SAHM's with no support network - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 08-03-2010, 06:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I posted here and there about being a lonely SAHM, isolated hours from friends/family. I have since made another mommy friend that I really get along with (we are actually getting together again tomorrow) so that has really helped with the depressed and lonely feelings I have been having lately.

But... she lives the next town over (I swear, NOBODY lives in the same town I do!!) and works part-time, so we get together maybe once a week, at the most.

I really wish I could find somebody, or just have my family, to hang out with everyday. I am that type of person, though introverted, needs to be around people or I start to feel very depressed. I just wish I lived near my father or sisters, or my old best friend, so I could just stop at their place with the kids and maybe have dinner, coffee, or just relax... or even so they can watch the kids so I can get a date night with DH for once! We don't live in an in-town location anymore either (which I miss!!), so it's not like I can even get out to take a walk and just be around people. In fact, all the places I've lived since in the last 10 yrs or so have been either closer to family or in an in-town location where I found it SO MUCH easier to meet people naturally and feel a part of a community (one of the reasons why we want to leave this rural suburban sprawl soon and head back to town).

We have to live far from family -- they all live far from the city, where DH works, and where all the opportunity is. Life is so boring here and I can't believe how LONELY I feel.

This situation just sucks. It sucks having no one there. DH and I always talk how it's always just us and it's wearing us out. We barely have any time alone as a couple, or to be able to socialize with other couples like us. I know our nomadic lifestyle doesn't help (we have moved countless times in the last 10 years, pretty big moves that took us hundreds or thousands of miles away -- and always made friends but then had to leave). We finally bought our first house and moved here 2 years ago, and we are staying -- though not in this house, but this general area -- for good. I just hope we can finally spread our roots here and lay a foundation for our family.

Anyone else far from family or friends? How do you cope with the loneliness/lack of support?

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
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#2 of 28 Old 08-03-2010, 06:29 PM
 
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Have you already tried with the Finding Your Tribe forum? I've lost a lot of my support network lately for a variety of reasons, and always turn to that forum for help.

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#3 of 28 Old 08-03-2010, 10:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I have tried that forum a few times. There just always seems to be things going on an hour away from me. It seems no one lives up where I do (northern fairfield co.) Everything seems to be either coastal ct or hartford.

I will keep trying though. It's all I can do. Hopefully this friend I just met will become a good friend to the point where we hang out a lot more--even without the kids.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
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#4 of 28 Old 08-03-2010, 10:26 PM
 
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Does your town have a newcomer's club or something like that? I would also try to figure out how to join a playgroup. When in doubt, ask a librarian at your local library or even call town hall. Even if there's no official answer, whoever answers the phone might say "Gee, I don't know... have you tried the Mother's Club?" or offer information about some such organization that you wouldn't otherwise hear about.

I would also really suggest getting involved in a church/temple/etc. If you are not religious, try a UU church. It a great way to plug into your community and meet like-minded people.

I met one of my very good Mom friends at a Gymboree class. Have you tried going to story hour at the library, or a class of some sort? If there is a Y near you, you can usually take a class that interests you (my Y not only has exercise classes, but also classes for adults on things like painting and book discussion groups). Ys usually offer childcare, too, so you can get a break from your kids.

I agree with you that SAHing can be very, very lonely.

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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#5 of 28 Old 08-03-2010, 11:04 PM
 
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Yes, what PP said...I met my two closest mom friends through a Gymboree class, also met some other friends at library story time. I would find as many activities as possible to do with the kiddos, it seems to be the easiest way to meet other moms.
Good luck! I know how lonely it can be....

Anna
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#6 of 28 Old 08-04-2010, 01:41 AM
 
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hey, sweetie, i am in a very similar situation to you. I also checked out the tribes, and the closest person i have seen post was 1 1/2 hours away. most of the event are several hours away.

my husband and i have been married for 11 years, we have moved several times, even lived overseas. We moved to a very rural small town, which we actually live 4 miles outside of 8 months ago with our son who is 13 months old now. The town has 1300 people including rural residents like us, and there are no groups. Some people have been friendly, but i am shy and so my big outing is church on Sunday, which is populated with the over 80 crowd. there are some people with children my son's age, but i feel like they don't get us- we cloth diaper, breastfeed and are vegetarian, and i try not to push it, but i still feel like people are looking at me like i have two heads.

