Anyone else hate being a SAHM? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 72 Old 10-23-2011, 10:16 PM
 
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I don't know, I was never that girl who wanted to stay at home and raise a family. So the shock of my position- traveling to resort town to resort town- to sahm in my old hometown was like hitting a brick wall. I hate this town, I hate my house, I have no friends left here, I even hate my bf of 6 years who I had the baby with (many unresolved issues).  The funny thing is that before I had a kid my mother would always bring up that she wanted grandchildren and now that I've had one she decides she now has a social life and there is no room for my baby in it. She has watched her maybe five times in almost two years. I let my grandma keep her twice in 11month and she called my mother saying that I only called her when I wanted her to watch Kendall! (grandmother confirmed this) I used to talk to my sister about what was bothering me but she would just make it about her somehow. It sucks and I was in a really bad place for I don't know, a year 1/2(?). I went days without showering, my bf and I had sex maybe a handful of times that year or so :( ... I know, pitiful   but somehow I got through it like I always do. I've been going to school online and that's helped. Probably what is going to help you the most is staying connected online like you're doing here. (trying) to keep a positive attitude about at least one thing. And I would say talk to your husband. Hopefully you'll have better luck than I have...

 

Wish you all the best :)

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#62 of 72 Old 11-15-2011, 08:47 AM
 
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I can definitely relate. I am afraid of judgements, so I probably will not divulge a lot of details. My little one is going to be two in a couple months, and for a year and a half I have been desperately trying to find a job, but in this economy it has been impossible. Not to mention, when you are taking care of a LO all day there is not a lot of free time to tailor every cover letter. My husband was in the military, so I had to give up careers several times. These are the silent sacrifices we all make. Anyways, I never planned on being a stay at home mom, so this is a lot of adjusting. There were days after the colic, not sleeping through the night until seven months (which was brief), then the teething, the ear infections, the roseola, the night terrors...that I seriously thought I was going to cry an emo river. I still think I might on some days. :) It is rewarding; however, not every mom is breed to be a SAHM just like not every man wants to work after he has a child. I think the preconceived notions of this is how it should be is wearing on moms. Not just for the moms who don't have job*, but also for the ones that do have a job. I love my child very much, but I also love myself. In loving myself, I realize that I must do what is best for me, so that my child will be very happy. No one should make anyone feel bad that they might not want to do one thing or the other. Every person is different and each person has to sit down and analyze what is best for them. And then, everyone else needs to realize that it is the best decision for their family. No way is the right way. No way is the wrong way. So, don't beat yourself up over any decision you make. I gave the same speech to a working mom who wants to quit her job to stay home and take care of her two children. Do what is best for you, and see if economically you can do it. If you can, I say shoot for the stars. Same goes with those who want to work outside the home.

 

*Job- Being a SAHM is a job...a HUGE job. No arguing that. I am only saying job in the context of working at an institution, etc. Just wanted to clarify.

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#63 of 72 Old 11-21-2011, 03:59 AM
 
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Wow you sound like you are me! I have 3 boys aged 8, 4 and 15 months. I love my kids to death and do anything and everything i can for them but i just dont know what to do. I am hours and hours away from family and friends so i know how it feels to never get a break. i cant afford to hire a babysitter just so i can have time for myself and i feel that it is selfish of me anyway. My fiance is currently undergoing lots of medical testing as he has liver disease and neuralgia and something that the doctors dont know. He has never been any help with the kids or housework so yes i have resented himand now he is sick its made things harder for me as i have someone else to do everything for. and my 8 yr old was just today diagnosed with adhd and autism and i am pretty sure that my 4year old will be the same. All i can think is why me! What did i do that was so bad that all these bad things have happened to me. I just want things to be easy like everyone else around me has it. I am not a strong person but i have to be now. I have no one to talk to and find that i dont sleep at night cause i am always worried. I am only 30 and i am so lonely and worried and i dont know what to do. I hold my head up and i act like i am the most confident person in the world but inside i am a mess. I do my best but i feel like its never enough. I miss out on everything just so my family can have what they want but it never feels like they appreciate it. Being a mother and partner is the hardest thing i have ever done and it hasnt been what i thought it would be but i cant walk away from it now. One day i will appreciate what lessons i am being tought now. I just wish i knew why me......

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#64 of 72 Old 11-21-2011, 06:06 AM
 
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I don't hate it but I can see how people do. You have to do your best to have nice days.  Nice things in your life.  Good friends, support, things to do.

