Rude comments about being a SAHM mom or about lifestyle choices to make staying at home possible? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 67 Old 09-08-2011, 03:31 AM
 
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I think we need to remember that we live in a society where work is thought to be everything, where we are brainwashed to think so. Where if you don't work, and especially choose not to work, there has to be something wrong with you. You must be a lazy good for nothing who simply just don't want to get off your behind and provide for yourself and your family, and help provide for society by paying taxes. Clinging to social well fare, making others pay for you. Here in Sweden this idea is spreading like wildfire, the politicians using it openly to cut and cut and cut into the lifeline of the unemployed. Arguing that if there was truly a will, they would work even if they know unemployment is steadily raising because companies are firing but not hiring.

 

Then there is the second idea. That work is what makes you have worth. Without work, you have no direction. You have no goals. You are not moving forward. You just are. And just being? Most people just don't get it. They think that without work, you must lack something to do. You must be driven out of your mind with mindless boredom, since there's no way for you to fashion yourself without a job as your tool. It is as if missing half your self.

 

Oh, and then we can't forget about the feminist movement either. For a woman to want to stay at home is according to this movement to succumb to the patriarchal pressures and thus being weak.

 

We need to remember these ideas, amongst others, when people question our want of being SAHP with a frown on their faces and a sharp remark on their tongues. Very few people will understand that it can be preferable for a child to grow up with at least one parent always present even if it means no computer of their own and no-name shoes on their feet. Since people equal happiness with things, which frankly is just so sad.

 

I will forever be thankful that my parents choose to be freelancers, even if it meant a very uneven income, since it meant they were and still are always there for me and my siblings. Sure, we had and have no economic stability in our family and often me and my siblings have to pour our savings together to pay bills etc. Especially now when the work market is what it is. But we have something that is so much more valuable in our family than economic stability, that I think is lost in most families because of there really being no time of getting to know each other in between work, activities and bedtimes. That thing is solidarity and a solid friendship. No matter what I have grown up in the knowledge that I am loved and liked for being me, and always will be, and I think that is the single most important thing any parent can ever give to their children: the knowledge of what unconditional love is.

 

Personally, I don't think many people in our society can understand this. That love and support really is much, much, much more important than being able to afford letting your son play football and send your daughter to scout camp. That it is worth sharing a room with all your siblings, your parents sleeping on a bed sofa in the living room, if it means you actually get to be there for each other. Parents for children. Children for parents. If it means that by the end of a school day when you have been haunted through the forest by the bully gang you get to collapse on your bed crying, a comforting hug instantly there.

 

So, when people make snide remarks. Pity them. Because if they had grown up in a family where their parents had willingly chosen to sacrifice the economical comforts of life for love they would get it and be happy for you. Pity them, because they do not realise that there are things that much more important in life than being able to have your own bedroom and two cars. How empty is not such a life, filled with the need for things rather than the need for love and caring for each other?

 

In conclusion, don't mind the people who don't understand, and be grateful that you can make the choice. Since as above posters have pointed out, some people just can't be it because they are single or because they are already struggling even finding money for the bare necessities.

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#62 of 67 Old 09-08-2011, 06:11 AM
 
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I have noticed a decent shift in thinking lately. Could just be at my work but quite a few of my coworkers are trying to figure out ways to keep one parent at home. With daycare expenses and all the stress that goes with what to do with your kids if they're sick, it's just not worth it for a lot of them. A friend of mines husband decided he'd stay home and she was the one that gave me so much grief about my husband staying home. However they notice the benefits of a parent staying home in me. As a mom you just worry more about little things and to have DH there knowing it will all get done... his way of course makes me happier at work.

I'm starting to wonder if it's really envy rather than a disregard for the importance of good family support. I can't imagine my kids being the ones who don't have a parent show up for a class party, or have to sit in daycare after school rather than doing what we would like to do and just going home to relax. They get to have lunch once a week with DH or me if I happen to be off, and they always have someone at school events. That's got to feel good when you're little.

