How often do you feel unappreciated? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been a stay at home mommy for over 11 years now. For some reason I have been feeling put upon the last two months. Has anyone else gone through this and how did you deal with it?

Stephanie-33 lucky mama of 5 precious ones: DD-12, DS-9 , DS-6 , and DD-3 and Bridget Alannah  SHE'S ONE NOW! loving wife to DH-38
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#2 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 05:18 PM
 
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This morning I woke up and realized something:
My DH gets to wake up, take a shower, and go to work each day where his accomplishments are validated with a paycheck, and praise. But as a mum I often get negative stuff: "is dinner ready? how come this this and this is wrong? Or hasn't been done yet?"

Man, some days I just want someone to appreciate the fact that I've kept my kids alive and thriving without loosing it!

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#3 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 05:26 PM
 
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Daily. But I'm used to it.
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#4 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 07:31 PM
 
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At the moment, almost everyday I think. It sucks.

It's complicated.
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#5 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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All the time. Especially when my kids act like I beat them when I ask for them to do anything or dh doesn't bother helping out if I'm ill. I baby everyone else when they are even slightly sick, it would be nice for even an ounce of voluntary help when I am sick/debilitated, too.

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#6 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 08:35 PM
 
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I am a stay at home mom too, and I feel not so much unappreciated, but I feel trapped at times, whereas my DH gets to go out by himself and do stuff that I never get to do..However he also has to put up with lots of crap that I don't-he has to get up super early(which he hates to do), deal with traffic, go to work and deal with irritating people, who don't appreciate him, and he is under pressure to do this every day and to make sure he brings home a paycheck, which promptly gets sucked up into bills, with little to none left over for fun stuff. Oh, then he comes home to help take care of the babe and make dinner. So, he has lots of crap to deal with too, and I must say most of the time he does it gracefully..I try not to be jealous when he stops at the bar for happy hour on the way home once a week, since he needs to destress too. I just wish I could go out too, once a week! But then, I get to sleep in, stay home in my jammies(if I feel like it) or do pretty much whatever, as long as I take the babe with me.

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#7 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 08:38 PM
 
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I gave DH a taste of the medicine today. Lately I have been feeling really resentful because I get up super early with the kids and he sleeps in. (He works from home)

Today I took a nap and he tried to get some work done with the kids. He said, I will never judge you for not being able to do anything with these two around, it's impossible! LOL
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#8 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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At least a dozen times a day. Even more so since I've started working part-time out of the house... more hours than him some weeks... and still do 100% of the housework and 98% of the parenting.
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#9 of 38 Old 10-15-2010, 11:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know what it is exactly. It likely isn't just one thing. DH is a good father and is very helpful with the children and he works really hard, too. He's working six days this week which I know was never in his master plan but we need the extra money. I work hard, too, and am pretty much on call 24/7 with our five children. I feel so fortunate to be a stay at home mom and get to be with my children all day everyday. That is a wonderful gift he has given to me. Sometimes though, not having any time for myself or any extra money is hard. I'm trying to pinpoint what the problem is, exactly, because I want to fix it. I HATE feeling this way.

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#10 of 38 Old 10-16-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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I feel more appreciated now that I work PT. I was pretty much a sahm for the first 8-9 mos after each child's birth, but now I work 1-2 shifts per week. I don't think DH truly appreciated what I did until his first time managing the kids by himself (ie when I started working PT after DS- he rarely managed DD alone until she was older).

He is not quite as in awe of my multi-tasking skills as he once was, though, as he has recently figured out the art of getting housework done while simultaneously supervising both kids. When I first went back PT, the house would be completely trashed when I came home, so I felt like I was working FT + PT due to the extra work of cleaning up the aftermath.

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#11 of 38 Old 10-17-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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Everyday. Gotta go...being screamed at by a three year old.
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#12 of 38 Old 10-19-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post
This morning I woke up and realized something:
My DH gets to wake up, take a shower, and go to work each day where his accomplishments are validated with a paycheck, and praise. But as a mum I often get negative stuff: "is dinner ready? how come this this and this is wrong? Or hasn't been done yet?"

Man, some days I just want someone to appreciate the fact that I've kept my kids alive and thriving without loosing it!
yes! I've had this exact same conversation with my DH. You get a paycheck each month and pats on the back all the time-- "oh excellent report, good analysis, etc."

I get peed on, barfed on, yelled at, and my nipples bitten.

I think part of this is why I need some kind of gig outside of parenting--something that I can control, that is meaningful, and yes a paycheck is nice. Like major_mama11, I feel like if I am working, I can understand the other side of the coin, being a working father is tough, too.

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#13 of 38 Old 10-20-2010, 01:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by carmel23 View Post
yes! I've had this exact same conversation with my DH. You get a paycheck each month and pats on the back all the time-- "oh excellent report, good analysis, etc."

I get peed on, barfed on, yelled at, and my nipples bitten.
This cracked me up!

My wife is amazing and I never feel like I'm not appreciated, at least this far into the game. However, me staying home was something that we rearranged our entire lives in order to do. (I gave up my career, we moved out of state.) It is something that is very important to both of us. But mostly I think I am just lucky.

