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#181 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:19 AM
 
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As a SAHM who has never had a career I agree. I didn't find it offensive at all. There is a big difference in having a career you find rewarding and just working at a random job. If I decided to go back to work to better ensure my economic independence etc. I would not be going back to a career or job I was good at or loved. For me and a lot of the SAHMs I know this factors into the decision. In that way, I am a feminist nightmare. I have always wanted to be a SAHM partly because I watched my mom work (not by choice) when she just wanted to be home. I don't enjoy external pressure, deadlines or arbitrary rules. As a self-directed introvert, cooking, cleaning up toddler messes and runny noses all day etc. daydreaming about projects that I may or may not start IS the job that suits me best. I PERSONALLY do not think being a SAHM is a hard job because ANY other job would be harder for ME. I not unsocial, I enjoyed the job I worked at for 5 years that put me through college. I liked having coworkers etc. I am smart, responsible and able to navigate office politics. BUT I definitely fit the stereotype of an unsuccessful unambitious person who is better suited to be a SAHM. As in, I can't think of any non-financial cons of staying home.

 

 


 

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Originally Posted by jojomamma View Post

I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 



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#182 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:23 AM
 
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I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 



That's incredibly offensive.  It perpetuates the image that only unsuccessful/unambitious/stupid people are more suited to being a SAHM.  I'm really sorry being a SAHM isn't working out for you, but it's probably because of the personality you have had since birth rather than the success and effort you had/made before you gave birth.  Not every job will suit every person, there is not a "type" who SAHM's "better" or more happily than any other.

I absolutely think that that there is a "types" that SAHMs more HAPPILY than others. How else do you explain the fact that some women feel being a mom is the hardest job they have ever had and some think it's the easiest. Why wouldn't being a SAHM be like any other job?
 

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#183 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:43 AM
 
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I know what she means. If you have an actual career that is your life's passion and very important to you, don't quit! (Or think twice about it) If you're working at a crappy, low paying job, chances are you can save more money by being at home and if you DID need to work again, it isn't that hard to get back into the grind. No advancement opportunities means 5-10-20 years later, you're working at the same level you were in the beginning, whether or not you took time off to be a SAHP. It sucks, but it's true. At least in the work I'm thinking of. 


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#184 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 09:20 AM
 
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Also, if you have a career, you likely went to school for several years to get to that point (not always, just generalizing), and maybe even have student loans as a result.  Then, if you were working for a while before starting a family, you probably based your living expenses off two salaries.  That's part of why a PP wants to go back to work, right?  She says she misses the income and lifestyle, plus being a SAHM isn't what she's cut out for.  So, I do think that's absolutely a valid factor in this whole debate.  I don't think she was trying to offend those who maybe didn't love their jobs or happened to work for an hourly rate - though I see how it came across that way. 

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#185 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 09:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jojomamma View Post

I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 



That's incredibly offensive.  It perpetuates the image that only unsuccessful/unambitious/stupid people are more suited to being a SAHM.  I'm really sorry being a SAHM isn't working out for you, but it's probably because of the personality you have had since birth rather than the success and effort you had/made before you gave birth.  Not every job will suit every person, there is not a "type" who SAHM's "better" or more happily than any other.


Absolutely. This was one of the most offensive things I've seen on here. I hope that it was somehow a miscommunication.
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#186 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 10:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jojomamma View Post

I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 


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Wow...that's...unbelievable. 

 

So basically, if you are a professional making lots of money, you should keep your job and hire one of those "hourly wage employees" to take care of your child? Since, you know, if you are only an hourly wage employee, you couldn't possibly find joy in your job so you might as well just quit and be a SAHM. shake.gif

 

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#187 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 10:16 AM
 
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Also, if you have a career, you likely went to school for several years to get to that point (not always, just generalizing), and maybe even have student loans as a result.  Then, if you were working for a while before starting a family, you probably based your living expenses off two salaries.  That's part of why a PP wants to go back to work, right?  She says she misses the income and lifestyle, plus being a SAHM isn't what she's cut out for.  So, I do think that's absolutely a valid factor in this whole debate.  I don't think she was trying to offend those who maybe didn't love their jobs or happened to work for an hourly rate - though I see how it came across that way. 


See, the problem with both those lines of thought is that it is a sweeping generality and paints BOTH sides inaccurately. 

 

There are people who have a college degree, a successful career, student loans, and still don't hesitate to be a SAHM. People like, me. :)  We did not base our lifestyle on two incomes because we knew we wanted to have children and wanted one of us at home with them. 

