i need some time to myself each day; DH thinks that makes me psycho - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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One of the most clear explanations of life as a sahm went something like this.


Imagine you work at Home Depot.  You are never allowed to leave, you get the mandatory 15 minute breaks, but the customers follow you to the bathroom, you get a 30 minute lunch, but customers come into the break room and ask you questions while you eat and you have to answer the phone on your lunch too.  Then after your 8 hour shift, in which you have had no real breaks, you have to sleep there.  But during the time you should be relaxing, doing your own thing, you still have to help customers.  At bedtime you have to chase the customers out of the store, but all night long you have to answer the phone, because that's part of the job.

 

No one would expect another person to have a job like that, yet no one thinks it is odd that a sahm has that job.  It's expected even that you never leave your job and are constantly on duty.

 

Your dh is the one that needs to talk to someone if he truly believes that you are supposed to be everything to the household at all times with never a moment to do something you enjoy or want to do while someone else takes care of the kids.  

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#3 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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Did you talk about how things would be before you had kids? Did you know that he was assuming he got a free pass on parenting and that he was expecting you to do all the work? An attitude like that would have me getting my ducks in a row for divorce, to be honest.

Have you ever just TOLD him you were going to take a break - and then leave? Like on a weekend, just announce that you'll be gone for four hours, and go. See how he feels about things after having to be a father and seeing what it's like. This is what you need to do. This weekend. Your dh obviously has no idea what it's like to care for his children or that it's a job that needs a break. He needs to understand this, but telling him is clearly not working. Therapy is needed, for sure. Reality Therapy. For him.

Do it soon or you'll be putting up with this for the rest of your parenting career. Which is a horrid thought.

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#4 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 

I agree that you need to TELL HIM you're getting a break and LEAVE. It's ridiculous for him to think that you will put up with that. He's the one with a HUGE problem, not you. 

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#5 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 05:25 PM
 
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That's really ridiculous. Have you ever written down everything you've done (to the minute, if you can stand it) in one day? Including overnights and time when he's home? Has he thought about a SAHM as being work? A job with no breaks or time off? Does he really think that's reasonable? It sounds like he's sadly out of touch with what you do all day, every day -- or else he really *wants* to be that out of touch because it makes his life easier. But he's missing valuable time with his children and he's sabotaging his marriage. In the long run, that really makes no sense.

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#6 of 39 Old 11-19-2010, 06:35 PM
 
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Um, how is your marriage? Wow. 


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#7 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 07:11 AM
 
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Another vote for "tell him you are leaving and leave." Come back three hours later and see what you come home to. I don't think it is going to magically fix your issues, but I think it's the right place to start. 

 

Couples therapy is probably a good idea, because sometimes people just need to hear it from a third party before it sinks in. Hiring a sitter is always nice when you can afford it. 

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#8 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 07:22 AM
 
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Couples therapy is probably a good idea, because sometimes people just need to hear it from a third party before it sinks in. Hiring a sitter is always nice when you can afford it. 


 

This.  I was going to say it sounds like you do need therapy - couple's therapy.  No, it's not crazy to need a break from the constant shirt pulling.  It *IS* crazy to think that no one should need that break.


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#9 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 07:57 AM
 
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Your husband is demeaning you, so that he can continue to do NOTHING.  He is not even a parent, and doesn't sound like a very nice husband. 

 

Think about how long you're willing to put up with that, and why on earth you would.

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#10 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 08:22 AM
 
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if he is not willing to help you take "you time" then you need to take you time. my dh is totally not good about giving me alone time so i force myself to take it. on his day off i get a day off too. do some errands, shopping, anything i feel like without little ones thumb.gif


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#11 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 05:37 PM
 
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Quote:
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Couples therapy is probably a good idea, because sometimes people just need to hear it from a third party before it sinks in. Hiring a sitter is always nice when you can afford it. 


 

This.  I was going to say it sounds like you do need therapy - couple's therapy.  No, it's not crazy to need a break from the constant shirt pulling.  It *IS* crazy to think that no one should need that break.


thumb.gif

 

Perhaps you should have him go with you to a psychiatrist so that she/he can tell him that what you really need is a supportive husband! then do the relationship counseling.


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#12 of 39 Old 11-20-2010, 09:44 PM
 
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my dh grew up in a family where in father did nothing and his mom took care of every single household duty. i tell myself that its not my dhs fault he is wire the way he is. i am trying to help him relearn what it means to be a father and dh. you need to do that with your dh. counseling is always good, but showing him what he needs to do is just as good.

