What expectations does your WOH partner have of you? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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In terms of what gets done around the house aside from child- related stuff... Dishes, bills, cleaning, etc.

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#2 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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Right now, I do *everything* but that is because he is away.

My goals as a SAHP are:

happy kids
appropriate homeschooling for school-aged kids
meals
clean house

My goal is to make sure that by the time DH is around, all the 'work' of maintaining the house/family is done. That way, we're both free to enjoy the kids/each other without the stress of the mundane tasks.

Bills- I'm kind of a money control freak, mostly because right now we don't have much. I pay all the bills.


I find that, once you get into a good rhythm, you can *easily* maintain the house and do all the 'stuff' in the time your partner is WOH.
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#3 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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he has zero expectations. really and truly.

if i played all day and the house was a disaster and he had to cook and clean he wouldnt care. he says all the time " i just want everyone relaxed and happy"

that said- i do everything. i really enjoy it.

i like having dinner ready to eat when he walks in and i love having a clean house... so i do it. i pay the bills because im organized and he is forgetful.

but last night he cleaned the kitchen and did laundry before bed... we just take it as it comes.

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#4 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 02:09 PM
 
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Zero expectations here too (except for keeping the kid safe obviously). Sometimes I have dinner ready but its pretty rare. Usually dinner happens after he gets home...sometimes he makes it sometimes I do. Major housecleaning happens on the weekends and we both participate. I clean up toys about thirty billiion times a day and I provide entertainment and supervision. That's about it (and enough to keep me tired all the time ).
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#5 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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As I read other responses, i realized that I had listed MY expectations, not his.

His expectations are pretty simple- he wants us to enjoy ourselves. He has happily stepped in to make all the meals and do all the housework when I have been unable (for any reason).

I think one thing that makes it easier for me to want to do all the work is that my DH really doesn't expect or demand anything of me.
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#6 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by confustication View Post

I think one thing that makes it easier for me to want to do all the work is that my DH really doesn't expect or demand anything of me.
absolutely.

my dh wakes up super early and goes to work without ever once complaining even a little. He comes home and is more than happy to jump in and help if I need it.

I think i would probably do less if I felt like my husband had an agenda for me or held a list of things he expected be done while he was gone.

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#7 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 03:50 PM
 
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Dh has fairly low expectations for what we agreed I would do as the sahm prior to marriage. He expects me to do what we agreed on, just as he does what he agreed to do (work very, very hard so that I can stay home).

But he doesn't have a lot of specifics and isn't too picky.

He expects...
--the children to be well cared for, and taught well (we homeschool)
--the house not to be a wreck
--that we eat something healthy at regular meal times.

How I get it done, he doesn't really care, and the children are the priority. He's not picky about things being perfect cleaning wise, he just doesn't like obvious filth and clutter. He'd eat rice and boiled veggies every night if I served it.

And truthfully, he doesn't demand anything. I know he has these expectations because we discussed them thoroughly when courting, and neither of us has changed in our beliefs about how we want to run our family. If things are heading on a downhill slope, he might ask me what's going on. If I'm sick or something, he'll jump in. But since when he's home (he's out of the country at the moment) he's working 60-80 hours a week doing *hard* work, so I don't feel at all put upon to be doing what I consider a fairly easy job, though it is a 24/7 job.
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#8 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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She expects that our baby has her needs met throughout the day... and that is about it. Even when we have a rough day though, she's more than happy to step in and do some of the housework or cooking. That being said, I manage the budget, shopping and bills, to the vast majority of the housework and laundry, and plan and cook the vast majority of meals. She spends lots of time working outside of the home so we can have money to live, and she is working on her Master's degree. When she is home during evenings and weekends, she spends a lot of time with our daughter. It works out pretty well and I appreciate that she is grateful for the things I do, rather than having high expectations for my accomplishments.

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#9 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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I don't think he has any expectations of me. His comfort level in a dirty house is way higher than mine. I'm not obsessive, but I do like some semblance of order, therefore there are things I feel is important to be done, because I would do these things whether I was married or not, SAH or WOH. If he has expectations, I don't know about them.

