Anyone else hate being a SAHM? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 08:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Don't flame me please. I'm just looking for an outlet to be real.

 

I hate it. I love my children, but I hate that I have cashed in who I am for who I have become, because I get no fulfillment from it at all. I have no family support and no outlet to vent to. Anyone I DO have tells me I shouldn't complain because they have it worse. I'm not trying to play that game, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations, but I have no one to do that with unless I want to be told how good I have it compared to them. I'm just so tired of being the boss, manager, only responsible person in the house. I'm tired of being everybody's everything and being nothing to myself. I'm tired of always being the one sacrificing and getting nothing in return. My husband works and is out of the house 10hrs a day M-F but rather than think of him being responsible, I think of him escaping and having a good excuse for it. He has no clue how much harder my job is than his, and he'll never know or understand. And, other than taking out the garbage, his job is his only responsibility. I'd give him more, but then I'd have to remind him to do them every other day, and then because of that I then become the nagging wife, and I can't deal with getting into it with him after having hellishly exhausting days at home. So, he gets off scott free. Must be nice to have a mommy figure living with him, doing everything for him and everyone else, leaving him to worry about nothing and no one but himself. Can you tell that I'm beginning to resent him a little??? lol...

 

So how do you take care of everything else and still hold on to yourself? I never even have two hands free to do anything other than cook, clean, feed babies and pick $%#@ off the floor 24/7. So, I can't imagine how I'd ever be able to do anything like sew again, or read a book. My kids are almost 3 and almost 1, and while people are constantly telling me "enjoy it, it goes sooo fast", I'm praying every day to make it go faster because the constant, 24/7 care-taking is taking its toll on me. And, if I hear "it'll get better in a few years" one more time... That doesn't help me to not hate it NOW.. it only makes me dread the next few years knowing that I have no other choice than to jsut suck it up and live like this, unhappy, for years to come...

 

Am I the only one who will honestly say they aren't happy being a SAHM?

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Heather (40) DH (41) Georgia Mae b. 9/3/08, Charlotte Grace 7/17/10.
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#2 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:00 AM
 
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((HUGS))  Having no family support makes being a SAHM very, very difficult.

Is there a YMCA or a gym with free child care by you? 

I've found that I just have to TAKE time for myself.  We belong to the YMCA, and they have free childwatch.  So, I drop my kids off, work out for an hour, and relax! 

 

Any SAHM friends?  I don't know what I'd do without my favorite SAHM friend-- she is my sanity sometimes.  We vent together, and support each other, and understand that we don't sit at a desk all day, so we aren't always available to talk to each other!  All my of friends who work complain that I don't answer the phone sometimes.  They just don't get it--the phone is the least of my concerns during the day!!!

 

I hate it when people think SAHMs shouldn't get to vent/complain about our jobs.  I love being a SAHM, but that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated on some days! 

 

And, our daughters are the same age.  I am seriously counting down the days until preschool starts.  She went from being a happy baby who could entertain herself for hours, to a demanding preschooler who wants me to entertain her all day long!!  My son just turned 2, and he is still pretty good at entertaining himself.

 

If you truly think you might like to explore getting a job, I say go for it!  No harm in seeing what's out there. 

 

 


SAHM to our 2 blessings through adoption!  DD 2 1/2 and DS 2.

 

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#3 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:11 AM
 
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I cannot say that I hate being a SAHM.  It's my dream come true.  However, yes it is draining and exhausting and often hard.  I don't care who you are or how you are living, there are pros and cons to anyone's life.  I am sorry that when you try to share and get some support, people think that you are inviting them to an out-pity-me party.  BLEH

I don't think you are looking for advice, but what really stands out to me is that you need some time to do something for yourself.  It can be hard to carve out time, but you really need to.  Whatever it is that is energizing and affirming to you.  Something you can look forward to.  Expecting yourself to go for years without a break is not good.  You are doing this tremendous job.  The caretaker needs to take care sometimes, too. 

 

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#4 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by jmd5294 View Post

((HUGS))  Having no family support makes being a SAHM very, very difficult.

Is there a YMCA or a gym with free child care by you? 

I've found that I just have to TAKE time for myself.  We belong to the YMCA, and they have free childwatch.  So, I drop my kids off, work out for an hour, and relax! 

 

Any SAHM friends?  I don't know what I'd do without my favorite SAHM friend-- she is my sanity sometimes.  We vent together, and support each other, and understand that we don't sit at a desk all day, so we aren't always available to talk to each other!  All my of friends who work complain that I don't answer the phone sometimes.  They just don't get it--the phone is the least of my concerns during the day!!!

 

I hate it when people think SAHMs shouldn't get to vent/complain about our jobs.  I love being a SAHM, but that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated on some days! 

 

And, our daughters are the same age.  I am seriously counting down the days until preschool starts.  She went from being a happy baby who could entertain herself for hours, to a demanding preschooler who wants me to entertain her all day long!!  My son just turned 2, and he is still pretty good at entertaining himself.

 

If you truly think you might like to explore getting a job, I say go for it!  No harm in seeing what's out there. 

