It's harder when DH is at home - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 52 Old 07-29-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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OMG, me, too. It causes me twice as much work with dh home.

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#32 of 52 Old 07-30-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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Yes, he makes it a million times harder. The reason? He doesn't help! Because when he stays home from work, it's because he has "the day off". So he looks at it like a vacation day where he can sit around and watch marathons Deadliest Catch all day and whatever else he wants to do. Last time DH stayed home, he went out and chipped golf balls in the back yard. Then he came in and dumped his sweaty clothes NEXT TO the hamper, took a shower and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch.

Yeah it was nice of him to think of taking me to lunch but we have a 10 week old and all that time he was enjoying himself in the back yard, I was dealing with a cranky baby who I finally got to go down for a much needed nap! There was no way I was going to risk waking him up by putting him in the car seat! He also didn't understand that "nap time" doesn't mean "break time" for me. I had to spend that time doing dishes and laundry and other housework that has been put off (which he didn't help me with at all!) It's like he has no clue what I do every day and thinks I'm on vacation all day or something.

At least when he's at work, I can put on 90210 reruns in the background instead of whatever he wants to watch.

Anyway, I love it that he has given me the opportunity to stay home with my baby, but I'm almost considering going to work at least part time at night so that he stops treating me like his personal maid. And he would also get a taste of what it's like to be home alone with the baby with no one to help!
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#33 of 52 Old 08-01-2010, 05:41 AM
 
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yep im with ya. it just throws the system a little

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#34 of 52 Old 08-03-2010, 12:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Happiestever View Post
When there is someone else to help out I expect it.
Dh has worked at home fulltime for a few years and really, the only time it's a problem is when I get to feeling like that quote and "forget" that he actually has a job to do. It's usually near the end of a bout of really bad weather--which induces wicked migraines for me--and I'm feeling whiney and tired.

The reality is: when nobody's home, you have no hope of help--so you just DEAL... ya know? You manage. But when he's home, it's easy to expect him to pitch in and help like he does on the weekends... and now he's home, so you can fall into expecting that. So when I'm run down, I have to remind myself that he's not REALLY "home".

That being said, I can echo some of the posts here. Mine totally did have a hard time getting used to WAH. He fluttered from workaholic to not being able to "get into" working. A home office with a door and access to a bathroom where my kids wouldn't see was a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE help.

The kids manage. As long as daddy followed the rules (not just coming down whenever--just at lunch), we were fine. Now, my 6yo is much more able to handle my husband coming down for a coffee break irregularly. My 21mo can be distracted. We have a policy that we knock on his door (if we REALLY need him) and if he doesn't answer, we know he's on the phone and can't be disturbed... and we don't.

Dh is getting a little more able to manage his time to be truly flexible. Like today, he had primarily documentation to do--so he took an hour to let me call the insurance company and resolve a really complicated issue. As I type this, he's making up that hour (while both kids sleep).

We like it.

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#35 of 52 Old 08-03-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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Yep, things sometimes seem more stressful with dh home -- he "walks" dd around and complains about it (even though I rarely do that with her since I'm trying to get her to crawl first), the dishes seem to pile up, etc.

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#36 of 52 Old 08-04-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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this post made me seriously LOL. my hubby teaches so he has summers off. our routine gets TOTALLY out of whack. the.whole.summer.

either way, i always look forward to him being home.


 

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#37 of 52 Old 08-04-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ThisCat View Post
Same here! I was actually thinking this past weekend I needed to start a thread about it to see if I was the only one.

Weekends are crazy around here. The kids are all excited because daddy is home, but daddy needs some to relax because he exhausted from the work week, and I have all these expectations about things I need to get done because he's home, and we all just end up getting on each others nerves.

It's worse when we try to hang out at home. The more we get out the better. But then we get no time to relax or getting anything done around here. Funny thing is though, I look forward to them every week like somehow this one is going to be different.
Hahaha I could have written this word for word!! Yes, all this happens but I countdown to each weekend like its Christmas!

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#38 of 52 Old 08-05-2010, 05:06 AM
 
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Me too sometimes. All my FB friends will be whining about Mondays and I'll be happy to have my peaceful house back.
: I deleted my FB account but I used to feel the same way. Ditto PP's - my children are super excited to have Daddy home even if he is supposed to be working and they go haywire!

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#39 of 52 Old 08-05-2010, 12:09 PM
 
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I love my dh a lot but it is a lot more work when he is home. More kitchen mess, more clutter, and another person that needs things from me. I am glad when he goes back to work so I can clean the house good. DH was unemployed a few months in 2008/2009 and I thought I would go crazy!

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#40 of 52 Old 08-05-2010, 12:50 PM
 
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It sounds as though the hardest situations are the ones in which the partner working from home expects the SAH to work *for* him, especially without extending similar support outside the workday. Tigerchild's posts are really positive and respectful, and I notice that Mr. Tigerchild is described in one of them as "considerate." Bet that's a huge reason your family's made it work. It has to go both ways, IMO, whether one or both partners works at home or not.