I find myself driving 1/2 hour twice a week to go to the grocery store or even to Walmart and talking to strangers there, just to have some interaction. We go to the library every week, but it is a rush to get out before my son tears things up. I also go to the farmer's market (ok, its one local farmer) once a week and a neighbor girl who is 10 comes over to learn to babysit once a week. My husband works for a nonprofit and this summer has been working nonstop so its been... a challenge.

The loneliness actually was part of the reason i started to participate on the forum.
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#7 of 28 Old 08-04-2010, 09:14 AM
 
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Hi, here, checking in to commiserate.
We moved here a year ago. We HATE it here. I really know very very few people, and the people I DO know just.... we don't 'click.' So, it is very isolating. And I do have friends where we moved from, but they're busy with their lives so I really don't have anyone to talk to.

DH of course doesn't like it here either, but, he knows a lot of people from work. Some he really likes, others are just so-so, but he has plenty of people to talk to and hang out with. And his friends back home aren't SAHMs, so they have time to stay in touch. And, he has siblings and a large extended family, I'm an only child with a tiny family and most of my family wrote me off long ago.

*sigh*

It can get very lonely. I hope someday things will improve, but I'm not sure how.
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#8 of 28 Old 08-04-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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Anyone else far from family or friends? How do you cope with the loneliness/lack of support?
I have been in your shoes.

My relationship with God, writing in my journal and even, at times, MDC --- all helped with the lack of support. Play with and love your kid(s).
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#9 of 28 Old 08-04-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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Just big .

I have been there, too. I didn't find a solution where we were -- we took a big risk (it paid off, by the way) and moved to be back near friends and family. I am 100x happier -- is this in any way possible for you, too? Since your husband is in computers, could this possibly be a portable profession that would allow to you live near those you love? Life is so short...

If not, I wish for you that you can find peace and joy where you are.
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#10 of 28 Old 08-04-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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same boat! All the like minded people are 50 mins away. Very hard to make friends and family is far far away.

And I also have an activity problem. I live in a metro area (...sprawl, sprawl, sprawl). It was very misleading, so much around me. The grocery store, blockbuster, movie theater, some chain restaurants, all very close. Turns out that everything kid related is minimum 1/2 away (good traffic) and most things are 45 mins, an hour. It is really taxing to constantly be in the car so much. And to make it worse I am in a very conservative area.

Just for example here are some current situations:

No parks near me that have jungle equip, tons of parks but they are all soccer parks. Nearest park with kid area is 30 mins away. And these parks are frequented by coversative types. The granola parks are over an hour away.

Looking for a preschool. The one that is the perfect fit for DS, around the corner, doesnt take exemptions. All the ones that take exemptions are a 35+ min drive. And I can tell from the phone calls, DS will be the only one with an exemption.

Looking for a pediatric dentist. No one around here will let you stay with your 3 yr old. So I have to drive 50 mins to one that accomodates that request. Pediatrician is a 45 min drive.

Gymboree is always mentioned and the three listed in my area are, literally, 45mins away in three different directions. I actually sucked it up and went to one for about 3 months. No one talked to each other and everyone hovered over their kids and wouldnt let their kids play with one another. How do you make friends in that situation?

No library around me. DS is just at that point where he can sit and listen, but we are doing preschool to fill the need/void.

I could go on and on and on.

What I noticed here is that people stick their kid in daycare/preschool from a really early age and then swim in their HOA pools because it is too hot to really do anything else.
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#11 of 28 Old 08-05-2010, 04:43 AM
 
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I do have family and friends nearby but it's still hard. I'm extremely introverted when I'm pregnant so that makes things worse, and everyone seems to be running in different directions doing different things, etc. Also, it seems like even when I do get to go somewhere my little girl is right there with me. I don't get a lot of time away from her, so I do get burnt out. It doesn't help that she is a VERY active toddler right now.

My hubby works long hours during the week, and was doing college coursework too but is on break. I have to force him to sit down and look at fall's semester because how it is now I WILL NOT survive with my sanity in tact.