 

 


 

Thanks for the support... I have worked all my life and recently quit my job due to work issues - but not so that I could exclusively be a SAHM. I'd get another job but I'd never make the $ I was making before, and I'd need that in order to put the kids back in daycare. I actually made slightly more than DH does, so it was a huge adjustment. So, because the only way I'd be able to make that salary again is to work in NYC, here I am.

 

No gym/free care anywhere close, and no money now to join if I wanted to... I have thought about it though. And I do have a great SAHM friend that I vent to, but she's the one constantly telling me how much better I have it than she does. Sometimes you just want to hear someone validate your feelings instead of telling you that you have no justification for feeling them, y'know?

 

Its gotten so bad that I can't even manage to shower more than twice a week - and usually when I'm in there, DH or DD needs something and comes in the bathroom asking me things. And the baby is high needs - constantly needing to be touched - and I can get nothing done because of it. Even now I'm typing 1 handed because she's asleep in my lap... as usual. This is the longest amt of time I've spent online for myself in weeks... usually I'm online printing coupons or researching something child related, etc. And my situation isn't helped by the fact that I'm undergoing testing for either rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia. I should find out what all my pain is about next Friday.

 

I hate to sound so pathetic and ungrateful, but it's really hard to give to others when you never have anything in the tank to give... and no way to refuel.

 

Thanks for listening... <3


Heather (40) DH (41) Georgia Mae b. 9/3/08, Charlotte Grace 7/17/10.
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#5 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:41 AM
 
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My 5th child was VERY high needs due to reflux issues and the only thing that saved me was babywearing.  I used a wrap because it was the ONLY thing that I can wear comfortably.  You can make a wrap cheap and get the instructions online.  A wrap will allow you to use both of your hands.  If you are not picky about color (light blue) I will send you the wrap I no longer use ( I have twins and I just don't use it and at this point never will).  Just an idea.  I hope you find out soon what is causing the pain. 

You don't sound ungrateful, just stretched thin and needing a break.  Nothing criminal!

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#6 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by queenofchaos View Post

My 5th child was VERY high needs due to reflux issues and the only thing that saved me was babywearing.  I used a wrap because it was the ONLY thing that I can wear comfortably.  You can make a wrap cheap and get the instructions online.  A wrap will allow you to use both of your hands.  If you are not picky about color (light blue) I will send you the wrap I no longer use ( I have twins and I just don't use it and at this point never will).  Just an idea.  I hope you find out soon what is causing the pain. 

You don't sound ungrateful, just stretched thin and needing a break.  Nothing criminal!


Mama, thank you so much for replying - you've made me feel much better (both of you have) about my situation. I know all about baby wearing and have made wraps (my fav) myself, only the pain I'm experiencing (and have for the past 6-8 months) keeps me from wearing her. I can't take the added weight on me due to eh knee/back/shoulder pain. She had reflux as a newborn and just never outgrew the constant need for touch. The only time I'm not touching her is when I feed her (I no longer nurse due to needing to take meds in the past 2 months) and when I'm in the shower. We cosleep too - with her snuggled right up next to me. I just need a break. I need to be me again. I went from having a dozen interests/hobbies to having none. I went from being active to being infirm and in pain. I went from doing everything for myself all the time to do nothing for myself at all and doing everything for everyone else. And no one gets it. Everyone either tells me they have it worse or "that's jsut the rigors of being a SAHM" - yet no one I talk to says they ever went through this (of course, they all had gobs of family to help). So yeah, I'm sitting here typing away while my girls are at the table, waiting for lunch, the baby screaming at me for not being there for her to see and touch. It just gets to be so overwhelming....

 


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#7 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 09:54 AM
 
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I have definitely had periods of time where I have hated being a SAHM.  What has helped me....  For one thing, LOCK the bathroom door when you are in there ;).  I have found this is my only way to be uninterrupted.  Also, find a group of supportive SAHM or part time SAHM mom friends.  One other mom friend who stayed home would not be enough for me.  We have probably 10 mom/kid pairs who we get together to do playdates with and try to have a playdate, class, or whatever...contact with other moms and kids every day.  Regular girls nights out/moms nights out have also been really important to me as well as staying connected to old co-workers by meeting out without kids for dinner or whatever.  Is there another mom who you could trade babysitting with?  Or a babysitting co-op? 

 

In the end, while all these things helped, the biggest was time.  I had a really hard time not working and was just plain bored for a while until we made more SAH friends.  As my son has gotten older (he is three), I have felt much happier and less trapped.  Part of it is the adjustment, but part is that he was so needy and draining for his first 24 months of life.  This too shall pass... Try to find some things to make your day go easier while you're waiting for it to pass.  Good luck

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#8 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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I really hate it when people invalidate feelings!  (I know a lot of them are trying to help you "look at the bright side"......)

 

SAH is HARD!  Having little ones is HARD!  You have a right to your feelings!  I'm sorry there isn't someone close enough to give you a big ole hug.  (Or watch your kids while you take a bath.  ;) )

 

Have you had a chance to talk to your DH about how your feeling?  Perhaps work out with him a way you can have an hour or two on the weekend to be totally away?  (I've been known to drive to a parking lot during a snow storm with a book.)  Talk to him about leaving you a lone for 10 mins while you shower?  (I mean, unless the house is on fire.  Is there really any issue he can't handle for 10 mins?) 

