want another child. but not another 5 years in the "mom scene" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-12-2011, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to this.  Our dd is 5.5 yo, and we kind of assumed that she would be an only.  I've been waffling heavily for the past year about whether to have another, and am realizing that I'm not so concerned about the work of another child as I am about the prospect of another long haul on the mom scene.  Maybe it's just my town (others have mentioned that they find this a hard place to make friends as well), but I just feel like so many of the moms are so "on" all the time.  Upbeat and confident-- and I feel kind of like an oddball because I can't stand library story times and that sort of cutesy thing.  Add to that, I've gained a bit of weight and lost some of my own self-confidence, plus my dd is a bit of a firecracker, and I often perceieve a bit of judgement over her behavior (not sure how much is real versus in my head).  I have a few friends here who are really nice, but they all have extended family nearby who they spend a lot of time with and can count on to watch their kids, etc.  I don't know.  I had just finished my master's degree and a couple years of work (in a field that I love) before having dd- but I don't really feel a pull to go back right now, and I feel very strongly that I want to stay at home with any children that we have.  I'm just a VERY social person (seriously, I'm crazy friendly) and it's hard to feel so isolated and out of place. I only need one or two close friends, but here I feel like I'm kind of on the periphery of larger "mom sororities."   Dd will be starting half-day kindy in the fall, and part of me feels like I'll finally be able to start volunteering more and getting involved in things and maybe making some connections.  So- I just don't know how to do it.  How to commit myself to staying home to raise another child and make it work so that I don't feel like I'm just withering inside from lack of real connection with other adults (should clarify that my dh works a LOT).  I just never guessed at how lonely this would be.


Any other extravert moms who don't do "the scene"?  Advice?

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#2 of 5 Old 06-13-2011, 12:22 PM
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My kids are 6 yrs apart for the reasons you mentioned.  If I have to do anymore 'mommy scene' - pls just shoot me now. 


My advice is - if you do decide to have another one, get some childcare help. Start small, get occasional help here and there - so you can do your own things, pursue your interests, meet others of similar interests that are not family/kid based.  If you start small and things don't work out - you can always stop it anytime.  Even a few hours once in a while of non-child related activities can do wonder.






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#3 of 5 Old 06-13-2011, 12:36 PM
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I can definitely relate. I'm not even an extrovert, and I feel lonely all the time being a SAHM. It is so hard. I don't think it's just your town-- I think moms everywhere can be found exhibiting the "always on" behavior you speak of. And it can be a huge barrier to real connection. Add to that the fact that we can only give a portion of our attention to adult conversation because we have kids to watch, and, as the kids get older, we have to be careful what we say in front of them... and it seems like we are destined to have only the most white bread, superficial friendships with each other!


I too feel like an oddball on the outside of the "mom sororities". But after reading your post, I started to wonder: what would happen if I stopped trying to pass for normal? Are these other moms really as judgmental as I think they are? What if there are some other oddballs out there who I could have a great time with but who can't recognize me as one of them? Might be a cool, albeit scary, experiment. But I am no expert on making friends, so I have no idea if it would really be helpful. Would love to hear from some others who have found their way through this kind of thing!



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#4 of 5 Old 06-13-2011, 02:03 PM
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I am really starting to think that it doesn't matter if you are an extrovert or an introvert as a SAHP. Whether you have 10 friends you see all the time or 1, chances are you still feel alone. I know women who put it on, but are sooo opposite of who they make themselves out to be. We're all putting on that face of being happy and fulfilled because quite frankly, nobody want's to be around a sour puss.


My son is an extrovert, would be outside with people to talk to all day, every day. Me on the other hand, no way. I really don't want to be "in the scene". I just want to have fun, and fly by the seat of my pants. I say just go with the flow, be friendly, and if your firecracker makes a connection with another kid, use it to your advantage and exchange information with the mom. You never know what might happen. Honestly, if it wasn't for another mom reaching out to us and being like "hey I know this osunds weird, but wanna hang out sometime?" we probably wouldn't be as connected as we are now.



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#5 of 5 Old 06-14-2011, 03:54 PM
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I so relate to your post!  Just recently I have been having a lot of thoughts like this.  I want to have another child but don't really want to stay home any more because of the social connection you talk about.  But I don't really want to go back to work.... sigh I don't know what I'll do.  I know what you mean about the mom groups and storytimes and all that. 

Happy happy mama of 3!
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