 

Whether or not a personality type is best suited for being a SAHP is not directly related to the type of job or amount of money you make, IMHO. 

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#188 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 10:22 AM
 
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Also, if you have a career, you likely went to school for several years to get to that point (not always, just generalizing), and maybe even have student loans as a result.  Then, if you were working for a while before starting a family, you probably based your living expenses off two salaries.  That's part of why a PP wants to go back to work, right?  She says she misses the income and lifestyle, plus being a SAHM isn't what she's cut out for.  So, I do think that's absolutely a valid factor in this whole debate.  I don't think she was trying to offend those who maybe didn't love their jobs or happened to work for an hourly rate - though I see how it came across that way. 


See, the problem with both those lines of thought is that it is a sweeping generality and paints BOTH sides inaccurately. 

 

There are people who have a college degree, a successful career, student loans, and still don't hesitate to be a SAHM. People like, me. :)  We did not base our lifestyle on two incomes because we knew we wanted to have children and wanted one of us at home with them. 

 

Whether or not a personality type is best suited for being a SAHP is not directly related to the type of job or amount of money you make, IMHO. 



Oh, I know.  I totally get where you are coming from.  If I had a successful, professional, high paying awesome wonderful fabulous career, I am pretty sure I would have still wanted to be a SAHM - at least while my children were really little.  I was just trying to see it from the PP point of view, b/c I don't think she was trying to offend anyone. 

 

I know someone who works a night shift at a big box store and gets paid a little more than min. wage, yet she wanted to go back to work after each of her babies were born - not only for the bit of help it provided financially, but for her own sanity and preference, too.  The kids go to daycare during the day while she sleeps and her DH and her don't see much of each other - but it works for them, and she's happy with that decision, even though it's not a necessity that she work, in fact, with three kids in daycare, it doesn't even work out that well financially for them.

 

Maybe the PP who offended some will come back and clarify.  Everyone takes this personally b/c it is entirely personal and we each have our own unique situation.  This is a big decision, something that has tons and tons of variable to consider.  I understand, even though it doesn't apply to me, how certain careers might impact that choice more than others.  That's all.


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#189 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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Whether or not a personality type is best suited for being a SAHP is not directly related to the type of job or amount of money you make, IMHO. 


 

Yes.  This.  My wife and I both have doctoral degrees in our fields.  But my personality type is generally more suited to free-form days at home with small babies, while my wife really goes nuts in those kinds of situations.  So I stay home.  Our careers had very little to do with it, although it didn't hurt things that my career is a freelance one... meaning that as long as I keep my skill set up while staying home, I shouldn't have much trouble getting back into the workforce when the kids get to be school-age.


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i think it does take a certain type of person (man or woman) to be home with the kids full time. it doesn't matter if you have a fancy college degree or just some hourly wage job, some people just are better parents when they work outside the home even part time then staying home full time. i don't think that makes one type better then another type, just different. 

i think you can't make all of your life choices based on fear and what if's. there are just too many. how do i know that my dh will not leave me in another 5 or 10 years? i don't know for sure, but i feel pretty darn sure that he won't. i can't live with that sort of fear hanging over me. PLUS i am not willing to miss out on this opportunity to be home full time with my kids just because maybe something might possibly happen sometime in the future that might possibly leave me with little money. 

 

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#191 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 11:34 AM
 
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Also, if you have a career, you likely went to school for several years to get to that point (not always, just generalizing), and maybe even have student loans as a result.  Then, if you were working for a while before starting a family, you probably based your living expenses off two salaries.  That's part of why a PP wants to go back to work, right?  She says she misses the income and lifestyle, plus being a SAHM isn't what she's cut out for.  So, I do think that's absolutely a valid factor in this whole debate.  I don't think she was trying to offend those who maybe didn't love their jobs or happened to work for an hourly rate - though I see how it came across that way. 


See, the problem with both those lines of thought is that it is a sweeping generality and paints BOTH sides inaccurately. 

 

There are people who have a college degree, a successful career, student loans, and still don't hesitate to be a SAHM. People like, me. :)  We did not base our lifestyle on two incomes because we knew we wanted to have children and wanted one of us at home with them. 

 

Whether or not a personality type is best suited for being a SAHP is not directly related to the type of job or amount of money you make, IMHO. 



