Moms in 30+ range starting families? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 43 Old 07-05-2010, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#32 of 43 Old 07-07-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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It's funny, when we started having children I totally thought we were "older parents" and then I started meeting so many Moms who were older than me. DD#1 was born when I was 32 and DD#2 is due at the end of August and I will be 34. We don't plan on having any more but since neither of us wants to do anything medical to prevent more children who knows what is going to happen! I wanted the kids close together because there is such a big age difference between my siblings and I - however, even with 10-years difference my older sister and I are really great friends and talk on the phone all the time. Now that I am pregnant with #2 I wonder if I shouldn't have spaced them out a little more just because I am SO TIRED these days but I think it has less to do with age and more to do with chasing after a toddler.

No matter what though I am grateful that I didn't have children with the guy I was dating for 6 years while I was in my 20s!!! DH & I didn't get married until I was 28 and then we had a number of child-free years together and that was great too. Now we are both great parents (well, I like to think so) and things always seem to work out how they are supposed to.

Melanie, Mum to DD1 (April 2008), DD2 (August 2010) and excepting #3 Feb 2012.

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#33 of 43 Old 07-08-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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I clicked on this thread to see if I was in the "older" mom category...and I am.

Ugh.

Life goes by so quickly.

It seems like yesterday I was 22 and just getting out of college and getting married, thinking I had years to start a family.

Well, I guess I did back then. But years go by so quickly and then when you are ready, your spouse might not be ready, or there might be other things that happen out of your control.

I sort of always planned to graduate from college at 22, and I did, then I got married right away, and I felt that it would be pragmatic to establish a career. Initially, I felt that I would wait 5 years or so, establish a good career, settle into marriage, and then have a baby at 27, leaving plenty of time for a second baby if I wanted one, which was always in the back of my mind as a goal.

I really felt that by working at least 5 years and by saving money, I'd have a good resume to fall back on and some money in place to make things a little easier on my husband. I always felt it would be important to have the option to stay-at-home for a time because I felt very strongly about attachment parenting and especially breastfeeding and I knew that I was going to attempt to breastfeed for a minimum of two years and that it wouldn't work out so well with my career which required quite a bit of travel, meetings, and after hours presentations.

DH, I guess, never put much thought into any of it. He sort of faltered in his career for a while and he just doesn't want the stress of being a provider for our family. So, 27 came and went. Then 28. Then 29...

Now I'm sort of in the range where biologically it probably won't happen that we'll have two kids.

Our marriage has really suffered the last decade or so because having one baby with no support while being expected to maintain the same level of "career" has wiped me out.

In the stress, DH has said and acted in ways that make me never want a second baby with him anyway, but it is still an emotional blow to have started having children so late that two or more children isn't really an option.

It makes me a little sad for myself, but more so sad for my child who will not have a sibling. There are some benefits to that, but obviously I feel a sense of loss that we couldn't have done things differently and more in the line of what I had hoped for.

One child is a joy, and major work, and my career certainly has been set aside for a time as the priority in life. I maintain due to DH and economic circumstance, but it's not ever going to be as important as a child.

I'm really torn by that. I believe women can and do do anything they want in a career, and I've loved mine, and I'm a proud feminist, but it really is an inner sadness I feel that at this point in my life - mid-thirties - that I can't focus a little more on just mothering without derision from my husband and his parents by extension. It really bothers me that more value isn't placed on just raising a family at this point since I put in so many years being a breadwinner for the family. If not now, when? I think being a mother is never going to be valued as a solitary venture in my circle of family no matter what you do before or after.

As for being tired, I am exhausted most of the time and I feel like it is due to age. Also, my pregnancy wasn't the easiest and I attribute that to being older too.

I look back now and wish I would have had a baby earlier, but then again, maybe not. You never really know how things will turn out.

Do other "older" mothers who have just one child also think about losing that child? This is probably my greatest fear. I don't think losing a chid would ever be anything less than devastating, but I read a book once where the character had only one child, and the child passed away, and she regretted not having more children to ease the loneliness and pain. It would be so devasting to lose a child, but maybe more so if it were your only child. This really struck a chord with me. Do other mothers feel this?

Also, as an older mother to a younger child, I feel like the risks at my age of having a child with special needs make it a huge gamble - if I had a special needs child (as I already do) take more resources away from my existing child, resources that are already constrained, is that selfish? Is it a selfish venture to bring another child into our family?