 

If you have talked to him and he's not receptive, then that's different.  If you haven't talked to him, you should.  Sometimes they really are clueless, but they don't mean to be.  I don't think a lot of men can visualize things they are not going through.  (For example, my DH told me on my first mat. leave that he was jealous of all my free time.  I actually think my head levitated off my body I was so mad!  I was cd, bf, working 4 hours a week and my DD1 had acid reflux so bad that if we both stayed dry for more than 10 mins it was worth a celebration and we had to sleep in the recliner all day.  But I had a lot of free time.  I screamed my whole day in 15 min increments at him that day.  While I don't recommend that route, he really did get a good glimpse into what it was like to be me.)

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#9 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katwoman View Post

I really hate it when people invalidate feelings!  (I know a lot of them are trying to help you "look at the bright side"......)

 

SAH is HARD!  Having little ones is HARD!  You have a right to your feelings!  I'm sorry there isn't someone close enough to give you a big ole hug.  (Or watch your kids while you take a bath.  ;) )

 

Have you had a chance to talk to your DH about how your feeling?  Perhaps work out with him a way you can have an hour or two on the weekend to be totally away?  (I've been known to drive to a parking lot during a snow storm with a book.)  Talk to him about leaving you a lone for 10 mins while you shower?  (I mean, unless the house is on fire.  Is there really any issue he can't handle for 10 mins?) 

 

If you have talked to him and he's not receptive, then that's different.  If you haven't talked to him, you should.  Sometimes they really are clueless, but they don't mean to be.  I don't think a lot of men can visualize things they are not going through.  (For example, my DH told me on my first mat. leave that he was jealous of all my free time.  I actually think my head levitated off my body I was so mad!  I was cd, bf, working 4 hours a week and my DD1 had acid reflux so bad that if we both stayed dry for more than 10 mins it was worth a celebration and we had to sleep in the recliner all day.  But I had a lot of free time.  I screamed my whole day in 15 min increments at him that day.  While I don't recommend that route, he really did get a good glimpse into what it was like to be me.)




Um, yeah, we've had the yelling every 15 minutes all day thing, too.  Sometimes, men just need a real good visual or um, loud, demonstration.  Men are wonderful, but they can be kinda dense when it comes to this stuff.  What's probably going on is that you rock and make it all look so easy that he kinda takes it for granted.  Seriously, there is NO reason for him to be bothering you in the shower.  You should make it very, very clear to him that you DESERVE a freaking shower by yourself.  You should be able to take a s^it by yourself, too, although that one I didn't get to do for 3 years.  I also had a very high-needs baby at one time. 

 

FTR, it took my wonderful dh a good 10 years of marriage and children before he would tell me, "I am so grateful that you are willing to stay home with the children.  I have the easy job, by far!".  And now he tells people that all the time.  We've been together for 17 years.  I wish I'd made it more clear to him earlier on.  I always had that mama guilt that said I could take it over and over and suck it up.  After all, *he* was the one who had to work 2 jobs to support us.  Blech.  I should have freaked out years sooner, lol.

 

OP, about your friend...if she is your friend, really and truly, then you can tell her what you told us.  Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing?  Let her know that you simply need to vent and get some support, not be in some sort of weird competition.

 

Good luck, Mama.  Stay strong.  Talk to your husband, and talk to your friend.  Really talk to them.  Get a good book and lock the door to the bathroom for 10 minutes, 3 or 4 times a day.  It helps, it really does.


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#10 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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I dealt with this by telling my husband that he needed to be responsible for everything (and that we would reconsidered if it made him crazy) because it was driving me nuts.  He also felt like the only thing he had to do was take out the trash, the rest was "extra."  Well it is no longer that way.  I do pretty much the same level of (house)work, but now I don't feel guilty if I don't get the dishes done or make him dinner.  Instead my husband steps up and gets it done when he gets home from work.  It has been a major improvement for me.  And since I have been less stressed, he has been happier as well because he gets yelled at a lot less.  I am a mom first, homemaker second, and my husband and I split the cleaning between us and do it on the weekend.  It works for us.

 

And I second the need for friends you can see during the day.  The days I don't see anyone are always the worst.


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#11 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 12:10 PM
 
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I really love it now, but I hated it the first year of my older dd's life. Actually I think I probably just hated being mom altogether, but I had loved my job and my friends there and I missed that.

If you are unhappy, then you really should make some kind of change, whether it is going back to work, even very part time somewhere that is just fun, or find some way to get out and do volunteer work, or something. I can't think of many ideas off the top of my head but hopefully we can all brainstorm for you a bit. Do you hate playgroups and Mom's Club and LLL meetings and all that? I found getting out around other moms and not being home all the time helped. I've also talked to moms who enjoyed staying at home more when they found some way to feel more productive at home, whether by saving money coupon and sale shopping, making tons of homemade stuff, keeping chickens, or whatever felt practical and fun for them personally. That's not my thing but depending on the specifics with you, it might be something to look at.

Don't feel bad for being unhappy - it's good that you recognize it because that's the first step to fixing it - but I wouldn't just be unhappy and leave it there. I'd try to find some way of making things better for you, whether it involves going back to work or something else that makes being a SAHM more tolerable.
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#12 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 12:55 PM
 
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Any options on a part time job? Maybe you won't make much, just enough for daycare those days (yes, there are daycare places that will take part time or kids by the day! Hard to find, but don't hesitate to look. Or a relative?)