 

what would he do if you just said one night, "ds needs a bath. make sure to shampoo his hair." ? ive done it. the look on my dhs face was priceless.

 

teach him how to be a good dh. he wont like it, because what he is doing right now is easy and great for him, but you need to do it for your marriage. i am finally learning this and its making me feel so empowered.


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#13 of 39 Old 11-21-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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Are you going to be able to just jump right in and say "Please give ds a bath" and start from there, or do you have to start with the foundations of his beliefs/why he apparently believes that it's all up to you and he is only supposed to go to work/come home?

 

I'm not being snarky when I say that.  Every man is different, and I know that when my parents were married, this was the way my father was - my mother never could have started saying "Do XYZ" or he would have been "Are you crazy?  _I've_ worked all day." and given her the SAH=eating bonbons defense.  They were better off divorced, but I guess what I'm saying is that you might have to address your relationship issue/parenting imbalance before you can just cavalierly hand him a child and tell him to get to it.

 

You mentioned your mom.  Would she be able to watch your kids every Monday (or whatever) so that you and dh could go to couples therapy?  Would he even be willing to go?

 

 

I see this as more than a SAHP issue -- I think this is a partnering issue.

 

Good luck, mama.  It's exhausting enough being an at-home mom without having to do every part of parenting all by yourself.

I really liked the Home Depot analogy, too, mamalisa.  :)  I sort of want to copy and paste that to make a FB status update.  I won't, but it is sort of brilliant.  :)


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#14 of 39 Old 11-21-2010, 01:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lilylumos View Post

Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
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#15 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 01:33 AM
 
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You are definitely not mentally unstable because you desire a break!  It's terrible that he would suggest such a thing.  From what you've posted and a lot of the comments agree, your partner should be offering more support and help with the children.

 

Good luck hug.gif

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#16 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 06:20 AM
 
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Tell him ok and that you're going to be getting the help that you need 3 times a week from 7-9 PM. Then three times a week from 7-9PM let him watch the kids while you go shopping/work out/whatever. He doesn't have to know where you're going.


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#17 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 06:45 AM
 
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Just jumping in because I don't have long (toddler in my lap)

 

Do counseling...but make it couples counseling (If you can get a therapist that will "see  you" and then "request a meeting with your DH" you'll be golden...and some will do it that way if you explain the dynamics) Maybe having a professional say "She is worked to her limit. She needs your help" will open his eyes?


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#18 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 07:33 AM
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
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Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
his


 Honestly, it's even less about you needing a break to me, you could simply start hiring a sitter if you really needed one.  But what kind of relationship does he have with the children when he's never left to care for them and build that trust? 

 

Did you talk about what you SAH was going to look like before you had kids?  Did he participate in a parenting classes or something before your first was born?


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#19 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 09:09 AM
 
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I would be crazy if I never had any alone time or help with our children. I have a hard time picturing a man un-interested in even holding his own baby. Counceling is definitely in order because his expectations are not realistic. 


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#20 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 09:32 AM
 
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I tend to do most of the housework and childcare work around here, and that is fine with me.  HOWEVER....if my dh had the attitude that yours had, that would so not be okay with me.

 

I agree with the other folks.  Leave and get yourself a break.  Your children will be fine.  Your dh will cope.  And that hour alone grocery shopping or drinking coffee or just driving around will do wonders for your sanity. 

 

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#21 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 10:40 AM
 
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Wow, that would not fly around my house! No, you are not crazy for needing a break. Your DH needs a serious reality check though.

If you believe the children will be safe and their needs will be provided for while you're gone, definitely leave him alone with them for a few hours (or a whole day, depending on how mad you are lol.gif ). If you genuinely don't think he's capable or that he'll be passive aggressive and let the children go neglected all day, then hire a sitter and let him know you'll be back in a few hours. But do something for yourself, mama. You deserve a life too.

He sounds very disrespectful of your role as a mother and wife, and of your right to have time to yourself. If he's not willing to be a father to his children, he'd better be willing to pay for someone to come and relieve you once in awhile. But he doesn't get to tell you that you have to do it all, and he definitely doesn't get to tell you you're crazy for needing a break. The next time he says something that insensitive and awful, point out that he's being emotionally abusive. Because he is. irked.gif

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#22 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 01:02 PM
 
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Your are not crazy. You do not need medications. You do not need a doctor. Your feelings are all normal and justifiable.

