Feeling like a SAHM failure. :( (kind of a long vent, need advice please) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really could use some advice or encouragement to keep me going, and I need to vent a whole lot of feelings. greensad.gif I feel pretty much house bound with my 2yo and 5 week old. My 2yo is driving me crazy, and I feel like I am being a bad mom to her, or at least not anything close to the mom I *was* before DS was born.

DD watches SO much TV lately. Finding Nemo every day. We have 50 episodes of Wonder Pets recorded and she's practically memorized them. eyesroll.gif She has an easel that we draw on, and a play kitchen, but her toys are getting stale to her, I think because we're inside all. the. time. plus I have to leave her to play on her own a lot to tend to DS or get him to fall asleep. DD has had quite a few meltdowns (in her defense, so have *I*) and it's just SO HARD and I feel like I can't get the hang of this mom-of-two gig. I feel like a failure.

Yes, I've let the housekeeping slide. A lot. And it drives me nuts because I am the one who has to cook, do laundry, etc and step over a huge mess, or move dirty dishes over to make room to cook. So that bit about letting standards take a back burner is hurting me, too.

We have no friends or family locally, no one who can take DD or play with her for a while. We've only been here one year and don't have a network of people yet. (Those we do know are older, single, no kids. etc...)

We live in a fairly small condo and have little to no backyard. We're working on tearing out a very old garden to put down a small patch of sod for DD to play, but the rest of the yard is on a slope, has thorny plants, and tons of bugs to boot. And it's been about 110* here with the heat index lately, so I don't feel like getting everyone outside and then have DS drenched in sweat in the Beco. (and me, too.) greensad.gif

Our condo community is built on a hill, so I don't feel safe getting DD a balance bike (although I think she'd love one) due to the slope of the roads. We have no sidewalks to walk on, no nearby parks that don't require packing up the car, and a really busy street we have to cross to get anywhere (with no crosswalks.)

Today my DD was wailing for me to draw on her easel (that is how she wants it...*I* draw and she colors over what I draw.) and she would. not. stop. and DS was frantically trying to fall asleep (and is in a lovely phase of only napping in the carrier during the day, but toddler wailing apparently keeps him awake... eyesroll.gif) I was bouncing DS on the yoga ball with some music on, and DD just kept howling and I finally shut and locked the door to keep her out while he fell asleep. She was distraught to say the least and I felt awful.

When DS fell asleep I came out and took her hand and said let's go draw on your easel together. She told me she was upset. greensad.gif So I told her that can happen sometimes and it will go away and she'll feel better soon. Of course she was wailing about something ELSE 15 minutes later. greensad.gif

I've been pressuring DH to ask his boss if he can work from home 2 days//week, and he hasn't yet. I feel bad for pushing him because I know he thinks it will make him look bad at work, like he is slacking or something. Obviously, we both know that when he works from home he will get very little actual career-related work done. greensad.gif

I'm having oversupply issues and let down issues with DS nursing, and he just had a tongue tie clipped, so nursing is not 100% great right now, so I do try to really sit down with him and focus, rather than nurse while playing with DD or something. He cries a lot, I think from gas and nursing related stuff. greensad.gif

Help. Oh, help. I am drowning. And SO sore from wearing DS. And beating myself up for being a crappy mom right now. I feel like I've been posting all over MDC lately trying to feel better and figure things out, but I am just not doing well at all.





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#2 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 01:04 PM
 
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HI, my oh my you sound a lot like i do at times, let me first tell you being a mom isnt for wimps that is for sure, i mean that in the best possible way, my father always says that to me when i call him crying and stressed out.

its the hardest job being a mom, and i only have one. Do not feel like a failure, once you start in on feeling like that, it means more depression more stress and you will drive yourself nutts!

My daughter is 4 and drives me bonkers, i got sick about a year and a half ago, i took a medication that has now caused me seizures, she was 2 back then and so well manageable, now she seems out of control a lot. i tend to drown myself with doing this that or the other thing.

IT IS COMPLETELY understandable you cannot get to housework,nurse and be a mom to both children, and destress yourself. However your child that is watching tv, perhaps you can get her watching dora, or diego, they do teach spanish, so its something she can learn from atleast.

when the baby goes down for a nap, perhaps your two year old can go down for a nap as well, im not sure that is an option or if they both nap still or not. But my daughter even at 4 takes a nap, i cannot tell you what a stress relief that can be. during this time, perhaps you can take a few minutes doing some laundry or start some dishes, try breathing slower, so that your relaxing more while doing chores. i tend to try focusing on remembering the funny things my daughter does, instead of stressing out what she did earlier. it helps me laugh a bit, and take the edge off almost instantly.

