SAHPs with partners with long, unpredictable work schedules? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 42 Old 05-16-2010, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hah, could my title be any longer? No sure how to phrase it more succinctly... and if there already is a tribe like this please direct me to it but I would love to start a support thread for stay at home parents whose partners work very long and/or unpredictable hours (say in the medical or IT fields).

I am really struggling to adapt to my husband's 100+ hour work weeks and weekends where he has to go in for a "few hours" and then mine and the kids' weekend is scrapped because we spend all day waiting for him to come home, which if he does is late. Even when he is at home my DH is working or thinking about work. I understand that he has to do this to provide himself with job security and he is at the point in his career where he HAS to work like this to advance his career so I am not resentful of him but I am very lonely, sad, and frustrated (at the situation, not him) that I never get a break. I have a mostly nonverbal 2.5 yo DS and a 6 month old DD and I am burnt out. I am thinking about hiring someone to either help with the house or just watch the kids for an hour while I go to things like dental appointments or take a shower but I feel guilty for not being able to "keep up". The most difficult thing to deal with is probably the unpredictability of his schedule. He works in the IT field and if something HAS to be fixed in his company it falls to him. Which it does, all the time. His days have gone from 8-5 to 7-9 most days (missing his kids go to sleep, only seeing them in the morning), working through the night and "some Saturdays" has turned into every Saturday and some Sundays. He is upset by the situation but there is nothing he can do. I miss my husband and can't handle never having a break, a second to myself, to recharge and be a better parent.

Anyone else out there dealing with this?
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#2 of 42 Old 05-16-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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Well, I am a WAHM, but just since dd was 2 (so for the last year). Dp owns his own small business, and yes, works long, often completely unpredictable hours-and I SO here you on those many times when he just has to run in for "a few minutes" which turns into hours. In some ways, it has gotten better since I started working from home, since I no longer am alone from the time the kids wake up until after they are in bed, but it also hard for me to get all my work done because he is often late getting home for me to work if something comes up for him. (I make my own hours, but do need to work a certain amount). So, no it's not just you, and I feel your pain! I would totally get some help if you can afford it-unfortunately we definitely cannot, so I just try to stay positive and not get resentful, which can be hard to do, even though I know he is out there working really hard too, just in a different way that I am! Good luck!

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#3 of 42 Old 05-16-2010, 10:38 PM
 
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Exact same here. DH also works in IT, but he owns his own company so everything falls to him. My oldest is 7 now and basically I stopped waiting on him years ago, I plan our (kids and mine) lives/days now and either DH is around or he isn't but it sure beats sitting around waiting on him. After being mostly a SAHM all this time, I picked up a small job this year, I just needed something that was mine. I work mostly from home around my kids schedule so I straddle the SAHM and working boards.



After #3 was born, I started using sitters, it was the only way to be in 3 places at once without never being able to count on DH. My life improved so much when I did stop counting on DH's help, now when he is around it is great but I also know I am capable of doing it through other means. Hang in there it is rough!

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#4 of 42 Old 05-16-2010, 11:17 PM
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I'm a WAHM and SO owns his own company as well and he has an unpredictable schedule, it's not really about the long hours anymore in that sense he has more freedom.

But we divorced and I was by myself with DD for a year, now we are back together and I'm used to not have him at home at times. I know how to do things by myself and I know what to expect. At this time I have a lady that keeps the house tidy which I am horrible at, and a sitter that helps me with DD sometimes.
At first I went through hell, I hated being alone and I couldn't get anything done and DD being a toddler didn't helped much either.

Getting help it's your best bet if you can afford it.

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#5 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 05:44 AM
 
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I am also a SAHM married to an IT guy who works long hours and does the jobs of 5 people. Seriously...they just did layoffs and he survived them because he's awesome at his job, but sometimes I don't feel like it is worth it. I constantly feel like I'm waiting on him. I don't know why I do that anymore! I also really wish I had some sort of gig of my own, but I don't have the time. My girls are 4 and 7 and I'm homeschooling them. I haven't hired help, because I also feel like it is my job and I should be able to keep up. Coming from a pretty poor family, it also feels like something that regular people just don't do. I don't have any good advice, just empathy.
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#6 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 09:08 AM
 
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4 kids under 10
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#7 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 09:18 AM
 
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Another IT widow here. Thanks for the thread . I hear DH pulling into the drive now (at 10:30pm here) so I'll bbl.

grateful Mama to DD May '06 and DS May '09
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#8 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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IT widow's! Not there is a tribe for you!

