Is it your job to figure out and make the meals on the weekend or your DP's days off too? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It's my job.

DH has never given it a thought. He just considers it part of my job.

I told him I look forward to our weekends, but all I see for myself is another day of feeding everyone.

I wish sometimes YOU would plan the food or make a meal.

He said "That's your thing, just like shoveling the snow off the driveway, mowing the lawn, raking leaves.............................................. is my thing."

 

The difference is; I'm doing this 7 days a week. Laundry- 7 days a week.

Not to mention nursing a baby all night.

How does he NOT see the inequity? He just doesnt see it.

 

I don't mind most of the time. I do a menu every Monday and I'm pretty organized, but I just get sick of standing at the kitchen counter 7 days a week. When I need a break, we have to order out, or go out. I have to be careful for the money part though, so I have limited options with that.

 

 

 

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#2 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:24 AM
 
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My dh does not cook, except on rare occasions.  I was out of town yesterday and he send me a text picture of things from the fridge, asking me what they were and could he make food from them :)  It is always my job to cook, unless we are going out, I am very very ill,  there are leftovers or we are having cereal for dinner. I totally understand the "people only eat if I feed them thing".  Dh was out of work for 8 months and I told him that ONCE before he went back to work I wanted him to cook a meal.  He went to the grocery store and bought brats and buns :):)  I married him too young, before he learned how to feed himself.

 

BUT!!!  We share most chores (I cook, 75% of the time, he does the dishes), I do the laundry, he folds, the kids put away...stuff like that.  

 

Can you try maybe freezing casseroles for those days you don't want to cook?  Come up with very simple meals that he can put together?  Like, boil pasta, add jar of sauce, type things?  If it were me (because I'm like this) I would just tell him to figure out dinner.  As in, it's Saturday afternoon and we're just hanging out at home.  I would say "I'm not cooking tonight, if you want to throw together some dinner there is A)______ B)_______ and C)_______that you could toss together in a pan and bake for 35 minutes.  A monkey could do that :)

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#3 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:28 AM
 
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I am not a regular in this forum as I am not a SAHM but the thread title called out to me.  Meal planning and cooking is the biggest source of stress in our family.  It was the only thing we truly argued about.  We have been together for 17 years and for good or bad, a definate division of labor has developed.

 

My DH will not offer an opinion about a meal (except that he will not eat anything processed/from a box) and his attempts to cook make me want to weep.  (he simply can't cook)

 

After years of asking his opinion, I now cook what I want to eat.  The other night I did a simple pasta tossed with argula, lemon juice, parm cheese and olive oil.  He didn't like it but oh well.  Once is a while, I will say something like "I am making a plan, what are you hungry for?"  Sometimes, like this weekend, he surprises me by offering up some ideas. 


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#4 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:42 AM
 
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My dh is the weekend cook. It's truly awesome to get a break.

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#5 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:47 AM
 
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Maybe it's because its I am a new SAHP but we don't think so black and white nor are we keeping score on who does what. shrug.gif

 

Our "jobs" are pretty much broken up into our strengths but each of us picks up the slack when needed. My strength is budgeting, shopping and cooking. His strength is laundry, organization and heavy lifting. So I do the majority of the food related things and he handles the laundry. recycling, trash etc. However If I am beat after a long week he might do the grocery shopping the same way I might haul the trash down to the curb if he is having a tough week.

 

However since you got that kind of response from your husband and since you said you are pretty organized have you thought about feeding the freezer and/or doing some creative cooking that would give you a break a few times a week? For example its just as easy to roast two chickens as it is to roast one. One can be used for a weekday/weekend meal and the other can be turned into chicken salad, burritos, quesidilla, pot pie, etc. 

 

Make double batches of lasagna, meatballs, soups, stews, etc and put the extra in the freezer to pull out when you want a night off. It doesn't take any more time to make 2 or 3 of things at the same time.

 

I make my own pizza  and freeze them for quick easy "take out" meals. I do the same with burritos and chinese dumplings to satisfy the take out cravings but still stay on budget.

 

Sure these things still require some time in the kitchen (and you have to remember to defrost!) but it sure beats "standing at the counter".  Also your husband might be more willing to help out if you told him "There is a lasagna/pizza/burrito in the freezer.  Can you pop it in the oven at 5 and make a salad. I am running to the library/store/gym and will be back by 6". 


