SAHPs with partners with long, unpredictable work schedules? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 11:19 AM
 
SubliminalDarkness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Outside of Augusta, GA
Posts: 1,441
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just wanted to join in the commiseration. My DH isn't currently in IT(used to be) but he has a job that demands a lot of him. Sometimes he has to work nights, sometimes he has to work days. Some weeks he works four days, other weeks six. Sometimes he has to go in extra in the evening because they have a higher flow of work or because people are missing and they have to maintain a certain level of staff at all times to fulfill the contract. *sigh* And when he works nights, life is extra terrible because then we have to tiptoe around the house all day long and it's miserable.

I do feel very isolated, and it is super frustrating to me. We moved to this area because of this job, in the middle of DH being very sick. My DH also dislikes it here, but he's been able to befriend some of his co-workers. Several evenings a week he will go out for drinks or to play racquetball or something. I don't know anyone, and besides, I have the kids, so I don't go out.

Sometimes I do feel resentful, because even when DH is around, he doesn't help. He's often annoyed by me and the kids, and is usually somewhat short tempered with us. I'd like to be more upset with him, but I know he's dealing with a lot right now(in many areas) and so I really can't bring myself to blame him for it. It's just a really unfortunate situation all around. I can't wait to be able to leave this place.
SubliminalDarkness is offline  
#32 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 05:10 PM
 
Mom2GCNJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hear you all. My dh is self employed and so works non-stop - sun up to sun down. It sucks.

Here is what I'm wondering though - why do you suppose we debate among ourselves whether or not to be angry with our spouses about working so much and it never really seems to cross our collective mind to be angry about the economic structures that force our families into these impossible situations?
Mom2GCNJ is offline  
#33 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 05:48 PM
 
triana1326's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Winthrop, Maine
Posts: 910
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
naking*

trust me, I'm plenty angry at the socio-economic structures as well. Having serious job insecurities due to state budget slashing of social services programs is nerve-racking. At least IT is a pretty secure job! DH started back at work today - no clients available, so no billable hours. So he's at the beach with DD. Now how in hell are we going to pay the mortgage this month if he can't get any hours with clients? I actually work at a small local bookstore on Saturdays as my "me time" and the extra $65 a week is what gets us through the month, gas and food wise. The bookstore owners went on vacation this last week, and here I am, 3 weeks postpartum, working at the store so that we have money to get food and gas and pay some seriously overdue bills. Thankfully, I can bring DS with me and it's three blocks from home, so we don't need a babysitter for DS or DD or a car to get here, but if I hadn't worked this last week, we'd be completely SOL at this point. Trust me, the "structures" that are in place in this country for helping families postpartum suck complete @$$.

If you haven't noticed, I tend to direct my anger over DH's job hours towards other things so that I don't take it out on DH. He gets enough crap from me about everything else...

hippie.gifWife to blowkiss.gifJames , treehugger.gifMama to Saraenergy.gif and Robbie bouncy.gif
knit.gifread.gifgeek.gifgd.gifh20homebirth.giffamilybed2.gif  398/2013, 2/200, 4/52

triana1326 is offline  
#34 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 07:11 PM
 
Mom2GCNJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
triana1326, you are in a really difficult spot. It makes me sad when I hear of mamas having to go back to work too soon. I'm glad your little one can be with you - but still it's just crazy.

I hope you didn't think I was singling you or anyone out with my comments, which were intended as an observation, not a criticism. I hope things improve for you soon.
Mom2GCNJ is offline  
#35 of 42 Old 07-16-2010, 10:32 AM
 
mummamilk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to work hard at not directing my anger towards DH. I remind myself to be thankful I have a DH and that he has a job. I put my anger aside so that our time together can be as enjoyable as possible.

Now to "help me." We joined the Y. (They have financial assistence) I also trade child care with friends.

I urge all of you with absent partners to build a support system that does not include your partner.

