do you consider yourself more of a homemaker or a sahp? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 113 Old 11-05-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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i'm not sure. i might go back to work... but not what i went to school for. i might go back to school. heck by the time all my kids are gone, i might be a grandma! (i have a 16 year old and am having baby #6 in jan 2011) who knows.

h

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#62 of 113 Old 11-05-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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Now I'm curious--homemakers, if you didn't have children, would you stay home to craft, create, cook, take care of your husband, the house, etc?
No, I have no interest in those things, and only cook and clean the house because it needs doing. Wait, was that question only for those that call themselves homemakers? Because I don't call myself that.

ETA: Take care of my husband? I just saw that. Ew. I'm not his mom.

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#63 of 113 Old 11-05-2010, 11:07 PM
 
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Now I'm curious--homemakers, if you didn't have children, would you stay home to craft, create, cook, take care of your husband, the house, etc?
I would. My mom still does, even though she's had an empty nest for 14 years.

Before babies, I worked, but I always considered myself a homemaker, too. I just didn't get to do it full time. But, I was always lucky and had odd shifts, so I had time to take care of everything at home, too.
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#64 of 113 Old 11-05-2010, 11:29 PM
 
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No, I have no interest in those things, and only cook and clean the house because it needs doing. Wait, was that question only for those that call themselves homemakers? Because I don't call myself that.

ETA: Take care of my husband? I just saw that. Ew. I'm not his mom.


as much as DH wishes i babied him like his mama, no, i'm not.

i do wish i had more time/space/money to fulfill all my hobby desires, i have NO interest in the cooking/cleaning. i do it cause its there. i am only home cause i believe my kids need me here, and BECAUSE i am a feminist, i want to hs my kids.
if this were an ideal world, dh would wok from home fulltime so he could cook dinner every night. he is a better cook and enjoys it. i do, though,like baking.
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#65 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 09:54 AM
 
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I don't "baby" my DH-but I do care for him. I make meals and do his laundry. And I don't understand why that's "ew".

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#66 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 11:45 AM
 
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Homemaker, definitely! I wish I were better at it, though It's 11am and I'm not even dressed (but hey, it's the weekend, right?!)
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#67 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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Oh, and if I didn't have kids, would I still be a homemaker? Probably. I might pursue a career someday, after the kids are grown, but if I don't, I'm happy to continue to be a homemaker, and I don't balk at the idea of taking care of my dh (he takes care of me, and I take care of him )
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#68 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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I don't "baby" my DH-but I do care for him. I make meals and do his laundry. And I don't understand why that's "ew".
i agree with this. it isn't "EW" to care for all the members of your household. my dh cares for me too, is that ew?

h

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#69 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 08:40 PM
 
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Now I'm curious--homemakers, if you didn't have children, would you stay home to craft, create, cook, take care of your husband, the house, etc?
Totally. I love learning. I will still be a homemaker once our kids have left the home. I will visit them when they need me. I will still be caring for our home for DH and I and when visitors come over. I will still be gardening, creating, knitting, ect. I'll probably actually have time to make a quilt or two. Take a photography class or two.

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#70 of 113 Old 11-06-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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Now I'm curious--homemakers, if you didn't have children, would you stay home to craft, create, cook, take care of your husband, the house, etc?
Yes. Well, that's a hard question. I am a registered nurse, so had we never had children, I would have worked 3 days a week like always probably. Maybe not though.

I think I will go back to college when my kids are older for feminist anthropology or maybe midwifery. But not to make a career out of it... Just because the subject(s) fascinate me.

But I could be happy to paint all day too. So I could see me doing nothing but homemaking/painting once the kids are grown.

