what do you do?" By this they invariably mean that there is something better to do than to make one's marriage and household, and by better they invariably mean "employment outside the home."

I know that I am in dangerous territory, and so I had better be plain: what I have to say about marriage and household I mean to apply to men as much as to women. I do not believe that there is anything better to do than to make one's marriage and household, whether one is a man or a woman. I do not believe that "employment outside the home" is as valuable or important or satisfying as employment at home, for either men or women. It is clear to me from my experience as a teacher, for example, that children need an ordinary daily association with both parents. They need to see their parents at work; they need, at first, to play at the work they see their parents doing, and then they need to work with their parents. It does not matter so much that this working together should be what is called "quality time," but it matters a great deal that the work done should have the dignity of economic value.
For a long time there were housewives and there was husbandry. I think we have lost something significant as a society by exchanging these for wages.
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#81 of 85 Old 09-23-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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Mr. Wendell Berry puts it much better than I ever could:



For a long time there were housewives and there was husbandry. I think we have lost something significant as a society by exchanging these for wages.
I love this.

Wife to J. Mama to DD(3yo) & DS(1yo)
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#82 of 85 Old 09-27-2010, 08:18 PM
 
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To the original question, I doubt I will ever willingly choose a career again. I despise our capitalist society. I think it runs on degradation and is mutually exclusive with any kind of healthy life. Participating in it on that level would be a last resort for me.
I know this thread is old, but I had to chime in because this has been a huge 180 in my life. I was brainwashed by second-wave feminism into believing that having a career was the only way to be a fulfilled and enlightened woman. So I went to college, got a prestigious law degree, and once I started working I realized I hated it. It took me three jobs, two of which ended disastrously, before I realized I was not cut out to be a lawyer and moreover I didn't have the slightest interest in being anything other than a mother and, well, homemaker. Everything I learned as a child and young woman was totally wrong and working for The Man didn't make me happy at all. Now that I am finally a SAHM, I know that this is the only thing I want to do. I've discovered interests in gardening, baking, and even housekeeping (in terms of wanting to keep my house nice) that I never knew I had.

I highly recommend the book Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes, btw, for anyone who's interested in a little validation re the point I quoted above. ITA with that, FWIW.

As far as support, my DH is okay with being the sole breadwinner. He loves being an attorney and would not want to stay home. My mom seems to disapprove solely because she returned to work when I was 4, and if I do something different then it is a slight to her. She's a big believer in "being able to support yourself" just in case (we have a hefty life insurance policy on DH). But yet we have discussed that having a stay at home parent can be a really good thing for children. So, I think she supports it intellectually, she just knows that she didn't want to do it and sees it as a bit of a reproach. My friends are all supportive.

Great thread, I am really enjoying it!

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#83 of 85 Old 09-28-2010, 12:04 AM
 
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Shhh, don't tell DH, but I have zero desire to go back to any "jobby-job" anytime soon, okay, as in years and years. He assumes I'll go back Fall 2011 and put both kids in daycare (one will be 26 months and the other 5 months) for teaching. I already told him I will never, ever EVER go back to high school teaching. I could "try" to get a job at the community college and then just not get hired. Heh heh. Hey, getting a job is tough these days, right?

Nah, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Honestly it's up to me to sort of step it up and be a better home manager. I've let this pregnancy be an excuse to lie on the couch like all day.

Mama to 2 little darling squooshy faces
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#84 of 85 Old 09-29-2010, 02:57 PM
 
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Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#85 of 85 Old 10-01-2010, 12:58 AM
 
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I have no desire to have a career, but I have a Saturday job that I enjoy. I think a job and a career are two way-separate things: I enjoy having that little bit of extra money to spend on renos or to put into savings, but I have no desire to turn that job into a full-time gig. Ever.

I have 3 kids! : Lookit them go!!!
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