I've never posted here. Not sure why. But I have a dilemma, and I'm hoping I can get some advice to give me peace.
I'm a sahm to 5, turning 35 this month. I WOH when my first 2 were little, but when my 3rd was born I quit. I homeschool, do a little wah, and I'm currently taking some classes online toward my 2nd bachelor's degree.
I just had my fifth baby (4th and 5th were HUGE surprises) about a week ago. Dh had been wanting a vasectomy after #3. Last fall I'd finally come to about 75% agreement that our life was pretty complete, and our income struggles made it impractical to keep having kids, so he could go ahead. Then the day before his surgery was first scheduled in Jan I got the BFP. I have VERY horrible pregnancies in the first half, so I stayed on board and he got the surgery in June.
I stayed miserable in pgcy, couldn't wait for it to be over, etc. During labor (I go natural) I told dh that my happy thought was that this was the last time I had to do this. Since then I've had terrible afterpains, worse hemorrhoids and SPD, sore nipples and sleepless nights, and my babies' food allergies make it difficult and expensive to eat.
With all of that, I still find it almost impossible to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to do this again. I suppose it could be hormones, but I know that's not it. I've felt this way for years. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not pg or have a little baby at home. I've been doing this for 10 years, almost a third of my entire life, and pretty much my entire adult life. I don't want to moe on. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom, and I guess I saw myself having babies until I died...
Not only will I miss having a little baby to hold and nurse, which is hard enough and making me cry all the time, but I simply don't know who I am if I don't... How do I figure out how to be someone else? What the heck is wrong with me? Why can everyone else see that not having more kids is what's best for me, but I can't? Why does this have to be so hard...
FAs, co-sleeping, babywearing, extended nursing, positive parenting, homeschooler