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#6 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 06:59 AM
 
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I cook. DH occasionally makes a meal, but it's on a whim of his and nothing I can rely on or plan for. He could say he wants to make dinner that day, but then change his mind, and then I end up needing to cook anyway. 

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#7 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 10:23 AM
 
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DH has never cooked anything, so I'm in charge of the meals. I don't cook everyday, however. I general make 3 big vats of food a week and we eat leftovers.

Wife to amazing dh, mama to dd 12/08
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#8 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 10:46 AM
 
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Yes, it's my job to come up with dinner on the weekends too.  But, I don't cook every day - it's about 1/3 cooking, 1/3 leftovers, 1/3 take-out that dh brings home on his way from work.  (I still make a simple earlier meal for the kids when we take out.)  Also, dh works part of every weekend day usually.  So, he's not quite getting a break either on the weekends. 

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#9 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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Well, my response is very smiliar to your spouse's, sorry.  I was reading and thinking, "of course it's my job to do that on the weekends.  That's my responsibility, regardless of the day of the week, just like feeding the dogs or maintaining the cars is DH's job." 

 

It was my job when I was working full time, weekdays and weekends, why would that change just because I am home now? 

 

DH and DD1 (now 15) sat down a couple of years ago and laid out a chore chart, determining exactly what household responsibilities were whos.  It's gone through changes, as our lifestyle has changed, but household responsibilities are household responsiblities.  Who does what might be based on how long an individual is home, but my job as cook doesn't change just because he happens to be home, just like his job as parent doesn't care if he's been at work all day.  I fully expect him to come home and take the baby, change her diaper, give the little ones a bath, pick the teen up from soccer practice, whatever is needed.  He doesn't get time off from being a responsible member of the house, even if he's been at work all day, I don't get time off just because he came home from work either.

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#10 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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When DH is around he cooks if he knows I am tired, but since he's never really around, I do it all.   What he cooks, while admittedly tasty, is not as healthy as I would like, and he has a fondness for some packaged 'helper' things. 

 

I love cooking, but I resent being chained to it and responsible for everything.  As a result, and since I don't want to resent DH for not doing things, I decided to rethink how meals happen in our house.  I will not HAVE to cook every day.  Evening meals- while nutritious, are not always hot meals- often they are cheese and crackers affairs with hummus and veggies- something really simple. 

 

I have more energy to cook for lunch, so that tends to be our biggest meal of the day (this is also a better time for my kids to eat a heavier meal.)  Leftovers are amazing things.  I often will make a big seemingly fancy meal once a week or so and while I do enjoy something like a roast turkey- I actually use it to facilitate leftovers for the next week.  It takes no time at all to throw together some soup or fajitas or a stir fry when the meat is all leftovers from a previous meal.  We eat vegetarian meals pretty regularly, and I try to keep staples for instant nutritious snacks on hand all the time. 

 

For a while I had a belief that I should cook three meals a day and have wonderful snacks and they should all be made with love and presented beautifully.. and- yeah.  I had a horrible meltdown and emotional crash when I came to terms with the reality that that is not the person I am. I am happy to make sure there is stuff on hand for toast, and that there are hardboiled eggs for snacks.  I will keep cut up veggies and hummus around to gnosh on.  Many nights I will set the crock pot on low with some oatmeal and dried fruit.  We wake up to instant hot breakfast with no effort on my part.  If I pair that with a coffee pot set to turn itself on before I get up, mornings are almost relaxed and fun.  The kids eat a lot of oatmeal, but they like it and they love helping to set it up the night before.  The 2 yo can even choose what to toss in as he tastes the dried fruit while we add stuff to the pot.  I will often make a big batch of waffles or pancakes from scratch.  It takes almost no time to make an extra  bunch of them up and toss them in the freezer.  They reheat easily throughout the next week or so. 

 

Lunches are often our more traditional meal of the day- I toss in a casserole while the kids nap, or I put a chicken and some veggies in to roast at about 10am. It's done when the kids wake up and I can have everything clean and clear so there is no end of the day stress.  Pastas are also quick and easy.  Salad is something I keep made up in the fridge so we can just toss it on as a side dish.  