Yep, my DH is in IT. I took his pager once and smashed it to bits. Um yeah, that was a temper tantrum on my part huh? But in the moment I was like... "You aren't a doctor, no one is dieing! They can WAIT a few minutes!" Work just gave him another one with no questions LOL!

A friend of mine threw her husband's pager out the car window as he was checking messages as he drove her to the hospital... in labor.

We moved about 3 years ago. Actually, 3 years ago this weekend! LOL! He had vacation time saved up to use to move. We had no phone service, and internet connection, nothing. So he couldn't do anything if he WANTED to! And since it was vacation he turned off his cell phone and pager. Well, guess what they did. THEY CAME AND FOUND HIM! Drove to our NEW house on a Sunday morning at 8:45am as we were headed out the door to church. I just couldn't believe it. My poor DH.

My DH is on call 24/7/365! He works on New Years Ever at midnight because he has to do whatever to keep the ball rolling as the clock turns over to the new year.

He frequently works all nighters (migrations as they call) coming to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning only to get up and do it all again.

It is exhausting and frustrating and I'm so done with it. We don't wait for him any more. Life just moves on and he gets left behind. What else am I going to do?
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#9 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 10:11 AM
 
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You know, I generally find people don't think it's possible to work 100+ hours a week and think 50-60 is torture, so I am loving this thread. My dh is military. Generally he is gone from before we wake up to after we go to bed and one weekend day, but the last few weeks he has been home around 6pm most days that he is able to come home because they are getting ready to go on deployment.

He was in school when my first two were born/little. I don't know how I would have delt with him being gone so much then! It's much easier now that I have a 7yo and a 5yo in addition to my younger two. Also, I'm "lucky" that he is actually gone 6+ months out of the year, I hate to say I'm lucky to have him gone and I certainly prefer that he is home but for someone who spends so little time actually here he sure does add extra work. It's so much easier to keep up when it's just me and the kids. I also hate doing any kind of housework when he's here because I want to be spending time with him, so on the weeks that he has both weekend days off Mondays are a bear. Also, there's no waiting around for him because I know he's not coming home! Peony's got some great advice there, when my dh is home we do stay close to home when he is supposed to only be at work for "a little bit" but it would make me crazy to do that all year long. Right now we're waiting on him, he's supposed to be on leave today but had to go in for "a little bit" and it's not bad because I know he will be home by noon (or at least, I feel very strongly that he will be home by noon) because there are several things we have to get done during a regular work day before they leave and this is the only day he is taking off. Go do fun stuff with your kids, it's so empowering and much nicer (for everyone! your dh included) to just go out and do it without him. He can join you when he can or he can go home and get some much needed sleep, but you'll all have a better day than you would just sitting around waiting for him.
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#10 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 11:08 AM
 
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I think I needed this thread just as much as the OP did. I can so relate to everyone's stories. A 60 hour work week is a very good one, those don't happen that often. I smashed my phone once when DD1 was a screaming baby who hadn't slept in 2 days and I hadn't seen DH in 4, he called to say he wouldn't be home that night until late. He spent my entire labor with DD1 on the phone, she was born at 38 weeks, he wasn't expecting her then, and he spent the whole day telling everyone that as soon as my labor stopped he would be into work. I made very clear with the next two children that if I ever saw a cell phone during those labors that it would end up in the birth tub with me. As I was typing this I got a call from an employee who couldn't get through to DH's cell so he calls me to see if I am around DH.


365/24 on call sucks. People even call on X-Mas, can't you at least let my kids open their presents first, really?

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#11 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 11:36 AM
 
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Seriously, hire some help! You're not going to win any awards for burning yourself out, you need to go to appointments, it might be nice to do a food shopping alone.