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#10 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tallulahma View Post

if i played all day and the house was a disaster and he had to cook and clean he wouldnt care. he says all the time " i just want everyone relaxed and happy"
this is us too, although he does expect some of me. i could say he doesn't care, but if i stopped doing what i do-it would get on his nerves eventually. i do all laundry, pay all bills, most all cleaning and mon-fri meals. he helps on weekends.

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#11 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 09:50 PM
 
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I have gone back and forth between sahm and wohm (hoping to go back to sahm again soon or nearly that anyway). In my sahm times, DH expects that the kids' needs be met, and that they have clean clothing. That's about it. He's willing to cook, wash his own clothing, do dishes, whatever, as long as the kids are well cared for.

He doesn't clean other than the bathtub, but then, his comfort level for dirtiness is way higher than mine. Which is a benefit when I have a really bad day and he comes home to a house strewn with messiness on every surface.

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#12 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 09:53 PM
 
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My DH expects for me to keep the house clean, make dinner, do the laundry, errands, grocery shop, some home maintenance, take care of the baby. I don't know, just about everything? But then, he works full time, and he's going to school. Also, if something's not done, he will take care of it if I ask him (he's often unaware of what needs to be done, like not noticing dirty dishes, or a messy room). The garage is his to keep tidy, and the yard his to maintain.
But, I am happy to do this in exchange for staying home!
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#13 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 10:44 PM
 
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He just expects that the kids will be alive and the house still standing when he gets off work. If the dishes are done and I have a plan for dinner, it's a bonus.

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#14 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 10:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~ View Post
His comfort level in a dirty house is way higher than mine.
Definitely same here. He does the after-supper dishes and helps with larger chores and lots of other things on weekends. I take care of baby, laundry, money, and supper on weekdays, but even if I didn't get those things done, I'd care far more than he would.
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#15 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 11:16 PM
 
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He just expects that the kids will be alive and the house still standing when he gets off work. If the dishes are done and I have a plan for dinner, it's a bonus.
This is my DH, too. The only thing aside from childcare that he absolutely insists on is having iced tea made.
Obviously, tea is not that difficult to make, so I consider myself fortunate.

eta: I do make dinner most nights, but on the nights I just don't feel like it, he doesn't mind if we order out.
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#16 of 35 Old 10-06-2010, 11:35 PM
 
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No expectations here either. My job is to look after our baby, his job is to go to work, we share the rest. And, on the days he doesn't work, we share the baby care as well.

That said, *I* feel better if I can keep the major dumping surfaces (kitchen bench, dining table, coffee table) tidy, the dishes done and do at least one houeswork thing (washing, bathroom, floors etc) each day. I also cook on the days he works but I almost always do it when he gets home and he has J while I'm cooking.

I would love to be able to do more around the house but, for now, spending time with J and meeting her needs is the priority for both of us.

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#17 of 35 Old 10-07-2010, 12:55 AM
 
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I have a DH that does have come expectations.. He expects that I take care of the kids during the day, do all the household stuff, make dinner (or at least have a dinner suggestion), pay the bills, buy the groceries, maintain the budget, keep the garden, feed the pets, etc. He works very hard for our family and I expect him to get up every day and go to work, to maintain the yard, and help with the kids. If I did not to the laundry or make dinner they wouldn't get done. It works well for both of us.

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#18 of 35 Old 10-07-2010, 08:58 AM
 
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Mine does definitely have expectations, but it's very prioritized...

1) Care for the kids
2) Keep the budget and pay the bills
3) Cooking and cleaning

He doesn't like flip out if the house isn't spotless, and he's not unwilling to wash a sink of dishes or throw in a load of laundry. But he works a lot, six days a week usually, and his job is hard physically. So that's kind of my expectations for him-- to go to work every day and bring home enough money to take care of the family. I do most everything else around the house.

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#19 of 35 Old 10-07-2010, 09:49 AM
 
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His main expectations:

Caring for DS
Making sure there is food in the fridge
Making sure he has clean clothes

Oh, and planning everything we need to and would like to do. For example: Birthday parties, dinners, vacations, and other activities...I take care of all the specifics, he just shows up.