Oh, I know.  I totally get where you are coming from.  If I had a successful, professional, high paying awesome wonderful fabulous career, I am pretty sure I would have still wanted to be a SAHM - at least while my children were really little.  I was just trying to see it from the PP point of view, b/c I don't think she was trying to offend anyone

 

I know someone who works a night shift at a big box store and gets paid a little more than min. wage, yet she wanted to go back to work after each of her babies were born - not only for the bit of help it provided financially, but for her own sanity and preference, too.  The kids go to daycare during the day while she sleeps and her DH and her don't see much of each other - but it works for them, and she's happy with that decision, even though it's not a necessity that she work, in fact, with three kids in daycare, it doesn't even work out that well financially for them.

 

Maybe the PP who offended some will come back and clarify.  Everyone takes this personally b/c it is entirely personal and we each have our own unique situation.  This is a big decision, something that has tons and tons of variable to consider.  I understand, even though it doesn't apply to me, how certain careers might impact that choice more than others.  That's all.


I hear you. And I applaud you for being able to take a step back and think about it from her perspective and not assume the worst intention. I should try harder to do the same. :)

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Wow.  I find this line of thinking incredibly offensive.  Not all SAHP's are unambitious or lazy.  If anything, leaving a secure career in the midst of a recession to raise a family takes more hard work and courage than any other job I've had.  

 

I have an MA and BA.  I had a well-paid, salaried job in a field I loved and made as much money as my husband.  But I was happy to quit my job to SAH with my son.  A few reasons:  1. I was good at my job, and, frankly, I don't think it would be incredibly difficult to step back into my career.  It might take a little time and I may need to take a few college classes to refresh my skills, but I am sure I would find something.  2.  I endured three years of infertility before getting pregnant with my son.  In my darkest moments during that time, I promised myself I would give my all to motherhood when/if we were blessed with a child.  SAH is (to me) a fulfillment of that promise.  3. As I've mentioned before, my mother's early death brought me to a harsh realization that my career will always be waiting for me, but my son's most formative years will not.  We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 

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As a SAHM who has never had a career I agree. I didn't find it offensive at all. There is a big difference in having a career you find rewarding and just working at a random job. If I decided to go back to work to better ensure my economic independence etc. I would not be going back to a career or job I was good at or loved. For me and a lot of the SAHMs I know this factors into the decision. In that way, I am a feminist nightmare. I have always wanted to be a SAHM partly because I watched my mom work (not by choice) when she just wanted to be home. I don't enjoy external pressure, deadlines or arbitrary rules. As a self-directed introvert, cooking, cleaning up toddler messes and runny noses all day etc. daydreaming about projects that I may or may not start IS the job that suits me best. I PERSONALLY do not think being a SAHM is a hard job because ANY other job would be harder for ME. I not unsocial, I enjoyed the job I worked at for 5 years that put me through college. I liked having coworkers etc. I am smart, responsible and able to navigate office politics. BUT I definitely fit the stereotype of an unsuccessful unambitious person who is better suited to be a SAHM. As in, I can't think of any non-financial cons of staying home.

 

 


 

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Originally Posted by jojomamma View Post

I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 


 


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#193 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 01:19 PM
 
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Meh, it's another Tiger Mom article IMO, written to provoke. It's not like it's any new information--being out of the workforce for a decade or more will impact your financial well-being!--so she gave it a nice poignant spin with her days of skateboarding, etc. I mean, seriously, her spouse could write an article tomorrow against marriage and kids since he's now in his prime earning years, yet diverting cash to kids he never sees and supporting a house he doesn't live in.

 

I do agree w/ a PP that moms bear the brunt of parenthood. I wanted to be a SAHM and feel lucky that I can do so, but realistically, I have no desire to go back to work b/c then I'd have 2 jobs. I was sick for the last couple of days and you should see my house. It's disgusting. And DH stayed home from work to help out! So yes to making meals, doing dishes, grocery shopping, entertaining kids, no to wiping down counters, sweeping, vacuuming, laundry, or picking up a bazillion toys off the floor. The idea of doing all I do AND earning a paycheck--it makes me weak. I feel I have to gamble on my marriage lasting, hedging my bets w/ my own IRA, big insurance policy on hubs, etc, because the alternative seems like a horrible slog of hard work.

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#194 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 01:32 PM
 
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We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.


Well actually I think the point of the PP was that for some women a career is not just a way to pay the bills, but instead vital to identity and well being. Obviously for women like this being a SAHM is not a good decision.

I'm guessing she made the assumption that hourly wage earners generally don't have the same sort of identity investment in their jobs and so are less likely to suffer alienation as a result of SAHMing.