DH owned an IT company, and like everyone else, only HE could do such and such a job. Now that he's sold it (he still runs it) and has a staff of about 100, he's still the only person that can do his job. I get frustrated a lot, this week alone, he's away three nights. I do have a lot of help now though and it's saved my bacon. I'm able to get a lot of things accomplished, plus sneak in a little me time so I can be recharged for the kids.

My friends are also a good lifeline to counter the lack of adult interaction. We'll often send emails back and forth (they're all WOHM thankfully with jobs where they can chat like that) I do have a couple of other SAHM friends which I try to get together with and a really good friend who lives down the street, but doesn't have any kids. She works with kids extensively and will often hang out with us for one of the nights DH is away.

I am pretty bossy about our free time and family time being OUR time. Most of his staff and colleagues respect this. His assistant is amazing, and a mother herself so together, we boss DH around *G*. Also, I take time for myself when DH is home too. Even if it's just locking myself in the bedroom with a book, or sending all the boys outside. We do lots of family things together too.

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#12 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sanguine_speed View Post
Mama, I'm going to say this gently and I know I may be VERY wrong. I just know I've seen this elsewhere.

Is it possible that your dh has some control over his work schedule? Is it possible you don't know the whole story?
It is not sustainable to work 100 hours a week including 7 days a week many weeks while leaving your young family home alone.
Is it possible that your dh chooses to work more than he really needs to?
Thanks for the concern, I understand where you're coming from but no, he does not choose to work any more than what keeps him from being fired. He spent the morning with us this morning because he was working from 9 a.m. Sunday- 2:30 a.m. Monday. He has freedom in that he doesn't get "in trouble" if he isn't there at 8 a.m. sharp every morning but there is ALWAYS something else to do and his company is growing at a pace that they simply can't keep up with. My husband is a great father and loves being with us, it is hard on him to work extremely long hours not just from an exhaustion standpoint, but he would MUCH rather spend his time with us.
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#13 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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Thanks for the concern, I understand where you're coming from but no, he does not choose to work any more than what keeps him from being fired. He spent the morning with us this morning because he was working from 9 a.m. Sunday- 2:30 a.m. Monday. He has freedom in that he doesn't get "in trouble" if he isn't there at 8 a.m. sharp every morning but there is ALWAYS something else to do and his company is growing at a pace that they simply can't keep up with. My husband is a great father and loves being with us, it is hard on him to work extremely long hours not just from an exhaustion standpoint, but he would MUCH rather spend his time with us.
Thanks for taking my post as gently as I truly meant it .
It sounds like you have a lot of company here. all around.

4 kids under 10
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#14 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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Back again. OK, so we probably get a lot more time with DH than others in this thread. He normally doesn't leave for work until about 10am so we have plenty of "Daddy time" in the mornings. The (somewhat) isolating thing for me though is that no-one else I know irl has wohp who isn't home by 6:30pm, usually much earlier. DH is never home by then. It's compounded by DD being a bit of a night-owl child who doesn't usually fall asleep before 9:30pm, often later. So when she was a toddler who napped in the afternoon and woke up around the time other kids were about to have dinner and start to get ready for bed we were desperate for a play date. In Summer we still had a couple of hours of park time before dark but no-one to play with. Everyone else has family time in the evenings yk?
OK, enough poor me
The unpredictability is the most annoying (but at the same time most understandable) thing. Like DH will say he'll be home at x time, he'll even leave to start driving home. Then something crashes and they'll call him back, I get a text and don't see him until 2am. Doesn't happen often but it's hard if DD was expecting him.

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#15 of 42 Old 05-17-2010, 08:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The unpredictability is the most annoying (but at the same time most understandable) thing. Like DH will say he'll be home at x time, he'll even leave to start driving home. Then something crashes and they'll call him back, I get a text and don't see him until 2am. Doesn't happen often but it's hard if DD was expecting him.
YES. So frustrating, but I've learned to deal with it a bit better. The other night he was supposed to *really* try to be home by 7 so we could do a date night (only the 2nd one in 3 years) in celebration of his birthday while my BIL and SIL watched the kids. I thought he was going to make it on time, older DS was in bed, 6mo DD was nursed and happy, he texted me he was headed home a little late but not too bad. Then I get a text a half hour later that he was just then leaving . I wasn't mad at him but I was bummed we had to rush through dinner and only have an hour together instead of the 2.5 hours we would have had if he had been able to make it on time. Ah well, at least we go an hour .