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#71 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 10:42 AM
 
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Now I'm curious--homemakers, if you didn't have children, would you stay home to craft, create, cook, take care of your husband, the house, etc?
I think that sounds downright dreamy and am planning on it when the kids are older. We have a flock of chickens and a huge organic garden and a large ever-evolving landscaped yard to care for, and I'd like to get some goats and some pigs here in the next 6 months or so. So, I guess I'd be homemaking the homestead We also like to eat really well and TF so it would be really nice to be able to dedicate more time to all that. I LOVE to cook and before kids would really enjoy spending several hours on a meal while drinking a glass of wine I fantasize about the day I can do that again.

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ETA: Take care of my husband? I just saw that. Ew. I'm not his mom.
In our family we all take care of each other. We all work as a team. I think it's positive and healthy to recognize how much we do take care of each other. In fact I feel very fortunate to have a happy family to take care of, and they of me. I thank my lucky stars every day.

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#72 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 11:39 AM
 
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Barring financial difficulties, I would still be home if we had no children. Though, probably getting into cottage industry business stuff rather than "just" homemaking.

And I am not ashamed to say I'd still do things just to "take care" of my hubby. I enjoy getting him a cup of tea, and making meals he will like, and keepin our home a comfortable place to live. We take care of each other. I'm good at stuff on the homemaking front, he's good at other stuff, so even though we're doing different things, the weight of responsibility and care is well distributed.
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#73 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I have no idea what I am called or what others may think I am.

In my home, DH and I share responsibilities. He cooks, I clean up. He puts a load of laundry in the wash, I hang or put it in the dryer. I love that we are equals in our home.

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#74 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 01:53 PM
 
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I totally agree with the taking care of husband=ew. He is a grown man and does not need someone in the home specifically to cater to his needs. DS is young and can't even change his own clothes, so obviously does need to be taken care of. Can't conflate the two!

Once DS does not need fulltime care I'm going to be taking care of myself by picking up my rewarding and fulfilling career. I.don't.like.staying at home. Bleah.
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#75 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 02:07 PM
 
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Some of us do take care of our husbands. Not everyone's husband is "fit as a fiddle". It makes me feel a little sad to see some of you saying "ew". I'm sure you're husbands are perfectly able to take care of themselves and the rest of the family with no problems. But, please remember that it's not the case for all of us.

I do a lot more around the house than I used to, because there are things my husband can not do. Or I don't want him doing, because I know it will lead to pain, which will lead to him retreating and spending less time with the family.

That said, if we didn't have kids, I would have probably had a few short-term jobs until I was ready to go to college, and I guess I would have tried to build a career from there. But, we always planned on kids, and always planned on me staying home. So I never gave much thought to what else I wanted to do

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#76 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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My problem is that I signed up to be a SAHP and DH thinks I'm a housewife. It is the source of endless negotiation and arguing about every single moment in my life. I hate it so much and it's really stolen my kids' childhood.

Crafts? Are you kidding? Who does crafts? I don't even have room for my craft stuff, his junk takes up every spare space in our house. I don't even have time to pick up all of his crap. Threads like this make me realize how awful I have it. At least if I was working outside of the home someone, someday, would say thank you.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#77 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 03:17 PM
 
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I have been married for 15 years. I worked for the first two years of our marriage until we had our first baby. My kids are 12 (almost 13), 11 and 9 now. I haven't worked outside the home since I had my first and I think over the years my roll has changed. When my kids were babies/toddlers/preschoolers I would have said I'm a sahm, I spent more time parenting than looking after the house. As my kids became school-age and I started homeschooling I would have said I was a homeschooling mom, because I was more preoccupied with homeschooling than anything else.

Now that my kids are getting older and a bit more independent with their schboolwork and chores I feel like I finally have some extra time to look after the house, bake, cook and pursue some of my own crafts (that don't include the kids So I guess now I can finally say I'm a homemaker.

If I didn't have children I would probably work, at least part-time.