Tomorrow I'm going to a book fair, with my sister and dad. My hubs is staying home with my daughter, but he does have to go to work right after. So I don't get a lot of away time but I do get a little. I'm thinking about riding in the car to the city with my sister and mom. We are all going (my hubby, daugther, myself, and them) and we're taking seperate vehicles because the hubs and I would like to go our own way afterwards. But even though it's just a small breather, it's still time away from everything, getting to talk to someone without having to stop to correct or help my daughter, etc, and I've been needing that.
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#12 of 28 Old 08-05-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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I feel you. We moved 2500 miles from family and friends five months ago. I've made a few friends, but I am still incredibly lonely and I really miss having family nearby to watch the kiddos every once in a while. I am trying really hard to be involved in lots of activities- for me and for my kids, even though I find it draining. Hoping we can meet lots of people this way.

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#13 of 28 Old 08-05-2010, 12:06 PM
 
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I am an American expat living in Belgium. My dh is an only child and his father is deceased. Not much close family, just his mother. DH works long hours. I am an introvert and not good at meeting people. Plus my Dutch isn't so great.

I am lucky that I have a few good friends I talk to daily on msn. I just wish I could see them more in person. I would just love to have some friends that I could invite over for lunch or whatever.

We are invited to a bbq on Sunday by one of DHs colleagues. There will be five couples there and about ten children. I am so very excited! It has been a long time since we did something like that.

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#14 of 28 Old 08-12-2010, 05:05 PM
 
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So, I don't have family close, my closest relatives are 4 hours away in New York. My parents live in another country. My best friends are now scattered all over the country. I have friends here, but none with children and all with nonchild lives going on,so that is tough.
One of my best friends, my only mom friend, lives about an hour away and we met here when we were pregnant via our ddc. We get together probably 1x per month, because of the distance, but you know what, we chat online everyday. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for hours and it is like having her here with me. It's easier to feel supported and understood because we are going through similar things. I know it is not the same, but it is something and it helps.
We found playgroups at our local maternity store and one at a local toy store that is great. Story times at the library and a yearly pass to the Children's Museum is fantastic to get out of the house. I haven't really made a ton of mommy friends, but just getting out for a few hours really helps keep the depression at bay. That and constantly talking to other moms via connections I have made on my blog! (email me if you want a link up)
I really think the internet can be used for good when all else seems to fail!

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#15 of 28 Old 08-12-2010, 08:54 PM
 
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I really think the internet can be used for good when all else seems to fail!
Yes, I agree in this situation.
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#16 of 28 Old 08-17-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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Yes, I agree in this situation.
Agree as well! If it were not for social networking, I would have no way to communicate as no one likes to talk on the phone anymore!

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#17 of 28 Old 08-24-2010, 12:11 PM
 
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Hi there! I have a 4 year old son and a 10 month old daughter and I am very close to Northern fairfield depending where you are. I am in New Milford. Send me a message!
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#18 of 28 Old 08-24-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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i hate to say it, but its been good to see that i am not the only one stuggling with loneliness. I hope everyone is doing well. My in-laws are coming Sat evening, and leaving Monday morning (Sun is my husband's 40th b-day), and we are going to take a little trip tomorrow (his one day off this week- he will be working when his parents are here) to Des Moines, pick up some diapers from a WAHM and eat out at a veg restaurant and maybe go to the science museum. I am looking forward to time with him.

How is it going for others?
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#19 of 28 Old 08-25-2010, 06:07 AM
 
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Same boat here too...at times I get so sad and depressed, even though I have lots of internet friends, all the friends I have made that lived nearby, ended up moving to other countries! I have such bad luck with that. I still speak to them on skype, but of course it's not quite the same as having a girlfriend to have lunch with or go shopping with.

Also I am quite shy and introverted too, yet I do have the desire to have a group of friends I can feel relaxed with. However it just doesn't seem to happen in this area that I live. It is a very expensive area, and we have never really 'fitted' here, we have not got a lot of money like most people here, and I just don't click with most of the women I have met.

It's so hard to make good friends!

Also my family live in other states, and my DH's family lives nearby but I always feel so alienated from them, because they are just so different from me, and they are a different religion, which believe me, does make it harder!

