I can't get over how hard this is. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 08-03-2010, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
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No really, I can't get over it. I think about it all the time. When ever something goes 'wrong' (I have a toddler so, tantrum/frustration or bed time dissaster or when she's sick and just fussy) All I can think about is 'this is SO hard, no one understands how hard this is, I don't have enough support, my husband has NO IDEA what I do all day'..... on an on and on.

My husband works nights so I ALWAYS do the night routine. (Which is really hard, my DD doesn't go to sleep easy.) Then during the day he's upstairs sleeping so when things get hard I'm just thinking, "I wish I could sleep eight hours in a row, it would be so nice to take a shower everyday..' and on and ON!

I am really worried that I might not be as thankful of the wonderful things (although I do realize that I have alot of joy) but I am so focused on how hard this is! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! I have less than zero family support from my birth family, too. (Lots of stuff, but mostly my father is recently dissabled and my mother is overwhelmed and dissapointed at how much caregiving she needs to do. When I visit them I end up offering them support, cleaning, cooking, emotional, ect. And then I resent that.)

This is hard for me to admit. I don't know why I am so negitive but I don't feel like I can get over it. ANyone BTDT?

Newly Single-Mama. Raising homebirth baby, Josephine, July '09.


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#2 of 13 Old 08-03-2010, 01:33 PM
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we understand! This is hard. Some days go well and some days I wish i could just quit in the middle.

Do you know any families with stay at home moms nearby or families of your husbands co-workers that might also be dealing with the night shift issues? What is your DH doing in the morning when he gets home or before work to help relieve you?

It must be very frustrating though at times to KNOW he's sleeping upstairs and you're struggling downstairs. I know I feel frustrated when my husband is working at home and we're having a meltdown.

Try to make sure you're doing something at least once a week that YOU want to do, and a toddler is acceptable to bring along. Sometimes we do too much 'oh she'll like that or this... and we're trying so hard and they don't even really care'.

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#3 of 13 Old 08-03-2010, 02:55 PM
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You sound burned out! Are you friends with any other SAHMs? The Finding Your Tribe forum here, or Meetup.com might be able to help you connect with other like-minded mamas in your area. Taking some time to talk to people who get it is so, so helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed.

It really is hard though. And it sounds like your situation is made harder because you're always on duty--whether your husband is at work, or home sleeping. That's really unsustainable, mama. You can't be expected to be completely responsible at all hours of every day. You need time to yourself to recharge. Can you hire a part-time mother's helper or caregiver to come once or twice a week? What about joining a gym that has an in-house daycare? Even taking just a few hours every week will make a huge difference.

So sorry you're not getting the support you need right now. There was a period of time when DH was gone for weeks on end. We lived in the country and I had no friends or family nearby and no one to turn to when I needed help. Those were some of the toughest months of my life and there were times I wanted to run screaming out the front door and never look back. I know it's hard.

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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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#4 of 13 Old 08-03-2010, 03:04 PM
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I wohm, but am working towards stay at home. I took a week off once to see what it would be like, and I about wanted to die. It is unbelievably hard, much harder than having a desk job, imo. People just don't get it, for the most part.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#5 of 13 Old 08-11-2010, 03:06 AM
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Yes, it's really hard. I've found when things are really bad, just wait a couple months and everything will be totally different. Of course then it will get bad again and you figure out how to work through that until the next thing comes along.

I can relate about dh working nights. I have a 3.75ds and 1.5dd and I have been struggling with bedtimes by myself since the oldest was born! I only just in the last couple of months feel like I've finally got a good routine down and I can actually get everyone to sleep by a decent hour. But I just found out I'm pregnant so not sure what I'm going to do when I have 3 to put to bed by myself!

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#6 of 13 Old 08-11-2010, 03:16 AM
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Oh, I so know what you mean! It's hard to get out of that negative cycle. I found that when I started SAHMing, I was shocked and overwhelmed at how hard it was. I gave up a lot to do it, and it wasn't really our first plan (my partner was going to stay home, but got a job offer we couldn't refuse). So I tend(ed) to martyr myself. I compare everything. (Oh, he gets a shower every day! Must be nice. He gets to have a dinner with coworkers and have an adult conversation. Must be nice! And on and on.)

We made a rule that there is no comparing because it's always a grass-is-greener kind of thing. I try so hard to see it from his perspective. He works constantly; he wishes he could do what I do instead. And, okay, I'm a complainer. If I were the one working, I'd probably still find a way to compare us to death until I came out the "winner"/most martyered. It's dumb! But hard.

Because what we do is the most important job. No one gives us praise/raises. No one gives us vacation time or days off. And the stakes are higher than high--our children's lives and wellbeing are at stake!