I do love doing things for my dh, even though he is a grown man and is fully capable of taking care of himself, I think it just makes our relationship stronger to do special little things for each other.
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#78 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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ok so here is a question for all the ewww people... do you wash all your stuff, your kids stuff and then leave your dh's clothes in a pile? do you make your food, food for the kids and then just leave him to make his own dinner?
i just don't see that as doing more work to actually throw in clothing into a load i am already doing, or to make one more plate of food. i know when dh is doing the wash or making lunch he also gets me a plate of food or washes my clothes. how is that doing more work? it is just doing the work that needs to be done.

maybe in my house we just enjoy doing stuff for each other. YES i tend to do more then he does but i am home most of the day so i can get more done. if when he comes home and i have had a rough day dh makes diner, will fold the clothing, brings me a glass of water, whatever. just like when he comes home from a rough day i will do something nice for him. i don't see it as demeaning to care for people i love. my older kids are completely capable of doing alot of stuff themselves and they do, but i also find joy in helping them out. and in return they help me out.
how could i say we all help each other and then leave dh out of that?

h

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#79 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 05:12 PM
 
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ok so here is a question for all the ewww people... do you wash all your stuff, your kids stuff and then leave your dh's clothes in a pile? do you make your food, food for the kids and then just leave him to make his own dinner?
i just don't see that as doing more work to actually throw in clothing into a load i am already doing, or to make one more plate of food. i know when dh is doing the wash or making lunch he also gets me a plate of food or washes my clothes. how is that doing more work? it is just doing the work that needs to be done.

maybe in my house we just enjoy doing stuff for each other. YES i tend to do more then he does but i am home most of the day so i can get more done. if when he comes home and i have had a rough day dh makes diner, will fold the clothing, brings me a glass of water, whatever. just like when he comes home from a rough day i will do something nice for him. i don't see it as demeaning to care for people i love. my older kids are completely capable of doing alot of stuff themselves and they do, but i also find joy in helping them out. and in return they help me out.
how could i say we all help each other and then leave dh out of that?

h
To me what you describe is different than "taking care of the husband." Its a family all chipping in to make sure the household runs smoothly, and it has nothing to do with anyone staying at home at all. Yes when I do laundry I wash everyone's clothes, as does my husband. He washes all the dishes when he washes them etc. But in no way do I view my role as "taking care of him", rather I am staying at home right now to take care of my son who actually needs the care. Since that is the point of this thread (homemaker or SAHP) I would think that connection would be fairly obvious.

I know and have read about way too many men who feel that the woman in the house is there to meet the man's needs, and that the man's needs trump the needs of the kids or the family unit (much less the needs of the SAHW). To this I say ewww. Hello 1950's! .

I guess its a product of my own upbringing, but the thought of my role being that of making my house a personal disneyland for my husband makes me want to vomit. My mom tried to do this for my dad and it was never enough for him. They ended up divorcing when I was 11 and my mom has been bitter ever since. And I learned that homemaking altruism has a very bad ending...so I insist that all responsibilities be shared and that everyone in the household be able and willing to participate in all things. I think this will be a good environment in which to raise a small guy without oogy male entitlement (or at least that is my hope).

I guess to clarify I do not see doing nice things for my husband as part of my role. Sometimes I do them because I want to, but I am in no way obligated to y'know?
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#80 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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To me what you describe is different than "taking care of the husband." Its a family all chipping in to make sure the household runs smoothly, and it has nothing to do with anyone staying at home at all. Yes when I do laundry I wash everyone's clothes, as does my husband. He washes all the dishes when he washes them etc. But in no way do I view my role as "taking care of him", rather I am staying at home right now to take care of my son who actually needs the care. Since that is the point of this thread (homemaker or SAHP) I would think that connection would be fairly obvious.

I know and have read about way too many men who feel that the woman in the house is there to meet the man's needs, and that the man's needs trump the needs of the kids or the family unit (much less the needs of the SAHW). To this I say ewww. Hello 1950's! .