I also stopped "waiting" for him to come home. If work came up we(kids & I) went on with our plans.
mummamilk is offline  
#36 of 42 Old 08-08-2010, 12:03 AM
 
mom3b1g's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 9
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can relate! My DH is gone 6 days a week he has a 2 hour commute, so he leaves at 5am and doesnt get home till 8pm. I have 4 kids 8, 6 (with autism...hes a handful),3, and 10 weeks. I dont have any family around or any friends. My only break is when dh comes home from work, i take a drive to the gas station. i am very burned out, mostly because it is summer and all my kids are home from school.
mom3b1g is offline  
#37 of 42 Old 08-11-2010, 03:02 PM
 
f&p'smama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband is a partner at a law firm and works on securities transactions. One once worked for four days straight, getting no sleep. It's pretty ridiculous. I find I don't mind so much on the weekdays, I don't expect him to be home at all in the evenings and we plan our life accordingly. It really sucks when he's gone on the weekends. I feel like it's me and all the Dads giving the Moms a break at the park on the weekends.

I generally don't get mad about it. I do get lonely in the evenings, but I really like to read and I'm used to it. I get frustrated when he's not around on the weekend, or says he'll be around and spends the while time writing emails on his iPhone. Or when it's Friday night at 9 PM and he can't tell me whether he'll be around on the weekend. I feel like his work schedule makes it very hard to plan anything with friends, etc. As the kids get older, though, it gets easier in that I feel like I can handle all 3 kids in most situations now -- none of the kids run from me like they used to and they respect it when I saw it's time to leave a place.

I do envy women whose husbands are home at 6, though. But I married him and had kids with him knowing he worked a lot. It does help to find other women whose husbands work a lot. I have a friend who I'll meet up with for dinner and the park in the evenings and that's nice.

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
f&p'smama is offline  
#38 of 42 Old 08-11-2010, 03:04 PM
 
f&p'smama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The other thing is, though, as the girls get older, they want their Dad around more. It's almost like they didn't notice he wasn't around or just accepted it. Now they ask when Daddy will be home.

The thing that does make me furious is when he tells the kids he'll be home for dinner, and then isn't and doesn't call because he's too busy. That's what makes me angriest.

I feel sad for my kids that family dinners aren't like they were in my family growing up with all of us at the table. They're a bit chaotic and they don't get the chance to hear grown ups discuss things and join in.

SAHM to F & P, : fraternal twins born 3/05, : I, born 12/07 & at 5 weeks in July 2009
f&p'smama is offline  
#39 of 42 Old 08-12-2010, 07:33 PM
 
ILoveMyBabyBird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,489
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my dh normally only works about 50 hours a week, but he is in car sales so sometimes he can come home late, (normally by luck when i make some awesome dinner), and he can often have to go in on his off days which are during the week. It can be hard, and i worry about when ds is school aged that if we put in him public school he will really never see dh much as he works on the weekends. In this job sure you can have a saturday off, but since it is all commission and most customers want to buy on the weekends dh could miss out on half our mortgage payment for taking that saturday off. Which we have worked around since ds is still young, but dh is late to even ds bday parties and nevermind family parties, they are pretty much out for dh. He does try to make sure that he his home one full day of his off day, but like i said when ds is school aged that won't mean much for ds and dh as ds would be in school all day, (and part of the reason I am considering homeschool) but dh is not to keen on the idea...Ds has gotten used to spending one day home with dh and then sometimes we will go out as a family the other day, and there have been times where our plans were ruined b/c dh needed to go into work, i think it is hard at the beginning, but you get used to it, and you begin to adapt and realize that dh isn't always controlling the situation. It sucks, but we move on..

supermod.gif semi crunchy single student super mama to DS 7wave.gif and DD 3shy.gif. Falling in stillheart.gif with single super dad superhero.gif to DD5kissy.gif and DD2energy.gif 
ILoveMyBabyBird is offline  
#40 of 42 Old 08-13-2010, 02:24 PM
 
lanielayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: in a beautiful Montana valley
Posts: 2,064
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, I can so relate to all of you. While my dh isn't in IT, he does have a job where he works 7a to 10p. He does have the weekends off but spends all his time doing other things we need done. This summer he is putting an engine in a truck we desperately need for his job(and the truck is in another town no less) so basically he has been MIA all summer. With 5 kids it has been very difficult for me. I also don't have any family or friends nearby and nowhere near enough money to hire a sitter. I have been angry with him but I also know he is busting his butt to keep our family afloat. Sometimes I think he just doesn't get what I go through though.

