Do you ever feel like you dont get to complain about things bc you SAH? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 06-11-2010, 03:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Argghh!! Venting!! Crying!! I have had such a crappy day.

I never feel like I have the 'right' to complain about anything bc I SAH. I dont know why I feel like this. Do you guys feel this way too?

We live in a multigenerational house (my mom lives with DH, DS & I) DH and my Mom work out of the house, I SAH with 6 mo DS. When they (my mom and DH) irritate me or make me mad, I always feel like dont have the right to speak up for myself (bc I SAH), and I hold it inside.

I just couldnt handle it today though, they both made me very very angry today, and I confronted both of them about it. DH got mad that I called him out on his behavior, and left for work in a rush without even saying goodbye to me or DS. I called my mom at work and told her why I was upset with her, and she used that opportunity to bring up things that happened over a year ago to throw back at me.

So I was originally just mad at them.. But now I am also mad at them for making me feel like I am doing something wrong by being mad at them.. if that makes sense?? Like this is just justifying why I feel like I dont have the right to get mad, which makes me mad! OMG I feel like my head is going to explode.

I'm really sorry if this is totally rambly and doesnt make any sense, I just had to get that out, and see if anyone can relate to this.

Mama to Xavian, born 11-24-09
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#2 of 10 Old 06-11-2010, 05:05 PM
 
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I can relate to this, but I think it's more my personality than how I'm being treated. Like, I don't have any examples but I have felt this way before, just in general.
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#3 of 10 Old 06-12-2010, 03:30 PM
 
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I feel the same, sort of. I always feel like i can bring up irritatig behavior, because it's a marriage with your DH and a relationship with your mom, not you being a punching bag/cook/clean up lady. I do however feel that I don't get to complain if my day was bad, or I had a long day, or I had a lot of stuff to do or DS was cranky. DH doesn't do anything to make me think this, I just do *shrug*
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#4 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 10:49 AM
 
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I get really tired of having to defend myself as a SAHM with others (not dh). I have five kids, homeschool two, am working on an arts/crafts business that will get off the proverbial ground SOMEDAY...I garden, do housework...ugh.
Yet I get the remarks that I should be working. Like, I'm NOT??? My family is of the opinion that I seem to just sit around all day...which is a crazy notion. I have gotten to the point that I tell them I dare them to get done in three days what I get done in one.

Trust me, it's a sore spot with me, as well. All I ever hear is how hard dh works, (he is an entertainment and corporate rigger) and it's nice that i 'get' to stay home all day...sometimes I would just like to hear that I work hard too, that my job is as important. I think it's some strange form of jealousy on their part or something.

Wife, mom to 6 great kids!...avid crafter, music lover,  reader, gardener!

 

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#5 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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I understand what you are going through. My dh never outright says anything back to to me about it..but...with him having a high stress job outside the home and then coming home to a highstress house ( 4 kids) it "appears" to those on his outside that he never gets to unwind...ummm HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!! I never get to step away. When I do it is with a kid. On the other hand my older 2 kids step-mom thinks I sit around all day and often coments on how she would be so bored if she satyed home.... yeah..
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#6 of 10 Old 06-13-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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Uhhhh, no. I feel quite free to complain

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#7 of 10 Old 06-15-2010, 10:05 AM
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i am right there with you, mamas! you totally have a right to feel the way you do, whatever that may be, and it's so frustrating when you try and bring it up, you're met with resistance, denial from the other party, or a guilt trip about something completely irrelevant to your feelings. that happens to me all the time. whenever i bring something up, even if it's gentle, it gets met with silence, rushing out the door, throwing up the hands and going away, or an argument about why they're having such a difficult time and all the pressures they're going through just so we can 'have a house' or 'pay the bills', or else it's a health thing, which is why they need 2+ hours of workout time several days a week and i can't even find time to use a massage gift certificate from a baby shower from 3.5 years ago! there's always something to counter whatever it is i'm feeling or bringing up. and it always takes away from my original intent to have a discussion about an issue. and when i ask dh to do something, like take the blinds down so i can send them back to be repaired, or take something big out to the trash, it never gets done. so i get so mad, and end up just doing everything myself or letting it sit forever, so now we have broken blinds in our bedroom.

have you ever seen the episode of everybody loves raymond, when they came back from vacation, and neither of them wanted to bring the suitcase back upstairs? so they let it brew and brew until it got really nasty (and funny!)- well, that's us, minus the funny part.

i feel guilty even complaining because he doesn't drink, go out with 'the guys' or anything else that i'm aware of, but my feelings are real, and just because we are 'at home' and not literally paying the bills or responsible for health care, etc, we still have a huge and important job. and it's so frustrating when it goes unnoticed, or our feelings get shut out.

so now what do we do? i feel like even though i've shared this with dh over the years, it's a repeating conversation, because nothing changes. do we even expect anything to change? or is that not possible?