ETA: Because the above is how I understand her line of thought I don;t see how its offensive. I think some folks are looking a little hard for reasons to take stuff personally.
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#195 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 02:03 PM
 
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"Yes, I will be able to get a job.  Will I have the cushy life I have now?  No.  And I don't really care.  This was never a priority for me anyway."

 

I'm not sure who originally posted this, but I agree totally. I used to WOH, and I live better now than I did then. I have no desire for a career, and even if I'd never been a SAH (eg. if my fertility issues really had been me, not my ex, and ds1 had been an only child), I wouldn't be living a cushy life. I know my situation is odd, as I'm one of the few people I know who had a better financial situation after my divorce than before (even without any child support), but I don't look at things from this kind of perspective. If the economy is even remotely working, I'll find some kind of job if I end up single again. I won't particularly like it, most likely, but I'm okay with that, too. I don't like WOH at all. And, if I have to pay in the long run for being able to be a SAHM, I'm okay with that, too. This was, and is, my dream. Lots of people, in all walks of life, pay a lot for their dreams. In many cases, the bill comes due before you get there (eg. Olympic athletes, people in professions requiring advance degrees, etc.). In my case, it may come due afterwards. That's the only difference I see.

 

... and I also agree that while our good decisions at various junctures have given everyone in this family a lot of security in the event of crisis, our game plan was founded on above-average income from a very young age, and it's really NOT attainable for most people in their thirties. So I feel like an edge case SAHM, and when other SAHMs I know IRL go back to work or cut lifestyle in order to build their savings, I inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) cheer, because I would hate to see somebody I cared about have a financial crisis on top of a marital crisis. 

 

I'm kind of an edge SAHM, I think, but in the other direction. I'm getting a free ride right now, imo. I'm not doing a great job of building my savings, for various reasons...but neither is dh. We've chosen to continue to live in a very high COL area, on only one income. We're also still supporting ds1, which is really expensive. DH came into married life with a stepson, and basically started his earning years with an expensive dependent (I mean ds1, not me, although that could apply to me, too!). So, we build, a tiny bit at a time. But, I wouldn't be rolling in it, even if I weren't home.

 

I just think people need to look at their situation with open eyes, yk? It doesn't sound like the woman who wrote the article did that.




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#196 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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I know what she means. If you have an actual career that is your life's passion and very important to you, don't quit! (Or think twice about it) If you're working at a crappy, low paying job, chances are you can save more money by being at home and if you DID need to work again, it isn't that hard to get back into the grind. No advancement opportunities means 5-10-20 years later, you're working at the same level you were in the beginning, whether or not you took time off to be a SAHP. It sucks, but it's true. At least in the work I'm thinking of. 


What does that have to do with being an hourly wage earner? What about nurses and medical techs and hundreds of other jobs that require education, dedication, and still pay hourly? That's not "any old job", and some people love their factory jobs and waitressing jobs. They don't just take them because it's the first thing they find. And ambition isn't everything. There are ambitious nurses who make hourly wages and there are unambitious lawyers.

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#197 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 02:55 PM
 
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Ambitious SAHM with a graduate degree here. Do you think I'd be even happier if I set the thing on fire? eyesroll.gif
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#198 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 04:03 PM
 
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Was there a post that referred to SAHPs as lazy? Maybe it got deleted?

 

I describe myself as unambitious. I am far from lazy and, on occasion, I impress myself and others with just how much I do accomplish.

 

Is some of this mismatch of reactions because we have different understanding of what "ambitious" means? I understand the definition to be: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power. 

 

I sometimes have goals that get me motivated enough to get up hours before my family does and to stay up after they have gone to bed. Even at the height of these motivated periods I consider myself unambitious because I have a narrow, specific definition of the word. Do so some of you think unambitious=lazy??

 

My being unambitious makes it easier for me to be happy as a SAHM. I don't see how an ambitious person could be very happy for very long being a SAHP. I would even go so far as to say that if you are ambitious SAH parenting for long is not for you...
 

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Wow.  I find this line of thinking incredibly offensive.  Not all SAHP's are unambitious or lazy.  If anything, leaving a secure career in the midst of a recession to raise a family takes more hard work and courage than any other job I've had.  