So find a network of other SAHMs if you can. Try to see things from his perspective if you can. Try to stop comparing and find the silver lining (it's hard, believe me, but it's there). And get some relief. We started a thing a while ago where one night a week each of us goes off and does something on our own w/o the kids (haven't done it in a while since we have a newborn at home), and it did wonders for our relationship and my sanity.

People aren't meant to live in isolation like we do. I hope you can get the support you need and don't feel badly for needing it. If it helps, all the mamas and papas in this forum have your back. Hang in there!

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#7 of 13 Old 08-14-2010, 10:50 PM
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i agree you need some friends. it gets your out of the house and maybe playdates?

keep in mind that the age your DD is now is hard (well they are all hard but they are hard for different reasons) someday you WILL be able to take a shower everyday. alone even. some ideas

- make friends who have similarly aged kids and/or are kid friendly
- get out, go to the park, nature walks... something.
- try to keep a reasonable routine so your DD knows whats going to be happening everyday which may solve a few of the tantrums.
- keep your sense of humor
- take showers together? at least it gets you washed everyday

- to avoid frustration from both of you just remove EVERYTHING that isn't okay to touch / play with from her reaching area. (really i know its a pain but rather then having to fight over if she can throw all the flour on the floor for the 35th time that day just remove it.) if you have to by a big plastic tub and put all the stuff that is normally down low in it. you will be able to put it back again someday

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#8 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 12:24 PM
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I just happen to read your other post in the toddler forum as well and I am once again saying THANK YOU for posting this!! Not that I'm helping you feel any better or giving you answers, but it's so nice to know that we are not the only ones going through this! It is soooo hard being a SAHP! And I feel so guilty when other people go on and on about what a blessing children are. Yes, they are a blessing but that doesn't mean our everyday lives with them are enjoyable! My DD is almost a year and she just now is able to nap a little on her own w/o me laying next to her the whole time. But even yet, last night I spent 2 HOURS trying to put her to bed & every day just to get bathed she goes in the shower with me! And yes, DH's comments about "you seem frustrated" or "what's wrong" really rub me the wrong way! I just want to say "you stay home with her for an entire day by yourself and see how you survive"!
Anyhow, I just wanted to say you are not alone and it is hard to stay positive. Hopefully...this too shall pass

SAHM to my #1 little miss (9/11/09) and have been TTC since 06/10 (with 1 loss 3/12/11).We do all the usual "crunchy" things!I'm typing from my iPhone so please excuse any errors.
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#9 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 12:24 PM
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Oops double post

SAHM to my #1 little miss (9/11/09) and have been TTC since 06/10 (with 1 loss 3/12/11).We do all the usual "crunchy" things!I'm typing from my iPhone so please excuse any errors.
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#10 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 12:37 PM
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i get frustrated when things arent going the way i want them too. but it is just a moment and the next moment could be different. my older two go to school, so i have a 3yo and a 10 mo old at home. i take a shower regularly. they take it with me. it is crowded. i live in a trailer and have a small tub. the 10 mo old sits in a seat, the 3yo sits next to her and ther is just enough room left for me to shower. i fill the tub half way with warm water, then take a warm shower. they love it. i dont use soap or shampoo on them during the shower, i save that for when i give them their own bath. they splash and play. i shut off the shower and get out first. they play while i wipe off. then we all go into my room. theyplay naked while i get dressed real fast. then i dress the 10 mo old while either watching the 3 yo run around naked cuz she doesnt want to dress herself, or tell her what a good job she is doing dressing herself.

anyway, i just wanted to illustrate how it wokrs for me in one area. you just have to find your groove, your routine.

by the way, i started typing this with a sleeping baby on me and a 3 yo who was watching tv, and ended with a 3yo who had woken her sister up anfd both wanted to help me type/. now i gotta go hang up klaundry whoile they play on the yard. i just take them everywhere

Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
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#11 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 01:06 PM
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My husband is a night-shift worker, too. And, yeah, it is really, really hard those times when things are going crazy and he's sleeping in JUST the other room.

But he makes time for us before and after his shifts, so I can get a nice break. He comes home around 8am, I shower, he eats breakfast (dinner?) and hangs with the kids, then goes to bed at 9am. He's up at 3:30pm, goes for a run and showers and then takes point on the kids from 4:30 until 5:30pm.

Do you guys have something worked out for you to get those little breaks each day?

Jen, former sys admin and current geek , wife to DH , SAHM and Montessori homeschool teacher to DD "Nugget" (05/07) and new arrival DS "Sprout" (03/31/10)
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#12 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 08:52 PM
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It is hard. And thankless, but what else would you be doing?

When I have bad days that's what I think. What else would I do?

I agree with getting together with others parents is wonderful, so good for the soul-- to talk to other parents and see what they're doing.

Are there any toddler parks and recs. classes in your area? Those are another good outlet.

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#13 of 13 Old 08-25-2010, 09:43 PM
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subbing to get some good thoughts, since I'm there, too. It is hard.
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