 

Dinner- catch as catch can- whatever is in the fridge is fair game. It usually is something requiring less than 20 minutes of preparation. 

 

So, take a look at your life, at what is important to you, and find a way to minimize repeat steps.  I know we use a lot of onion, so when I dice one, I dice a few and toss them in a sealed container in the fridge.  When I make a casserole, I make two, and toss one in the freezer for another day.  If I wake up on any given day, I know that I have the food handy to not HAVE to cook that day- and that freedom alone often means I am more inclined to cook something because I enjoy it, and not because I feel obligated to. 

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#11 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 12:00 PM
 
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I was the cook even when I worked although we ate out a lot more back then.  DP seems incapable of following recipe directions even when he tries to cook.  He knows better to complain when it's just leftovers or a fend for yourself night however. 


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#12 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 12:39 PM
 
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I cook on the weekends too. I like to cook, though I know what you mean about it would be nice to have a break. I try to get one or two frozen pizzas every few weeks so on nights I REALLY don't want to cook, there's something DH can throw in the oven. It's not healthy but it's way cheaper than going out.

If you want a break, I'd suggest the frozen pizza or just cooking really big meals on Thursday and Friday and having leftovers on the weekend. If your DH has a problem with it, you can tell him how to fix it!

E, wife to D, mommy to G (born March 2010). joy.gif

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#13 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 01:33 PM
 
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My DH is the cook on the weekend. He needs to understand how difficult it is to come up with healthy, well balanced

meals 3x a day everyday. Not easy and after the second weekend he understood. I look forward to the "day off" as

he chefs up some din din. It's great.

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#14 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 01:34 PM
 
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DH and I both enjoy cooking, so we've taken turns throughout our relationship. Really, barring physical barriers or hopeless logistics (like working during all open banking hours), there's nothing that's ever been completely off-limits to either of us. Right now I'm disabled, so dh does most of the cooking and I pitch in when I can. Flexibility seems to be one of the big assets in our relationship.

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#15 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 04:24 PM
 
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DH and I usually swap cooking breakfast on Sunday because Sunday mornings are busy for us, and I have to be at church before he does. Saturday for breakfast and lunch is iffy, because DH works some Saturdays. When he has time on the weekend though, on saturday and sunday nights (especially during the warmer months) he grills just about every weekend. I still do everything else in the kitchen, like making sides, etc, but he does the grilling, which helps a lot. I usually only ask him to help with the dishes if I'm completely worn out, but otherwise I do the dishes too. I can see this needing to change once the second baby arrives though. During the week is almost impossible to have another helper for meals since he is up by 6, out the door at 6:30 and doesn't get home until between 7:45 and 9pm. Luckily I live close to my mom, and I go to her house a couple times a week for lunch or breakfast :)


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#16 of 47 Old 03-21-2011, 04:27 PM
 
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Oh, I also wanted to mention...crock pot meals are great for when you don't want to be standing at the counter all day. Throw everything in the pot, turn it on, and dinner is instant. Seriously, this was a lifesaver when I was working full time. There were days I'd leave the house at 8:30 and not get home until 8pm. Dinner was hot and ready when I got home.


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#17 of 47 Old 03-22-2011, 10:38 AM
 
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Hmm... I agree with the PP who remarked about it not being so black and white. I am the SAHP and I usually cook dinner. Logistically that just makes the most sense, and because I love to cook. I don't really consider it my job though. The weekends are generally less structured here, and dinner is usually a cooperative effort. Sometimes we eat out, because there's no time during the week. Often DH will grill or smoke something, and I'll make some sides. Last weekend he took DS to the fish market and came home with scallops and pasta. He's a great cook. eat.gif Also, we only have one LO, a toddler, so there's not the pressure of cooking for a bunch of hungry and picky mouths.

I think it's fair to get a break on the weekends if it stresses you out. Do you have older kids who could help out?
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#18 of 47 Old 03-22-2011, 11:58 AM
 
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I need my weekend to look a little different than my weekdays.    I cook all the meals during the week and some on the weekend if DH is busy with heavy lifting chores.  But DH very often cooks and cleans on the weekend.  He gets a break from his day job on the weekend.  I deserve a break from mine.  I wouldn't have married a man that isn't willing to help out around the house.  I watched my mom be a servant her whole life, that's not what I signed up for.