The other option is let your baby nap during the mornings, and let your toddler and you pick up her toys, and put them away allowing her to only take out a few at a time. and try helping her to put them away easier. like get a plastic tot or toy bin in the livingroom.

tv isnt a bad thing for children like it was 30 to 40 years ago, least now we have more educational tv shows, albeit its not the best thing for children, but better than it was.

Far as not knowing anyone, im the queen of not knowing anyone where we live either, it is LONELY, trust me i know.

however there are place such as this website, that have in state or even in some cases websites that are per city/state.

Moms looking for play dates.

I took my daughter to the park one day and met another mom there, and our daughters played and we talked, i cannot tell you how much relief i had, i was so worn out from her that i needed a break!

your husband may work but his job ends at the end of the day and gets a break from work, your job is 24/7 girl so dont be so hard on yourself!

nobody knows how hard it is to be a mom, only mothers. or fathers who are doing a moms job.

if you want please add me as a friend or email me anytime ive no problems talking to you, i could use more mothers that i can ask advice from as well.

i also wanted to tell you my daughter plays leapster explorer, she has had this since she was almost 3, but its geared for 4 and up.

she learned how to spell,read some, numbers and colors, the best thing is she plays this thing like mad!

that is also an option for you as well.

you could even go with a more inexpensive one that is the leapster 2, and start there.

its real durable and is great for any child.

I hope this has helped,

i dont know what to say about baby sitters, perhaps a visit from your mom or dad could help? are they near by you or can they visit?

any sisters that can come help or any family members at all?

the other thing is, you could always look on college campus' for students taking courses on child behavior and developement and ask them if they want to make some extra money.

course have them be at your home watching your two year old until you have well gotten to know them.

i hope this helps!

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#3 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 02:20 PM
 
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I think XGypsyX had some good advice for you. One thing that came to mind is to maybe play some classical music at the start of the morning to set the tone for the house. It should make it a little easier for the baby to rest.  I was also thinking that maybe you could separate DD toys into groups and bring out a different group each day so that they are "new" that day. I second the Leapster. Both of my children had one at age 2 and they were a big hit!

 

As for the housekeeping , maybe do a little housework in 15 min increments. Let DD help. Give her a pile of socks to match while you move around to get other things done.

 

I know that some of these suggestions may not work for you, but hopefully, it'll give a you a few ideas and a little breather.


K. Michelle ~ Single, working (and still homeschooling) Mama to dd (S) 8/02 and ds (A) 9/07
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#4 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 02:31 PM
 
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Oh...oh I am there right with you. I only have a min but i just  wanted to offer you hugs and let you know my son has watched so much thomas that i dream about that stupid train hug2.gif


 

Lisa, Mama to two 2-26-09 and 6-15-11

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#5 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 02:44 PM
 
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big hugs, I have been seeing your posts come up a lot recently. It had sooo many days like that in the beginning with my 2. but around 5 months it started getting SO SO SO much better. now at 8 months we're having a blast.

 

where in tennessee are you?

 

for me, it was all about survival mode in the beginning. lots of tv for DS1. lots of ergo/sling time for DS2.

 

I want to strongly/gently encourage you to figure out your DS's digestive issues. Once we got them figured out, DS2 STOPPED CRYING all the time and things were MUCH easier. Do some reading on elimination diets, and try probiotics. We use Udo's Choice for Infant, and it is dairy free. If he is reacting to foods in your diet (which can cause reflux, and even silent reflux (if he is not spitting up, just having the pain)) they can cause reflux too. Dairy is a HUGE one. What are his poops like? I dealt with reflux, dairy intolerance, overactive letdown/oversupply, and foremilk/hindmilk imbalance with BOTH my boys, so if you need any specific advice please feel free to PM me.

 

As for the housework, chores, etc. DH and I do those on weekends. We keep the house mostly picked up during the week, but worry about laundry, catching up on dishes, actual cleaning, etc for the weekends. When DS2 was younger I wore him in the ergo and cleaned while he napped. DH cleaned and entertained DS1. Not the most fun way to spend your weekends, but it took a lot of stress off of us to have things clean/caught up.