So those who criticize the stay a home culture, really wouldn't mind if we ask them how they feel about missing all the important milestones in their kids life. I know not nice. And of course some just have to work. But I'd rather sacrifice all that "stuff" I could buy with two incomes and have two little girls that always have a parent there for them.
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#63 of 67 Old 09-08-2011, 08:37 AM
 
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When we had the kids, we made a decision that one of us would be home with them.  For a while- it was DH- because I had greater earning potential.  Now I am home and he has worked very hard to get to a place where his income can comfortably support our family. We have three kids now, and will have four in a few months.  While one child is school-age, for a variety of reasons we homeschool.  My three year old has special needs (as does the school aged kid, they are just more hidden) and there is absolutely NO WAY he would do well in another setting.  He is a child who needs to be home and have that stability to feel safe and work through his challenges. 
 

Oh, and the cost of childcare?  Goodness- even with my degrees it would be hard to cover for three really young kids.  I suppose we could consider a nanny, but then we come back to the three year old and those additional challenges- we would need a truly amazing nanny to manage with everything- and we would have to pay a lot to have that. 

 

Beyond even those things- we want to have a parent home with the kids. We want to have someone physically home to support the person who is working. DH works crazy hours, so working around his schedule would be hard for everyone.  He would probably need to look at another career and give up the business he is building that will allow him greater flexibility and pay down the road. Oh, and he would probably be earning less money too. It is nice for him to know that- whenever he does have time to land at home, things have (largely) been taken care of.  There is food in the fridge, the kids are fed and cared for, the house is clean etc.  He absolutely does his share as he can, but my being home does take some of that pressure off his shoulders so he can really focus on his career.  Those are choices we have made and agreed to together.

 

Now, I do occasionally pick up some jobs here and there, and that's wonderful, but that money is NOT a part of our budget.  I only work from home at this point, and don't really want to ever be in a position of working for a corporate entity again.  I am much happier and emotionally healthy being self-employed, contracting, and freelancing.

 

My family gets it, my in-laws don't.  But, it does work for us, so we nod and smile.  

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#64 of 67 Old 09-08-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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Nobody understands what happens in our own homes. So there really isn't anything you can say to anyone not in our positions for them to understand. Nor do they need to. It's none of their business.
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#65 of 67 Old 09-11-2011, 04:25 PM
 
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If someone says that they need to do something with their mind and work I like to respond, "Yeah you have to be very self directed to handle being a stay at home mom.  It requires a lot of creating structure out of nothing and not everyone enjoys that."  Then I smile.  People kind of blink...


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#66 of 67 Old 09-11-2011, 04:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magali View Post

Oh yeah, I've hearda bit of it.  Like when my uncle was talking about his daughter who is a hairdresser and how she went back to work when her baby was a couple months old because she didn't want to be "just a stay at home mom".  Or my other uncle asked me what a typical day is for me since I don't work.  Seriously?  We hang out in our jammies and watch tv and I spend hours on the computer...WTF does it matter?  I didn't ask him what a typical day of forced early retirement for being a drunk is like.

 

And I didn't have a SAHP when I was growing up.  We still had nothing and sometimes lived in tiny houses with few bedrooms.  It didn't matter to me one bit.


re: the bolded. I'd probably say exactly that. Every now and then, I love some snark.

 


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#67 of 67 Old 09-11-2011, 06:39 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by cromulent View Post

 

Everynight we had parents sign up to help, as there were 35 kids in this show. Some of these moms were really mean to me. They made comments about "wishing they could just be lazy" and basically treated me like crap because we don't have as much money as their families do. I did manage to meet 3 other moms who were very nice, but the cliqueishness was awful. They also made disparaging comments about breastfeeding, saying that it was a waste of time and that I'll get sick of doing all the work eventually. This also pissed me off, because my husband does help with the baby whenever he is off work. he is wonderful with her, and fully supports breastfeeding. They didn't seem to get it at all.

 


So, they're not only nasty, they're really, really inconsistent...

 


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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