When you cook, does spouse do the dishes (or at least the pots?), and/or vice versa? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: Does your partner do dishes if you cooked?
No, s/he doesn't have time 7 5.79%
No, it's just my job as the at-home parent 36 29.75%
Yes, we try to have the one who didn't cook do the dishes 36 29.75%
Yes, we usually both help with dishes regardless of who cooked 17 14.05%
Other 25 20.66%
Voters: 121. You may not vote on this poll

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#31 of 58 Old 11-17-2010, 06:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies, I love to see all the different ways people work out these issues. And I envy and admire those who have such a team spirit in their house. We've been negotiating this for years and haven't reached a place where we are both happy with it. It's becoming more clear that it's an attitude adjustment that's needed and not necessarily that he needs to do dishes at night.  We've still got work to do here on this....

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#32 of 58 Old 11-17-2010, 06:45 AM
 
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I always cook, DH always does the dishes.  I'm aware that it seems lopsided since I'm the at-home parent and he works full time, but it's just the way it has always been. 

We've recently started having our almost-7yo son do most of the dishes (no sharp knives or pots/pans) as part of his chores, for which he earns an allowance.  It helps lighten the load for DH somewhat, but he still misses having an automatic dishwasher.


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#33 of 58 Old 11-17-2010, 12:08 PM
 
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I voted that it's my job, not because I think it is, but because I'm the only adult here who washes dishes. However, I don't suggest that is the right way, or what OP should do.

I remember when I was a teen, one of us kids would cook, the other would wash dishes and that was so unfair. My sister would make a four - course meal and use every pot, pan and dish in the house and I'd be stuck washing them all. I hated that. When I'd cook, I'd clean/rinse/wipe down as I go, and use very few dishes and she'd be done washing dishes in under 10 minutes.

 

So, my solution would be swap who is in the kitchen for the night. The one who cooks is the one to clean up, because then they'd also be more likely to clean as they go while the other parent occupies the children, ideally. The next day, the other parent is in the kitchen cooking and cleaning while the other parent is with the children.


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#34 of 58 Old 11-17-2010, 08:53 PM
 
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I voted no, because he doesn't have time. He barely has enough time to sleep, so during the week, it's all me. On the weekends though, we cook more and he does do part of the dishes..like loads or unloads the dishwasher, but usually not all of it. It doesn't bother me. With only one kid, I still have plenty of alone, down time, so I don't mind it. when the next one comes along though? Yeah, I'm sure things will change.


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#35 of 58 Old 11-17-2010, 09:05 PM
 
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currently, I do it all.  I'm not okay with this in the least.

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#36 of 58 Old 11-18-2010, 06:28 AM
 
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I cook every meal, do the dishes, baths, and put three kids to bed by myself almost every weeknight.

Then DH gets home around 9PM and eats relaxing on the couch while I do laundry and wait for the baby to need to nurse again.

On Sunday he will do the dishes with out asking (because he has spent or will spend about 4 hours watching football- and probably feels guilty)

If that's the day he mowed the lawn and did yard work, he usually doesn't.

He will do what ever I ask, but with a sour face. I'd rather do it myself than deal with that.

He does the money making, house fixing, heavy lifting, yard work.......

I wouldn't trade, but would like to have a break.

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#37 of 58 Old 11-18-2010, 07:03 AM
 
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I do 90% of the housework as the SAHP/ student.  DH works really long hours (usually 8 or 9 in the day and then 2 after DD's sleeping) and plays with our DD after dinner.  I would rather them have some quality time than me when I get to hang out and have fun with DD all day. 

 

I know this isn't a very popular view here, but I really feel like giving DH a peaceful, fun home and an hour to just relax is important.  I get time to myself after DD is asleep when DH is working.  I also think that the house stuff is my job as the SAHP.  When he helps, it's great, but it's not expected.  

 

When we were both working, we split everything 50/50, so I'm not super traditional or anything.  He's certainly not opposed to helping, it's just not his job right now when he works so much.  