 

I don't work full time, and i like it. I'm home a couple days, and one day the lil guy is at Gma's and two days at a daycare/preschool.

 

And I still get 'me' time. He still naps well, and goes to bed early (7:30 or 8) and I try to plan my 'me' time so it is not all cleaning, etc. I try to sew once a week, or read during nap or after bedtime once a week, fold laundry while I watch a show or movie at night...But I know that will stop with the new babe, and it will go on hiatus until that babe is older.

 

One thing that I put my foot down, is that I have a one day a month volunteer committment, every second saturday for 2-6 hours, and daddy knows that he has to be home then so i can go do something for me.

 

And we try to split house work. He works second shift, so i ask him to handle a couple things in the AM, and I'll do a couple other things in the PM. I wash most of the laundry, he folds/puts away most of the laundry. We take turns with dishes and dishwasher. We take turns vacuuming as needed. He mows. I garden/weed. He'll clean the toilets when i remind him, I cook 90% of the time. I have lowered my standards a little, sometimes I need to be satisfied with his 80% contribution for the day , becuase well, it is more than 0% contribution!

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#13 of 72 Old 06-30-2011, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'll try and answer many of the things you all have mentioned in the probably 10 mins I have before the baby realizes I'm no longer laying down next to her and starts to wail...lol.

 

1. DH knows how I feel. I just don't think he gets it though. He isn't apathetic to my pleas, but he doesn't know how to help me, and when he doesn't know how to help, he kinda just gets paralyzed. He doesn't understand the solitude. He doesn't understand the need for communication, for a release. He isn't one who has many friends or ever had a real hobby so he doesn't get those aspects of my complaints. He does do a ton around the house - but nothing is his responsibility outright, so he never instigates doing anything on his own unless I lose my sh*t on him about what a wreck the house is and why is it that I can walk into a room and see what needs to be done and he can walk into the same room and not know what needs to be done. He is always willing to help, but to have to spoon feed to him what it is I need him to do takes as much if not more energy out of me than just doing it myself most times.

 

*** I type about 100 wpm. This is as far as I was able to get before the baby started crying. Seriously. She is now at my feet, begging to come up. This is what I'm dealing with here ***

 

2. I have no friends where I live. Well, like one. Two if you count the mama I met in the park a few months back who I've had 2 play dates with. She's cool and all, but not close. Everyone else I know is far, far away. I've never really had group outings with other moms, never been to a LLL meeting, etc. since I've only been a SAHM for about 3 months. My one friend, we are definitely close, but here's the deal with her: she has a child with cystic fibrosis and a husband who is the biggest @sshole on the face of the planet. Not kidding. She is also 14yrs younger than me which doesn't always present a problem, but from an "energy/in shape" standpoint, she's able to run circles around me and I think she may not understand what it is to be in pain every day and then use your "good days" to actually clean your house. So while I ABSOLUTELY feel for her in her situation (please don't think that I don't, because I do), all she ever does is compare her situations to mine. For instance... I was complaining about my DH to her and she says "Heath, really, you DO know you have one of the good ones, right? I mean, I'll gladly trade you if you want and then you'll see what other people have to deal with..." And she's not kidding - if I were married to her DH, I would EASILY have been divorced by now. But that completely invalidates my feelings about my own situation. *** BTW, baby was on my lap for a good 2 mins and now is screaming because I put her down. I'm telling you people, I'm eventually gonna lose it. *** And in regard to her child - the middle babe of 3 boys - who has cystic fibrosis... YES I get what a catastrophic disease it is and what it means for him. I truly do. But when I tell her that I found out that I will have to have double knee replacement in the next 5 years and I start crying about it because just thinking about the rehab and who will care for my kids, etc, she says "At least they can FIX that... my son can't be fixed... it's really not that bad...". And she's not trying to be snotty about it or one-up me on it. She really isn't. She's trying to put it into perspective for me. But it doesn't stop there. I tell her that my Dr's have found that I tested with elevated inflammation and might have a number of different things, including cancer (it's a long shot, but still) and she literally says to me, "Well that's no big deal, they can fix that. You'll be fine". Then when I tell her that fine or not, I might have rheumatoid arthritis and may end up with having to take shots for the rest of my life and be in pain every day for the rest of my life and eventually end up with disfigured joints and limited mobility, her response isn't "OMG, I'm so sorry you have to go through this... you must be so stressed out!". Nope. Her response is, "Well my son will end up with clubbed hands and feet within the next 5 years because his circulation is so bad. Don't you ever notice that his hands and feet are always blue?" It kills me. I feel like if I say something to her, I'm discounting the fact that there is a really huge chance she will watch her son die from his disease. But I'll go nuts if she tries to invalidate my daily pain by reminding me of that every time I feel like I need to reach out to someone. I just don't talk to her about it anymore. No, I wouldn't trade places with her for anything and I know how fortunate I am to have healthy kids and a DH who is nothing like hers... but if I can't talk to her about things like this, then... ??? Other than her, I truly have no other lose friends who have kids - they're all 40-somethings who are single and childless... so I don't even dare to lay this crap all out on them. I've tried, they really can't possibly understand... and more power to them for not having the same burdens...lol.