Another thing that is frustrating is trying to explain to family and friends our situation... he missed his mom's birthday party and when we were setting up a bbq for his birthday/Mother's Day (He was born on Mother's Day) my SIL was very insistent that he be there. I was like, "Uh, we can plan all we want and he will try but it is really outside of his control sometimes and I cannot *make* him be there any more than he can make clients magically stop blowing up his phone with texts and phone calls and threats of terminating their service when servers crash." And I'm pretty sure our neighbors think we are the most anti-social people in the neighborhood because we rarely make it to neighborhood get-togethers.

I love this thread, glad I'm not alone .
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#16 of 42 Old 05-18-2010, 06:02 AM
 
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I am a sahm and dh is gone all but one weekend a month unless he passes through this way.

You definately sound like you could use a break.Hire a mommy helper or perhaps find another mom who would be willing to swap childcare with you.I don't always do it,but there are times when dh is home that I might leave the kids at home so I can do errands alone.

Now that my kids are older and currently in private school I have a few hours to myself each day unless I am doing volunteer duties at their school(required).If I go back to homeschooling it will be similar to when they were younger,but they will need less constant care.

I usually try to let my dh relax while he is home.I want to do a lot,but I know he needs his time too.

Another option is working out at the Y and having the kids in their childcare room.I don't know the ages they require,but it would seem like a good thing so you can unwind a bit.

All this will pass and you won't even remember how hard it was,or how you managed to get through it! Nothing at all wrong with changing things around to make your daily life better.
Best wishes!
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#17 of 42 Old 05-19-2010, 05:17 PM
 
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Unlike most of you, my DH is in social services, working with families and kids that are at risk of being taken from the home due to behavioral/emotional issues. He works 5-6 days a week, and although his weekly hours aren't long at all, the unpredictability of his hours drives me insane most days. He's basically at the mercy of the families, so if they cancel, or want to reschedule for a different time/day, he has to go with what they want. He just missed our 37-week home visit with the midwives, and we had to cancel the bellycasting we were going to do because he wasn't there. Monday night, one of his clients went into crisis just before he left their house at 8pm, and he ended up staying there for two more hours until the kid could be taken to the hospital for evaluation (basically whether his behavior was horrible enough to get him sent to a residential facility). His schedule is so erratic and unpredictable that I literally have no idea on a daily basis on when he's leaving for work or coming home at night. We have a calendar that his "proposed" schedule gets put on, but it is so far away from the actual reality that I can't stand it sometimes. Most days I wish he'd work a boring 9-5 job just for the security of knowing that at 5:30pm, he'd be home for the night. I think that this unpredictability has really influenced our schedule at home, because DD and i really have no set routines or schedules. Dinner could be at 6pm one evening and 10pm the next, mostly because DH is the one who cooks the dinners. It's so difficult to plan anything, because even on his days off, he sometimes has to work to make sure he gets all his billable hours (face to face hours with clients) to keep his full-time benefits.

Sorry I'm rambling and venting, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with chaos. I think my biggest problem is that I don't want to do things without him and at 37 weeks pregnant, there's not much I can do without him. So having me and DD do our own thing is very hard right now, and I don't see it getting any easier when this little one arrives...Any suggestions?

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#18 of 42 Old 05-19-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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I am a SAHM and my DH is military and we never know WHAT his work schedule is going to be, short day or long day or really really long day... or gone for a week or a month or a year. I have a 25 month old and an 11 month old and I am pregnant with our 3rd and it REALLY sucks sometimes. I think the hardest is that sometimes he is home early for a few days in a row and then just... gone 12+ hours a day. We are lucky that he gets some flexibility to go to appointments and such but as he gets higher ranking it is just getting worse.