Catie belly.gif- Happy wife to Aaron stillheart.gif(01.05), mama to Liambikenew.gif(08.08), and Ian jammin.gif (11.10)! homebirth.jpgnocirc.giffamilybed1.gif and joy.gif due Feb 2013 with blessing #3!

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#6 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 03:18 PM
 
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I have no advice, but just wanted to send you a hug and tell you that I could have written that post four years ago when my ds was a newborn. It was the most difficult couple of months in my entire life and the time I felt most like a parenting failure. It gets better. Go easy on yourself.


Diane, SAHM to DD (June 05) and DS (April 07).
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#7 of 30 Old 07-14-2011, 04:39 PM
 
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With a 5 week old, all bets are off! This is going to be a little blip in DD's life, you'll get back to being able to spend more time with her! Take things day by day, but when you reflect on how things went, don't compare today and yesterday, compare today with a week ago, or two weeks ago. It's easier to spot little changes, or hints that a routine might be developing, anything that might be improvements that way... it happens slowly, but you will get the hang of it! I think a lot of babies sort of click with nursing around 6 weeks... I think they have a growth spurt around then and their appetite finally catches up to your supply. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself some time!

 

It's a BIG adjustment to having to split your attention, for you and for DD, but it'll get better. She is going to develop a relationship with her brother, and that will to priceless... it starts sooner than you might think, too. Right from when the baby starts to giggle, she will want to entertain him. When my DD was about 5 months old, she'd lay on the floor in the morning when I had my coffee, and DS would pull her gently by the legs across the floor saying "Caitlin and me are going to my room to play!" When she started to talk, DD's word for nursing was "Ninute!" because I'd say "In a minute!" to her while I made her brother's lunch or helped him with something.

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~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#8 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 06:53 AM
 
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I found going from one to two really hard!  It will get easier! Just go easy on yourself. You are not a failure if she watches a bit to much TV for the next month or if she has to wait while you get your newborn to sleep. She will survive and you are doing just fine! It really will get easier and pretty soon you will feel like wondermom. :) 

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#9 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 07:09 AM
 
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Having people around can definitely help.  Try meetup.com  I found a couple moms playgroups nearby.  Local moms can be a real asset in helping you find a class or program you can put your 2 year old in for an hour or two.  

Best wishes, I know how isolating being in the house is.  Feels like you are the only one.

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#10 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XGypsyX View Post

HI, my oh my you sound a lot like i do at times, let me first tell you being a mom isnt for wimps that is for sure, i mean that in the best possible way, my father always says that to me when i call him crying and stressed out.

its the hardest job being a mom, and i only have one. Do not feel like a failure, once you start in on feeling like that, it means more depression more stress and you will drive yourself nutts!

My daughter is 4 and drives me bonkers, i got sick about a year and a half ago, i took a medication that has now caused me seizures, she was 2 back then and so well manageable, now she seems out of control a lot. i tend to drown myself with doing this that or the other thing.

IT IS COMPLETELY understandable you cannot get to housework,nurse and be a mom to both children, and destress yourself. However your child that is watching tv, perhaps you can get her watching dora, or diego, they do teach spanish, so its something she can learn from atleast.

when the baby goes down for a nap, perhaps your two year old can go down for a nap as well, im not sure that is an option or if they both nap still or not. But my daughter even at 4 takes a nap, i cannot tell you what a stress relief that can be. during this time, perhaps you can take a few minutes doing some laundry or start some dishes, try breathing slower, so that your relaxing more while doing chores. i tend to try focusing on remembering the funny things my daughter does, instead of stressing out what she did earlier. it helps me laugh a bit, and take the edge off almost instantly.

The other option is let your baby nap during the mornings, and let your toddler and you pick up her toys, and put them away allowing her to only take out a few at a time. and try helping her to put them away easier. like get a plastic tot or toy bin in the livingroom.

tv isnt a bad thing for children like it was 30 to 40 years ago, least now we have more educational tv shows, albeit its not the best thing for children, but better than it was.

Far as not knowing anyone, im the queen of not knowing anyone where we live either, it is LONELY, trust me i know.

however there are place such as this website, that have in state or even in some cases websites that are per city/state.

Moms looking for play dates.