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#19 of 47 Old 03-22-2011, 06:24 PM
 
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My DP is a chef and will absolutely cook when I don't feel up to it. Most of the time I don't mind but I'd not be happy if I HAD to do it always.


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#20 of 47 Old 03-22-2011, 07:28 PM
 
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I'm on tap for weekends too. I don't actually mind cooking. Often I quite like it, and I often enjoy the break from little arms reaching and touching and asking for a few minutes while I cook (if DP is home, he'll often hold the baby, and sometimes even distract the toddler!). What I HATE is always having to be the one responsible for meal planning. If DP would even just make suggestions or requests for weekend meals, I would be a happy camper. If he ever comes up with a balanced, healthy meal and prepares it without asking me to talk him through every step, I will potentially die of shock. Or bliss. Is it possible to die of bliss? :P


For greater things are yet to come...

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#21 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 06:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

Maybe it's because its I am a new SAHP but we don't think so black and white nor are we keeping score on who does what. shrug.gif

 

Our "jobs" are pretty much broken up into our strengths but each of us picks up the slack when needed.

 

 

 

It's really REALLY hard not to keep score when you have been up every hour of every night for over a week with a teething baby.

I feel like, if I were him, I would be so darn glad I was getting to sleep and not have to up all night. I would at least attempt to help when I could.

The thing is.... my DH does NOT pick up on any slack. If there is ever anything I can't do, I have to ask him nicely to do it, and he does it- but sulks. He is not the type that clearly sees the heavy load of laundry needs to be carried down, the sink piling up, the crumbs, the unmade beds, towels all over the floor.............

He just floats around and over these things.

Because of this, I don't ask for much.

Our "jobs" are also broken up into our strengths and most of the time I am very happy doing what I am doing.

I just get very hurt about his attitude on whose job what is. It bothers me that he just takes it all for granted. I've told his this a million times.

Nothing changes and every once in a while I become resentful.

 

 

 

 

 

However since you got that kind of response from your husband and since you said you are pretty organized have you thought about feeding the freezer and/or doing some creative cooking that would give you a break a few times a week? For example its just as easy to roast two chickens as it is to roast one. One can be used for a weekday/weekend meal and the other can be turned into chicken salad, burritos, quesidilla, pot pie, etc. 

 

Yes, I do this kind of thing and I'm good at managing the kitchen, food inventory, meal planning.......

The making ahead is what I'm going to have to do more of.

It's not even the work that upsets me. It's the fact I have had to live my whole life figuring things out for myself (since I was a child), figuring out how to be okay. I wanted more from my partner. It hurts to know that I never had and never will have someone to "take care of me" even for 1 hour of my life.

This is kind of dramatic and this is a sore spot for me, probably due to past injuries.

Lack of sleep makes me shaky and VERY sensitive.

DH is actually a good guy. He loves us all and works hard to make money to support us. I am generally happy with him and wouldnt trade him. I know he wants me to be happy, but he just never quite "gets" things.



 

 

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#22 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 06:28 AM
 
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It's generally my job, but if I don't feel up to it for any reason, whether on weekends or weekdays, I'll tell him and either he'll cook or he'll pick up take-out on his way home from work.  There are no really strict rules around here as far as who does what, but lots of general rules, and yes generally meals are always my thing.  But flexibility keeps things feeling OK to me.

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#23 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 07:04 AM
 
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Is this new behavior on his part or was he like this when you married him? 

Quote:

The thing is.... my DH does NOT pick up on any slack. If there is ever anything I can't do, I have to ask him nicely to do it, and he does it- but sulks. He is not the type that clearly sees the heavy load of laundry needs to be carried down, the sink piling up, the crumbs, the unmade beds, towels all over the floor.............

He just floats around and over these things.

Because of this, I don't ask for much.

Our "jobs" are also broken up into our strengths and most of the time I am very happy doing what I am doing.

I just get very hurt about his attitude on whose job what is. It bothers me that he just takes it all for granted. I've told his this a million times.

Nothing changes and every once in a while I become resentful.