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#38 of 58 Old 11-18-2010, 08:36 AM
 
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No,my dh does not do the dishes. I don't mind.What really upsets me is  if he does not take the dishes to  the sink. I get quite angry if he eats,and then just walks away from the table leaving his dishes there.

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#39 of 58 Old 11-18-2010, 08:51 AM
 
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Like some pps have said, i'm not completely happy with our arrangement. And none of your options seemed to fit our situation anyway.

Up until a few weeks ago, i did all lunch/dinner cooking and breakfast was every man for himself. Now DH is cooking 1 dinner/wk. I load the dishwasher, he empties. On rare occassions, if im sick or DS has been, he'll load.

The thing that we've really struggled with though is respect, and it sounds like you're dealing w the same thing. I'll do the dishes, on my own schedule and in my own way. He does not have the right to insist i do it his way or on his schedule. If he doesnt like the way/time i do them, then he is free to do them himself and i refuse to feel guilt over it. End of discussion. Him insisting i do things on his schedule or insulting the way i do them is a really short road to an ugly fight.

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#40 of 58 Old 11-19-2010, 07:28 PM
 
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He used to. Many things have gotten in the way. We used to think he was busy, and worked late. Now, he's busier and works later. So we decided together that it would be much better to spend his time with the kids than with the dishes. Sometimes they get done of the evening, other times I do them in the morning. But they are mine to do.


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#41 of 58 Old 11-20-2010, 02:08 PM
 
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i mostly like our arrangement. it generally works out to whoever didn't cook, cleans. since he NEVER cooks, he generally does the bulk of the dishes. i do usually help a bit in the kitchen though, putting food away and stuff like that. it does annoy me that he seems to be completely incapable of actually cleaning the kitchen without my presence, but i also appreciate that i usually cook more involved meals than he would bother with, so there are usually a couple pots and pans, and jars of seasonings and produce that needs to go away. he washes our breakfast and even my lunch dishes without complaining, so in general i feel lucky.

 

since dd is now usually eating dinner with us, it's getting a bit more complicated... she sometimes needs a good hosing down and is really ready to be put to be bed by the time dinner is finished, so we have to toss for who does dishes and who does bathtime. i don't feel that's an entirely fair division of labour, since dh has no take-home work and i'm the one that will also have to do bedtime and night-time nursing.

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#42 of 58 Old 11-20-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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We don't have a hard and fast rule, but after dinner, we have three kids to get bathed and in bed and dinner dishes. If I'm tired of the kids, he does the whole bedtime for all three (I just come in to scratch backs and say goodnight) and I clean up the kitchen. Or I do bedtime and he does dishes. I always cook since I start making it before he gets home from work. But there is no relaxing or sitting down until both of us are done (as in, if the dishes take less time than bedtime, then I go up and help him finish or vice versa). We're a team and we're both tired and overworked, so it's not about whose job it is.

 

Edited: Just want to add that I do the dishes throughout the day, so the only dishes to be done at night are dinner dishes.


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#43 of 58 Old 11-20-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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DH and I take turns cooking dinner, DH does 99% of the dishes, and I do 99% of the laundry. We pinch hit for each other when needed, but after experimenting for a while, we settled into this pattern because it plays best to what we like to do (or at least, what we each mind the least).

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#44 of 58 Old 11-20-2010, 05:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reezley View Post

 

Anyway - - is it fair for him to do some dishes in the evening? Or is it my job since I'm the SAHM and he's working a lot of the time that he's home too?



I think your "job" hours are the same as hiswinky.gif.

 

Dh is in school in addition to work so I don't usually ask. However, if I'm really behind or really tired I'll ask him to load or unload the dishwasher. Otherwise, it gets done when it gets done; though having a neat downstairs is a priority for him, so I usually tackle it first anyway (I'm in school too, but usually do my hw when ds is in school and dd is napping). Dh was raised with "one cooks, one cleans" so he already thinks that way. The only time we really put that into practice is on the holidays.