I took my daughter to the park one day and met another mom there, and our daughters played and we talked, i cannot tell you how much relief i had, i was so worn out from her that i needed a break!

your husband may work but his job ends at the end of the day and gets a break from work, your job is 24/7 girl so dont be so hard on yourself!

nobody knows how hard it is to be a mom, only mothers. or fathers who are doing a moms job.

if you want please add me as a friend or email me anytime ive no problems talking to you, i could use more mothers that i can ask advice from as well.

i also wanted to tell you my daughter plays leapster explorer, she has had this since she was almost 3, but its geared for 4 and up.

she learned how to spell,read some, numbers and colors, the best thing is she plays this thing like mad!

that is also an option for you as well.

you could even go with a more inexpensive one that is the leapster 2, and start there.

its real durable and is great for any child.

I hope this has helped,

i dont know what to say about baby sitters, perhaps a visit from your mom or dad could help? are they near by you or can they visit?

any sisters that can come help or any family members at all?

the other thing is, you could always look on college campus' for students taking courses on child behavior and developement and ask them if they want to make some extra money.

course have them be at your home watching your two year old until you have well gotten to know them.

i hope this helps!


Right now the baby naps ON ME. eyesroll.gif So, I've been trying to play with DD while wearing DS but if she gets too loud I have to walk away from her or she wakes him up. Asking her to pick up her toys... lol.gif You have some great suggestions, really, and your post makes me feel better, but the reality is that I WISH these suggestions would work. DD would just yell NO! and knock something over, or pull out more toys, or cry and wail for something else. She's not very into "helping" me. She likes to do what SHE wants. Part of why I feel upset is because she's not a very affectionate kid to begin with. I've spent many hours worrying this...we did AP with her from the beginning and yet she still doesn't really like to hug or kiss, cuddle, etc. When I put her to bed, if I rub her head, or put my fingers through her hair, she often pushes my hand away (or my face away, if I am trying to kiss her.) greensad.gif

On the family...no, there is no one nearby. That's a huge problem for me, but that's just the way it is. It feels so crazy right now, like I JUST BARELY getting by-- I can't even imagine leaving the house with the two of them alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185 View Post

big hugs, I have been seeing your posts come up a lot recently. It had sooo many days like that in the beginning with my 2. but around 5 months it started getting SO SO SO much better. now at 8 months we're having a blast.

 

where in tennessee are you?

 

for me, it was all about survival mode in the beginning. lots of tv for DS1. lots of ergo/sling time for DS2.

 

I want to strongly/gently encourage you to figure out your DS's digestive issues. Once we got them figured out, DS2 STOPPED CRYING all the time and things were MUCH easier. Do some reading on elimination diets, and try probiotics. We use Udo's Choice for Infant, and it is dairy free. If he is reacting to foods in your diet (which can cause reflux, and even silent reflux (if he is not spitting up, just having the pain)) they can cause reflux too. Dairy is a HUGE one. What are his poops like? I dealt with reflux, dairy intolerance, overactive letdown/oversupply, and foremilk/hindmilk imbalance with BOTH my boys, so if you need any specific advice please feel free to PM me.

 

As for the housework, chores, etc. DH and I do those on weekends. We keep the house mostly picked up during the week, but worry about laundry, catching up on dishes, actual cleaning, etc for the weekends. When DS2 was younger I wore him in the ergo and cleaned while he napped. DH cleaned and entertained DS1. Not the most fun way to spend your weekends, but it took a lot of stress off of us to have things clean/caught up.


I'm in Clarksville, north of Nashville and south of Ft. Campbell.

Yes, I think it's OAL and oversupply. I've been block feeding about twice on each side before switching and it *seems* to help with the spitting up. He still spits up almost every feed, but not nearly as much as before. The testing for reflux scares me. He has a ped appt next week and I will bring it up. Praying it's not food or reflux, though.