SAHM to three
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#20 of 28 Old 08-25-2010, 07:31 AM
 
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I know how you feel. We built our own house down here in the boonies, it's been going on 12 years now (we still aren't done finishing the house, lol!). Our neighbors are not ones who we want to hang out with, unfortunately. If you knew them, you would know why. We tried being friendly but most people around here want to stay to themselves. I had this totally insane idea that people in the country were friendly...talk about a myth exploded!

My folks live an hour and a half away, my sister is in another state (we were never close anyway), any friends that I have basically only communicate via email (long distance isn't cheap, and people won't call you even when you call them). I would love to invite more people down here for dinner, etc but our house isn't done, and part of the floor is still particleboard. It makes entertaining hard to do. If your house is finished, maybe try and have some people over for dinner?

I'm sort of disappointed with the people I do know up where I used to live...I'm never invited anywhere, though I have had some people down for dinner (even though my house is a mess!). I had made efforts with ex co worker friends to go up and see them, but then once I'm done with that I rarely hear from them, I'm lucky if I get an email from them. I think that if people aren't isolated, their lives are so busy that they don't even consider that maybe you are isolated. Even my so called 'best' friend, she moved into a new house (close to my parents), and it wasn't until a year later when her baby turned a year old and they had a b-day party that I was 'invited' to come over. Meanwhile her 'other' friends had been over many times. That's par for the course, as they've ignored me many times before, as I recently found out. Oh well.

I guess it's in the stars for me to be forgotten.

Around here, there's not much going on, period. There is a small playground about 5 miles away, but there is never anyone there. DS doesn't seem to care for playgrounds either, even when we took him to one where a bunch of kids were. We just had another baby, so I doubt I'm going to be getting out much, especially with fall/winter around the corner. The only 'big' playground is a half hour drive into town. I guess that's my 'ace in the hole', ha ha!

I'd do volunteer work, but I can't really right now. We won't do the church thing, because most of them are not the type of church we'd want to belong to. I don't really have a specific 'church' belief system anyway.

The way I cope with the loneliness, well I just try to go visit my folks when I can. Except for them, it seems as if there really is no one else I'm friends with anymore. Once you get out of school, people seem to drop off the face of the earth. Any friends I had made when I was a kid either moved away (almost all of them did), or I wasn't allowed to play with my other best friend because her mother wasn't stable.

I did make a friend who I felt very close to a few years ago, she lives only 35 miles away, but she has no money and no car. I went to see her but she lives in a Bad part of town, with drug dealers on the corner, that sort of stuff. She's really sweet though. I count my DH as my best friend, as at least he's around and I can talk to him.

I think many people feel lonely, you can feel alone even in a crowded room. It's hard to find people you truly 'click' with. Just know, you aren't alone!

I bet I'm the thread killer, HA!

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#21 of 28 Old 08-25-2010, 07:46 AM
 
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No way! Let me be the thread killer! I live in the city, but there's not a park within walking distance. I could drive, but that takes some of the spontaneity out of things. Anyway, I know the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. I wish we never had to experience that.
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#22 of 28 Old 08-25-2010, 08:02 AM
 
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No way! Let me be the thread killer! I live in the city, but there's not a park within walking distance. I could drive, but that takes some of the spontaneity out of things. Anyway, I know the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. I wish we never had to experience that.
LOL! Ha, sorry, only room for one Queen O' the Thread killers, hee hee!

Ha, you reminded me, when we lived in the city for almost 5 years, we were isolated there too, our neighbors were messed up, got broken into also. No one was friendly there either, the 'nicest' neighbor we had was the drug dealer behind us, never said a peep or bothered us.

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#23 of 28 Old 08-25-2010, 09:51 PM
 
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I haven't read all the posts, but wanted to sign in here and join the club.

I live in an area where there is lots of opportunity, people, things to do, etc but I am on my own most of the time with my kids, my dh works long hours and my family is not around. Even though we do see people, talk to people, and have places to go, I am alone in being responsible for caring for my kids, doing all the house stuff, and overall feel very alone.