 

 

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#23 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 03:17 PM
 
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I understand where you are coming from ElliesMomma—My husband and I had the same issue. He could not understand that I needed a break—just 10 minutes. He too asked me to talk to a Dr, which I did. The Dr. Comfirmed that it was normal to want some alone time—but my husband did not take this very seriously and actually asked me not to go back to that Dr. Again. I do all the housework, errands, childcare, cooking—you name it. Granted he does work 50-60 hours a week. It became too much of a fight, so I gave up. Meanwhile, my husband has a cocktail hour after work regularly with friends, and goes to the gym 5-6 times a week. He was completely flabbergasted when I asked him if he could watch our daughter  for an hour so I could go swimming on Saturdays. I dont get the double standard, that I am always responsible for our daughter and he always has the freedom to do what he wants, and for me to want some alone time is actually ‘crazy’. Anyways, I feel  your pain mama.  I dont think any of us are crazy or selfish for wanting some alone time! I hope you figure something out. I have considered hiring a secret babysitter or housecleaner to give myself a breakJ

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#24 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 05:06 PM
 
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I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is saying you're NOT crazy.

You know what's crazy? This -


Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post


he has never done a single bath, diaper, dinner, or overnight duty. 




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I only have one child, a one-year-old, but i can tell you in no uncertain terms that I would have lost my damn mind by now if this were the situation in my household. You are a stronger woman than I for holding it together this long. Please do whatever it takes to get yourself the time/space you need.

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#25 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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I understand where you are coming from ElliesMomma—My husband and I had the same issue. He could not understand that I needed a break—just 10 minutes. He too asked me to talk to a Dr, which I did. The Dr. Comfirmed that it was normal to want some alone time—but my husband did not take this very seriously and actually asked me not to go back to that Dr. Again. I do all the housework, errands, childcare, cooking—you name it. Granted he does work 50-60 hours a week. It became too much of a fight, so I gave up. Meanwhile, my husband has a cocktail hour after work regularly with friends, and goes to the gym 5-6 times a week. He was completely flabbergasted when I asked him if he could watch our daughter  for an hour so I could go swimming on Saturdays. I dont get the double standard, that I am always responsible for our daughter and he always has the freedom to do what he wants, and for me to want some alone time is actually ‘crazy’. Anyways, I feel  your pain mama.  I dont think any of us are crazy or selfish for wanting some alone time! I hope you figure something out. I have considered hiring a secret babysitter or housecleaner to give myself a breakJ

 sure, so he works 50-60 hrs per week and you work... 168... hours... per week.  Yeah, that sounds close to fair...  

*sigh* I so don't get how some people can be so... unable to wrap their head around the fact that when a SAHM is home alone with kids it's not the same as being just HOME ALONE. 

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#26 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 09:05 PM
 
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I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is saying you're NOT crazy. You know what's crazy? This -
 



:eekI only have one child, a one-year-old, but i can tell you in no uncertain terms that I would have lost my damn mind by now if this were the situation in my household. You are a stronger woman than I for holding it together this long. Please do whatever it takes to get yourself the time/space you need.



The bolded part is really important.  Do it for your kidshug.gif


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#27 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 09:07 PM
 
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That is so wrong. My DH is helpful, my kids are easy and one is in school all day and I still need many breaks and I still lose it on occasion. You're not crazy.

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#28 of 39 Old 11-22-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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So...

 

any update? 


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#29 of 39 Old 11-24-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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Call his bluff -- go see a doctor, therapist, some professional -- describe your daily life and what your responsibilities are, and see what the "diagnosis" is.  Have the professional write it down, come home, and hand it to your husband.  (I am a therapist, and I know *exactly* what I would prescribe in this situation: Daily breaks, no exceptions, for general sanity).  Sheesh.

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#30 of 39 Old 11-28-2010, 04:50 PM
 
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Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilylumos View Post

Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
his

 

 

 

THIS!!!! Wow, get into therapy together ASAP. Don't believe for a second that you are crazy or selfish or any other derogatory sentiment that he wheels against you. Asserting your needs is a healthy, self respecting behavior. You absolutely need time off. Everyone needs time to themselves no matter what their job!! So sorry this is happening to you Mama. Don't give up on taking care of yourself, whether you have his support or not. hug.gif
 


namaste.gif WAHSM to Ani (7) and Juddah (18mo.)

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