I am no where near having a second child, but I do feel sadness and a sense of loss as the years go by and the possibility is less and less likely.
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#34 of 43 Old 07-08-2010, 03:57 PM
 
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Here's my experience:

Got married at age 30, thought I would get pregnant right away. After a year, I went to the doctor and found out that I had what they call "diminished ovarian reserve" or high fsh. I was 31 at that point, and am the product of a long line of women who haven't had any fertility issues, so I was shocked. I was very innocent about fertility and how much it varies among women. Here on this board it is so lovely to see all of the stories of women who have had many babies well into their 40s, but I can't help but think of all of the women I know who have struggled in their 30s. Fertility can be a problem even in women who have easily gotten pregnant the first time around.

I hope it's not inappropriate to bring this up. I always struggle with whether I should tell my story because I don't want to be the voice of doom or anything. But I also want to arm women with the information that fertility definitely drops at age 35 and sometimes even earlier.

I have a happy ending, I somehow defied the 5% odds the reproductive endocrinologist gave me and got pregnant without drugs at 33 and now have a fantastic 3.5 year old boy. I hope you'll forgive this posting if it is too negative.
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#35 of 43 Old 07-08-2010, 05:15 PM
 
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In my circle it seems having your first child at 35 is the norm. I had my kids at 32 and was the first among my friends and peers to have children. So I don't think of myself as an older mom at all, I am younger by some years than many moms I meet around here. And honestly I think the other women around me have their first at around age 35 just because of all the publicity that their fertility might be seriously declining after that. If they could, I bet a lot of people here would actually put it off even longer so they can get farther in their careers, have more time in a new marriage, etc.

Poppan ~ twins born April 2007
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#36 of 43 Old 07-08-2010, 07:13 PM
 
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My kids are spaced pretty far apart. I was 27 with DD#1, 31 with DD#2, 36 with DD#3 and I'll be 40 when this last one is born. I'm not sure if I can tell energy wise with my age. With my first two I worked full time out of the house and now I SAHM full time. (quit/retired after #3 was born after 14 years with the same company) I think the stay at home aspect is what is making me tired now, not my age ;-) Although I am finding this pregnancy is pretty hard...not sure if it's the age or having 3 kiddos at home?!? Who knows.

~~Angie~~
mom to Alona 12, Olivia 8, Ivy 3 , angel3.gif1/19/09 & Natalia Quinn 1.10.11
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#37 of 43 Old 07-09-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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I don't feel like an "older" mom...well, until I meet other moms at my DD's school who are in their early 20s with 5 and 6 year olds...

We also waited until we we were in our 30s to start a family. I met my DH when I was 24. He was 27. We both knew that we didn't want kids right away, and that was fine with us...we travelled a lot. I did my university degrees. I worked different consulting jobs...that kind of thing. We married when I was 29.

I was diagnosed with endo when I was 32. Knowing it could affect my fertility, we decided to start trying after my lap. We had our first baby (but she was stillborn on her due date) when I was 33. My second daughter was born when I was 34. And I had my son at 38.

Even though my pregnancies are high risk (Rh antibodies), I would have loved one more...but after my son, DH repeatedly said two living kids is enough and that he personally felt "too old" (he's 43 now) to have any more. I think it's more about his energy levels and his unwillingness to have me go through another high risk pregnancy--it's stressful all around. So, I guess we're done.

I don't really notice the age thing...like I said, unless it's when I meet much, much younger mothers and they say, "Wow, you had a baby at 38!" like I'm some kind of medical miracle (*snort*). My energy is somewhat lower after my son came along, but I attribute that more to having to chase after two of them now...and sure, I guess getting older plays a role. As others have mentioned, it's a good incentive to stay as healthy as possible.

I know that for me, personally, I think the 30s were the best time for me to have my kids. Those extra years of life, learning, experiencing, asking questions...it just provided me with a wider base of knowledge and influenced my perspective so much. With me, the parenting decisions and philosophy I have now is not one I would have had in my early 20s...even what we eat and how we live has changed radically from that time. So, my kids are benefitting from that too.

Mother to DD#1  s/b @40w 2003 for unknown reasons; DD#2   9.5 years old; DS  6 years old 
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#38 of 43 Old 07-10-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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I was 30 when DS was born, and will be almost 34 when our second child comes this fall.