Everyone else I know has lots of help and seems to find parenting very joyful and fun because they're not doing it nonstop. For me it is very challenging, because there is rarely a break. It is hard to be with young children constantly, have no life of my own, barely time to even see or talk to my dh. I feel very isolated, and honestly, while I do have fun times with my kids and feel I should be their primary caregiver and would not rather have them in daycare, it is quite boring for me a lot of the time to push a swing, read baby books, play pretend games, umpteen games of candyland and chutes and ladders, and have kid conversations literally all day every day.
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#24 of 28 Old 09-16-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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I'd liek to join in too! My family is in Australia and DH's is on the West Coast. We've been here 3 years and have no couple friends.

i have met some moms through playgroups. I have to be proactive about making playdates though. I have 1 close girlfriend now. DH has no guy friends and it's sad for me to see that. He's a bit shy socially and won't put himself 'out there' to meet people.

It's really hard to not have family who will help you out or that you can just hang with. In the almost 2 years that we've had kids we have been out at night 3 times for about 2 hours each time - all times when we had in laws/parents visiting or we were in Australia.

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#25 of 28 Old 09-16-2010, 05:46 PM
 
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Ohhh me too!
I moved here last Dec, when I was 7mo pregnant. Also, my DH travels for a week at a time about every other week, so I don't even see him either. I am in perpetual infant and 3yo mode.

My solution? I pestered my good friend from elementary school to not only live in the state, but to live right in my house. She said "I got laid off" and I said "Great! Move in with me!"
I know it can be hard to live with someone, but I am so looking forward to it. I was scraping bottom there for a while.
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#26 of 28 Old 09-17-2010, 06:45 PM
 
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Wow, I could have written a lot of these posts. IMO, nearby family willing to help is the big deal. We're literally the only couple we know IRL w/ no family nearby. It's definitely a drain. I have supportive friends, but none close by, and they have their own small children to deal w/ so it's not like I can drop off my nursing/diaper wearing toddler and go to the mall. If I had any of my family nearby, things would be so. much. easier. And cheaper--a date night would cost us $50 just for the sitter.

And it isn't so much that it's hard to meet people as it is that relationships take time to develop, especially when you only see people sporadically at the park or school pick up line or whatever, unlike a work situation where you're together for 8 hrs a day every day.

I wish I had a solution! I'm glad we moved here for financial reasons (cross country move for DH"s work) , but if we had to do it again, I don't know that I would move away from my family.
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#27 of 28 Old 09-17-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by newbymom05 View Post
Wow, I could have written a lot of these posts. IMO, nearby family willing to help is the big deal. We're literally the only couple we know IRL w/ no family nearby. It's definitely a drain. I have supportive friends, but none close by, and they have their own small children to deal w/ so it's not like I can drop off my nursing/diaper wearing toddler and go to the mall. If I had any of my family nearby, things would be so. much. easier. And cheaper--a date night would cost us $50 just for the sitter.

And it isn't so much that it's hard to meet people as it is that relationships take time to develop, especially when you only see people sporadically at the park or school pick up line or whatever, unlike a work situation where you're together for 8 hrs a day every day.

I wish I had a solution! I'm glad we moved here for financial reasons (cross country move for DH"s work) , but if we had to do it again, I don't know that I would move away from my family.
It's really hard when everyone else you know has family that helps with childcare. That's where we are too. It means I can't even trade childcare, which is of course the advice that's always given. I did once drop my kids off with a friend while I had a dr's appointment that I really couldn't take them too, and I told her that I'd be happy to return the favor. But of course she has family nearby, so why would she bother me? Which means that I feel like I now "owe" her, and have no way to repay her. I'm totally positive that she doesn't care and I'm the only one keeping track of this, so it's just me being somewhat irrational. But it's not like I can keep burdening friends when I never give back, kwim?

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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#28 of 28 Old 09-18-2010, 05:59 AM
 
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Leila whereabouts in Oz are you from? I can imagine how it would be hard for your DH being shy socially. I am not all that outgoing myself so I can empathise!

I live in Sydney....I guess one would think living in a big city means lots of people and therefore heaps of friends, but I think that living in a big city can be just as lonely if not more than living in a smaller community where people can be more friendly, or at least more involved in each other's lives.

SAHM to three
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