 

I have an MA and BA.  I had a well-paid, salaried job in a field I loved and made as much money as my husband.  But I was happy to quit my job to SAH with my son.  A few reasons:  1. I was good at my job, and, frankly, I don't think it would be incredibly difficult to step back into my career.  It might take a little time and I may need to take a few college classes to refresh my skills, but I am sure I would find something.  2.  I endured three years of infertility before getting pregnant with my son.  In my darkest moments during that time, I promised myself I would give my all to motherhood when/if we were blessed with a child.  SAH is (to me) a fulfillment of that promise.  3. As I've mentioned before, my mother's early death brought me to a harsh realization that my career will always be waiting for me, but my son's most formative years will not.  We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 

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As a SAHM who has never had a career I agree. I didn't find it offensive at all. There is a big difference in having a career you find rewarding and just working at a random job. If I decided to go back to work to better ensure my economic independence etc. I would not be going back to a career or job I was good at or loved. For me and a lot of the SAHMs I know this factors into the decision. In that way, I am a feminist nightmare. I have always wanted to be a SAHM partly because I watched my mom work (not by choice) when she just wanted to be home. I don't enjoy external pressure, deadlines or arbitrary rules. As a self-directed introvert, cooking, cleaning up toddler messes and runny noses all day etc. daydreaming about projects that I may or may not start IS the job that suits me best. I PERSONALLY do not think being a SAHM is a hard job because ANY other job would be harder for ME. I not unsocial, I enjoyed the job I worked at for 5 years that put me through college. I liked having coworkers etc. I am smart, responsible and able to navigate office politics. BUT I definitely fit the stereotype of an unsuccessful unambitious person who is better suited to be a SAHM. As in, I can't think of any non-financial cons of staying home.

 

 


 

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I can completely relate to this article and I have only been a SAHM for 3 months. I obviously made my decision too hastily since almost immediately I realized that it is not for me. I love my son to pieces, but I was definitly a better mom when I was working. I stress too much about money and now the fear of not earning my own money is almost paralyzing me. I am not enjoying the time I have with my son the way I did during his first year while I was working. I miss my old house, the security of a dual income, and my friends and family we had to leave to make this possible. I hope I realized my mistake early enough to find another job. However, my field will necessitate a move to another town if I find a job, which will leave my husband job hunting. We had to move for a better paying job for him for me to be able to quit. Needless to say, I feel incredibly quilty and stupid. I am now applying for jobs, but I am afraid about how long it will take and what my husband will be able to find if I do take a position in another town.

 

My advice to moms is, if you have a career you love and have worked really hard at, think twice before quitting to be a SAHM. However, if you are already an hourly wage employee and do not have strong career ambitions, then being a SAHM will more likely suit you.

 


 

 


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#199 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 06:20 PM
 
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You can be an ambitious SAHM.

am·bi·tion   
[am-bish-uhn]
–noun
1.
an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment: Too much ambition caused him to be disliked by his colleagues.
2.
the object, state, or result desired or sought after: The crown was his ambition.
3.
desire for work or activity; energy: I awoke feeling tired and utterly lacking in ambition.

I have 5 kids. Obviously I had enough ambition to get those kids with all of the work and activity I do. I feel being a good mother (as a SAHM or WOHM or WAHM) is an ambition for many people that has nothing to do with working one's way up the career ladder.

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#200 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 06:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post

We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 




Well actually I think the point of the PP was that for some women a career is not just a way to pay the bills, but instead vital to identity and well being. Obviously for women like this being a SAHM is not a good decision.

I'm guessing she made the assumption that hourly wage earners generally don't have the same sort of identity investment in their jobs and so are less likely to suffer alienation as a result of SAHMing.

ETA: Because the above is how I understand her line of thought I don;t see how its offensive. I think some folks are looking a little hard for reasons to take stuff personally.

 

Yeah, to me having a career is an essential part of who I am - I could never SAH - I need to have an identity outside of mom-hood, and I need to talk about things other than teeth and spit up occasionally.  SAHM would be drive me up the wall insane, and I would probably end up running away.  Not good for me, and not good for my baby.


No one is saying that SAHM's are lazy - the one thing we ALL have in common is momhood, and I think I say that ALL of us know that mom's are NOT lazy.  Children don't raise themselves, whether mom works in the home raising kids full time, or kids go to daycare while mom works out of the home.

 

BUT - if you are a career woman, and you LOVE your job (heck, if you are hourly wage worker and you LOVE your job), think twice before quitting to raise kids, b/c you may not LOVE being a SAHM.  All mom's work hard.  ALL mom's work hard.  Some just choose a different path.  And if a mom LOVES her job before kids, she should probably think twice before leaving it, b/c in this economy, it may not be so easy to get it back.

