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#1 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have 2 kids -- 3yo DS and 1yo DD. We moved to a new town almost 2 yrs ago, and I still know no one here (I just recently got a car so I can actually go places with the kids during the day). I am trying so hard to get out there and make friends -- it's just not working. The only friend I had here just moved in with her parents in another state because she is separating from her baby's father. I feel so isolated and alone. My family and friends are 2 hours away (and they all work anyway), I have NO ONE other than DH (who is gone all day, then works his "second job" downstairs trying to get his business off the ground). I am so, so miserable.

I am at the point now where I don't even WANT to go anywhere. I am too depressed. I never felt this miserable in my life. It's the same thing every day: wake up feeling like a zombie, make breakfast, change diapers, make lunch, break up fights, try to get the kids to nap, make dinner, laundry, play w/kids, oh yeah, and try to make DH happy too (pisses me off how he immediately jumps on me after the kids go to bed, like "oh she's free! Time to get my needs fulfilled!" Ugh.)

DH and I are BOTH miserable. We talk often how we regret having a 2nd child (of course, I love DD and never want to be without her, but that aside, we realize we went in over our heads). She is SUCH a difficult child, who drains the life out of me.

I am jealous of those who live near family/friends, or seem to have some sort of life. I am so alone I can't stand it. I have to plan WEEKS in advance to set up a date night with DH, because any possible babysitter lives at least an hour away. We have a date night set up for Father's day weekend, which we are both looking forward to.

I just don't feel any joy about being a mom anymore. I hate it now. Being at home with them feels like a prison sentence. I have no energy for this anymore, and right now I don't like being around them much. I never used to feel this way with just DS... sometimes I think I was meant to be a mother of one. I feel like a horrible mom now. I snap at the kids all the time, and then of course, I feel guilty, which makes me feel like #$%# even more. I just can't hack it as a mom of two. I don't know how people do it with 3 or more kids.

I think I am very depressed. Honestly, I am too embarrassed to go to therapy or get meds (I prefer not to take meds, actually). Part of me thinks I am just depressed because of the situation I'm in (lack of community/support/friends), and I feel meds won't do much there.

I need unbiased advice. What the heck is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
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#2 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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Hugs to you

~francie~
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#3 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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Oh, Mama, I could have written your post.

It does sound like you're depressed. From personal experience I can tell you that even though it is embarrassing to lay it all out on the line, once it's out there it feels so much less burdensome. You need to talk it through and figure out what's going on. I don't know if you need medication, or therapy. I did. As far as it not helping because of your situation, there are many types of treatment to try. I had great success with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - it's not the traditional talk therapy. It's what I like to call "do therapy".

Hugs to you, Mama. The other side is just ahead.

Jen
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#4 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 07:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
I have 2 kids -- 3yo DS and 1yo DD. We moved to a new town almost 2 yrs ago, and I still know no one here (I just recently got a car so I can actually go places with the kids during the day).


It's great that you have a car now! What kind of things would you like to do now that you have a car? I've BTDT with moves and they are horrid. What would you enjoy? Have you found a play group? A gym with child care? A mom's day out program? A night class at community college?

You need to do something different than what you are doing, and part of things getting better is being honest with yourself and your DH that this isn't working, so money spent on something like a gym would be money well spent (exercise is one of the best things for depression).

Quote:
I am at the point now where I don't even WANT to go anywhere. I am too depressed. ...
I just don't feel any joy about being a mom anymore. I hate it now. Being at home with them feels like a prison sentence. I have no energy for this anymore, and right now I don't like being around them much....

I think I am very depressed. Honestly, I am too embarrassed to go to therapy or get meds (I prefer not to take meds, actually). Part of me thinks I am just depressed because of the situation I'm in (lack of community/support/friends), and I feel meds won't do much there.
You have red flags for clinical depression all over the place. It's time to get serious about getting better, and therapy can be part of that. Meds can get you unstuck enough to make the changes you need to make to have a life that you enjoy. Once a person is so down that they don't even want to leave the house, it's time to seriously consider meds.