I guess its a product of my own upbringing, but the thought of my role being that of making my house a personal disneyland for my husband makes me want to vomit. My mom tried to do this for my dad and it was never enough for him. They ended up divorcing when I was 11 and my mom has been bitter ever since. And I learned that homemaking altruism has a very bad ending...so I insist that all responsibilities be shared and that everyone in the household be able and willing to participate in all things. I think this will be a good environment in which to raise a small guy without oogy male entitlement (or at least that is my hope).

I guess to clarify I do not see doing nice things for my husband as part of my role. Sometimes I do them because I want to, but I am in no way obligated to y'know?
This attitude is what I run up against all the time when I say I am a homemaker.

Being a homemaker and caring for your family, including your husband, doesn't make you a maid. It doesn't mean the husband doesn't contribute to the household. It doesn't mean I tramps around the house while my husband rings a bell for tea. It means that I make sure the needs of everyone in my house are met, to the best of my abilities, that we have a clean, warm and inviting home for us and guests to enjoy, and that I'm always around for my children and husband.

My husband and I have traditional roles, and he is the head of the house. That in no way means that his needs "trump" anyone elses. It's in no way an "oogy male environment". My husband and children respect that while my duties are different then theirs, they are equally, if not more so, important.

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#81 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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This attitude is what I run up against all the time when I say I am a homemaker.

Being a homemaker and caring for your family, including your husband, doesn't make you a maid. It doesn't mean the husband doesn't contribute to the household. It doesn't mean I tramps around the house while my husband rings a bell for tea. It means that I make sure the needs of everyone in my house are met, to the best of my abilities, that we have a clean, warm and inviting home for us and guests to enjoy, and that I'm always around for my children and husband.

My husband and I have traditional roles, and he is the head of the house. That in no way means that his needs "trump" anyone elses. It's in no way an "oogy male environment". My husband and children respect that while my duties are different then theirs, they are equally, if not more so, important.

Yup. Totally agree. Except my husband would probably crack up if I said he was head of the house. It would just be funny to us to say that. We both feel equal as a team.

I think it comes down to picking the right mate. I can't imagine why any woman (who didn't want it) would pick a demeaning, demanding, jerk of a husband. We are liberated people! We get to pick our own mates, as far as I know there isn't much arranged marriage in these parts, kwim?

The hostility of some of these comments is really sad to me.

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#82 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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I enjoy being a homemaker and mother. I too love to cook/bake, etc etc. I hope to never return to the working world I'm HSing my kids and hope to through high school. However, I do love to educate people about things I'm passionate about (cding, bwing, erfing, etc) and enjoy the adult interactions that brings.

I feel blessed that my hubby works hard to provide for our family and that I get to stay at home and raise our children. It's not Disneyland by any means, but a pan of homemade brownies sure does put a smile on his face My hubby can and will take care of himself and our children. He's not some lowly, helpless man. He's proud to be self-sufficient, but he also loves to be taken care of. I think we all enjoy being taken care of, no matter our age, sex, or role in the family.

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#83 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 07:03 PM
 
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ok so here is a question for all the ewww people... do you wash all your stuff, your kids stuff and then leave your dh's clothes in a pile? do you make your food, food for the kids and then just leave him to make his own dinner? h

#1 Clothing. His clothes are not washed with ours. He works around grease, oil and smokes over a pack of cigs a day. If those clothes were washed with our clothes, or in a pile or hamper with our clothes, our health would be affected. We have asthma and allergies, he doesn't.

#2 He's not home when we are for meals. He doesn't like what we eat and I don't like touching meat, which he does like to eat. So no, I don't cook for him. I will put out some meat to thaw in the fridge for him to handle when he gets home, but by the time he's coming home, I'm preparing the kids for bed with baths and reading time.

As far as the ew goes, that is in reference to not taking care of my husband in the sense of doing things for him that a parent would do for a child. He takes care of his own personal hygeine, meals, and clothes. Again, I'm not his mom, I'm his wife.

We still do things for each other to show we care for each other, but this in no ways involves taking care of the other person's personal needs. I couldn't respect my spouse if he was requiring that kind of mothering attention.