I am glad that I waited to have children in my 30's. I finished my education, had a rewarding career, did some world traveling, and generally had a fabulous time in my 20's. Having done all of that I felt satisfied to quit my job and focus all of my attention on raising my families. I'm totally content to stay in on weekends and love that holidays are more about family than they used to be.
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#39 of 43 Old 07-10-2010, 04:04 PM
 
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I was in my mid 30s when #1 was born, and over 40 when #2 was born. There are 7 years between them. I didn't have any fertility problems, I just wasn't sure I wanted a second, and we'd decided that if we wanted another we wouldn't have less than 5 years between them. I'm happy we've done things how we have.

I don't have a problem with energy level. I'm glad we waited to start having kids because we were in a very good financial place for me to stay home and for us to be comfortable.

In both cases I got back to a good weight quickly. Though I'm not as thin as I was in my 20s, and that wasn't an expectation for me.
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#40 of 43 Old 07-13-2010, 04:58 AM
 
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I"m an "older" mom I guess...nearly 37 with a 13 mo old. I didn't start out "old" though LOL. She's my youngest. I had #1 at 27, #2 at 29 and then #3 at 35. I am the oldest mom I know LOL. Most moms I run into at my kids' school are in their upper 20's with 7 and 8 yr olds. DH is active duty so we live on base and military tend to have children young I think.

I have to say, the energy factor is HUGE for me...I was a much more energetic mom when I was younger. I feel so drained nearly all the time, and a lot less playful. I am more patient this time around. Baby#3 does not sleep good, and still wakes 4 or more times each night. I'm so tired, there are days I can barely function! Reading how most of you have so much energy makes me feel like something is wrong with me! I think keeping up with a home, homemaking, activities,etc of the other 2 also wears me out, though they are also old enough that they can sort of "fend for themselves" and help out with the baby at times.

One good thing was I have more time with #3, since the other 2 are at school in the day. I also rebounded back to prepregnancy weight very easily too. I am thinking I need to add an exercise routine into my day, maybe that will help with energy. Now to just find time LOL...

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#41 of 43 Old 07-13-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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I had DS at 31. DH and I met at 18, started dating at 20, and got married at 25. I guess we like to take our time.

I'm honestly at peace with having DS when we did. Neither of us wanted a big family, we'd both be happy with two kids (though DS is 8 months and I'm in no hurry to have another right away). Like a PP said, I feel like I'm a much better mom now than I would have been in my 20s. DH and I both really value the time we got to spend together as a young couple without kids. We traveled around the country, lived abroad, got graduate degrees, and generally just had a heck of a time. I believe those experiences strengthened us as a couple and they help us navigate the realities of life with a baby. Plus, we had time to establish ourselves financially and settle in a city with a reasonable cost of living, allowing me to be a SAHM with little sacrifice.

Health-wise, I have been very fortunate. I got pregnant as soon as I went off BC and my pregnancy was a breeze. I've lost all of my pregnancy weight at this point (I didn't keep track exactly, but I gained at least 40 lbs). I definitely have more aches and pains than I remember having a few years ago, but it's nothing terrible.
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#42 of 43 Old 07-13-2010, 02:37 PM
 
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I am not "starting" my family in my 30s, but starting over in my 30s. I had my first dd when I was 18. I was a single mom for many years, and met DH when dd1 was 4, we got married when she was 6. We started ttc right away, but ended up needing 6 years and an IVF. My oldest just turned 13 when dd2 was born. And I am now pg again, without fertility treatments, at age 32, and dd1 will be 15 in December.

Having had one so young and doing it again more than a decade later, I have to say that I think physically speaking pregnancy and newborn phase is easier when you are younger. I absolutely had more energy, both through the pregnancy and the baby years. I totally felt that it was so much more draining being older this time around.

On the flip side, I feel like I am parenting more "on purpose" this time around. I have some clearer ideas of how I want to parent and what I want teach and do with my kids. And part of that is having that first time around and seeing how my teen is growing and maturing, but part is also having that decade to think on it.
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#43 of 43 Old 07-22-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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I had my son three weeks after I turned 46.He was conceived naturally , however we had gone through 4 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments.We had waited till I was 40to try to start to have a family and had two miscarriages before starting treatment.The doctors will constantly stress the drop off in fertility after 35. Also there is the increased risk for birth defects.Looking back, I would have done this so much sooner and not let some things be roadblocks.I would not assume you can control the spacing of your children ,because things do not always go as planned.If you really want more children ,I would be more focused on that rather than the difference in their ages.I had overwhelming regret when I did not become pregnant during fertility treatments and was told that there was no more hope. My son's conception and birth saved me from that ,but I was a rare exception.I met many women in the waiting room, much younger than I ,with unfufilled baby dreams.
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