(can you tell i had a bad morning?... sorry for the rant!)

twins 7.02 ⢠DS 10.06 ⢠OMG #4 1.08 ⢠ebf + tandem nursing!
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#8 of 10 Old 06-15-2010, 06:42 PM
 
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I would be careful about projecting your feelings about being unable to complain do to SAHMing. If you stuff things until you explode, a lot of times the explodees will push back and react defensively to the exploder. It may have nothing to do with SAHMing, except that you use that as the reason why you stuff things.

I'm guessing about the exploding part because frankly it seems a little explode-y to call someone at work to confront them, rather than wait until they get home. So to me that indicates someone who has just *had it* and can't help but unload. Things need to be talked about way before that point. I am pretty sure you know this, but you thinking that you "can't" complain until you rupture makes it hard to try to talk to them before that.

They may have valid reasons for being upset about the way that you expressed your anger if you erupted--and I think your mom has a right to be upset that you called her at work to tell her you were pissed off at her. You might perceive things as they should have noticed you were getting mad--but that tends to not be reality. So if I were you, I would have (separate) conversations with them opening with an apology for seeming to attack them. Then *disclose* that you often feel like you can't start conversations because you're afraid that you'll seem ungrateful for being able to SAH, so you let it build until it all comes exploding out. But, you do have some specific, non-carpetbagging issues that you need to discuss with them. If it's a good time then, then discuss...if not, make an appointment.
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#9 of 10 Old 06-17-2010, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

I'm guessing about the exploding part because frankly it seems a little explode-y to call someone at work to confront them, rather than wait until they get home. So to me that indicates someone who has just *had it* and can't help but unload. Things need to be talked about way before that point. I am pretty sure you know this, but you thinking that you "can't" complain until you rupture makes it hard to try to talk to them before that.

They may have valid reasons for being upset about the way that you expressed your anger if you erupted--and I think your mom has a right to be upset that you called her at work to tell her you were pissed off at her. You might perceive things as they should have noticed you were getting mad--but that tends to not be reality. So if I were you, I would have (separate) conversations with them opening with an apology for seeming to attack them. Then *disclose* that you often feel like you can't start conversations because you're afraid that you'll seem ungrateful for being able to SAH, so you let it build until it all comes exploding out. But, you do have some specific, non-carpetbagging issues that you need to discuss with them. If it's a good time then, then discuss...if not, make an appointment.
Uhmm... yeah.. I called my mom at work because one of her cats PEED all over my DS's play blanket and toys in the family room. And instead of picking it up and cleaning it, she left there for me to clean up. She gets out of bed about 2 hours before she leaves for work, and sits on the couch with her coffee and breakfast for an hour of that, which is RIGHT NEXT to this blanket and the toys. Instead of cleaning it, or at least PICKING IT UP, she just left a note, in a totally different room of the house, and basicaly just SAT and drank coffee and watched TV next to a baby blanket soaked in her cats pee. So I called her because I was very upset, who wouldnt be?! Instead of appologizing or explaining, or anything, she instead decided to yell at me because my dog ripped up carpet (that my DH and I paid for and replaced within a week) OVER A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

Seriously???

Mama to Xavian, born 11-24-09
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#10 of 10 Old 06-20-2010, 12:03 AM
 
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I'm a little late replying to this, but I just wanted to say I completely understand where you're coming from. I have a two week old (premature) daughter with reflux whom I've been struggling to breastfeed, in addition to adjusting to being a first time mother. Her father works very hard for us and when he's able to he gives me a break to take a shower or cooks breakfast on his day off, but her round the clock care and the housework mostly falls to me- and has since the day after we were discharged from the hospital.

I'm tired and I want five minutes to soak in a bathtub without something needing to be done for someone, but frankly, I don't feel like I can tell her father that because I wanted to be a stay at home mother afterall. Today he called from work and asked me how my day was going and I completely lied. The strange thing is I didn't even mean to lie when I told him my day was going great. My mother, who had not thirty minutes prior to this phone call walked in on me feeding my daughter and crying as she cried, told me that I needed to work on being upfront with him about the things I'm frustrated with.

She's right. When he comes home tonight I think I'm going to tell him just how long and tiring my day has been, because whether or not I'm paid for it and whether or not I work in the comfort of our home, taking care of our house and our daughter is a job. We're just as entitled as anyone else to have a bad day. So hugs to you- I just wanted you to know someone else could relate to your situation.
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