"you" time - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How is personal time prioritized and respected b/n you (sahp) and dp (wohp)?
Neither me nor dp has any "me" time 14 9.03%
We each have "me" time scheduled into the week 20 12.90%
DP gets "me" time frequently, I don't 25 16.13%
I get "me" time frequently, DP doesn't 6 3.87%
When either of us needs it we just ask for it and it happens 79 50.97%
Other (please explain) 11 7.10%
Voters: 155. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 05-31-2010, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
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I noticed a thread the other day that asked if you feel like you're slacking when dp/dh is with the kids.... and it made me think of how so many of my sahmama friends (and i) feel like there is no room in the day or week for personal time... you feel so guilty asking for an hour to go to a yoga class or 30 minutes to take a bath, even though dp/dh may get lots of that sorta time by default since they aren't the sahp.

I hear lots of more experienced mamas saying "it's so important to take time for yourself," but it seems impossible. And it seems like it should be important for BOTH parents to have time for themselves....
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Old 05-31-2010, 03:13 PM
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I have 1 night a week w/friends, 4 hours for roller derby each week, and all the bath time I want. DH gets time too, but not as much.
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:23 PM
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Usually whenever we need it we just ask for it. DH plays an online game and will have "ops" he wants to do that take a couple hours, we just make sure it's not at a really bad time. And (when I'm not heavily pregnant) I take a karate class two nights a week that is also part of my "me" time. When I start back again post-baby I'll start taking my 5 year old DS to the class with me, but that'll still be recharging time for me.

Occasionally I'll take off to Barnes and Noble for a few hours also, that's one of my favorite getaways. DH is into photography and will go off and shoot photos for a day.

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Old 05-31-2010, 06:02 PM
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My husband gets about 30 minutes of alone time almost every night. Mine isn't always daily, but I get to go out and be with friends more than he does. I don't think he minds, after being at work all week (which consists of all of his friends anyway) he wants to be home, and after I'm in the house all week I want to get out. Works out rather nicely. Neither one of us really has issue with the other going out, in fact, we'll offer it to each other.
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:22 PM
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I want "me" time very badly but I cannot shake the guilt of a close-to-2 year old toddler at home who I could be making happy instead. What age did/do/would you feel less guilty going out for a bit?
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by coffee.caugh View Post
I want "me" time very badly but I cannot shake the guilt of a close-to-2 year old toddler at home who I could be making happy instead. What age did/do/would you feel less guilty going out for a bit?
If dh is the one watching the kids and I know I'm not going to need to nurse someone right away, I don't feel guilty leaving for an hour or so. When the littlest can eat solids, that time increases a little--maybe three hours. UNder normal circumstances I don't think you should feel guilty about leaving a two year old for an afternoon once in a while with someone they know and love.

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Old 05-31-2010, 06:52 PM
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I voted "other". If bath time is "me time", then yeah I guess, although I frequently have toddlers wandering in to check on me. DH games with his friends once a week, otherwise he does online gaming, mostly at night when the kids and I are asleep. He is not the type to go out after work with the guys or anything like that. I am sure he would be glad to give me more time by myself if I asked but I feel to busy and don't know what I'd do anyway.
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:04 PM
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I chose the "When either of us needs it..." option because it's closest to what we have. SO has a regular game night with some guys on Saturdays and I don't have any scheduled time, but I get time whenever I want, or close to it.

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 05-31-2010, 07:16 PM
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Dh gets lots of me time as he like to work on cars and we don't have the space so he borrows his friends shop, he does this a couple times most weeks. I am usually ok with this as I enjoy some time alone.

I have my me time in the evening after kids are in bed. I don't like leaving them (am nursing still) and so this is great for now, as they get older and more independent I will probably like to get out just me more though.

~Katie~ married to J, mom to DD- A 13 yrs ,DS- L 7yrs , and my little nursling DD2- R 5yrs.


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Old 05-31-2010, 07:21 PM
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We both get the time when we ask for it. I probably get more than he does because I like to go out and do stuff with friends and he doesn't (well, he doesn't have many friends here yet).

Mama to three

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Old 05-31-2010, 07:40 PM
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Once DD was old enough, DH encouraged me to get a mothers helper. Over the year I've been working on my writing, and having a few hours a few afternoons a week to myself while DD goes and plays with her "best friends" in the yard, or goes to the park. It's especially great now because at 9 months pregnant & ready to burst, chasing her isn't an option

DH gets free time throughout the day because he works from home, and he stays up late + sleeps in an hour or two extra every morning. Also on the weekends we have one family day where we do something special, and one day where we all relax and he normally takes a bit of time to do whatever he wants

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Old 05-31-2010, 08:26 PM
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Our "me" time doesn't look very traditional, but it works for us.

I have a quiet time during the middle of the day in which most folks nap, and if you don't nap, you have to read for an hour or two. That's much needed down time for me.

On the weekends, I frequently will go to the grocery store/errands by myself, which I enjoy. Or run for a haircut or coffee or whatever.