 

ETA - this is not to say that someone who LOVED their job before quitting will regret quitting to become a SAHM, just that it shouldn't be a decision taken lightly or made spur of the moment.

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#201 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post

We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 




Well actually I think the point of the PP was that for some women a career is not just a way to pay the bills, but instead vital to identity and well being. Obviously for women like this being a SAHM is not a good decision.

I'm guessing she made the assumption that hourly wage earners generally don't have the same sort of identity investment in their jobs and so are less likely to suffer alienation as a result of SAHMing.

ETA: Because the above is how I understand her line of thought I don;t see how its offensive. I think some folks are looking a little hard for reasons to take stuff personally.

 

Yeah, to me having a career is an essential part of who I am - I could never SAH - I need to have an identity outside of mom-hood, and I need to talk about things other than teeth and spit up occasionally.  SAHM would be drive me up the wall insane, and I would probably end up running away.  Not good for me, and not good for my baby.

 

see, i agree with everything else you said. but the above is pretty obnoxious.  just cause you're a SAHM doesn't mean that that is all you think about.  Do doctors only talk about their medical stuff? seriously?  i know that it is easy for some people to focus 100% on their kids.  but just cause i SAH doesn't mean i don't have a life outside of my kids, that i don't participate in other things that interest me outside of my family. anymore or less than a WOHM.  and that attitude is as much a part of the mommy wars as saying that you don't care as much as i do cause you WOH.

 


No one is saying that SAHM's are lazy - the one thing we ALL have in common is momhood, and I think I say that ALL of us know that mom's are NOT lazy.  Children don't raise themselves, whether mom works in the home raising kids full time, or kids go to daycare while mom works out of the home.

 

BUT - if you are a career woman, and you LOVE your job (heck, if you are hourly wage worker and you LOVE your job), think twice before quitting to raise kids, b/c you may not LOVE being a SAHM.  All mom's work hard.  ALL mom's work hard.  Some just choose a different path.  And if a mom LOVES her job before kids, she should probably think twice before leaving it, b/c in this economy, it may not be so easy to get it back.

 

ETA - this is not to say that someone who LOVED their job before quitting will regret quitting to become a SAHM, just that it shouldn't be a decision taken lightly or made spur of the moment.



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#202 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:36 PM
 
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"Yeah, to me having a career is an essential part of who I am - I could never SAH - I need to have an identity outside of mom-hood, and I need to talk about things other than teeth and spit up occasionally. SAHM would be drive me up the wall insane, and I would probably end up running away. Not good for me, and not good for my baby."

 

 

I'm pretty offended by that too. Just because I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 7 years doesn't mean my brain has turned to mush and I'm unable to carry on a coherent conversation about something other than vomit. I have an identity other than being a mom. I'm also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a volunteer, and countless other things. Yes, some days I feel like I'm going nuts and want to head for the hills but I'm strong and can get through the rough patches.

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#203 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:45 PM
 
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Y'all have been lucky then, because in most of the circles/playgroups I have been exposed to all people want to talk about are their kids (ie. teeth and spit-up). I'm like "hey, what do you think about what's going on in Egypt" and people are like, "Um. So did you know the Gap is having a sale on onsies?"

Ugg!

Disclaimer: This does not mean that all SAHMs have mushy brains as stated by a PP. I know that talking about mom-ish subjects too much makes my brain mushy though, as well as making me want to chew through the prison of my current circumstances with my teeth.

We all have the filter of our own experience. Seriously guys, stop taking everything so personally!
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#204 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 08:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeatherAtHome View Post

I know what she means. If you have an actual career that is your life's passion and very important to you, don't quit! (Or think twice about it) If you're working at a crappy, low paying job, chances are you can save more money by being at home and if you DID need to work again, it isn't that hard to get back into the grind. No advancement opportunities means 5-10-20 years later, you're working at the same level you were in the beginning, whether or not you took time off to be a SAHP. It sucks, but it's true. At least in the work I'm thinking of. 




What does that have to do with being an hourly wage earner? What about nurses and medical techs and hundreds of other jobs that require education, dedication, and still pay hourly? That's not "any old job", and some people love their factory jobs and waitressing jobs. They don't just take them because it's the first thing they find. And ambition isn't everything. There are ambitious nurses who make hourly wages and there are unambitious lawyers.