Have you spoken to your DH about it?

Mama to two, and second-time surrogate. Expecting May 2015.
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#14 of 38 Old 10-20-2010, 11:34 AM
 
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All. The. Time. This is a huge issue for me right now.

I've been a SAHM for 5+ years now and just this semester started taking a night class part for fun and part in the hopes that I can eventually get a part-time job in this field. All of a sudden, in taking this class and finding out how hard it is just to get a few measly hours to do something OTHER than parent, I'm realizing how much I do that no one notices / appreciates.

Last night I was trying to do a homework assignment but my 5yo had all kinds of sleep issues so I ended up being up 1/2 the night and I STILL don't have the assignment done (due tonight!!) It didn't matter what I said, no one in the house seemed to care that I actually had something ELSE I needed to be working on other than the kids.

If I hadn't had this assignment to worry about, I wouldn't have even noticed that DH doesn't do ANY night time parenting. Or "problem" parenting (meaning dealing with the kids when they have a problem). We've all become so used to this all being my "job" that it occurred to no one that maybe I couldn't do both (assignment and deal with DD).

I think I'm burnt out. I love SAHM but it would be really nice to get some real honest appreciation or recognition from some source!!
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#15 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 12:02 AM
 
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So far, I've yet to feel unappreciated and I am very thankful for that. My daughter is only 11 months old but my DH is very good at making me feel like he appreciates everything I do for our family and for my daughter. Even before I was a SAHM he was this way though so it's just his personality, I guess.

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#16 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 11:24 AM
 
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This thread has perfect timing. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I think I'm at a all time low in my sahm career. I feel bored, lonely, trapped and unappreciated. I feel like I have given up myself for the family and no one seems to notice. and if I have to do one more load of laundy, pick up someone elses garbage off the ground, cook another meal that no one will eat...I'm going to go crazy.
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#17 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 02:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieB View Post
This thread has perfect timing. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I think I'm at a all time low in my sahm career. I feel bored, lonely, trapped and unappreciated. I feel like I have given up myself for the family and no one seems to notice. and if I have to do one more load of laundy, pick up someone elses garbage off the ground, cook another meal that no one will eat...I'm going to go crazy.
Well, except for the part about a meal no one will eat, this is me right now. I just wish someone would give me a suggestion as to what to make for them to eat. We are under alot of stress right now, and my hormones are wacky, and I think I'm losing it at least 3 times daily.

Happy Homesteading Homeschooling Homebirthing Beekeeping Dready (& a bit redneck even) Mama to 4 fab kids :  dd (23), dd (13), ds (11), dd (5)

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#18 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 05:26 PM
 
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Yeah, Pretty often when Dh asks why Z didn't get done, but I did do A
through X and was in the process of doing Y.

I hate that he complains when I want to take a shower. He gets one all by himself everyday.

He complained to his therapist (seeing for anxiety and moodiness) and he told him point blank, "do her job for three days and you'll never complain again."

But overall, I'd rather be here than anywhere else.

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#19 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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oops, wrong post.

please delete.

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#20 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by november View Post
So far, I've yet to feel unappreciated and I am very thankful for that. My daughter is only 11 months old but my DH is very good at making me feel like he appreciates everything I do for our family and for my daughter. Even before I was a SAHM he was this way though so it's just his personality, I guess.
This is me, too, right down to the 11 month old.

Thats not to say I don't get worn out, because I do. But I do feel appreciated.
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#21 of 38 Old 10-21-2010, 09:51 PM
 
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almost everyday...but especially today

I was so happy to have cleaned the house today, but then dh came home, tracked dirt in, threw his jacket on the couch and left his shoes in the middle of the floor. He also opened the mail and left it all spread out on the table. He didn't say one word about the house being clean

I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the past 3 days. I mentioned how exhausted and worn out I was to dh. He said it was my choice to stay home with the kids and if I didn't like it I should go back to work and hire a nanny. Of course it's pointless to say that I had to quit my weekend job when the baby was born because dh didn't want to be left alone with the kids on his "time off".

Anyway, yes I feel unappreciated

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#22 of 38 Old 10-22-2010, 08:06 AM
 
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I have been a sahm for 11 years too. I gave up a career to be with the kids,and my husband never has to worry about their care-ever. It is terribly hurtful to be told how *lucky* I am that I get to stay home all day and not have to work. There are some days when I want to just refuse to do all the stuff I do just so everyone can see how much I really do.

Even when I am sick I am still expected to do *my job*.I get nagged to get a job out of the home,but dh never offers to be home more so he can cart the children around,be home when they are sick,or do anything I do to make it more 50/50.Nope,get a job AND do all that I am doing too. Forget it.

It gets super annoying,but when the comments start I just roll my eyes and say,"whatever",because I know after all these years that no one will acknowledge what I do only what I do not do. I just walk away,get a good book,and head out to the hens to relax.

If I could go back in time I am not sure I would want to be a sahm for so long.I would want my dh to do more at home,but I doubt he would do it.