I probably go to dinner with friends every 2-3 months or so. I do a lot of playdates during the week that aren't me time (we're watching our own children), but they are a needed bit of adult conversation during the day. Since Christmas, I've taken 7 cooking classes that take me away from home for the evening (and are so much fun!) I've really enjoyed that freedom without a tiny nursling.

Dh has an hour commute each way, plus an hour lunch. He doesn't ask for much more than that, though I encourage him to leave and go to the garden center alone, etc. He's just not that interested. I wouldn't mind him doing a night out with friends, but it's not really his style.
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:35 PM
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i said "other" b/c we don't schedule it, and it doeesn't always happen when someone wants it, but it does happen. probably more for him than for me, since he is friends with all his co-workers and they go out for breakfast a couple times a week after work (3rd shift). they also go out in the afternoons some times, plus he drives to the city once a month with a friend and they pay rent (we do everything in cash) and usually go somewhere, while i stay with the kids.

most of my "me" time is after the kids are in bed, but i don't really go out, i just hang around the house, or sometimes, at a neighbours'.

i do get to sleep in some days, depending on how tired dh is, so i guess that's "me" time, and i take a bath in the morning 2 or 3 times a week, for about 20 min. i lock the door and anyone who comes pounding on the door is told to go ask daddy, mommy's off the clock

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Old 06-01-2010, 06:51 PM
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DH's free time he is usually working on the yard or the cars so I can't complain about that, but it is frustrating to see him coming and going as he pleases. Occasionally on a Sunday afternoon, after DH has been home all weekend doing whatever he wants, I get the urge to get out alone for a couple hours. It can be grocery shopping or running errands or whatever. I get home and feel completely refreshed. It's not scheduled and I just give him a heads up that I'll be going out. I go running some evenings too.

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Old 06-01-2010, 06:55 PM
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Dh works and when he comes home and hits the couch until he goes to bed that is his "me" time. My "me" time comes when I take a bath after they are in bed. Now that both are in school (on summer break now) I get that time during the day. Before they where in school the "me" time was my bath.

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Old 06-02-2010, 03:14 PM
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Whenever we need or want "me" time, we both run it by the other. We generally try to give at least a day's notice if we're going to be going out. Though we've both gotten calls for something to do that day, and it's fine. We both pull our weight around the house and with DD, and "his" time and "my" time pretty much equal out. His or my time can be in the house, or outside the house. Usually it's outside the house. He'll go play poker with some buddies, or go play paintball for a day. I'll go out with some girlfriends for girls night or just go out grocery shopping by myself! (And perhaps go get some sushi since he doesn't like it while I could eat it by the truckload. )

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Old 06-04-2010, 11:50 PM
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I am a sahm and DH works both from the home and out of an office. We NEEDED to have some boundaries set up for "me" time because we were driving each other crazy!!! He goes to the gym every morning before the kids get up. From 7am-9am I get time to do whatever I need to do (work out, shower, sew, etc...) and then from 9am to 5pm its all me and the kids. He can work from his office at home or remotely - whatever he needs to do. At 5pm I make dinner and he keeps an eye on the kids and then we all eat together around 5:45-6pm.

I don't go out much in the evenings, but when I want to see some girlfriends or something its no big deal. DH is happy to do the bedtime thing on his own. We have to have a schedule in place during the week or else we end up cranky and irritated!

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Old 06-08-2010, 09:54 PM
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I picked 'other' because DH plays hockey on average once/week, but I don't usually schedule anything every week. It's more like every 2-3 weeks.

DH also goes out for social dinners with work people, or plays golf with coworkers, plus occasionally goes out with friends (most of his friends live in Toronto, and most of my friends live in Vancouver, where we are).

Unlike him, I'm involved in a couple of non profits and go to meetings 1-2 times a month. Not sure this counts as 'me time', but he has to be home to watch the kids.

He does encourage me to go out more with my girlfriends, though, and I am making more of an effort to make plans now that the kids are older and are totally find with DH putting them to bed.

Apart from hockey and my meetings, we both check with the other before making plans if possible, just to ensure the other person will be home. If it so happens we both need to be somewhere, then my parents usually help out.

It kind of frustrates me when DH complains that I've been out all day on a Saturday when it involves taking DD to ballet class, and then getting groceries in the afternoon. . . .

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Old 06-11-2010, 12:38 PM
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I put other. We both get "me" time and we get "us" time. It's not scheduled but we get it every day. My me time is usually after us time when the kids are in bed. I love to read, and I do that after I put the kids down. DH gets me time when the kids are preoccupied as well as myself. I get some me time during the day, like now, because I have a career at home and some of it has to be done on the computer, and I'm waiting for it to load.
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Old 06-11-2010, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by coffee.caugh View Post
I want "me" time very badly but I cannot shake the guilt of a close-to-2 year old toddler at home who I could be making happy instead. What age did/do/would you feel less guilty going out for a bit?
I don't feel guilty when I leave my kids home with my DH. It doesn't happen all the often, but when it does I have a nice time and enjoy myself. He's their parent too and can handle taking care of them when I'm gone.