I used different wording. I made the split between career/life's passion and crappy low paying job. By that definition, nursing, med techs etc fall into "life's passion"/career. I'm sorry you weren't able to see that. My jobs have always fell on the crappy, low paying end. Telemarketing, manufacturing/seamstress, food service etc. The type of job that I, personally, did not enjoy. The type of job you can take off for 5-10-20 years and make the amount of money on reentry that you would if you had stayed on all those years without staying home. I hate them but it's the type of job I'd fall back on and appreciate. Not the type of job I'd stick with so that I don't get left behind. ;)


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#205 of 242 Old 02-08-2011, 11:17 PM
 
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Y'all have been lucky then, because in most of the circles/playgroups I have been exposed to all people want to talk about are their kids (ie. teeth and spit-up). I'm like "hey, what do you think about what's going on in Egypt" and people are like, "Um. So did you know the Gap is having a sale on onsies?"

 

I think I know what you are talking about.  It is the same in all the playgroups I go to.  But... I always chalked it up to the environment of playgroup.  You're around basically perfect strangers and all you have in common is the kids.  And you're expected to be friendly and social - not to get into strenuous debates about religion or politics.  So you talk about the kids. 

 

I am not suuuper interested in talking about potentially controversial topics in a playgroup among people I don't know that well when there's a potential for things to get really heated.  Too many opportunities for hurt feelings, gossip, faux pas, and me saying dumb things.  Talking about kids and parenting is controversial enough for me as it is and gives me anxiety, so I try to keep things neutral even with people I have been seeing off and on for well over a year.  I tend to assume the other moms/dads are feeling this as well. 

 

I save my thoughts about anything for my DP, my close friends, and MDC... lol.

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#206 of 242 Old 02-09-2011, 03:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post

Y'all have been lucky then, because in most of the circles/playgroups I have been exposed to all people want to talk about are their kids (ie. teeth and spit-up). I'm like "hey, what do you think about what's going on in Egypt" and people are like, "Um. So did you know the Gap is having a sale on onsies?"

 

I think I know what you are talking about.  It is the same in all the playgroups I go to.  But... I always chalked it up to the environment of playgroup.  You're around basically perfect strangers and all you have in common is the kids.  And you're expected to be friendly and social - not to get into strenuous debates about religion or politics.  So you talk about the kids. 

 

I am not suuuper interested in talking about potentially controversial topics in a playgroup among people I don't know that well when there's a potential for things to get really heated.  Too many opportunities for hurt feelings, gossip, faux pas, and me saying dumb things.  Talking about kids and parenting is controversial enough for me as it is and gives me anxiety, so I try to keep things neutral even with people I have been seeing off and on for well over a year.  I tend to assume the other moms/dads are feeling this as well. 

 

I save my thoughts about anything for my DP, my close friends, and MDC... lol.

 

This.  It's a playgroup.  Ever noticed how people at the antenatal classes talk about their pregnancies.  I guess they crawl back under their rock when the baby is out and the only thing they could discuss is over...?  No.  Go to a book club or a debate group.  You will meet SAHM's who are terrifyingly intelligent and articulate and know ALL about Egypt.

 

 

 

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#207 of 242 Old 02-09-2011, 04:51 AM
 
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I had a career that I loved before babies (midwifery), and when I had a baby, I lost the passion for it.  It was a rocky transition for a while, but now, 4.5 years into it, I can honestly say that I don't have the passion for it I once did.  I could not give myself to pregnant and laboring women the way that I used to. 

 

I did throw myself into mothering just as much as I used to throw myself into birth.  The passion shifted, but not without some growing pains along the way. 


And, for the PP that asked if doctors only talk about medicine.  Have you ever been around a group of doctors/care providers/nurses?  Yep, that is pretty much all that they talk about. 

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#208 of 242 Old 02-09-2011, 05:44 AM
 
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"Yeah, to me having a career is an essential part of who I am - I could never SAH - I need to have an identity outside of mom-hood, and I need to talk about things other than teeth and spit up occasionally. SAHM would be drive me up the wall insane, and I would probably end up running away. Not good for me, and not good for my baby."

 

 

I'm pretty offended by that too. Just because I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 7 years doesn't mean my brain has turned to mush and I'm unable to carry on a coherent conversation about something other than vomit. I have an identity other than being a mom. I'm also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a volunteer, and countless other things. Yes, some days I feel like I'm going nuts and want to head for the hills but I'm strong and can get through the rough patches.