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#41 of 52 Old 08-07-2010, 09:29 PM
 
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I can SO identify with this!!!! DH is a fire medic, so he works 24 hrs on, 48 hrs off. I find that I'm so much more productive in every way during the 24 hours he's at work! When he's home we waste so much time trying to decide together what/when/how and where to do anything, or just getting sidetracked by random discussions, that it is harder to get anything accomplished. And I just don't know how this is, but if we are getting ready to leave the house, it takes 3 times as long when he is home and helping, lol...

And I do get frustrated sometimes when he's around for two full days but I'm still doing 95% of the work. He doesn't mean to be like that, and will happily help when I ask, he just literally doesn't "see" the chores... and he's another kid when it comes to not picking up/putting away.

That's another thing, he's a great dad, plays with the kids a lot... but it's like time for him means something else. If I say I'm going for a jog w/DD in stroller and DS on his bike, we are out the door in ten minutes tops, and that is with pottying/dressing/etc. For him to do it, it is typically 35 - 45 minutes to get out the door. Now that is just personality clashing, I'm a list maker and an efficient organizer, and he's very very laidback. It's just another reason my days when he is home seem to disappear into thin air with nothing being accomplished.

I've often dreamed about other SAHM schedules where it's a typical work week and not so all one way or the other. DH is starting a second job so he'll be gone more, but it's event work, so it will be a lot of night/weekend shifts. That means Daddy will need sleep during the day, which is another difficulty with young kids and a small house. When Daddy needs to sleep coming off a rough shift, I pretty much have to leave with the kids or at least keep them in the backyard if he's going to have any chance to sleep. You just hear everything here, and I always feel so bad when the kids are all rambunctious because it's morning, and he's just off shift and exhausted from too many calls.

Me: married to my :fireman Mama to my littles: Toby 8/04 and Elina 10/08
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#42 of 52 Old 08-08-2010, 12:06 PM
 
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I can so identify with your situation. I think when DH is not home, my daughter and I just go with the flow of our normal routine. When he comes home, that routine is disrupted a bit, and both she and I, at times, have trouble adjusting.
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#43 of 52 Old 08-12-2010, 07:11 PM
 
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omg this is us too. Dh works weekends so it is the weekdays tuesday/wednesday that things go crazy, then half the time we have a party or something to go to on saturdays, so i feel like i have 2 weekends every week that i have to pick up after on mondays and thursdays...What irks me is dh napping, i don't know it just bothers me, i mean he normally gets a normal amount of sleep so why is it he always needs to be laying in the bed sleeping or pretending to sleep. That and the computer games, ds will not do any 'school' time when dh is home, I am beginning to think that this could be a problem if we were to homeschool past pre-k, Dh is not into teaching so that is totally out. I also hate cooking big meals when dh is home, i guess i get lazy or worn out from running errands so i don't want to slave over the stove for 1+ hours, so it's normally a quick meal, or sometimes he will go to work for something for a couple hours and then i will get some cooking/cleaning done then. Nevermind him helping out around the house, he doesn't even know how to work the dishwasher or washing machine, never mind get the dirty items to near the machines, lol, oh well at least ds helps out a little now that he is older, now if only he would pick up his toys better then the house wouldn't get half as messing.

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#44 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 02:18 PM
 
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We went thought this when dh was working on his master's. He was home practically all the time. I loved it and hated it at the same time. However, it was so wonderful for dd... She is now is shock thinking dh would be away for more than 8 hours a day when he gets a job. She finds it cruel.... (Dh has been a student or unemployed as long as she can remember.)

For us, the perfect situation would be a shed at the end of the yard for dh to work in. Like that UK website, shedworking. I would have my space and yet see him more than if he was away...

Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
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#45 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 07:55 PM
 
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hmmp thats not good
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#46 of 52 Old 08-18-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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ahh i see, good for you!
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#47 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 12:15 AM
 
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I'm glad I'm not the only one! I'm happy when he comes home at night, but I really really look forward to Monday. It's not that he's messy, or lazy. He's actually so productive working on the cars, the yard, fixing misc things, that I can't sit still without feeling lazy. On week days, the house gets trashed through the day and I do all my cleaning in the hour before he gets home, but I have to keep things nicer when he's home all day. And I get envious that he can come and go as he pleases while I'm dealing with naps, meals, and toddler moods.

DH has Fridays off and I've found it much better if we go about our day as if he's not there - library, playdates, LLL, whatever. Sat and Sun are harder because there isn't anything to go do, and DH never wants to go anywhere.

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#48 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 12:21 AM
 
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Totally not alone in that. I also can't keep the house up at ALL when he's home. It's such a catch 22. We/I want him home and look forward to his time off, but then I get SO behind and the kids are so off, it's hard! I don't know why it is, would like to!

