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#31 of 41 Old 06-03-2010, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
he takes no responsibility for actual parenting,
I think you contradict yourself here

ex: last night i went out to dinner with friends for the first time since dd was born. He took her out for a burrito and ice cream.
And here

(which happens every morning, he gets up with her takes her potty, while i make breakfast and deal with our 3 dogs)
I don't know, taking her out for ice cream while mom gets time with her friends and getting up with her and getting her to the potty every morning don't sound like he doesn't take responsibility for parenting.

Those are the things about your post that really stuck out at me and make me think that you might want to try to take a more objective look at what he actually does around the house. Maybe try writing out a list of every single chore that you can possibly think of and honestly think to yourself who does it for the most part. Going by these things that stick out at me, I wonder if you might find that your DH does more than you think.

For my house, I am technically not a SAHM anymore. I work part time at a regular job and I am also a self employed photographer. But, my DH works full time and he is in school almost full time, so the time divisions might be the same. And since I work evenings I am the one home with DD all day. Also of note, I have a teen daughter, who has her own chores.

My DH handles all the car work, but what he can't or doesn't have time, my dad is a mechanic so he handles the rest. DH also does ALL the yard work, I simply refuse to touch a mower. At the same time, I do handle the front flower bed, because it's not a flower bed, but my strawberry patch. DH also handles all communication regarding school and financial aid, even though I handle the bills. He cares for the dogs...they are "his" dogs and the cats are "mine" and the girls. He's also the one who cleans the toilets. He also does all his laundry. But really, he also picks up any slack I cannot...if I have to be at work or there's some other schedule conflict, he will "cook" (sort of, this is a bone of contention for us), he puts the baby to bed, for a nap, runs the older dd anywhere etc etc.

My older dd does the dishes and counters, she babysits when DH and I cannot work our working schedules right, she does her own laundry and she does the cat boxes and feeds them. She also takes out the trash, though usually, her and DH often share this, and do it together.

The rest is pretty much mine. I do the bills/finances, I run the girls where they need to go, I run basically all the errands, I do the grocery shopping (and invest a lot of time in couponing for savings, which makes the grocery shopping I do much more involved than he would) I do basically all the cooking (again this is a bone of contention, I work 3 to 5 evenings a week, and am gone specifically over dinner time, yet I have to still come up with a dinner to be ready for them at dinner time most of those evenings, otherwise the stuff DH cooks is CRAP. Anyway...) And, because I am home more hours, it naturally defaults to me that I do most of the basic parenting of the little one regarding diaper changes, getting her for a nap, etc. Also, for the most part, I end up doing the basic picking up, vacuuming, etc.

When DH is home, he does share equally in changing Rae's diaper, getting her dressed, baths etc etc. He is just not home much.
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#32 of 41 Old 06-03-2010, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by BreakfastyMichele View Post
I think the reality here is that lots of working parents don't grasp what staying home entails. Partners who come home at night and just want a break don't understand that SAHMs often go without ANY breaks during the day. (When she doesn't nap, I can't check email, clean up the kitchen or do much else around the house. I *know* parents who work use little 5-10-15 minute chunks to fool around on the Internet or otherwise turn off their brains.)

DH works longer hours and often needs to work at home in the evenings too but he does quite a bit more than the OP's. What he doesn't do is his own laundry I'm here, I do it. Apart from all the parenting stuff (which is 50/50 when he's home) he bakes our sourdough bread, looks after our kefir etc cultures, maintains our permaculture garden and cares for our chickens.

grateful Mama to DD May '06 and DS May '09
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#33 of 41 Old 06-03-2010, 12:50 PM
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4 kids under 10
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#34 of 41 Old 06-03-2010, 05:48 PM
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I'm the WOHP. I put the laundry away after DH washes it, do some pick up, sometimes clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen etc. We have an 11 year old with chores so that lightens the load for DH. Of course when I'm home I cook for myself and the kids if they want and nurse/tend to the baby. DH usually takes care of diapers.

I work mostly overnights and am awake all day at home so it's almost like we are both SAHP since I pretty much leave at night and sleep at work then come home in the morning when everyone else is up.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids 17, 11, 6, 3
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#35 of 41 Old 06-04-2010, 06:40 PM
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i'm quite surprised as the responses suggesting that the OP is in the 'wrong'.
there seems to be the feeling that because her husband is 'typical' things are somehow okay and her wanting a bit more from him is somehow being unreasonable. hmmm.

i do agree though that there appears to be a much deeper issue than household chores. so my advice would be to focus on that and work on that.

i'm a sahm but my son goes to school till 3pm or 4pm every day (his choice). I'm pregnant at the moment, but in all honesty I just chill at home mostly. So I'm responsible for the cleaning and the dishes and the laundry and running the little errands that need running. My husband is responsible for cooking (i suck at it, so this is a neccesity on his part haha!) and taking the garbage out. We take turns with who will bath our son and read him a bedtime story - because each parent needs a break during the week. On weekends, mornings are for our son and dh. I sleep in.