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#19 of 42 Old 05-19-2010, 10:53 PM
 
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My husband used to be a Marine (Okay I guess technically still is. You know once a Marine always a Marine). He was deployed a lot 6 months out of the year some times 9. He had 3 back to back deployments. When he was home, he worked 14-15 hours a day plus ttwice a month 24 hours duties. I used to think it was awful. I miss those days. Now he works at least 80 hours a week. He tries to always have sundays off but his crazy work thought it would be better for the family if every 4 weeks he got the weekend. Um someone cannot do math, every sunday off equals 4 days at least a month off. One weekend a month equals two days a month so his work effectively cut his time off in half.

The other thing I missed when he was a Marine was 96s for every federal holiday. It was nice to have a 4 day weekend. He also would work a lot less the 6 weeks coming home plus he got 4 weeks off a year. Also if he needed to go to the doctor or exercise those things were done on the Marine Corps time not his personal time. Unlike now all those things have to be scheduled during his precious time home.

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#20 of 42 Old 05-20-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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DH ran a small business when our oldest was little. I had to learn to not count on him. Housework is what I hated the most so I hired a lady to come and clean. We have a small ranch it cost me $30 a visit. I also joined a babysitting co-op so I could go to appointments, have time for me etc. I still belong to a co-op. I am fortunate that I have older children now who help with the baby. DH is in the public sector now but he is still on call 24/7. His phone worked on an island in the caribean. I was ready to throw it in the ocean. I do make him turn it off twice a year. My birthday and our anniversary, but that was only after putting up with it for 15 years.
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#21 of 42 Old 05-21-2010, 04:31 PM
 
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I don't want to take over this thread, but if anyone wants to share their secret, how do you not get angry with your dh when they are never around. My dh is just finishing his first year on a new job. He spent the last 4 years in school(he worked too, so he was never around). Now, he is taking on more and more commitments too make extra money because we have been poor for so long. He will be around maybe 1 full day and one half day a week this summer. He works from 7am-10pm most days. I get angry a lot that I am alone all the time. I guess I should be grateful that dh is a hard worker and that he is motivated with work. But, I feel pissed constantly. He doesn't HAVE to work that much. He chooses to so we have more money. Any advice?
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#22 of 42 Old 05-21-2010, 08:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't want to take over this thread, but if anyone wants to share their secret, how do you not get angry with your dh when they are never around. My dh is just finishing his first year on a new job. He spent the last 4 years in school(he worked too, so he was never around). Now, he is taking on more and more commitments too make extra money because we have been poor for so long. He will be around maybe 1 full day and one half day a week this summer. He works from 7am-10pm most days. I get angry a lot that I am alone all the time. I guess I should be grateful that dh is a hard worker and that he is motivated with work. But, I feel pissed constantly. He doesn't HAVE to work that much. He chooses to so we have more money. Any advice?
Not in exactly the same situation, but I do get the fleeting feelings of anger (though it has gotten much better). Definitely talk with your DH about your feelings, and why you feel that way. Did you make the decision for him to work more together? Would you rather have less money and more family time? Is this a temporary situation that will improve your family's quality of life in the long-run? All good things to ask of yourself and him. Remembering that while you are having a hard time from long hours, he probably is, too. Though I would HIGHLY suggest not comparing each other's responsibilities or getting into a "who contributes more" argument. I tend to direct my anger towards my DH's clients whom I never interact with so I don't direct my frustration at the situation at him when he finally DOES get home. Other than talking to him directly, I find having someone to talk to who is in a similar situation helps as well. I have a friend who's husband also works and she has 4.5 kids (due in October ). Also, this thread and you could always send me a PM . Good luck, I know it's hard.
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#23 of 42 Old 05-22-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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I'm in the same boat. My DH runs a business and it's a very demanding job. He works on the road all week. As a result, he's totally wiped out when he's home. He also often works weekends.

I won't lie that I wasn't really angry for a long time about it. I just felt like this was not what I signed up for. I had no idea that I'd pretty much always be alone with the kids.