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#11 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 01:57 PM
 
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Right now the baby naps ON ME. eyesroll.gif So, I've been trying to play with DD while wearing DS but if she gets too loud I have to walk away from her or she wakes him up. Asking her to pick up her toys... lol.gif You have some great suggestions, really, and your post makes me feel better, but the reality is that I WISH these suggestions would work. DD would just yell NO! and knock something over, or pull out more toys, or cry and wail for something else. She's not very into "helping" me. She likes to do what SHE wants. Part of why I feel upset is because she's not a very affectionate kid to begin with. I've spent many hours worrying this...we did AP with her from the beginning and yet she still doesn't really like to hug or kiss, cuddle, etc. When I put her to bed, if I rub her head, or put my fingers through her hair, she often pushes my hand away (or my face away, if I am trying to kiss her.) greensad.gif

On the family...no, there is no one nearby. That's a huge problem for me, but that's just the way it is. It feels so crazy right now, like I JUST BARELY getting by-- I can't even imagine leaving the house with the two of them alone.



I'm in Clarksville, north of Nashville and south of Ft. Campbell.

Yes, I think it's OAL and oversupply. I've been block feeding about twice on each side before switching and it *seems* to help with the spitting up. He still spits up almost every feed, but not nearly as much as before. The testing for reflux scares me. He has a ped appt next week and I will bring it up. Praying it's not food or reflux, though.



 


Ok, being on the outside looking inwards, has your daughter always done this with you being so inaffectionate? i came from a family of 6, and i was the youngest my brother before me, he used to be a real handful, later in life my mom was told by him he acted out hatefully so because he was jealous of the lack of time mom had for him.

just a suggestion could be she may be missing your time.

not real sure if you have tried to have hubby take the baby for say the weekend, and try taking your daughter out one on one with you, and making it all about her.

and suggest to her in a way she can understand that babies take a lot of work, and let her know that this is why you wanted to take her out this weekend to spend time with just her, let her know your sorry for not being able to have more time, but once the baby gets older then things will change.

i feel for you so much i read and reread everything this time ;) again i hope you try the explorer games, this was a life saver for me and for my daughter.

Also if she has always been this way not needing as much attention from you, she could be real headstrong and not wanting to "feel" like a baby, very independant type.

if that is the case dont fear her not loving you, course she does, it can be difficult having them at this stage not needing or sometimes not wanting the mommy near them constantly or even sometimes. I think it could be a stage for her trying to gain independance as well.

again i offer friendship or anytime you want to pm me im available.

i hope that you get some relief soon!
 

 

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#12 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 02:05 PM
 
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OK, Im back. Much later, but I'm back.

 

I feel your pain- I have two right around the same age as yours. I had an emergency C/S a month early so I wasn't anywhere near mobile nor were things anywhere near ready for the baby to be here.  So certain things HAD to give.  I gave up on housework and making any food for anyone but my two year old. Luckily I had one frozen tray of baked ziti I made when I was pregnant and we ate that nearly every night for 4 days :)  During the day, I couldn't really run after my son, so I had to contain him in the room with me. So it was that stupid train Thomas. All.Day. I'm not proud of it. We watched every episode on on demand about a bizillion times. But he was happy enough. The living room was a mess because he took out every toy he had to play and I couldn't really bend over to pick them up. So, he took advantage of that :) Even now that I'm mobile, sometimes he has to watch TV. It keeps his attention and it keeps him quiet so he doesn't wake up his sister.  It keeps me sane for the time being until I can figure out a schedule for us. Don't feel bad that you're watching a ton of TV now (I feel guilty too) because it will get easier and we will be able to be on a schedule.

 

Are you all a one car family? We are, so even if I were brave enough to take the two out by myself, I don't have anyway to get anywhere. We do walk around the complex to get some fresh air and allow DS to scream. (he's in the screaming phase right now. sigh.) If the heat breaks some, would you be able to take the kids to the park? Maybe super early in the morning before it gets hot? Its challenging to even think about leaving with the 2 by myself, but at least if we are someplace like the park and your two year old has a meltdown, at least they're outside and not, say, in a grocery store or something.  It's challenging and I don't have too much advice for you there. I would try to do something outside though. That's been my sanity saver.

 

Do you get a lot of help from your DH when he comes home? Because, really, you can't be responsible for everything home related right now. It's not fair nor is it possible. Later you can take care of all the housework.

 

I got into a huge argument with my husband a week or so ago because the house was a mess and he had to clean up. He said "YOU were the one who said you wanted to stay home with the kids. So how come every time I ask you you're upset"  That was an ugly argument. but now he helps to clean up and make dinner. I left him home for a couple of hours while I went to Target. He changed his mind pretty quickly :) 

 

I am sure things will come together for you soon Mama. hug2.gif

 


 

Lisa, Mama to two 2-26-09 and 6-15-11

"Hey baby, do you like trains?"