How we feel is partly determined by how we think, and therapy can help you change the way you think about what is happening. Meds can help you get unstuck to start making some real changes.

If you have any spiritual beliefs at all (from Christian to New Age) looking at your life from a spiritual perspective can be very helpful, too.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#5 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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I am right there with you having no support or friends or anything at all. It hurts, it really does, especially when you do try and people act like it's so easy. Just about everything you said describes me to a T right now. I never felt this bad before, but the isolation is dreary. And you have a high needs 1 year old to top it off! My 4th is soooooo high needs. I call her my little energy vampire. She is so sweet and lovey and wonderful but just sucks the life out of me sometimes she is so high needs. Dr.Sears book The High Needs Baby and Difficult Child (or something like that) really helped me, and there was a support thread somewhere on here for high needs kids-though I haven't seen it in awhile.

It also sounds like maybe some counseling, herbal remedies (or magnesium, omegas, vit B & D), or even anti-depressants might help you get over this hump. You're not doing anything wrong, you're doing the best with what you've been given.

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#6 of 10 Old 06-10-2010, 11:19 PM
 
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Having children less than years apart is considered very difficult and draining. Please, cut yourself some slack. All of what you are feeling is "ok".

Depending upon your parenting style, maybe there are some avenues to meet some other moms. La Leche League? Local Attachment Parenting group?

As someone else said, exercise can be a huge boost. As far as meds, it has been explained to me,that sometimes brain is not "firing" correctly. Meds can help correct this - and then (with some types of depression) the brain starts working correctly again and meds are no longer needed. Kind of like jumper cables for a weak battery I guess.

Can your husband give you any type of relief on the weekends? Sounds like that coupled with more regular date nights might be a huge boost. Perhaps when you meet some other moms that you groove with, you can trade childcare.

I would also suggest that you try to find someway (I know how hard this is!) to spend one on one time with each of your children. Have you ever had the opportunity to spend much time alone with your youngest? It is common not to. Whenever I get that rare opportunity, I am blown away by characteristics that are harder to appreciate when the two are (quite naturally) competing.

Hang in there and keep posting. Wishing you all the best and a happy/peaceful day tomorrow.
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#7 of 10 Old 06-11-2010, 01:30 AM
 
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Please, check out the mental health forum and the ppd forum and look for ideas about treatment for depression.

If you don't want to do meds or therapy, I would start with exercise, daily natural light therapy (just go outside every day) and vitamin supplements. I loved the book, "When Your Body Gets the Blues." It suggests 20 minutes of exercise and light and supplementing with B Complex, D and Selenium.

I've had good luck at times finding other SAHMs to be walking partners with me.

I'm not so desperate as you but I have been there. Wish you were my next door neighbor.
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#8 of 10 Old 06-11-2010, 01:45 AM
 
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I could have written your original post a few years ago. The early childhood years are SO hard, and we were living in a city that I hated. Our marriage was faltering. I was depressed.
I agree with many other posters- counseling is definitely the way to go. It helped me, and our family, figure out how to process a lot of things in the past that were influencing our interactions in the present. And situation had a lot to do with my depression as well- once we moved from that city, I felt much better. But I do think it was only about 50% of the problem...the rest was real emotional stuff that I had to work through.
I hope you can find a good counselor to help you process all your very real and very normal emotions. You are not alone. I'm hoping things look up for you soon.

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#9 of 10 Old 06-11-2010, 09:49 AM
 
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Hugs mama. Be gentle with yourself.

It was a very good step to feeling better just by writing out your feelings and posting them here. I have always found this community to be so great for support when I've needed it, and didn't have it in my local family or friends. It feels good to know that people care...and you have friends, even if they are at a distance.