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#84 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 08:37 PM
 
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This attitude is what I run up against all the time when I say I am a homemaker.

Being a homemaker and caring for your family, including your husband, doesn't make you a maid. It doesn't mean the husband doesn't contribute to the household. It doesn't mean I tramps around the house while my husband rings a bell for tea. It means that I make sure the needs of everyone in my house are met, to the best of my abilities, that we have a clean, warm and inviting home for us and guests to enjoy, and that I'm always around for my children and husband.

My husband and I have traditional roles, and he is the head of the house. That in no way means that his needs "trump" anyone elses. It's in no way an "oogy male environment". My husband and children respect that while my duties are different then theirs, they are equally, if not more so, important.
I am glad it works for your family. Like I said in my previous post it does not work for mine because of the experiences surrounding my parents' divorce. I like having a clean, warm, inviting home too (who doesn't?) I just don't see it as only my job to provide it.

I would just like to point out that you misquoted me...I never made reference to an "oogy male environment," but to "oogy male entitlement" which is a whole different beastie . What I mean by that is men who thinks things like dishes and cooking are womens' work and nothing they should have to worry about. Guys like this have trouble taking care of themselves if left to their own devices, and this is not something I wish for my son. So we model for him what we want him to learn...a household where all domestic responsibility is shared.

All families have different needs. The man as head of household wouldn't work for my family , but if it works for yours, great.

To a PP: As to the sadness towards the negative tone...I don't get it. What specifically are you sad about and why?
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#85 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 09:09 PM
 
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Yup. Totally agree. Except my husband would probably crack up if I said he was head of the house. It would just be funny to us to say that. We both feel equal as a team.

I think it comes down to picking the right mate. I can't imagine why any woman (who didn't want it) would pick a demeaning, demanding, jerk of a husband. We are liberated people! We get to pick our own mates, as far as I know there isn't much arranged marriage in these parts, kwim?

The hostility of some of these comments is really sad to me.
i get what you are saying. i don't think many said that they were a slave to their man. that is where i get confused on the "ew" factor. it makes me feel a bit sad too.
if the word/s homemaker make you feel all yucky and SAMP doesn't, then use SAHP. i love the word/idea of being a homemaker because honestly that is what i am. like i stated before i make these four walls a home. that is something totally different then a house. (IMHO)
maybe it is like the "B" word, it can be taking as totally demeaning OR you can take it as empowering. sure homemaker can bring visions of some surpressed(sp) 1950's woman whose husband demands this and that. OR it can mean someone who lovingly cares for the house and all those in it (even the husband). and i don't think less of my husband because i wash his clothing, or fix his dinner. i do these things because i love him.
and i am so grateful that he has taken on a job (2 actually) that aren't his idea of dream jobs so that i can stay home. it has taken years for us to get to this point. so yes, i buy the coffee he likes, and make meals he enjoys and wash his clothing. BUT i also know that he would do the same for me if the situation was switched. so maybe it is more to do with who you married? i don't know.

h

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#86 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 09:30 PM
 
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I am glad it works for your family. Like I said in my previous post it does not work for mine because of the experiences surrounding my parents' divorce. I like having a clean, warm, inviting home too (who doesn't?) I just don't see it as only my job to provide it.

I would just like to point out that you misquoted me...I never made reference to an "oogy male environment," but to "oogy male entitlement" which is a whole different beastie . What I mean by that is men who thinks things like dishes and cooking are womens' work and nothing they should have to worry about. Guys like this have trouble taking care of themselves if left to their own devices, and this is not something I wish for my son. So we model for him what we want him to learn...a household where all domestic responsibility is shared.

All families have different needs. The man as head of household wouldn't work for my family , but if it works for yours, great.

To a PP: As to the sadness towards the negative tone...I don't get it. What specifically are you sad about and why?
I've never said that all domestic responsibility is mine, nor that my DH doesn't do dishes or laundry. He certainly does help out with those things as needed, and he's happy to. I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with traditional marriage, it's a tragedy. Just please becareful that you don't assume all experiences are as awful.