 

We don't have family around but I joined a MOMS club for friends/support.  We get out every day.  We found a reasonable gym membership (60/mo for the family) and I aim to go 3x week (2 nights and saturday).  I'll go 5-6 days when my baby (6 mos) is old enough for me to feel comfortable putting in the childcare (so in less than a year).  

 

I have a short list of house stuff I 'must' get done and I do them no matter who is crying. 

 

All 3 of my kids are in bed by 7:30 (they are 5, 3 and 6 mos).

 

I totally have awful days.  I was crying at the end of a day last week.  But when I have a bad day I try to ask myself how we'll have a better day the next day.

 

I think if all you do is clean and hear crying children then of course you're miserable.  But being a SAHM doesn't have to be that, all the time!


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#65 of 72 Old 11-28-2011, 11:50 AM
 
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I have not read all the responses, and I realize that the OP posted months ago, but I want to say to all of  you moms out there that are barely hanging on that IT GETS BETTER!  I felt lost and overwhelmed and exhausted when my kids were little as well. I was isolated - no friends, no family etc, and no social outlet except for the internet friends I had made. My youngest was very very high needs, and I honestly felt sometimes that I could just walk out and never look back.

 

My youngest is seven years old now.  It got better when he was around three. I went back to school part time. I started doing things for me. I was still lonely, but I got to know myself again. I became more than Mama again.  Life is great now. It honestly and truly is. I am still a SAHM, and I even take care of others' little ones as a job now!

 

Hang on. Don't feel guilty about praying for preschool. This is hard s*^%t!! I read somewhere once that motherhood was the most thankless job in the world - but only for a few years.


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#66 of 72 Old 11-28-2011, 01:02 PM
 
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It's tough, and we are never prepared for how tough it is and some days feel longer than others and you just look forward to putting the kids to bed. For my baby's first 2 years my husband was deployed (on and off) so I did do it all by myself 24/7 and now that my hubby is at home with us and working, I did have days where I wished I was by myself again because he wasnt helping much. Now I have balance and have time to knit, sew (I made 6 outfits for AE's doll for Christmas) and I make dinner 1-2 hrs before and warm it up on the stove when we are ALL ready to eat. And I agree, when people say "it gets easier" or "it goes by fast", it really doesn't, I take this job seriously and one day at a time, because everyday our goal is to prevent a meltdown.


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#67 of 72 Old 11-28-2011, 07:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nothinbutboots View Post

Wow you sound like you are me! I have 3 boys aged 8, 4 and 15 months. I love my kids to death and do anything and everything i can for them but i just dont know what to do. I am hours and hours away from family and friends so i know how it feels to never get a break. i cant afford to hire a babysitter just so i can have time for myself and i feel that it is selfish of me anyway. My fiance is currently undergoing lots of medical testing as he has liver disease and neuralgia and something that the doctors dont know. He has never been any help with the kids or housework so yes i have resented himand now he is sick its made things harder for me as i have someone else to do everything for. and my 8 yr old was just today diagnosed with adhd and autism and i am pretty sure that my 4year old will be the same. All i can think is why me! What did i do that was so bad that all these bad things have happened to me. I just want things to be easy like everyone else around me has it. I am not a strong person but i have to be now. I have no one to talk to and find that i dont sleep at night cause i am always worried. I am only 30 and i am so lonely and worried and i dont know what to do. I hold my head up and i act like i am the most confident person in the world but inside i am a mess. I do my best but i feel like its never enough. I miss out on everything just so my family can have what they want but it never feels like they appreciate it. Being a mother and partner is the hardest thing i have ever done and it hasnt been what i thought it would be but i cant walk away from it now. One day i will appreciate what lessons i am being tought now. I just wish i knew why me......



I don't know why but I heard something in your post that really spoke to me and I want desperately to just reassure you. But nothing I can say is really going to make it better. I know that, but just hang in there anyways!

Also, please don't blame yourself. I seriously doubt God is up there saying 'How do you like me now?"and wagging his finger at you :)  Besides blaming yourself I think the resentment towards your signifigant other is the most toxic thing you have going on right now. I am not judging you, I went through (still going through) the same thing and I am just telling you that all that anger inside is poison so try to find a release, if you can. I don't want to come off the wrong way, just know that you aren't the only one out there going through this...