 


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#45 of 58 Old 11-20-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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Well, I voted that we both do the dishes regardless who cooks. However, my 8 year old ds does ALL dishes now as part of his chores, so really neither one of us does. Before ds learned, though, we both did them. I do all the cooking, btw.

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#46 of 58 Old 11-21-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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Its suppose to be one of us doing the dishes the other taking care of the kids but usually I end up doing both because he will play around until Im done with one and start the other then get all upset with me starting the other. I dont' have all night to get things done so if he isn't going to do it in a timely fashion I do.


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#47 of 58 Old 11-21-2010, 09:21 PM
 
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Dh isn't always home for dinner, but when he is home he doesn't cook and he doesn't do dishes. If I don't get to finish them because I'm busy putting the kiddos to bed/bath, then they're waiting for me the next morning. He does, however, sometimes do his own laundry, cut the grass, and take the trash cans to the curb once a week.


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#48 of 58 Old 11-29-2010, 07:32 AM
 
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That's always been our agreement.  I do everything else unless I need help and specifically ask for it since I'm home now.  I just feel like it's my job.  But I cook every night and I hate dishes!  So after dinner I give D his bath and hubs washes dishes.  We meet up after for storytime and kisses and hugs.  It's a good system.

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#49 of 58 Old 11-29-2010, 01:15 PM
 
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I have only read the OP and voted so far.  I marked he does not have time.  My DH will help with any and all housework on days that he is available to do so.  He has school or work from 8 in the morning till 5 at night and then comes home and eats dinner and then does homework till around 10 or 11 at night. Most Saturdays he is working on some of the bigger long term projects for school for anywhere from 5-9 hours. 

 

As a SAHM my job is to raise, nurture and play with our children. Any housework that gets done is an added bonus. 


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#50 of 58 Old 11-29-2010, 01:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hollytheteacher View Post

My dh does 100% dishes and i do 100% laundry.



this is how we work as well.  dh actually LIKES to do dishes, and I enjoy washing and folding laundry, so it works well for us.

 

I know that I would feel pretty unappreciated if I did all the shopping, cooked all the food, and washed all the dishes.  For me, having dh wash dishes is like him saying "thanks gor the great meal!"


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#51 of 58 Old 11-30-2010, 05:35 AM
 
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I wasn't sure what to vote.  I do about 95% of the dishes after I've cooked the dinner time meal.  But I do it gladly.  Dh is usually in charge of wrangling 4 kids into their pj's and keeping them happy and out of the kitchen.  After a day at home with the kids I like that break and don't mind cleaning up.  I don't necessarily mind a division of chores as long as the attitude was pleasant.  I know there are things that dh does around here and I take it for granted that it is his "job" and he does the same.  It's always open to discussion though and dh knows that staying home with the kids IS work.  Once in a while I need to leave him with them for longer than an hour or two to remember that winky.gif.  


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#52 of 58 Old 11-30-2010, 05:57 AM
 
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DH works long days out of the home in the military and I am a SAHM, DD is 2.5. In the evenings, DH usually cooks dinner because he enjoys it while I play with DD (occasionally DH involves her in the cooking too.) After dinner, DH and I take care of the kitchen cleanup together. If DD gets fussy playing on her own, I'll usually take over the dishes since DH cooked. It goes so quickly when we both do the dishes (while dodging DD dancing about) as we work our way around the kitchen. It's a nice time to continue chatting and turn up a little music, and I feel so affectionate towards him when we work together.

 

I take care of the dishes that DD and I accumulate during the day, any breakfast remnants that DH leaves in the sink, and empty the dishwasher with her in the mornings 95% of the time so we start with a clean kitchen in the evening before dinner.

 

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#53 of 58 Old 11-30-2010, 05:58 AM
 
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House rule: If you cook, you don't have to do the dishes.

 

It doesn't always apply. Sometimes I've done the cooking, but everyone else is busy (work, sports, classes) and so I'll be left with the dishes. If it happens just a couple of times a week, I don't mind. If it's frequent and consistent, then I get unhappy.

 

We have 2 teens though, so there's usually plenty of bodies to help out. Everyone in the family can and will cook, so if someone doesn't want to do the dishes, there's always the option to cook. 