 

3. This SAHM gig is new to me since the end of March of this year - so only like 3 months at most. I thought things would get better once I figured out a routine, but all I've figured out is that there is no routine and there can never be a routine when you're home alone with a 33month old toddler who is headstrong and a nonstop chatterbox who refuses to put toys away, and an 11 month old who just needs to be touched 90% of the time she's awake. I try and try but nothing ever goes smoothly. Ever.

 

4. Our daycare that we used F/T when I was working a few months ago DOES do P/T... however, even a part time job wouldn't be able to afford the cost of it. It's about $50-60/day for both girls to go. The money from the P/T job would be a wash once I paid daycare. I get the idea that it wouldn't matter if I were doing something I loved to do, but there isn't anything near me (within a 30-40min drive) that qualifies. And, with the gas, the travel, etc, etc... I just don't know if it's all worth it in the end. It's not that I wouldn't want the work, but with where I'm at physically, the only feasible thing would involve standing all day, etc, and I just can't do that right now.

 

5. I had a girls night out a few weeks ago, and it involved me sleeping over my friends house, too. It was fantastic! However... my first night away to do my own thing after my 3 year old was born was me being admitted into the hospital early to have my second. My first night away to do my own thing after my second was born? That girls night out a few weeks ago. I get my hair done every two months and that's about 5hrs of time I get to myself, but once every 8 weeks? And without the conversation I so desperately crave? It really does nothing but make me anxious to get home and do all the things I could be doing if I were home. Besides, to get all bitched up with my hair done and never get to wear it down is kinda depressing too... kinda remind me that I never do anything every time I get it done, but I still go, just in case.

 

I have to go. I can't take her screaming anymore. That's another thing - I'm hypersensitive to baby cries. Makes my anxiety go through the roof. REALLY bad. So, I end up carrying a child all day and night long. Like I am right now. Typing one handed again. It's fabulous. I'm seriously 3 seconds away from getting in the car and driving away... I have no idea how this will ever be ok, or when (more like IF) this will ever get better. I'm like a prisoner serving a jail sentence - with no time off for good behavior. At least that's how I feel sometimes...

 

*** I just talked to DH and he's going to take 3 days off of work and wrap it around a weekend so that he can understand exactly how I spend my days. He will be forbidden from visiting his parents, too...lol. Let's see how this goes...


Heather (40) DH (41) Georgia Mae b. 9/3/08, Charlotte Grace 7/17/10.
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#14 of 72 Old 07-01-2011, 04:09 AM
 
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If I lived near you I'd be visiting right now. I can really understand how you feel, as I get unhappy when my social and personal needs aren't met. Who wouldn't?

 

I know that you don't need another thing to do, but I think you should make it a priority to join some kind of a club to make friends. Maybe a book club, knitting club, or a mom's club. 

 

And, I find that with most husbands, you have to specifically tell them what you need. As in, I need x amount of time with friends this week. Please plan to be home.

Oh, and I know what it's like to be in pain when you're in charge of kids. I had severe endometiosis for years. Pain takes so much out of you.

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#15 of 72 Old 07-02-2011, 06:10 AM
 
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We are in a similar situation-- half our income gone etc. It's a *huge* adjustment-- going from rich to poor, really.  For me, it helps alot for me to think of this as only temporary-- I'm  home for 3 years and that's it. I'm trying to figure out what classes, etc I'd need to take in order to 'jump back in' after that time. Then I'm going back. Not just for the money (I have long list of things I want to buy when I go back, though) but for the fufillment etc. Also, I identify as a WOHM. It's like I have clothes on that don't fit me-- I'm not comfortable being a SAHM.

 

Have you looked into what it would take for you to go back. Any classes etc?

 

Being a mom is hard. It's hard if you are working and it's hard if you are staying at home. It's not supportive to be repeatedly told that you are so lucky.

 

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Thanks for the support... I have worked all my life and recently quit my job due to work issues - but not so that I could exclusively be a SAHM. I'd get another job but I'd never make the $ I was making before, and I'd need that in order to put the kids back in daycare. I actually made slightly more than DH does, so it was a huge adjustment. So, because the only way I'd be able to make that salary again is to work in NYC, here I am.

 

No gym/free care anywhere close, and no money now to join if I wanted to... I have thought about it though. And I do have a great SAHM friend that I vent to, but she's the one constantly telling me how much better I have it than she does. Sometimes you just want to hear someone validate your feelings instead of telling you that you have no justification for feeling them, y'know?

 

Its gotten so bad that I can't even manage to shower more than twice a week - and usually when I'm in there, DH or DD needs something and comes in the bathroom asking me things. And the baby is high needs - constantly needing to be touched - and I can get nothing done because of it. Even now I'm typing 1 handed because she's asleep in my lap... as usual. This is the longest amt of time I've spent online for myself in weeks... usually I'm online printing coupons or researching something child related, etc. And my situation isn't helped by the fact that I'm undergoing testing for either rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia. I should find out what all my pain is about next Friday.

 

I hate to sound so pathetic and ungrateful, but it's really hard to give to others when you never have anything in the tank to give... and no way to refuel.