Ah if only we got paid for all this mommy/homemaker work.People who DO get paid to do it for other familes bring home some good money!
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#23 of 38 Old 10-24-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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Pretty often. I will say though that I very rarely feel unappreciated by my husband. I do not feel appreciated by my kids though, most days I feel like they just see me as a maid, chauffeur and ATM machine I do love my children don't get me wrong but some days are just UGH.

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#24 of 38 Old 10-28-2010, 05:31 PM
 
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I was feeling this way a few months ago. Seemed like everyone in the neighborhood was calling me for favors---Can you pick up my kid from the bus stop? Can you watch my grandkids while I run an errand? Can you babysit for me? Can you give me a jump? Can you this? Can you that?

I decided that my automatic answer for EVERYONE except my DD and DH is now, "NO". And I stopped answering the phone (even if they knew I was home). The phone calls have stopped!!!

I don't mind doing a favor every once in a while, but it was getting ridiculous and I was feeling taken advantage of by so many people. But you know what? I took my life back.

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#25 of 38 Old 10-31-2010, 12:15 PM
 
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From time to time I do, but I know that if I really have the place sparkling and a nice dinner on the table I will get praise from at least one of the people at the table, and if not, I still feel pretty good about myself for having done it. My sister and I are best friends and chat everyday, we feel quite free to brag to each other at all our accomplishments so we can pat each other on the back when we need it! I wouldn't trade places with my dh though, even if he does get to enjoy coffee with a friend all alone at least a couple times a week, he has all the stress and responsibility of providing for us financially and we barely scrape by sometimes - that weight must be huge and I try to do my part in lessening it by reducing our waste, meal planning according to the grocery sales, thrift shopping and stretching things wherever I can.

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#26 of 38 Old 11-01-2010, 10:31 AM
 
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Only occasionally. Like yesterday when we got home from errands and groceries had to be put away, dinner had to be started and the dining room table had to be cleared. I sat down to take some medicine and have a glass of water and dh went straight to the couch. The groceries were still all over, pumpkins had to be carved and it was just assumed (as usual) that I would make dinner and pull it all together. So I yelled at everyone.

But really it doesn't happen often that I feel that way. My dh is really good about stepping in lately but before I had health issues, yea, not so much.
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#27 of 38 Old 11-01-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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Yes, today, but not generally. I just don't think dh gets just how hard it is some days to know that I've got nothing else in my life aside from my kids, the house (not even my own either - rental), and so little else going on for me. It's not because I choose to have little else going on - I've just had the worst luck with making new friends since having my first (5.5 years ago now). And I've gone through several interests and activities and nothing has stuck... I gave up grad school then a career, and it's not like there are tangibile outcomes with looking after the kids or the house (it take like 10 seconds for the house to be essentially right back to the mess it was before I started cleaning). So, it feels like all this work, day in and day out, and no results...

I guess it's not that I feel unappreciated by anyone in particular - it's just this life of mothering seems really un gratifying at times. Like, what's the outcome? What's the result of all this stuff I do every day? Sure: kids are dressed, eating decent food, heading out to go to activities... Woo hoo. Why aren't I thrilled?

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#28 of 38 Old 11-02-2010, 02:09 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieB View Post
This thread has perfect timing. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I think I'm at a all time low in my sahm career. I feel bored, lonely, trapped and unappreciated. I feel like I have given up myself for the family and no one seems to notice. and if I have to do one more load of laundy, pick up someone elses garbage off the ground, cook another meal that no one will eat...I'm going to go crazy.
That's exactly how I feel sometimes.
Hugs to all the unappreciated mamas! It makes me sad to hear all those stories, but also relieved that I'm not alone, if it makes sense. Luckily my dh does appreciate me and tells me everyday. I really couldn't do it if he didn't. I do feel like the kids take me for granted sometimes. Like "the house, the couch, the dog, the mom"... like i'm just furniture, or like a live-in maid or something.

SAHM to one moody son J hat.gif(06-27-03), one super-girly daughter M hearts.gif (02-23-06) and welcome Sophie! energy.gif(05-23-10) expecting fourth in July baby.gif

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#29 of 38 Old 11-02-2010, 02:50 AM
 
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every day, especially when i get comments like "i have to go to work now so you can stay home and live out your dream of being mommy"

or when dh thinks he does anywhere near what i do when he plays with dd for a few hours, goes out to eat cause he didnt feel like cooking, doesn 0 chores and spends a ton of money on special events to entertain her with and of course there are no rules and no following through with anything, then i get the backlash when she has to get back to reality when its mommy time again monday or whatever...

but the reality is i dont do it at all for him, I do it for my and my children. DD is appreciative at 3 and seeing her smile or get excited to do whatever we are doing that day, chores, baking etc. just getting to spend time with her and see her progress and learn new things and play and wonder and all that, its just amazing.
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#30 of 38 Old 11-04-2010, 08:16 PM
 
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Every day. The kids are fairly age-appropriate in their level of under-noticing opportunities to show their gratitude, and I do work on it gently. It's dh who tends toward the lame -- rarely tosses a thanks or whatever my way. I try to use it as a lesson to show my gratitude to him.... And it reminds me that I do things because I choose/need to, and to not be dependent on someone else for a measure of my worth. But that insight is only occasionally available to me! The rest of the time I get a little !
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