Differences in parenting styles and marital problems - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 03-20-2011, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

I'm a SAHM to two children (2.5 years and 7 weeks). Eversince pregnany, I read a lot of books and websites about pregnancy and parenting and came to create my parenting style that way. I had no idea about it before since I grew up with no younger siblings or relatives. I take issues with my husband when it comes to parenting, a lot. He yells at my our older child (son), makes him eat his food, yells at him for waking up at night and tries to force him into potty training (by the way of shaming). I explained to him a gazillion times how I do not approve of those methods, I mean I even am ok with time outs at this point on the stairs, as long as all this yelling will stop. I'm not perfect myself at all and I certainly don't claim so, yet DH insists that I just paint him as bad person. It is a really tricky situation and a downward spiral. He says he wants the best for our children but I fail to see that when he yells at our son for waking up in the middle of the night - mostly because his blanket fell and he needs it put back up.

Along with those issues I had a crappy pregnancy with lots of pain and preterm issues while caring for our house and son all day, so at the end of the day I was just exhausted. DH kept complaining about not having sex, which was off the table for the preterm issues. I do understand him, but I felt it's just 6 months of our lives, so we have plenty of time to catch up right? We didn't agree and he got really mad, basically, TMI here, asking for a lot of sexual services on a regular basis. I do know men are wired that way, but I also feel I should get cut some slack for feeling crappy (not all the time, but a little would be nice). I also have a hard time wanting anything sexual when I feel so disappointed and sad about his parenting style. I just can't wipe it from my memory.

It goes that far that I don't feel like hugging him or anything, and he complains rightly so that I do not show affection or appreciation. I just can't bring myself to doing it. I'm so upset about the negative treatment our son gets, let alone me too (I'm a foreigner and hence make mistakes, and he corrects me mid-sentence despite me asking to wait to finish my thoughts, or he loves sarcastic jokes and makes fun of me all the time). I do know he needs to hear I love him but I don't even know how to! I would love therapy, but we are not allowed to or the military will kick him out (his job requires a certain protocol, and people in therapy count as risk).

Also, when we discuss, I ask him things and well basically he never says anything. When I do something to upset him, he will just leave and say nothing. There is no discussion, if I bring things up or ask him to talk he will complain that I just blame him (well if I say he needs to talk or things won't change, that means I blame him). I do want to make things better, but I can't do it for myself, I really need him to talk to me or outside help. I feel the situation is completely messed up...

I must add that I'm not the only one taking issue with his behavior. HIs mom and family agree that his parenting is harsh and unfair to our son, they even say they don't like how he talks to me. I sometimes I feel I should leave, but I feel I have nowhere to go or that this could work out. I probably don't see all the things I do wrong, but I am not afraid of people telling me what to change, I just can't figure it out. But there is one thing I won't budge on, and that is proper treatment for my children. If you have any advice, please let me know.

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#2 of 2 Old 03-24-2011, 04:58 PM
 
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Wow it sounds like you have gone through a lot! I understand the conflict of parenting styles. My husband and I do not agree and with the amount of stress an depression I am dealing with causes ME to lose my temper easier.

I would suggest seeing if you can find a parenting class you both can attend. They had a class here recently called Scream Free parenting. I wanted to go but we wound up doing something different. Check out their website and see if they might have some resources you can use either DVDs or podcasts.

I don't remember if it was a Christian program or not but it was held at a church.

Maybe someone else will have other ideas about how your husband can learn a more kinder approach. I know that men/women in the military deal with issues that civilians do not. And to deny a family counsel is unreasonable in my opinion.

I will be praying for your family
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