 

Thanks for listening... <3



 


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#16 of 72 Old 07-02-2011, 06:29 AM
 
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I have to fly - but is there any reason you have to be a fulltime SAHM?  (apologies if this has been covered)

 

I work part time and love it. There are logisitcs, but they pale compared to the balance I get from working.   I really am a better parent because of it.  I have been a full time SAHM and when I was I often felt like the walls were closing in on me.

 

I think it can be very possible to fulfill  life/parenting goals (example - nursing, homeschooling) while working part time.  I did.  

 

Hugs mama.  I will read thoroughly later.  

 

 

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#17 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 04:01 AM
 
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I have fibro. Quick tricks for fibro and RA. High protien and fat. Skip carbs, with many also skip dairy and even legumes. Excersice 3 types week. For quickness, 20 minutes, go to mercola.com, peak 8. How to excersice, tell husband you will go on strike, ( told mine I would leave,) if he did help me get it in. Example, first thing in am before work, yes he can get up earily, or as soon as he gets home, he can deal with dinner and kids. I was in so much pain that I ment the ultimatum. One weekend day is yours. Again ultimatum. Your situation is desperate. These things will help you or help him help you problem solve or at least talk. Forget the young overwhelmed friend of yours. Social only. She is also desperately out of her mind as you know. Social support, have you tried the tribe forum on this site? Didn't work for me but might for you. I found a group through yahoo groups where I was. Isolated and by myself. I just moved to family 5 years later. I'm not the stay at home type either. In fact I worked part time as well during those firstt there years, never had a minute to myself. Hated it. I'm still working through all of those resentments. Have against husband. Vent away sister. It does suck for some of us.
I can tell you how great it is now with my six year old. All that I put into it payed off. She is amazing. Infact I'm pregnant again and she can't wait to be with the baby. I have fears and dread, but I know my husband knows this time. All that therapy.
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#18 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 05:33 AM
 
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I don't hate it like you do, but I have bad days.  I actually feel like this is the only thing I want to do, so when I hit the really rough spots I have to figure out how to make it work for me.  I'm sorry you don't have better support.  I'm not going to trivialize what you are going through by telling you what I do to cope because it sounds like I have more resources than you. I hope you find a way to get your needs met.


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#19 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 09:18 AM
 
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Hi, this sounds rough too and we similarly have rough days. One thing I wanted to suggest with the husband that is willing, but unsure how to help, is to create a chore list. A todo list, ours is a whiteboard in our kitchen and I just write down everything that needs to be done on it. Sometimes in small detail. But it means then that he can look at it and get some ideas of what needs to be done, and I don't have to nag. He's willing to step up, but not always sure how. The list is sometimes 'his' and sometimes 'mine' to deal with some of the items, but in general, it's a list of what our family needs and we're a team trying to get it done. I second the attempts to find some people to connect with, even stupid conversations at the park about small talk are better than nothing!


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#20 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 09:32 AM
 
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HUGS, Mama... I have many days where I hate being a SAHM.  My dd is 3 and is high need.  I have no friends nearby.  My parents are close, but because my mom worked when I was young, they don't respect or empathize with my decision to SAH... so I don't get much help from them unless I have a "valid excuse from work" like a doctor's appointment.  My SIL is SAHM but uses preschool and a nanny, so there little common ground there... and any real sharing always winds up heading toward the "who's got it worse" game, which I just won't play and is pointless when you have a HN-er anyway.  Are you on the Yahoo High Needs group?  I'm so glad I joined that when dd was little... the ladies there are great, and they really get it.  So helpful and kind.  Plus I'm an introvert, so finding local friends or joining a club or mom's group is just another chore for me to do.

 

It was super hard for me to adjust from quitting my job to SAH.  I had a successful career, making more than DH.  Before getting pregnant, I had never imagined being a SAHM.  It was really hard change my mindset from being productive and efficient to just trying to keep my head above water and still is some days.  I constantly remind myself that that was then, this is now.  I don't really want to go back to work though... I want to stay home with and raise my dd, not be so bogged down in the work part of SAH so that we can do fun things and I can have enough down time for myself, and generally have our life go smoothly so I can enjoy it... but most days, that seems like pie in the sky.  I get really anxious when people say that phrase too... "enjoy them while they're little".  I usually feel too frazzled to enjoy them and feel guilty for not being able to get it together enough to be able to enjoy them. 

 

I had lots of pain too... cosleeping with my always-attached HN-er gave me lots of shoulder and back pain... and when she was around 12-18 months I got tendonitis in my wrist from carrying her so much.  Being in pain made everything about 10 times harder, but that started to get better when she was around 2.   

 

I don't know what I would do if DH didn't help out around the house.  Especially since dd is HN.  I guess we figured out that dd was HN when she was very little and DH could see that I was totally drowning and needed much help from the very beginning and he started helping out.  Now DH usually takes the trash out, does laundry if I haven't gotten around to it, does dishes if I cooked or cooks if I'm too exhausted when he gets home (he has a few easy emergency meals he makes like pasta, chili, frozen pizza, or stirfry), straightens the house at bedtime, helps occupy dd and sometimes helps put her to bed.  But that's really just a short list... we're both of the mindset that we're a team and we share the responsibilities and do whatever needs to be done at the time.   I guess I'm really fortunate.  I'm jealous though when he gets to walk out the door in the morning, leave behind a whiny needy 3yo and a messy house, and go to his nice private office where he does meaningful work in peace and quiet.  What would DH do if you just stopped doing some things?  Like if the laundry needed to be done and you told him you had a busy day and were really tired... could he help today?  Would he step up? 