As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.

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Being a homemaker, to me, is doing what I love. My dh doe all the laundry, I put it away. We both do dishes, we both clean, we both make dinners.

But I looooove to cook and I loooove to paint and craft and I really love to be able to sit and read and knit.

I have a lot of childless feminist friends that have no idea what to think of me- and my life choices have put a huge strain on our relationships. They think what I do is mindless & unfullfulling... Where I look at their lives and think "I would never want that again!"

I think the way your partner treats you makes a difference. My husband worships me practically. If he came home to a disaster house day after day he wouldn't bat an eye as long as we were happy.

We were both raised by feminist single mothers that were fiercely independent and incredibly successful in their careers. We both agree that for us, as children, we missed our moms, we both also look back and wish that they could have been more involved.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.
Well put.

I do the same for my sons. They are learning to cook, bake, sew, clean, etc. Because, quite differently from the assumption, having "traditional" roles in our house is not about the male being a pampered king and the female being chattel.

Dh does 99.9% of the income earning. I do 99.9% of the homemaking. If we can, we help each other out with those categories (he goes above and beyond when I'm sick and pregnant, and if I can find a way to earn some money that doesn't take me away from home, I do it). But we are both taking on big responsibilities that are important and valuable to the well-being of our family. He *could* make his own meals (he does now, actually, since he's out of the country ). And I could go work and bring in more income. But the idea of not making enough food for him to eat reasoning that it's "because he can make his own #%$* food, he's not my kid" is just not something I can wrap my mind around. I cook full family meals. Why would I deliberately make sure not to cook enough for him? How would making enough for the whole family be "babying" him? Or not tossing his clothes in the laundry when I'm down there doing laundry anyway. That would be just as spiteful of me to do as it would be spiteful of him to say "I'm the one working, the money is *mine*. If you want some cash, go get a job".

ETA: Disclaimer, I am *not* saying if things are arranged differently in your house that you're spiteful. I'm saying that in my marriage, the only thing that would lead to me deliberately making sure that I never "took care" of my husband would be a spiteful attitude towards him. I simply can think of no rational reason for me to purposely separate him out from the family as I do the things that are percieved as "caregiving".
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Also, for those that think "ew"- if you worked full time and dh stayed home with the kids and you came home night after night to a super clean, organize house with dinner cooked and muffins in the oven, would you really day "ew stop doing thy, I'm a grown woman, I can do that myself"

Because I can't imagine thinking that I would want my husband to stop pampering me. He rubs my feet and fetches me wine and brings me home presents and buys me hard to find Sylvia Plath and Kerouac books.... Lol.

I'm never like "ew, quit being my daddy I can do it myself"


I'm being half silly. But half serious. I feel like this attitude Is a product of sexism. Traditional "womans work" is degrading- because being a woman is degrading, to be respected as men are we should work and produce like men do?

I rather like to think that we can all just fill our cups with whatever we love and be free to choose our lives work without invoking feelings of disgust.




The ew comment are degrading to fellow women who enjoy their lives as traditional wives.

As long as no one is forcing or manipulating them into it...Kwim?

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#90 of 113 Old 11-07-2010, 11:15 PM
 
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I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with traditional marriage, it's a tragedy. Just please becareful that you don't assume all experiences are as awful.

I guess I don't know what you mean by "traditional marriage." My experience with my Catholic parents marriage was awful (and since they got kicked out of the church for being divorced it taught me things about religion as well), but MY marriage is awesome. Different boundaries and expectations needed to be set is all. I don't think of that as a tragedy but as a lesson well learned. Plus I clearly have much better taste in men than my mom did.