The only way our (well, my) situation improved was when our financial situation got better, I stopped being a martyr and hired a cleaning lady. I also put the 4 year old in an amazing full-time preschool that she loves and the 2 year old goes to a wonderful home daycare 3 days a week. And I have made the decision not to feel guilty about it. The kids like going to school and having kids to play with. I have the luxury of spending time at their schools with them which they love and I can keep them at home when they don't feel like going.

Sure, we could put that money into savings, but I would be crazy or dead from exhaustion by the time we needed to spend it--so moot point.

I also make sure I plan lots of activities with friends. I have dinner with other families several times a week, either here at home or at their houses or out at a restaurant/farmers market/concerts, etc... I'm lucky I live in a city with lots of things to do year round.

I have had to accept the situation as it is. It will not change, nor, at this point, do I really want it to. My DH is super ambitious and that's who he is. Still, I need to have my needs met. But-- they do not need to be met by him.

There was a time when financially, I just couldn't hire cleaning help or daycare, but now I can and I don't feel guilty one bit.
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#24 of 42 Old 05-22-2010, 09:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sanguine_speed View Post
Mama, I'm going to say this gently and I know I may be VERY wrong. I just know I've seen this elsewhere.

Is it possible that your dh has some control over his work schedule? Is it possible you don't know the whole story?
It is not sustainable to work 100 hours a week including 7 days a week many weeks while leaving your young family home alone.
Is it possible that your dh chooses to work more than he really needs to?

No need to answer here, just something to think honestly about.

I have known some families where when the kids were young and the marital relationship was strained, a spouse used work as an excuse to not be home. The spouse left behind spent a lot of time justifying her hubby's work schedule, but eventually it became known that the work schedule was a little more flexible than the working spouse had made it out to be. One of the problems is that the spouse at home didn't know anything otherwise because of course she believed her working spouse that he had to work all these extra hours, and he in fact probably had convinced himself of the same. We live in an IT-heavy community, and there is a continuum when it comes to work load. I realize with the economy and nature of IT work that it's easy to believe you have to work more than perhaps you really do because the work can be never-ending. But there is a subtle but important difference between having to work more and wanting to work more.

Like I said, this may totally not apply to you at all. It's just something I've seen happen a few times and something to think about.
Uh, gently, is it possible that you never worked in IT, just were the spouse of someone who did? Cos it sounds like you have no clue what it is like to be the one that really HAS to be there and do the stuff.
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#25 of 42 Old 05-22-2010, 09:52 PM
 
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4 kids under 10
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#26 of 42 Old 05-23-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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My dh is in the oil fields, and he has NO control over his schedule. He works anywhere from 40 hours one week to over 100 the next. There are times that he has gone out to work at 7am...and by 8pm he is calling to say he won't make it in he has to stay at the rig..this means one of two things can happen. He will #1 either be home the next day after all work is done or #2 get stuck at that one location until the problem is fixed. On the case of # 2 there are times it will be 2-3 days of being out on a location till he is able to make it home.. as for #1 at times he is only home long enough to shower and get right back into his truck to do the next days work before he can be home for the day. On the days he only has to check 1-2 locations and there are no problems he will leave between 6-7 and is home between 6-7....However these days only happen about 50% of the month...typically he is gone 7am to 7pm.

He gets ONLY 5 days off a month and they are taken in a row when they are scheduled by the office not by dh.

Now he is always on call...so he can be called out at anytime and at least 3-4 times a month he is called out at any hour of the night...from midnight to a 3am check to go 4 hours away.

I cannot plan anything in advance, we fly by the seat of our pants....if he all of a sudden one day is in by 4 we take full advantage of it and go out to dinner and try to take the boys somewhere unexpected....I put into effect in our house that EVERY Friday night is Fun Friday...this was after months of never having dh home with us and knowing the boys needed something good to look forward to in their weeks....no matter what we do something fun and different that night...if dad is home we get to go out....but they have learned that we can't count on dad to be home, but we are thanking God he has a job.....and that because of his hard work they get to have momma at home with them and ALWAYS with them no matter what. Last year his last company laid him off and we went without lots for 10 months...they had fun yes with their dad home, but knew that momma had to work then as well. They handle it amazingly well, me I have my moments,but know that the house is mine to take care of. Even the boys will feed the dogs and help with trash because in their words "Dad will have more time with us when he does come home if we do his jobs too!"