I keep up with the laundry, dishes, and general household tasks while caring the best I can for our DS. He works 60ish hours a week, his area of the house is the back porch, inside and out and taking care of the garbage/recycling and the bills.

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#20 of 35 Old 10-07-2010, 10:39 AM
 
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He will say he doesn't have any expectations, but that's not true. He says that when I complain that he expects too much, or that I feel overwhelmed. But, if things don't get done, he complains that I don't do enough and I should get a job since I'm not doing anything. *sigh*

So, really, he expects.....
Food to be purchased and prepared, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, everyday.
Laundry to be kept up. Sheets to be changed regularly. Towels to be replenished regularly.
House to be fairly decent. He cares less about things like the bathroom and more about the main living spaces. Additionally, we have a dog that chews anything left out, and DH always wants the dog out at night, so I have to pick up the whole house constantly.
Kid duties to be dealt with. I bathe them, do homework with DS1, put kids to bed, handle most squabbles and issues, etc.
Dog stuff.
Most car maintenance.
Anything the yard needs.
Bills.
And miscellaneous things that he comes up with that he insists need to be done RIGHT NOW.
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#21 of 35 Old 10-07-2010, 10:49 AM
 
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Kids
Food
School/doctor/activities for kids
House cleaning
Laundry

He helps when he can but he works long hours so it's mostly on me. He did say if it gets to be too much we could hire someone to clean the house, but at this point I'd rather do it myself.
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#22 of 35 Old 10-08-2010, 12:14 AM
 
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He expects me to feed and care for the kids and also to pay the bills, which I do online at the beginning of the month. If I cook dinner and clean, that's a bonus.

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#23 of 35 Old 10-08-2010, 03:14 AM
 
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I asked my DH and he said his only expectation is that I love and nurture our children. BUT...I think I'm expected to make sure food and clean clothes are available, as well as maintain our daily finances, the children's calendar, and impose a cleaning routine that prevents chaos.

If he came home and dinner wasn't planned/ready or the house was a wreck, he wouldn't complain, but he certainly isn't calling me every night to check who's making dinner or asking who's going to wash the whites. And I was going to write he's always willing to help--which he is--but the fact that I use the word "help" implies that it's my responsibility.

OTOH I expect to have money in our account, now and in the future (retirement, etc) plus his full participation in child duties when he's at home. I pretty much have the final say in what happens regarding household matters. It works for us.
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#24 of 35 Old 10-08-2010, 03:39 AM
 
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DH expects me to take care of our DS, first and foremost. The way we look at it is that the child and the apartment are ours, so we both have equal responsibility. Obviously, since I am home most of the time I do as much as I can during the day, but when DH comes home he jumps in and does housework or looks after DS. He does expect me to manage the budget because he has no money skills whatsoever. Also, DH does not look at being a SAHP as an easy job at all, which I think makes a difference in his expectations. My dad was the exact opposite when I was growing up and expected my mom to do everything.

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#25 of 35 Old 10-08-2010, 02:28 PM
 
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Honestly, he doesn't *expect* anything. He's only concerned w/ our daughter and that her needs are met and we are both happy and healthy. Other than that, whatever I get done is a bonus. I mean, don't get me wrong - I do more than nothing, LOL. Dishes, cooking, laundry, paying bills, buying groceries, that kind of thing .. but he doesn't EXPECT anything. If he comes home and the house is a mess and toys are everywhere ... no big deal. He's not a very demanding type of person and it's a good darn thing because I'd have a lot (of not nice stuff!) to say if my husband insisted I got a specific *list* of things done each day.

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#26 of 35 Old 10-08-2010, 02:52 PM
 
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To say 'expect' it gives me the impression of a dominant husband who lays out the rules for the household and all it's members....and gives me the creeps as well.