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#49 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 12:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Happiestever View Post
This is how I feel as well. When there is someone else to help out I expect it. So when he just sits there waiting for me to do everything it irritates me. When we are at the park or whatever I expect him to do half of what I usually do, but instead I am still the one pushing the kids, following them making sure they don't do anything dangerous.

He usually just gets in my way to be honest. If you aren't going to help, then why are you even here?

This often leads to me being in a bad temper because I feel like I have to make up for what he doesn't do. Sometimes when I leave the kids with him while I run to the store with just the babe the house is literally turned upside down- as in furniture physically flipped over and everything pulled out of the areas and strewn about. Yikes,sorry to hijack. Your thread title just sang to me LOL
I'm so glad I am not alone in this feeling! Specifically the italic parts! He does pretty good when I am gone with the baby and he has the 3 year old, doesn't get much messier than if I where here. But the other feelings, could have been spoken by me.

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#50 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 12:36 AM
 
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This is how I feel as well. When there is someone else to help out I expect it. So when he just sits there waiting for me to do everything it irritates me. When we are at the park or whatever I expect him to do half of what I usually do, but instead I am still the one pushing the kids, following them making sure they don't do anything dangerous.

He usually just gets in my way to be honest. If you aren't going to help, then why are you even here?

This often leads to me being in a bad temper because I feel like I have to make up for what he doesn't do. Sometimes when I leave the kids with him while I run to the store with just the babe the house is literally turned upside down- as in furniture physically flipped over and everything pulled out of the areas and strewn about. Yikes,sorry to hijack. Your thread title just sang to me LOL
this is us exactly. i seriously thought my dh working only one job would be great but really it isn't working out. he sits and it seems as if he is waiting for me to entertain him? he watches a movie, lounges, naps... it is just bizarre. there is very little parenting happening while i am around. if he does attempt to help or parent he just ends up being mean and yelling. he creates stress and his expectations are insane for toddlers/preschoolers. my ds is too young to be left for very long so i often take him with me so dh and dd can have some time alone. he seems to handle her well on his own, two is a lot harder. obviously

anyway having him home all day (he works nights) just messes me up. i feel like i cant do things my way (it is always the wrong way in his opinion). he makes comments about dumb things (imo) because i focus on my kids and making it through the day without losing my cool. younger ds is going through some intense separation anxiety and even me being in the kitchen doing dishes is too much. he is usually at my pant leg whining and crying. also leaving them alone in the room usually ends up with someone crying or hurt. bah.

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#51 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 12:44 AM
 
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I'm glad I'm not the only one! I'm happy when he comes home at night, but I really really look forward to Monday. It's not that he's messy, or lazy. He's actually so productive working on the cars, the yard, fixing misc things, that I can't sit still without feeling lazy. On week days, the house gets trashed through the day and I do all my cleaning in the hour before he gets home, but I have to keep things nicer when he's home all day. And I get envious that he can come and go as he pleases while I'm dealing with naps, meals, and toddler moods.

DH has Fridays off and I've found it much better if we go about our day as if he's not there - library, playdates, LLL, whatever. Sat and Sun are harder because there isn't anything to go do, and DH never wants to go anywhere.

mama to one '07 and one '09
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#52 of 52 Old 08-24-2010, 01:58 AM
 
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this is us exactly. i seriously thought my dh working only one job would be great but really it isn't working out. he sits and it seems as if he is waiting for me to entertain him? he watches a movie, lounges, naps... it is just bizarre. there is very little parenting happening while i am around. if he does attempt to help or parent he just ends up being mean and yelling. he creates stress and his expectations are insane for toddlers/preschoolers. my ds is too young to be left for very long so i often take him with me so dh and dd can have some time alone. he seems to handle her well on his own, two is a lot harder. obviously

anyway having him home all day (he works nights) just messes me up. i feel like i cant do things my way (it is always the wrong way in his opinion). he makes comments about dumb things (imo) because i focus on my kids and making it through the day without losing my cool. younger ds is going through some intense separation anxiety and even me being in the kitchen doing dishes is too much. he is usually at my pant leg whining and crying. also leaving them alone in the room usually ends up with someone crying or hurt. bah.
bolding is my doing, and it's EXACTLY my DH! He makes his own hours, as long as he works 40, they don't care when he's there. But instead of taking advantage of being off early in the day and spending time doing family stuff, he comes home and lays on the couch, or messes with electronic components and stuff that *obviously* is little and will catch the girls' interest. then it's all out war bc the girls won't leave him be so he can piddle around with whatever it is he's piddling with. All the while I'm still picking up the toys, doing the dishes, the laundry, entertaining the kiddos, and waiting until my bladder is about to EXPLODE for him to put his stuff down and watch them so I can even pee in peace!

don't get me wrong, he's a great daddy, but goodness, the kids are just so much easier without the extra "unknown" factor. example: miss M pooped, will he notice and change her? is it safe to assume he's got it? did he wash miss C's hands after the potty trip? did he let the dog out? was the hamster fed or do I need to do it? I'd rather just do it all myself so I know it's done right and done at all!

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