So yeah it's hard but it's doable. I'm ready to have bean just so dh can have 9 days off of work and get some down time with the family finally after some hard times at work the last 2months.

Proud Momma of 2 boys R(6) L(4) & finally a GIRL (5/29/10)
..Fused & Fabulous!
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#27 of 42 Old 07-12-2010, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Are you ladies still out there? We are on day 3 of DH continually working on a problem (all day + all night)... our weekend was ruined and I have had no break from parenting the kids for days and days. I hate this .
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#28 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 02:04 AM
 
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You ladies really have my admiration and respect. I couldn't do what a lot of you do. My hubby is currently gone sixty hours plus a week, and in the fall it will be worse. He's combining full time work and full time school. I'm a sahm to an eighteen month old daughter and we have a second one on the way. I spend a lot of time at home, and although I do have family and friends nearby I find myself spending a lot of time with just my little one. I'm terrified of what will happen when the new one gets here. He's going to be able to take off a couple weeks when the baby arrives (one week of family leave, unpaid, and one week of vacation which is paid). But if spring semester he doesn't do more computer classes or doesn't take less classes-whewwww. We have the weekend together, but he has to catch up on homework, not to mention sleep. It doesn't help matters that we are a one car family and live in a rural area.

I go to my sister or parents home when I'm really lonely or antsy. I take walks with the little one. I keep myself busy with housework and projects.
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#29 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 03:39 AM
 
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DH is in IT as well and it sucks. It's really nice to hear I'm not alone.

He works most days from 7am until 9pm, 10pm or even midnight. He started a new job a month or two ago and he thankfully doesn't work weekends anymore (well, I imagine there will be the occasional one).

At the moment we are seperated but working towards reconcilliation. He comes and stays the weekends with the boys and I. Last week he didn't arrive until Sat morning because he was working until midnight and then Sat morning had to go fix something before he could come round. He was meant to be coming round tonight as well but is now stuck fixing something. Hopefully he'll make it tomorrow. It kind of sucks even more that we are seperated because at least if he were living here he would be coming to bed at night and I'd get to see him for a little bit in the mornings.

I hate that he works so many hours but understand that's the way his job is. When I start feeling angry I try to remember that he is exhausted and stressed out and that it is probably harder on him than it is on me.

ETA: We do manage to chat on FB most nights after the kids have gone to bed and that helps a little bit.

It's complicated.
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#30 of 42 Old 07-13-2010, 04:14 AM
 
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I think IT jobs can be one of the most "family un-friendly" jobs out there. My exhusband used to work IT. His evil boss made him work on our 1st year wedding anniversary (which was on a Sunday! and I had a 4 month old baby) knowing we were already having marital troubles. She called me and asked me if I wanted a paid sitter for a few hours. Paid sitter?? To spend my 1st year wedding anniversary with a paid sitter for my 4 month old daughter?? Whatever.....the worst part is that his boss was a mother herself. He worked all the time and the urge to run over his crackberry with the jeep and throw it in a lake afterwards never left my mind. Seriously, even weekends, he was on call 24/7.....and his pay did not reflect all the time and effort he put in.

I am the type of person who enjoys family time and doing things together as a family.....and the thing is, when we were dating, he always had time for mini vacations, and to go backpacking, etc. It was when baby came along that he stopped wanting to be around. Not sure if he just didn`t like being a dad or that he felt he needed to try extra hard to keep his job (his boss fired people left and right and only kept the ones who kissed a$$). Either way, I think in my case it was like a previous poster mentioned....that sometimes husbands work more hours than they really need to just to be away from home.

If you can handle being a married spouse with a chronically missing husband, then I would do what others have suggested and hire help so you don`t get burned out. A 6 month old is a lot of work, and showering is a necessity, as is a little private time to keep sanity. Good luck!! I wish you the best!
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