As far as your comments about what your teaching your son, I teach my son whatever he wants to learn. At 2.5 he bakes and cleans his room and makes is own bed. Just because he's male doesn't mean I don't teach him to care for himself, even though I do hope that he has a wife someday to care for him. I think you've made some assumptions about traditional roles that aren't true in most cases. We have mutual respect for each other-including the respect that God created us equal but different.
Well your son is still young, but I hope the things he learns will not always be just what he wants to do...but things he has to do. My husband grew up in a home with very traditional roles and was never taught to cook. He learned much later on his own, but lacks important basic knowledge that his mom never passed down. His dad can't cook at all; can't even boil water for pasta, which I find really odd. I think these types of strictly enforced gender roles are not empowering for men.


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Well put.

I do the same for my sons. They are learning to cook, bake, sew, clean, etc. Because, quite differently from the assumption, having "traditional" roles in our house is not about the male being a pampered king and the female being chattel.

They are learning these things which is great...but the example you are setting for them is that the woman does 99% of the work in the home. Therefore the woman is supposed to do 99% of the work in the home. Someday that is what they will expect from the woman they marry. Hopefully they find someone that finds that empowering, and not someone like me who does not.
...

But the idea of not making enough food for him to eat reasoning that it's "because he can make his own #%$* food, he's not my kid" is just not something I can wrap my mind around. I cook full family meals. Why would I deliberately make sure not to cook enough for him? How would making enough for the whole family be "babying" him? Or not tossing his clothes in the laundry when I'm down there doing laundry anyway. That would be just as spiteful of me to do as it would be spiteful of him to say "I'm the one working, the money is *mine*. If you want some cash, go get a job".

You are creating a straw man argument here. I do not believe that anyone is saying this is the way it should be. In fact I think I have made pretty clear that each family needs to create their own system and their own expectations that works for them. In my family expectations are shared, because otherwise I would feel like chattel. You are free to have a different worldview .

ETA: Disclaimer, I am *not* saying if things are arranged differently in your house that you're spiteful. I'm saying that in my marriage, the only thing that would lead to me deliberately making sure that I never "took care" of my husband would be a spiteful attitude towards him. I simply can think of no rational reason for me to purposely separate him out from the family as I do the things that are percieved as "caregiving".

and all I am saying is that the "caregiving" of my husband is not something I feel obligated to do because of my at-home role. I do things for him because I love him...same as many of y'all
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Also, for those that think "ew"- if you worked full time and dh stayed home with the kids and you came home night after night to a super clean, organize house with dinner cooked and muffins in the oven, would you really day "ew stop doing thy, I'm a grown woman, I can do that myself"

Well we have been in a situation where I worked full time and DH was (unemployed) at home all day. I never expected much of him during that time honestly. When he made dinner it was great because I was working 12 hour days and was pretty braindead. But if he didn't we got into the kitchen together and worked things out. If it had been as you describe I would have felt odd...honestly.

Because I can't imagine thinking that I would want my husband to stop pampering me. He rubs my feet and fetches me wine and brings me home presents and buys me hard to find Sylvia Plath and Kerouac books.... Lol.

That is pretty awesome, but again he does it because he loves you, not because it is part of his expected role. That makes a huge difference to me.

I'm never like "ew, quit being my daddy I can do it myself"


I'm being half silly. But half serious. I feel like this attitude Is a product of sexism. Traditional "womans work" is degrading- because being a woman is degrading, to be respected as men are we should work and produce like men do?

I rather like to think that we can all just fill our cups with whatever we love and be free to choose our lives work without invoking feelings of disgust.



The ew comment are degrading to fellow women who enjoy their lives as traditional wives.

As long as no one is forcing or manipulating them into it...Kwim?

Well I agree with this last, but it would still be ew to me to think of my husband like that...or to think it was my responsibility to take care of him.

What I see here is that many of you have chosen the homemaker lifestyle, and are actively defining it, which is great. As long as it is you creating the expectations, and not your husband, or his mother or society. I am free to do the same I think...and I have not chosen to be a homemaker (because like it or not the terminology gives me the willies) but a SAHM...for now...even though I do not enjoy it.
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