Have you checked in the Finding Your Tribe forum to see if there are any local MDC mamas? I actually found a few friends that way when I first had DS, and was feeling so isolated. It was REALLY nice to find a couple people with the same ideals as mine, and I still chat with them pretty regularly (mostly on MSN, but we do get together sometimes too).

Talking with someone could be very beneficial, if you have the means to go to a therapy session, DO it! It can be so helpful to just look at your situation in a new light, and feel like you have some tools to begin feeling better. You may or may not need medication - I feel that when I'm at the point of not wanting to go out, I need it. I have been on zoloft since midway through pregnancy with DD. I still struggle some days, but for the most part I've been doing okay.

It sounds like you need more time to yourself (I have the same issue )
Would you be able to find a mother's helper? If there was a teen/tween in your neighbourhood that might come play with your kids for an hour or two while you are still around, but doing something on your own, it may help you recharge.
A gym with daycare would also be something that you could do "on your own", with the kids right there.
Also, is there a preschool program or class that you could sign your DS up for?
It may help you to enjoy your DD more if you had a bit of one-on-one with her, and your DS would likely really enjoy it too. My DS was in preschool this year and it was SO good for all of us. Sometimes I napped with DD the whole time...sometimes we just played...sometimes went for walks, etc. It was only twice per week for two hours each day, but made a huge difference in how I dealt with the rest of the week.

What sorts of things did you do before you moved, or before you had your second child that made you happy? Can you incorporate some old loves/hobbies into your life? I know it's tough with a HN toddler...maybe you could find a class or bookclub to get out to in the evening.

Keep talking about it....it helps so much. Good luck to you.
erin

Mama to DS 02/15/06, and DD born 08/31/09!
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#10 of 10 Old 06-12-2010, 02:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
I have 2 kids -- 3yo DS and 1yo DD. We moved to a new town almost 2 yrs ago, and I still know no one here (I just recently got a car so I can actually go places with the kids during the day). I am trying so hard to get out there and make friends -- it's just not working. The only friend I had here just moved in with her parents in another state because she is separating from her baby's father. I feel so isolated and alone. My family and friends are 2 hours away (and they all work anyway), I have NO ONE other than DH (who is gone all day, then works his "second job" downstairs trying to get his business off the ground). I am so, so miserable.

I am at the point now where I don't even WANT to go anywhere. I am too depressed. I never felt this miserable in my life. It's the same thing every day: wake up feeling like a zombie, make breakfast, change diapers, make lunch, break up fights, try to get the kids to nap, make dinner, laundry, play w/kids, oh yeah, and try to make DH happy too (pisses me off how he immediately jumps on me after the kids go to bed, like "oh she's free! Time to get my needs fulfilled!" Ugh.)

DH and I are BOTH miserable. We talk often how we regret having a 2nd child (of course, I love DD and never want to be without her, but that aside, we realize we went in over our heads). She is SUCH a difficult child, who drains the life out of me.

I am jealous of those who live near family/friends, or seem to have some sort of life. I am so alone I can't stand it. I have to plan WEEKS in advance to set up a date night with DH, because any possible babysitter lives at least an hour away. We have a date night set up for Father's day weekend, which we are both looking forward to.

I just don't feel any joy about being a mom anymore. I hate it now. Being at home with them feels like a prison sentence. I have no energy for this anymore, and right now I don't like being around them much. I never used to feel this way with just DS... sometimes I think I was meant to be a mother of one. I feel like a horrible mom now. I snap at the kids all the time, and then of course, I feel guilty, which makes me feel like #$%# even more. I just can't hack it as a mom of two. I don't know how people do it with 3 or more kids.

I think I am very depressed. Honestly, I am too embarrassed to go to therapy or get meds (I prefer not to take meds, actually). Part of me thinks I am just depressed because of the situation I'm in (lack of community/support/friends), and I feel meds won't do much there.

I need unbiased advice. What the heck is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?
My first thought is not what is wrong with you as much as what is wrong with the culture we live in.

I understand.

Hang in there. Journal. Be kind. Play with your kids. You are best for your kids.
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