In a few weeks, the big kids will be in school and I also will as well. I am terrified of all of the responsibility I will have on my shoulders trying to do well in school myself and be, basically, a single mom to all these kids. It has been hard but it also makes the time we actually do get to do things as a family very special!!

~Lanie mom to Layne, Liam, Maren, Meridian, and Melora
lanielayne is offline  
#41 of 42 Old 08-15-2010, 03:26 AM
 
newtomotherhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DH is a Truck driver and is home 4-6 days a month, and lately it feels like even less, the other day he came home for about 2 hours after being gone for 2 1/2 weeks and hasn't been back in almost a week! It sucks that he is never home and I wish he were home more but I find that when he is home it disrupts our rhythm and everything gets messed up! It's not that he does anything to mess it up it is just his presence that seems to throw everything off wack! And it takes a day or so for things to get back into swing once he leaves again! DD and I are both cranky for at least a day after he leaves and I find the longer he has been home the harder these days are once he leaves! I just tend to do my own thing, and sad to say I sometimes feel more like a single parent than a SAHM!

I choose to stay at home so DD will at least have one parent around, I really did enjoy my job but can't imagine leaving her with someone else when she already doesn't get to see DH very much, to the point where she didn't know who he was and would scream if he came close or touched her! But she is starting to know him better, partly due to the two weeks he took off a few months ago, but than won't be happening again anytime soon!

Alot of people questioned my plan to stay home since we are very short on cash but I would rather do without somethings than DD be without a parent(When I was growing up both my parents drove truck and I spent most of my time with relatives or sitters and sometimes felt all alone, so I don't want DD to have to go through this)!

My post seems to have gotten away from me but what I trying to say is that on some levels I understand what it's like to have DH gone all the time for work!

Proud nursing SAHM to EC'd DD March 25/09! Wife to Truck Driving DH March 1/06!
newtomotherhood is offline  
#42 of 42 Old 08-15-2010, 04:44 AM
 
japonica's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Canada-->Australia
Posts: 979
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
We're also trying to get used to our new normal here. DH is an industrial HV electrician. He used to work in the city for the past 10 months or so (we moved here last August) and then the in town work dried up and he was sent to a mine about 2 hours from here. He lives in camp, is gone all week and comes home weekends.

The first few weeks were really, really awful. They're not a lot better now, but I guess I'm getting used to it...being the only one here after school, dinnertime, evenings to do everything. It's lonely though too. And the kids miss him a lot. I can see how my DD's behavior has changed, subtly, since he started the out of town work. And I'm tired, stressed...all that stuff. I've changed some of the things I used to do...we do easy dinners here, baths are every second night, that kind of thing...

Quote:
It sucks that he is never home and I wish he were home more but I find that when he is home it disrupts our rhythm and everything gets messed up! It's not that he does anything to mess it up it is just his presence that seems to throw everything off wack! And it takes a day or so for things to get back into swing once he leaves again! DD and I are both cranky for at least a day after he leaves and I find the longer he has been home the harder these days are once he leaves! I just tend to do my own thing, and sad to say I sometimes feel more like a single parent than a SAHM!
This is the same with us too...sad to say. We have a pretty ingrained routine now for when he's not here and when he comes home, it's like we're on a holiday schedule or something...everything gets thrown off...I just get tired of doing 90% of raising the kids (and the discipline) on my own.

Mother to DD#1  s/b @40w 2003 for unknown reasons; DD#2   9.5 years old; DS  6 years old 
  Why are daughters protected but not sons?
 
 
 
  
japonica is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off