Well, when I was staying at home (on break from school) my brain DID turn to mush, or at least it felt like it.  I HATED staying at home, never doing anything, never seeing my non-mom friends, not using my brain to think about anything other than the next diaper change.  I'm sorry it offended you, but thats what SAH was like for me.  Maybe its different for you, but I could not do that.  It is NOT something I could do, or want to do.  My child is better off when I have a life outside of them - and not just when my partner isn't working.

 

I've seen many people post that they "are like a single mom" b/c their partner works 24/7 and so they get no help, and I just am not interested in that at all.  It would be a NIGHTMARE for me.  Truly.  It's not for some, for some people thats what they want to do, and SAHM is what they're good at, and what they love.  I love my child and live for him, but I could not SAH.  It would not be a pretty picture.

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#209 of 242 Old 02-09-2011, 07:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post

"Yeah, to me having a career is an essential part of who I am - I could never SAH - I need to have an identity outside of mom-hood, and I need to talk about things other than teeth and spit up occasionally. SAHM would be drive me up the wall insane, and I would probably end up running away. Not good for me, and not good for my baby."

 

 

I'm pretty offended by that too. Just because I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 7 years doesn't mean my brain has turned to mush and I'm unable to carry on a coherent conversation about something other than vomit. I have an identity other than being a mom. I'm also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a volunteer, and countless other things. Yes, some days I feel like I'm going nuts and want to head for the hills but I'm strong and can get through the rough patches.


Well, when I was staying at home (on break from school) my brain DID turn to mush, or at least it felt like it.  I HATED staying at home, never doing anything, never seeing my non-mom friends, not using my brain to think about anything other than the next diaper change.  I'm sorry it offended you, but thats what SAH was like for me.  Maybe its different for you, but I could not do that.  It is NOT something I could do, or want to do.  My child is better off when I have a life outside of them - and not just when my partner isn't working.

 

I've seen many people post that they "are like a single mom" b/c their partner works 24/7 and so they get no help, and I just am not interested in that at all.  It would be a NIGHTMARE for me.  Truly.  It's not for some, for some people thats what they want to do, and SAHM is what they're good at, and what they love.  I love my child and live for him, but I could not SAH.  It would not be a pretty picture.


No offense or anything, but why are you in this forum, then? I doubt it'd be taken well if I went into the Working Parents forum and went on about how much I hated WOH and would never do it. Right?

And I agree-it's a playgroup. In most I've been to there's a bit of a taboo against talking religion/politics because it's for the kids to play and it almost always ends with harsh feelings when those topics are brought up. And it's not just SAHPs who talk a lot about their kids. All parents do that. It's not that they have nothing better to talk about. Just like when I was a philosophy major, all I wanted to talk about was philosophy. Not because that's all I knew or was interested in, but that was at the top of my mind. And having worked at two hospitals in several different professional roles, yes, doctors and nurses do often talk almost exclusively about medical things. That and gossip about relationships. lol.gif

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#210 of 242 Old 02-09-2011, 07:06 AM
 
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Well, when I was staying at home (on break from school) my brain DID turn to mush, or at least it felt like it.  I HATED staying at home, never doing anything, never seeing my non-mom friends, not using my brain to think about anything other than the next diaper change.  I'm sorry it offended you, but thats what SAH was like for me.  Maybe its different for you, but I could not do that.  It is NOT something I could do, or want to do.  My child is better off when I have a life outside of them - and not just when my partner isn't working.

 

I've seen many people post that they "are like a single mom" b/c their partner works 24/7 and so they get no help, and I just am not interested in that at all.  It would be a NIGHTMARE for me.  Truly.  It's not for some, for some people thats what they want to do, and SAHM is what they're good at, and what they love.  I love my child and live for him, but I could not SAH.  It would not be a pretty picture.



No offense or anything, but why are you in this forum, then? I doubt it'd be taken well if I went into the Working Parents forum and went on about how much I hated WOH and would never do it. Right? And I agree-it's a playgroup. In most I've been to there's a bit of a taboo against talking religion/politics because it's for the kids to play and it almost always ends with harsh feelings when those topics are brought up. And it's not just SAHPs who talk a lot about their kids. All parents do that. It's not that they have nothing better to talk about. Just like when I was a philosophy major, all I wanted to talk about was philosophy. Not because that's all I knew or was interested in, but that was at the top of my mind. And having worked at two hospitals in several different professional roles, yes, doctors and nurses do often talk almost exclusively about medical things. That and gossip about relationships. lol.gif


b/c I read the article and gave my thoughts.  You're welcome to come over to working parents and read our books/articles too, and give your thoughts.

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