 

Sorry I'm no help... but I hear ya! 

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#21 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 07:29 PM
 
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Wow, sounds like a really difficult time.  I'm kinda going through it too except I only have one child-- a 7 month old very active little boy!  But heck, now I feel bad for complaining because you really have it tough.  I agree that you should no longer vent to your friend.  It sounds like she is very wrapped up in the illness of her child (as she should be) to understand what is happening to you.  I think for your mental state of mind don't vent to her anymore. Invalidated feelings are the worst when all you need is someone to just emotionally hold you-- I know about this b/c DH is like that : (.  

 

Try to go to LLL meetings.  Also look up for new mom groups in the hospitals in your area.  As a new mom myself I looked for these and started going just so I have other moms to talk to and possibly get some advice.  There are always children running around.  I'm not sure how difficult it would be with your pain but please try to go.  It has been a saving grace for me because I look forward to them and I feel like I can relate to some of the moms.

 

As far as going out-- can you go out after your DH comes home from work?  Even if its once a week for about an hour or two?  I do that sometimes although not nearly enough.

 

The last thing I want to say is to hang in there and take it day by day (such a cliche huh?).  Your words ring so familiar to me and I want to just call you so we can both vent or heck, have a margarita or two.  Sometimes I just cry-- and then I feel better.  I hate crying but there is nothing else for me to do sometimes.  Other times I just let the house be and not do anything but play with my son.  And if my DH doesn't like it well, I've learned not to let it bother me.  He really does think his job and mine (being a SAHM) are comparable. I've quit venting to him (which, sadly, is another post all on its own).  Lots of hugs and well wishes to you.  Hang in there.

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#22 of 72 Old 07-05-2011, 11:39 PM
 
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Oh. My. God.

Staying at home to raise the kids (2; 3yrs and 13 months) without friends or family (all live far far away) is the HARDEST thing in the world. Women/Parents who SAH to raise their kids should ONLY be supportive of each other. It does not matter what one's individual situation is, but staying at home is HARD HARD HARD! Like pulling all nighters for an exam that keeps getting post-poned.

I hear you.

 

Had a successful career - did meaningful work - imagined I was changing the world - and then BAM, I have babies in the belly and I have to raise them. I hate housework, and I hate living in a mess. Lose lose situation.

 

But I love the kids, and I know that as much as I bitch and moan and groan today - someday I will be looking back wondering who took my needy little toddler and my screaming little baby and left me with young adults that are hardly ever around.

 

I say, screw the cleaning and housework, gather up the kids and take them out with you to do the stuff that you like doing. I used to take my elder one to coffee shops with me, and sit and "chat" while I sipped my cappuccino. I had no time to seek out friendships with other moms - it required more planning...and now with 2 it feels damn near impossible to get any planning done - so I just hung out with my little girl. (BTW she has the most astounding vocabulary! lol)

 

Recently I was telling her how I used to work, and now I am jobless and she said, You are not jobless mama. Your job is to take care of me and my little sister.

 

Damn straight little one...

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#23 of 72 Old 07-06-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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Yes, DITTO your entire post tpase!  Especially the part about ditching the housework and taking the kiddos with you to hang out... excellent for vocab development!

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#24 of 72 Old 07-06-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Mama!  As others here have said, staying home with kids is HARD work!  Doing it without support is crazy hard!  As others have said, it sounds like you need some time for you (when hubby's home, I guess, as outside help doesn't seem to be an option right now).  I LOVE the opportunity to go for a walk by myself and actually complete thoughts!  I also agree with an earlier commenter who said to simplify down to what really needs done (actually, I think she said to ditch the housework) and just enjoy your babies and go out and make some friends! 

 

Finally, and I hope this isn't terribly unpopular or offensive and it's just a suggestion...but I know that when I change my expectations, I'm a whole lot happier.  I'm tandem nursing and bedsharing with the 3yo and the 1yo these days and sometimes, in the middle of the night I get resentful if the 3yo in particular wakes and wants to nurse.  It's usually in my half sleep and I grumble and make things difficult for both of us...but if I just ask myself what the problem is - why is it a big deal to nurse her for the 3 minutes it will take her to fall asleep, I usually realize that I'm not really opposed to doing it, I'm just feeling put upon...  I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe, instead of resenting the baby wanting to be on your lap when you're on the computer you tell yourself that you'll play on the computer either when the kids are asleep or when the baby's on your lap...then you may look forward to the baby wanting to be held - so you can do some surfing....  There for a while I really looked forward to solo trips to the neighborhood store for an item or two.  I could get away for 15 - 20 minutes by myself for a needed break (NOTHING wrong with that!) but the 3yo REALLY wanted to go with me and would be awfully sad when I didn't take her (STILL nothing wrong with going by myself), but when I decided to change my attitude - to see the trips as an opportunity for one on one time with a child, I not only didn't resent taking her, I relished it. 

