Anyone else feel like the "police?" - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 05-04-2010, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'll try to keep this short and to the point. (after another lovely "moment' with DH)

The whole point of tonight's fiasco is: I am SICK TO DEATH of being the "policewoman" with the kids.

He goes to work, he comes home, he gives them candy, he plays with and talks to them, they go to bed. That is his day. Oh and on the weekends, he'll take them to the park, the zoo, buy them the fast-food I say no to during most of the week (because you just can't eat like that *all* the time!) and go grocery shopping--which consists of him bringing home *all* the treats they like every time--we are talking several boxes of cookies, bags of chips, candy, and usually some sort of cake or rolls too. Despite the fact that I have asked especially not to have the expensive bought-baked stuff because *I* love to bake with the kids and I don't want the Crisco that's in that stuff in my house.

MY day involves referree-ing about 45 sibling squabbles and enforcing the few rules I have---rules he AGREES with.

We also live in a neighborhood where it's near impossible to enforce the rules because most of the kids here do not have any rules. My kids see that and want to be like them.

(I am not talking about being "overly strict" at all. I am talking about not letting children under the age of 6 ride bikes in a parking lot. Or play behind the building, where there is a large standing pond--no idea how deep, but nasty standing water. Or go over to the little playground alone, because that is *supposed* to be the rules where we live, but almost nobody actually follows it.) Typically what I do is when they are out in the evening, if they break a rule, they come in for the night.

I know that I'm the parent who stays home and he is the parent who works. But right now, when it comes to discipline--other than the ONE rule he does enforce about no drinks in the living room--I feel like this is a 95-5 split. I'd be *much* happier with 75-25. (I know 5050 just won't be it, I mean how can it be when I'm the one who's here all day?)

I think that my oldest would argue less with me about the rules if he saw his dad come outside--when he is home--once in awhile--and tell him that he has to come in for the evening because he chose to ride his bike in the road. Or whatever.

Am I asking for too darn much for him to *sometimes* when he is here and he sees the problem--to get off his butt and go outside and enforce a rule? WITHOUT me having to point it out and ask him to do it? Or go outside myself and tell them they need to come in--and they refuse, so I go get him?!

I think they NEED to see him also enforcing the rules I've set...anyone else?

lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#2 of 14 Old 05-04-2010, 11:25 PM
 
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Have you had a (child free) deep heart to heat with hubby?

Resistance is futile Matey
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#3 of 14 Old 05-04-2010, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need to. I can't parent this way anymore. The kids are getting bigger and I feel like espeically oldest DS needs to hear the same things from his dad that he does from me.

the other thing that makes me totally sick is the few times he has actually disciplined DD who is 3, sent her to her room, she *stays* when *I* try to do that, she doesn't. I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to Supernanny her (put her back 8.000 times till she stays...) When I vent about stuff like that, it's *my* 'fault'.......I'm trying to just come up with something else that works for me and her...and leave him out of it.

lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#4 of 14 Old 05-06-2010, 02:13 AM
 
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Show him that post. I think it's pretty clear and reasonable! It is very unfair for him to shove all the "un-fun" parts of parenting off on you; and disrespectful to sabotage your attempts at healthy eating, assuming he agrees in principle that junk food = bad.

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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#5 of 14 Old 05-06-2010, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Part of the "no" to junk is reality budgeting--I just simply can't indulge every single time they ask to eat out or every item they ask for in the grocery store.

Part of it *is* health--I don't WANT to indulge *every* fast-food request and I try to encourage choosing/requests in the fruit section.

He does agree somewhat on junk=bad but he isn't completely against it. *I* would not have introduced it by giving it to them before they even know what it is, but he takes some sort of pleasure in giving them candy and stuff so....whatever floats your boat, I guess. I think trying to totally forbid is only going to lead to making it more appealing later.

I just get upset that I'm the one who, by nature of being the one who's around the most--*gets* most of the junk requests and the discipline issues, so *I* am the one who has to deal with them. While since he is around less of the time, he can spend more of the time he is with them in "fun"--bedtime stories, indulging the *one* request he might get for fast food on the weekend...

I'm seriously considering disappearing for awhile in the evenings just to leave him in charge and let him deal with the stupid stuff I can't stand anymore...like the kids and the neighbor kids I can't stand. (I cannot WAIT to move out of here because of them.) And the battles over whether or not we're going to play in the road like all the other kids around here. (the 'road' like I said before, is not a dead-end non busy cul-de-sac, it is a parking lot with people who don't drive like they live near children, and pretty much everyone here lets kids as young as 3 play out there.)

lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#6 of 14 Old 05-08-2010, 03:44 PM
 
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It also sounds like the kids are enjoying and exploiting dad's "good will" and your hugely apparent disagreement on these issues. You both need to be on the same page, if not at least closer in the book!

Kim sewmachine.gif mama to DS autismribbon.gifreading.gifblahblah.gif12/2005, Pepper kitty cat.gif, and angel1.gif 10/03, angel1.gif 1/05; homeschool.gif

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#7 of 14 Old 05-08-2010, 11:19 PM
 
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I just posted to your cross-post in the GD forum, but I wanted to throw out there that a lot of times in the evenings, after dh gets home and we have dinner, I *do* disappear for an hour or so and let him handle "everyday" life like getting pajamas on/brushing teeth/picking up toys, etc.