He runs his companies outside the house, that's his domain, the meetings, the deals etc....But the house? That's my domain. He doesn't have to expect anything from me, I expect it from myself.
I expect that I'll feed, clothe and care for my children everyday while he's away to the very best of my ability, (although some days the clothes don't match and the lunch is waffles ) as well as keep things clean and somewhat tidy, to run my home business in a professional manner, to keep mealtimes interesting and tasty, and, out of respect for him and his schedule, make sure he has two clean black socks - not nessessarily matching - every morning.
And, if for some reason nothing gets done all day because of illness, schedule, etc, it's not a big deal, we order take out and skip the laundry.

Honestly I don't think we ever talked about it either....just kind of fell into what worked for us.
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#27 of 35 Old 10-09-2010, 08:41 PM
 
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I defenitely have higher expectations for myself than the hubs does. That said, the downside is that he often takes my job for granted. He will say, " I never told you to do that" if I tell him I feel overburdened or burnt out, and he doesn't really understand my job doesn't afford any real downtime while he's persuing hobbies during the weekend. So there's give and take, for sure.
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#28 of 35 Old 10-09-2010, 09:38 PM
 
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To say 'expect' it gives me the impression of a dominant husband who lays out the rules for the household and all it's members....and gives me the creeps as well.
I don't see this at all. As others have mentioned, I expect my dh to go to work every day and make money for our family, why isn't it okay for my husband to expect me to keep the house clean or make dinner?

As for my dh's expectations.. I don't know. It seems very difficult to separate his expectations from my own I suppose. I know he expects to have something to eat when he gets home, for the house to be neat, for the kids to be generally happy, clean, well fed and educated. He expects that I will take care of our home, our children, myself and our cars etc. He's more than happy to pick up some slack for me when he can, he's definitely been known to walk in the door at midnight and wash the kitchen floors before coming to bed and then getting up for work at 4am without saying a word about it. And if he notices that something needs to be done he will do it, or whatever I ask. His time at home is very special for us though, so I try (and generally succeed) in doing everything while he is gone so we can just hang out when he is home.
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#29 of 35 Old 10-10-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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I asked my SO and to quote him "It's not a hard job, baby, to be a housewife. Just cook clean, and teach the kids."

However the last month he has been home a lot and I have been going through PPD and unable to pull my weight and I assure you i've heard plenty of complaining about how hard it is. How easily we forget!

Really he isn't that hard to please but there are definitely expectations on both our ends. I expect him to go to work every day, to help with bath/bed time and to do family stuff on the weekends, to lead the family in religious activities and be a good role model esp for ds.

he expects me to take care of the kids (and this includes teachign them, esp ds, which is something he says I am much better at than he), he expects me to keep the house clean, and provide three meals a day. If he comes home and the bathroom or bedroom is dirty but everything else is clean, he won't complain. But he hates to walk in and see total disaster, and when he's hungry he wants to eat. So when he is WOH I try to have dinner ready when he walks in.

With him being home we share all the responsibility and when he is working we still work togethr on weekends.

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#30 of 35 Old 10-10-2010, 11:23 AM
 
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My jobs:
Feed/care for the kids
Shuttle kids to preschool, swim lessons, etc.
Pack lunches for kids and DH
Laundry - wash, dry, fold, put away
Having the kitchen & living room reasonably tidy when he walks in the door
Gestate kid #3
Cook dinner (~70% of dinners are cooked by me)
Dishes - especially if he cooks dinner
Grocery shopping & meal planning
Packing for all trips
Trash to kitchen (from basement & bedrooms on day before trash day)
Bedtime (although sometimes I ask him to do teeth/jammies first)
Pay bills
Plan all parties
Tidy the bedrooms & bathrooms every 1-2 days
Change sheets
Run the dog a few times a week



His jobs:

WOH
Vacuum/mop floors
Dishes if I cook dinner, plus handwashes big pots
Carry dirty laundry down 2 flights, carry clean laundry up
Trash to curb
Sometimes cook dinner (sometimes breakfast/lunch on weekends)
Lawncare
Home improvements and car maintenance (either do them or coordinate/pay somebody else)
Bathrooms (deeper cleaning)
Most of the dog care (pick up poop, feed, medicate, brush, run)

Holy crap! I think I better go give him a big hug, kiss and thank you!!!!
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