 

 


Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post

It's not even the work that upsets me. It's the fact I have had to live my whole life figuring things out for myself (since I was a child), figuring out how to be okay. I wanted more from my partner. It hurts to know that I never had and never will have someone to "take care of me" even for 1 hour of my life
 

 

 


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#24 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 07:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

 

Is this new behavior on his part or was he like this when you married him? 

 


 

 



He spent 2 years on his BEST behavior and after we got married he started getting comfortable (which is the case for everyone when they get to know each other better)

When we both worked, I got home 1 hour before him and he thought I should have dinner ready. I told him I needed some time to unwind and he should stop being so silly. We went out a lot and I made simple foods (didn't know how to cook yet)

I don't even remember who did what when we both worked. There were no kids yet.

I got pregnant before our first anniversary and had to stop working for medical reasons at about 6 months pregnant.

I was home all day and the running the household was a breeze because I had nothing else to do.

Then came baby #1. He stepped in to help for about 10 days while recovering from a c section, but at that point I could see that he just had "his thing" and "my thing" sorted out in his mind.

It still wasn't a problem because it was delightful with one baby.

Then along came DS. I had a TERRIBLE pregnancy and another c/s. DD1 turned 2 on the day DS came home and it was the same thing. He did what he had to do because I absolutely couldn't.

Now we have 3 and he doesn't see how much more work I have now.

It's just "my thing" in his mind. I've told him how I feel many times and he just doesn't see it.

The crazy part is- I love what I do. I love being a mom, making our meals, taking care of our home.

I'm just SO TIRED! Even if he were to ask me once a week if I needed him to carry anything downstairs on one of his trips, I would feel cared for.

In the scheme of things this is probably pretty petty. I just need to get it off my mind so I don't communicate with him the wrong way.

 

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#25 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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It sounds like Acts of Service is a love language for you, but not him.  You might talk about love languages with him.  Have you read about that?

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#26 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 09:13 AM
 
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Do you plan meals before you shop?  If not you should, this can save you money and you can do it together.  If you shop for 2 weeks plain for 14 meals list them and mark them off as you make them.  

 

My husband is a chef and this method prevents large grocery bills and arguments because of his impulisive cooking nature. 

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#27 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 09:29 AM
 
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It's my job, but if I really don't want to we'll either eat leftovers or he might grill something.  Or smoke it.  He likes to smoke meats because he can be outside all day checking on it while he works (we have a small farm and there are ALWAYS things to be done outside).  Then I can just ask one of the kids to toss a salad together or something if I don't have time.  I enjoy cooking, but certain times of the year we are extremely busy outside or I've been processing meat all day, or canning, or prepping foods for the dehydrator (we have a plug in one and a solar one).  I try to keep some quick things in the freezer (whether it's whole meals or just 'starts').


Happy Homesteading Homeschooling Homebirthing Beekeeping Dready (& a bit redneck even) Mama to 4 fab kids :  dd (23), dd (13), ds (11), dd (5)

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#28 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 09:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

It sounds like Acts of Service is a love language for you, but not him.  You might talk about love languages with him.  Have you read about that?



Acts of service absolutely must be my language. It is the way I show my family and anyone I am close to how I feel.

Any more info on this? Is there a book?

 

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#29 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 09:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

Do you plan meals before you shop?  If not you should, this can save you money and you can do it together.  If you shop for 2 weeks plain for 14 meals list them and mark them off as you make them.  

 

My husband is a chef and this method prevents large grocery bills and arguments because of his impulisive cooking nature. 



He actually isn't even home for dinner, so her could care less and wouldnt want to waste time with the thought.

I actually enjoy doing this and I'm pretty organized with it.

I think I started the post out of frustration and the real issue is deeper.

My longer post responding to Hollybearsmom sums it up.

It's the 7 days and nights a week of housework and taking care of the kids and feeling like he doesn't care.

 

 

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#30 of 47 Old 03-23-2011, 09:59 AM
 
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the author has a site here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ with info about his books and other info as well.  Remember that if his love language isnt' acts of service, it's possible that he isn't getting his needs met either, so I'd help him understand how you express love but also figure out how he expresses it, and hopefully it'll help both of you.

 

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Acts of service absolutely must be my language. It is the way I show my family and anyone I am close to how I feel.

Any more info on this? Is there a book?

 



 

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