Abra, Married to George, Mother to DS 12/03 & DD1 08/09 & DD2 12/11 + Someone New in May 2015! After years of planning, we are finally living our dream in South America!!
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Old 06-11-2010, 01:01 PM
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Our situation is unique because dh doesn't live with us. He gets whatever "me" time he needs just by staying at his place when he's not at work.
My "me" time is whatever mornings I go to the gym to exercise & put the Littles in child care there. I also have down time one morning a week when I go to a mom's group & they provide childcare.

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Old 06-14-2010, 11:07 AM
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I havent had a a chance to read the other posts but No free time for me! Heck I am having a hard time gettting this psot up, the reason for possible mispelled words

Dh gets it in the morning before we wake at night when we do bedtime, and in between lunch at work driving to work driving home from work etc. I try to get up ealier but it is hard because my youngets still wakes several time a night and no DH does not get up with her...
So NO I get no me time and he just cant seem to get it.( as to why it bothers me)
I am a SAHM and a homeschooling mom... So the kiddos are home with me all day...

I shower with kids at the door, use the bathroom with kids at the door, eat sleep clean etc with kids at my side.... Which I am sure all mamas do but he blames me and says it is my fault for not taking me time, maybe it is,,, I cant seem to find the time... He works and when he is not at the office he is working from his laptop! The kids want to be with me all the time,,, I'm flattered but would love to shave my legs and shower in peace a few times a week..... KWIM? any advice I would love to hear it!
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:35 AM
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We both try and exercise daily, so that's about an hour to each of us every day. Outside of that, we just let the other person know if we need some downtime and then take it. I find that with older kids (mine are 4 and 8) it's much easier to get downtime and I don't find I need it as urgently as I did when they were younger.

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Old 06-14-2010, 03:10 PM
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We each have a scheduled night off, although DH's is much longer than mine because he doesn't have to be home for bedtime (baby still needs my boobs for bed ).

But we also can each ask for as much other time off as we need and it happens.
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:31 PM
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when we need it, we ask for it. MOST of the time it happens.
And usually, by the time we ask for it, we reeeaaally NEED it
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Old 06-14-2010, 11:45 PM
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When my kids were really little, I got into a bad habit of waiting until I was at my breaking point before asking for a break. DH knew I was stressed, but he didn't know the answer was for me to leave.the.house. When my kids were about 2 and 3, we scheduled DH on bedtime duty on Friday and Sunday nights. So, after dinner on those nights I could do what I wanted. Alot of times, I just wanted some peace and quiet, but I found it extremely helpful to actually leave the house on one of those nights. After dinner, I say goodnight to the kids and usually head off to barnes and noble. I pick out a few books, get a drink, sit in a cushy chair and sit until they ask me to leave I needed to schedule it to make sure it could happen. DH was happy to oblige once he knew what I needed.

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Old 06-16-2010, 12:48 PM
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I chose DH gets I don't only because when I want to do something its a hassle and I have to ask my mother in law to come watch the kids but I feel guilty leaving them because they both CRY when I leave. DD is almost 6 and ds is a little over 2. I thought it would get easier to leave them but its getting harder... DH does what he wants when he wants works all day and stops by friends on way home and comes and goes as he pleases. It works for us I just get overwhelmed at times...

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Old 06-17-2010, 01:35 PM
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DH and I each have one evening per week to spend however we choose (mine is tonight -- I think I'll get a crossword puzzle book and a frilly coffee drink and chill out in a cafe for a while ), and if we have something scheduled beyond that we work it out between us, but it's usually fine. Little things like baths are a given -- we could each do something like that every night without getting any grief from the other.

Lots of times we choose to just hang out together as a family on our "free" nights, but it's nice to know that we can plan to go see a movie or have dinner with a friend or something if we want -- it's nice to be able to tell my friends, "I'm free any Thursday if you want to get together!" DH usually uses his free evening to go for a long run outside, since on other nights most of his running is on the boring treadmill, but sometimes he'll go hit golf balls or get together with a friend or something.

We also schedule couple time and one-on-one time between each parent and kid into our week -- that stuff is important, as is time to oneself, so it's a priority in our family.

I don't understand the concept of feeling guilty when kids are with their other parent. I think taking the time to nurture my relationships with my husband, each kid, and myself is an attribute and something to be proud of, not something to feel guilty about.

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Old 06-22-2010, 11:41 PM
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"When either of us needs it we just ask for it and it happens"

We are also enjoying our last few months of having an easy only child (her brother is due in September), who goes to bed at 7 pm. So we usually set aside our "me" time and our "us" time for after 7. Every once in a while, he'll get home after having an awful, rough day, and need 30 minutes just to sit by himself and have no one talk to him. And every once in a while, as soon as he walks in the door I'm like "I need a shower, I need a snack, I need some time to get my sanity back." We try to cut each other a break, but if at all possible we try to save personal time for after the baby is in bed.

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