I put gas in the car. I do a quick grocery run.
Alllll by myself. It is lovely.

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#8 of 14 Old 05-09-2010, 10:52 PM
 
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You really should have a one-to-one talk with him. Let him know how you feel and the position he's put you in. The important thing is, dont get angry. Be reasonable and talk through this hardship.

Best of luck!
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#9 of 14 Old 05-10-2010, 11:43 PM
 
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Police woman here too. I really shouldn't expect much from DH, he works so hard, but it's hard being the bad cop all the time.
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#10 of 14 Old 05-11-2010, 01:32 AM
 
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I was just planning to bring this up with DH. I am not the junk food police!!! And I do not want to be asked for junk food a million times a week because we've been flexible on the rules. We do family meetings and I'm bringing this up on Friday. I think if we have clarity and consistency on WHEN and HOW MUCH junk is allowed then DD will know she is going to get a treat and it is not dependent on her bugging me. I am sick of saying NO! I also want to be the fun mom who buys treats too...but I can't be that mom because she's already getting overindulged by dad and granparents.

One family I know has the dad take the kids shopping for treats on Saturday, then they eat it on Sunday, and that's it for the week. I wish this was us!!

I think I am going to suggest a policy of ONE bought or out-of-home junk food per week. I am willing to bend the rules for homebaked cookies, especially if it means I get to see DD get all excited about mixing.

ETA: I am also the discipline police. I am big on making DD take responsibility for her actions - you make a mess, you clean...unless Daddy comes home and bails out his little princess. Yuck.
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#11 of 14 Old 05-11-2010, 01:50 AM
 
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Openness is the best policy. Me and my husband try to be as open with each other as possible. There might be feeling hurt here and there, but in the long run, its the only way to have a successful relationship.
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#12 of 14 Old 05-11-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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Devil's advocate here. I think that perhaps the problem is that he doesn't see the kids as much as you do and so he might feel insecure about his attachment to them and feel that he needs to be superfun daddy so that they will love him as much as they love you, their primary caregiver.

I know my husband feels that way with my DD (19 mos) because she prefers me (it's a stage of course) and he feels that he needs to use his time with her to bond, so he spends a large percentage of his time with her doing fun things and indulging her. The big one with us is that he always turns on a movie in the car for her when he takes her to Costco and then the rest of the week I have to suffer through her begging for a "moo-ie! moo-ie!" in the car when I'm taking her anywhere. I hate that dratted DVD player and refuse to use it, but I just put up with him doing it because I know he considers it a special treat from him to her on their Saturday mornings together.

Maybe you could suggest to your husband that he go outside with the kids while they are playing in the evening. That way he could have some bonding time with them AND be right there to help enforce the rules. Or suggest that on weekends he make them "Daddy dinners" (which was something we did when I was a kid) by making popcorn and slicing apples and making ants on a log and then making a picnic with it on the floor and eating with them and then playing a game. That way he's still indulging them and being the hero but not creating problems for you during the week.

Karen , wife x 11 years to J and SAHM to Evie 9-19-08
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#13 of 14 Old 05-11-2010, 11:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ooooohhh you hit a nerve there with that 'bail 'em out' comment, not Daddy but MY MOM who also lives with us. My son (5) actually said the other day that he would not have to clean something up because Grandma would do it. I have literally had to step between her and a mess and say NO. THE CHILD will clean this up. (A name of course lol but whichever one did it!)

I do think he does this because he doesn't get to be around as much, absolutely.

He does cook for them--they *love* his noodles. That's a special Daddy thing. And he will take DS places quite a bit, sometimes DD too but usually just him and DS1.

DS2 is in a very "mama' phase and I think it frustrates him a little, yet he 'gets it' that it's just a phase. (It is bad enough, for example, that he will come and look for me and bang on doors of whatever room I am in after a bit...)
But he does see that DS2 loves daddy too--he will run up to the door and yell "Daddy, daddy!" when he comes home, and they have games they play together. Also, even ds2 baby that he is knows that "daddy=treats" so 95% of the time DADDY is the one he goes to for "nandy" (candy) and 'sucker' ("cookie" is a pretty evenly divided request, I bake.)

lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#14 of 14 Old 05-12-2010, 12:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lyra1977 View Post

I know my husband feels that way with my DD (19 mos) because she prefers me (it's a stage of course) and he feels that he needs to use his time with her to bond, so he spends a large percentage of his time with her doing fun things and indulging her. The big one with us is that he always turns on a movie in the car for her when he takes her to Costco and then the rest of the week I have to suffer through her begging for a "moo-ie! moo-ie!" in the car when I'm taking her anywhere. I hate that dratted DVD player and refuse to use it, but I just put up with him doing it because I know he considers it a special treat from him to her on their Saturday mornings together.
I deal with things like that by saying, "Only Daddy does the movies."

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

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