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#68 of 72 Old 12-19-2011, 08:05 PM
 
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Typing without reading replies....sorry!  I struggle.  I have 3 kids, one in school full time, and a 1 yr old and another that just turned 4.  The youngest two have some special needs that in turn make them insane high needs.  I gave up a lucrative career and now can barely shower.  I pick crap up, then pick it up again, and again.  I feel your pain totally.  So how do I make it better.  1) I take them all to the gym childcare for an hour almost every day.  It is 90% for my sanity, but the side effect is a perky ass :)...2) I started working a tiny amount....some weeks 3 hours, some 5 hours, some 10 hours...sometimes I have a sitter come, sometimes I do it when they go to sleep....but I need something that is ONLY me and not them and gives me worth outside of motherhood...and 3) I have a sitter come for at least 3 hours a week.

 

I know some people go to mommy groups, some go to play groups, some go to story time.  Those things for some reason make me feel worse.  I look around and see strung out moms and I wonder if I look like that to the world. 

 

And once or twice a month, come hell or high water, we leave the kids for even just 2 hours, I put on something smokin hot, some heels, and I go out to dinner with DH and feel like a female and not a mom. 

 

And all of that said, I still struggle.  I feel very trapped much of the time.  My DH is wonderful, works 60-70 hours a week so I can care for the kids/their health/myself without worrying about our next bill.  But I also have some slight resentment that he gets to go to work everyday, pee when he wants, shower every day, go to business lunches.  I think what counts a lot to me is that DH really gets that what I do here is Hard.  He is ALWAYS willing to care for the kids solo, but after a couple hours he is struggling.  He tries hard to give meaning to what I do, when I am not feeling it. And at 10pm, when I tell him I am going alone to Target to walk slowly up and down every isle because I can, he absolutely does not understand and keeps his mouth shut and says enjoy.

 

I think finding a couple things that give you sanity, and clinging to them like they are oxygen in your life, is important.  I learned that I could pay for a sitter, or pay for prozac, because both gave me equitable help in feeling like a had a grip on my happiness.  And the sitter didn't ruin my sex drive. :) 

 

Not sure if that helps.  For what it is worth, many days I feel like the water is closing in over my head.  I am trying, each day, to do something with my kids that make us all laugh. As dorky as it sounds, trying to inject some humor helps us all.

 

Good luck. :)

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#69 of 72 Old 12-26-2011, 09:54 PM
 
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I am grateful to read all of you moms being open about what is so, so hard. I thought it would be the best thing in the world to stay home with my son but it has been crazy difficult and I've come to the conclusion that now that he's a little older, it's the best thing for all of us if I go back to work. I have been looking for the past three months- my son is now 15 months old- and I finally got a job offer to go back January 5. I have such mixed emotions about it, but on the whole, I think working is so much easier than being a SAHM!! I feel like I'm taking the easy way out! 

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#70 of 72 Old 12-27-2011, 06:03 AM
 
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Yes. We moved to a new state when our boys were 2 years and 3 months respectively and the five months since have been some of the hardest of my life. Our new plan is for my partner to take the kids one day a week so I can do whatever I want on that day. OP, could your husband handle the kids one day out of the weekend to give you that freedom? If all day is too much, start out with one morning or afternoon and go from there. But make it a priority, a no-compromise weekly date on the calendar. (Hugs.)


mom to DS born 5/29/09, DS #2 born 5/2/2011, partner to a PhD (finally!), pleased to be co-sleepin', lovin' our 3 cats and 4 dogs and raisin' our LOs vegetarian.
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#71 of 72 Old 12-27-2011, 06:50 AM
 
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Just want to say this is a great thread, and reading all your replies has helped me tremendously.  It helps so much to know I'm not alone.

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#72 of 72 Old 01-09-2012, 07:04 PM
 
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I came across this blog post the other day, and it sums up my feelings about motherhood(and more specifically, staying at home), awesomely:

http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/

I don't want to go on and on about how my life is so terrible, because it's not, and I am grateful for what i have and for the opportunity to be watch my kids grow up....but I feel so trapped, so much of hte time these  days. I have a 2 and a 5 year old, the oldest of which I am supposed to be homeschooling but we have not officially started yet because I am forever trying to catch up with the housework. I AM SO DRAINED. I have a couple of close friends, but we see each other once a week if that, since they both live a half hour in opposite directions. I need a better support system, hoping to find that this coming year. Something's got to give!!!

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