 

Anyway, what you're feeling is very real and very understandable!  I hope you can find some changes that work for your family - you don't need to be miserable and how great if you and the kids can look back at this period of time as that wonderful window when you all got to spend time together.  You know how it goes, once you're working again you'll likely look back and miss alot of this.  Good luckd!!


Mrs. S - Crunchy child of The King, Wife to my best friend, and Mama to my many blessings.

 
 
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#25 of 72 Old 07-07-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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I just found this post by googling "I hate being SAHM".    My daughters are 4 yrs and 2 yrs, and I have been a SAHM since my older daughter was born.   For me its always been hard, and I keep waiting for it to get a bit easier and it doesn't..it just changes.     Hugs to you as I vividly remember how difficult it was having a 3 year old and 1 year old.     I haven't read all the previous posts, but definitely find a way to have your husband help out more.  The whole notion that SAHMs should be able to take care of kids, clean house, cook meals, keep up on all the $#!% is purely craziness.      I wanted to suggest if you could find a Mothers Helper.  Maybe a neighbor girl or such, someone who could come in an help with the girls or the dishes, etc....and usually doesn't cost much.    You wouldn't necessarily leave the kids person, but they'd be an extra set of hands.  I know it might take a few weeks for your kids to adust, but the long-term could be worth it.

 

I have no great advice.  To say its the  hardest job is an understatement.   There have been periods where its been difficult for me to find any time.  I usually turn to taking a hot bath, by myself, for 30 minutes a couple times a week, after the kids are in bed.  It does miracles for the soul.

 

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#26 of 72 Old 07-08-2011, 06:39 AM
 
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Hi there,

 

I just was reading this thread and wanted to add something.  I completely mean this with no sarcasm, no snark nothing like that.  I read this quote the other day and it really rang true with me.  I work full time and also have 2 DD's at home, 3 and 1.  I feel stretched so thin between work, 2 hours of commuting, cleaning, spending quality time with my kids etc.  I have a wonderful husband who helps a ton but I couldn't stop focusing on the bad and how hard life was and how I wish I was home with my girls which is the reason that I am on this forum in the first place! 

 

I for sure can understand how hard it would be to be home full time and know that everyone needs a place to vent so please, again don't take this as snarky, I am just hoping that you can get from this what I got from it which is to reshape the way that I am thinking and change the things I can to lighten my load.  Good luck.

 

 attitude.jpg

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#27 of 72 Old 07-11-2011, 12:40 PM
 
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Haven't read all the replies - but have you considered getting a mother's helper?  Even a few hours a week would help to give you a little break. 

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#28 of 72 Old 07-11-2011, 12:54 PM
 
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sorry, could not read through all the posts, but I suggest you make a schedule with ur dh, when he is home to take care of the kids so that you can get OUT of the house and do whatever you want. Spending whole day with the kids totally on me, drives me completely nuts....

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#29 of 72 Old 07-15-2011, 09:27 AM
 
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I wouldn't say I hate it, but I don't love it.  DD was unplanned, so suddenly all of my plans and dreams for the future were wiped away.  I didn't choose for my entire lifestyle to change, and it's exactly that - the lack of choice about it - that still irks me.  When I feel angry or am having problems with DD, I KNOW that this weird bitterness about having my life taken away without my permission is there lurking underneath it all.  We're 15 months in, and I'm still hanging on to it, far more tightly than I should.  I sense the same anger in you, that this SAHM-thing HAPPENED to you.  Your life as you knew it, the whole way that you identified yourself, was pulled away without your permission or internal preparation.  Sometimes I try to think of it as going through the stages or mourning or something.  I think these feelings are justified, but it doesn't make them beneficial or easy to deal with. 

 

Anyway, I was wondering if it would help you to tell us something about yourself that doesn't have anything to do with the kids?  I'm not sure where the appropriate space is on this forum to do it, but I think it would be helpful to have a kid-free discussion zone for SAHMs, to help us remember who we are and what are aspirations are for ourselves. 

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#30 of 72 Old 07-17-2011, 01:18 AM
 
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((hug)) i am so sorry things are sucking so bad for you right now. it sounds so hard. i can't imagine dealing with all of the kid stuff and chronic pain.

 

my dh is a bit like yours it sounds like. he just doesn't seem to get it at times, it isn't that he is a jerk at all, just clueless. we will go along with me doing everything (which is fine) and then i blow up (not so fine) and then he helps out and then slowly he stops and we start it all over again. i love the idea of a chore list. just so he knows what you need help with. my dh will go into a living room that is full of toys and games and not see the mess. lol i am about to go nuts! 

 

i love being a homemaker and a sahm. i really do, BUT that doesn't mean it isn't harder then $%#@! and that some days just suck (i found that to be true with my job too. lol)

 

do you have a good parks and recs near you? or maybe taking a CC course or even getting a part time job just on weekends (or when ever dh isn't working)? i have no idea what you did before, but could you work in a used book store? just to get out and be around people? how is your dh with your little one? 

 

maybe with your friend you could have some sort of "it's ok to vent" rule? i have a wonderful group of friends and we just say.. i am venting i don't want advice just nod and say i understand. lol sometimes you just want to get it off your chest. 

 

((hug))

 

h


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