I'm not sure how all this will change once the baby arrives in September. It's going to be interesting.

Anyway, we've always based the division of labour (household) on equality, which does'nt mean we each do the same things, but no one is over burdened. And I think that applies regardless of WHERE each parent is working.

Mama to Luka - 22 February 2005, Tiisetso - 18 September 2010 & 3 angel bubbles
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#36 of 41 Old 06-05-2010, 12:43 AM
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In our house, we split the duties. We have no set 'chores' for each person. I stay at home, and dh works full time. We each do the things we enjoy doing most, and try to split things up equally. I think that if you have a problem with how much, or how little your dh is doing then you should try to talk with him about it, and sort out something that works better for both of you.
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#37 of 41 Old 06-05-2010, 10:35 AM
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DH works 40 hrs a week outside of the home but is also an equal partner in the running of our home.
Some of the things he does at home:
-takes out trash & recycling
-cleans litter box
-cleans bathroom (every other time)
-vaccums floors
-cooks dinner a couple times a week
-washes dishes
-fixes stuff around the house
-mows lawn
-changes diapers / pottys DD
-folds some laundry
-walks dog (1st & last walk of the day)
-plays w/ DD
-dresses DD
-brushes DD's teeth
-weekend breakfasts
-does small grocery shopping (w/ my list)
I'm sure there's more I just can't think of

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#38 of 41 Old 06-05-2010, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
he thinks he is being superman if he plays with dd and i mean play as in friends because he takes no responsibility for actual parenting, making her do anything she doesnt want to etc.
I think that playing with a child is an important part of parenting, but you are saying that it doesn't count. As far as not making her do anything she doesn't want to, from the tone of your post, I'd bet that in the past, you've told him that he isn't parenting *right* so he is now just doing safe thing, like playing.

ex: last night i went out to dinner with friends for the first time since dd was born. He took her out for a burrito and ice cream. They left at 630 (her bedtime is 7) didnt come home until right before i did at 9:00!
this is a perfect example. Your husband took full responsibility for your DD so you could have the night off, but he didn't do it right, so you are mad and say that he doesn't do anything.

But i want to have a productive discussion where I say "i need you to take over responsibility for .....
but will you let him do it *his* way, or is what you really want for him to do everything exactly the way you want it done, exactly when you want it done.

My DH works long hours and travels, and is currently living away from us for 2 months. His currently house hold responsibilities are limited to things that can be done over the phone or the internet.

His role in our family in an emotional support, love, caring, talking over parenting decisions, soul mate, encouraging in the kids, partner, etc. (He also makes all the money that supports the kids and I)

But he hasn't washed my car in a really long time!

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#39 of 41 Old 06-06-2010, 01:06 PM
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my dh is in the Air Force, he works long hours, and is on call 24/7 and frequently gets called in the middle of the night due to the nature of his job. He still does a lot around the house and helps me with ds. He takes care of all the outside work- lawn, garden, hedges, animals, helps with laundry, baths for ds, diaper changes, discipline, playtime, takes ds on errands with him on the weekends, or keeps him at home so I can do things by myself, takes over with ds while I fix our dinner in the evening, takes care of the vehicles, deals with the trash and recycle, and other stuff I am sure.

I agree with some of the PP's, that it sounds like there is a lack of appreciate going on, maybe on both sides. I struggle with this sometimes too, feeling unappreciated, or that my dh does nothing to help. But he really DOES. Dh has been gone over a month (for work) and it has really helped us both realize how much we need each other.

I also have had to accept the fact that he has his own way of being a parent, and just because it's not MY way, doesn't make it wrong. In fact I feel like it'd really important for ds to have that balance in his life.

Claire, mommy to Robbie (8/23/08) and Brena (4-22-11) and wifey to Joe
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#40 of 41 Old 06-08-2010, 04:09 AM
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Shortly after my son was born my mother told me

"it's so hard being a mom, you are always the bad guy"

sorry hon
I consider anything my husband does around the house a gift. You are not going to win in this relationship if you keep score. kwim

Like another poster said you both seem like youre feeling under appreciated

sometimes when you are working on a piece of art up close a long time you need to look at it from across the room to get the whole picture sorry if that makes no sense but i have those moments too where i have to tell myself he really is trying his best
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#41 of 41 Old 06-08-2010, 11:59 AM
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My DH shoulders whatever needs to be done. Recently it has been more than usual due morning sickness and now a miscarriage. Sometimes, I have to ask for help because he just does not see things the same way as I do. I would never make him a list or anything like that, as he is a grown man and I am not his mother.

He reminds me, "We arrange things so that you can stay home to raise our son. You have not put your career on hold to be the housekeeper."

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