Constantly compared to sister in law - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 05:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need to vent a bit, so I apologize in advance for the 'whineyness', lol.

I am a sahm to my 2.5 year old. My fiance is not her biological father but acts like he is. We are financially well off and I have no debt. My future in laws are fantastic and I love them, but my soon to be fil ALWAYS suggests jobs for me and/or daycare options. I've told him time and again that I am very happy in my current position, lol. My dd is a very happy and healthy little girl.
My sil has a one year old and works out of the home. She often uses the inlaws to watch her lo for days at a time and has admitted to me that her job doesn't really make her that much money to make it worth it. I have no judgment of her parenting choices but I am frustrated at how much I am compared to how she is as a mother by my fil. He is constantly telling me how she manages to work and put her lo in daycare or with them. In the past I have brushed it off but it's really starting to get old, especially as time goes on and I am noticing her not being very attached to her lo, or I should say, not appearing to be very attached. I don't think I've ever seen her kiss or hug her child. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I'm running out of ways to tell him nicely to just drop it. And it is getting annoying to be expected to be like the 'perfect mommy' sil

Anyone have to deal with anything like this? How did you keep from pulling your hair out? lol

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#2 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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"Different things work for different families. We're doing what works for us. Pass the bean dip, please."

Keep it short and sweet and then change the conversation. Repeat. Don't get dragged into any conversation where you're put on the defensive. Smile and simply walk away if he doesn't take the hint and let it go.

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#3 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
"Different things work for different families. We're doing what works for us. Pass the bean dip, please."


I would also make sure you don't say anything negative about your SIL's parenting while trying to defend your choices. Working outside the home might allow her to be the best parent she can be. I SAH and love it and am afraid I w/b too stressed out if I continued to work. OTOH, my mother went to work after being a SAHM for a few years; she was a much better parent when she had time away from the house (and the children).

Also, is the SIL their daughter or DIL? If she is their daughter, you may always be compared to her and they will probably always support/favor her decisions.

I just noticed in your sig you are vegan...I'm surprised they're not giving you a difficult time about that decision. My MIL could not understand our raising our children veggie.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - it is difficult to be compared to others; especially family.
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#4 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
"Different things work for different families. We're doing what works for us. Pass the bean dip, please."

Keep it short and sweet and then change the conversation. Repeat. Don't get dragged into any conversation where you're put on the defensive. Smile and simply walk away if he doesn't take the hint and let it go.


I cheerfully deliver a similar statement when someone brings it up and starts in like your FIL. The idea is to end the conversation before it starts. Smile, say it firmly and happily and then move on. Most people get the hint, even if it takes a couple of repeated episodes.

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#5 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 06:21 PM
 
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Your FH needs to tell his father to knock it off already.
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#6 of 10 Old 06-14-2010, 09:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the suggestions!

I've been mostly ignoring him up to now. I've tried explaining to him how it costs us more to have me working a part time job than it's worth, to list the benefits to dd, and even bring df into it. He doesn't really seem to care. I think fil is the type of man who likes to make a lot of money ( and is pretty well off himself) and just plain does not understand why excess money is not that important to me.
I can feel myself becoming more and more defensive and I don't want to start doing that. I think I'm just going to have to continue to ignore him and try not to feel judgmental of sil. She is his daughter, and honestly I am not. Nor is dd his biological granddaughter. I'm not saying he doesn't love dd and me, but I know the treatment will always be a little different from what sil and her lo receive.

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#7 of 10 Old 06-15-2010, 01:29 AM
 
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How does your future spouse play into all this? I think it is his role to tell his dad to knock it off.

(In general, I deal with the nonsense from my family of orgin, and DH handles any nonsense from his family of orgin)

If you future spouse won't stick up for you, it might be a red flag.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 10 Old 06-15-2010, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Df is in complete agreement with me on my sah status. Often times when fil questions me, df is not around. I've asked him to say something and he has in email. I wanted fil to know I wasn't duping his son into taking care of me, lol. It hasn't really stopped fil from still making his 'helpful' suggestions though. I talked about it with df again last night and he's agreed to step in to any conversations in the future. For the most part df let's me handle it myself since I've told him in the past that's how I like to do it. I don't feel I have anything to worry about with df in this case. He's been the most supportive of me from day one.
I'll have to see how the next family event goes though. I have a feeling that now that I am getting certified as a birth doula, fil will let it alone. Well, hopefully at least.

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#9 of 10 Old 06-16-2010, 11:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
"Different things work for different families. We're doing what works for us. Pass the bean dip, please."

Keep it short and sweet and then change the conversation. Repeat. Don't get dragged into any conversation where you're put on the defensive. Smile and simply walk away if he doesn't take the hint and let it go.
^^Definitely that. If he keeps pushing, just say "FIL, my choices aren't up for discussion" and change the subject. In other words, try the gentle approach first, but feel free to be a bit more blunt if he continues.

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#10 of 10 Old 06-16-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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my MIL is constantly giving me heads up on openings in the work force ("theyre hiring down the street...")

i usually give her one-liners or else she tunes me out. something like, "oh yeah? but how will i watch G?" or "well im not letting anyone babysit G so unless they want to hire a pregnant lady with a 14 month old..."

my favorite to date is, "oh cool. are you looking for a job?" LOL

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