 

I would be very unhappy with an attitude that "dishes are your job", for reasons that pp's have already articulated very well. 

 

It also sounds like you are handwashing everything. Is an automatic dishwasher a possible option?

 

You can also try to make dishwashing a little more pleasant. Your DH could read to you from the newspaper or talk about his day (and if he picks up a tea towel at some point, bonus). How about family storytime in the kitchen, with one person reading the stories? When DD and DS do the dishes, I like to eavesdrop - they are usually telling jokes and stories and talking about their friends (after they finish arguing about who will wash and who will dry).

 

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#54 of 58 Old 11-30-2010, 09:32 AM
 
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My mom lives with us and she doesn't do anything except the dishes.  However, I'm sure dh would do them if she didn't.

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#55 of 58 Old 11-30-2010, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post

 

I would be very unhappy with an attitude that "dishes are your job", for reasons that pp's have already articulated very well. 

 

It also sounds like you are handwashing everything. Is an automatic dishwasher a possible option?

 

You can also try to make dishwashing a little more pleasant. Your DH could read to you from the newspaper or talk about his day (and if he picks up a tea towel at some point, bonus). How about family storytime in the kitchen, with one person reading the stories? When DD and DS do the dishes, I like to eavesdrop - they are usually telling jokes and stories and talking about their friends (after they finish arguing about who will wash and who will dry).

 


We do have a dishwasher - but for most pots and pans, we need to handwash.   I agree with you and everyone who said the attitude of him telling me it's my job leaves a bad taste...  But I am glad to see there are about as many households that don't share the dish duties as that do.  I know dh works most of the time, and I know that I should expect to take on most of the dishes.   He would never sit around and chat and read stories while dish cleaning is going on!  Sounds so nice though. If dishes are to be done in the evening, it would have to be after kids are in bed, and if he has time to sit in the kitchen doing nothing, then he'll go to his computer and get some work done, for sure.  I love what the pp said about how affectionate she feels toward her husband when they work together in the kitchen.  I hope for that someday, that does sound nice. 

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#56 of 58 Old 12-01-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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I voted other because I do all the dishes but my husband cooks most of the meals.  Even when I cook a meal (once or twice a week) I still wash the dishes because after we eat dinner we give DD her bath together and then he's the one that gives her her nighttime bottle and puts her to bed.  It usually works out perfectly that I finish tidying up the house and doing the dishes at the same time he finishes putting her to bed and then we can relax together.

 

I agree with previous posters that it's his line of thinking that would bother me more than anything.  Yes my DH works hard at his job and supports us financially but that doesn't excuse him from helping out with household things.  My "job" as far as he and I are concerned is to care for our child.  If that means I don't have time some days to do any cleaning than so be it.  It is a rare occasion that one of us is lounging on the couch while the other is cleaning or taking care of DD.  If we both work on chores at the same time than it means more time later for us to play with DD or relax together after she's gone to bed.

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#57 of 58 Old 12-02-2010, 12:43 PM
 
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Whoever doesn't cook washes the dishes in our house. I cook 80% of the time, so DH does the dishes most of the time. We never had a discussion about it -- it was just a natural arrangement. I clean as I go, so usually the only things to wash after dinner are our plates/utensils and 1 or 2 pots. 

 

If it worked for another family to have the same person cook and clean up, that'd be fine, but what's not fine is your DH insisting that the dishes are "your job" and then griping about how you're not doing that job soon enough for his liking. That's not a cool attitude for someone living in a partnership. 


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#58 of 58 Old 12-20-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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I chose that it's my job but I don't agree with your H's attitude about you doing them. I do them because it takes my DH about 5 times longer to do them and he can't load a dishwasher worth crap. If I have a ton of pots to do though, he'll always help if I ask him. And, sometimes if the little one is happy, we'll unload the dishwasher together and I'll load again while he washes a few pans.

 

I think chores should be shared if the SAHP needs help. After all, I'm a SAH PARENT not a SAH MAID.


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