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#13 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 02:15 PM
 
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ok guys go ahead and laugh at me here but what are all the short dd and ds and stuff stand for? lol

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#14 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ok guys go ahead and laugh at me here but what are all the short dd and ds and stuff stand for? lol


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#15 of 30 Old 07-15-2011, 05:36 PM
 
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I never had either DS tested for reflux (i agree, scary!) but they fit all of the criterea and we tried medication and it WORKED so, I knew that's what it was. Food and reflux sensitivities really aren't that scary. ;) Dairy is a really really common issue. With my DS2, he was screaming for hours a day everyday. We started him on Zantac, THAT DAY the screaming stopped. I also had to cut out dairy for him. I am not a huge fan of medication, but untreated reflux can have serious side effects.


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#16 of 30 Old 07-19-2011, 08:34 PM
 
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You are in NO way a failure. Just know that. You are stressed and everyone here understands.

 

Gypsy had some good suggestions for you, for sure. I justw ant to add a few things.

 

First of all, since you live in Clarksville, I actually live somewhat close. I'll PM you about that...

 

As for housework, I don't know a single mom who has a perfectly clean house. They (I) keep it manageable, at best. I use FlyLady.net and it helps. I take 15 minutes for each room a day and it keeps my sanity intact. 

 

About the stale toys, try putting some away for a while, then pulling them out after a few weeks. Cycle toys like that it will seem new for awhile. When that stopped working for me, I bought chalkboard paint, and painted my girls a chalkboard on the wall. They have an easel too, but what kid doesn't love to write on the wall?! Lol.

 

My littlest had GERD, you might want to see about getting your littlest on some Zantac, as was mentioned previously. It will probably help TONS! It did for us!


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#17 of 30 Old 07-21-2011, 07:56 PM
 
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Hello! I understand how you feel- my first two ds's are 14 months apart so when the second was born I had to find ways to entertain a toddler while taking care of a newborn.  Here are some of the things we did that helped keep my oldest entertained:

1. Gymboree classes- these can be a little expensive but they are so worth it.  You can let your dd run around while you sit on the mat with the baby.  The other moms were always so nice and helpful, too.

2. This is going to sound stupid but we would go to the grocery store (usually earlier in the morning when it wasn't crowded) and walk around.  The grocery store we went to had a hot bar so I would get him some breakfast and then we would sit down in the cafe area and eat.  It would be pretty quiet at those times so I could feed and take care of the baby while he ate and just hung out.

3. Library- we went to the local library once or twice a week.  He would look at books and walk around or we would go to the story times they had.  It was a pretty small confined area so I felt comfortable letting him go around while I took care of the baby.

These things require getting in the car and driving somewhere but the good thing about it is when you get there you can let dd do her thing while you deal with the baby.  I had to force myself to get ds and myself dressed and out of the house everyday but even a trip to the supermarket kept ds from getting cabin fever and having meltdowns. I just had to make sure where ever we went had a place for me to sit and feed the baby and ds could be entertained at the same time.  

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#18 of 30 Old 07-21-2011, 09:59 PM
 
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Beauchamp how are you hanging in there?


 

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#19 of 30 Old 07-22-2011, 11:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Beauchamp how are you hanging in there?


Swaying with a sleeping DS, so I'll try to squeeze this in before he wakes up...typing fast!!!

Thanks for checking on me. I've been so busy lately and have had no time to get on MDC besides reading it on my phone. I've been going non stop and feeling like I'm going to drop. NO sleep last night, maybe an hour or two. greensad.gif

DS is on a small dose on Zantac for reflux after our ped visit yesterday. Doc says his tongue tie clip healed well and looks normal, so that's great! It made him sleep all day yesterday and he was up all night. Not hysterically crying Thank GOD, but the paci kept falling out every 5-10 minutes (and so I was awake putting it back in) and also he kept startling himself awake. (Swaddling seems to make him really mad, so we don't. I just tuck his legs up, or make sure the blankets are bunched around his body. If his arms aren't free he waves them until they are free, which always wakes him up.) I'm hoping tonight is better and he is more calm. I am praying the medicine helps him feel better.

I've started taking St Johns Wort for depression based on The Mood Cure book. (I'm not sure about the other aminos due to nursing.)

He's started being okay falling asleep (with help getting there) in the swing and the vibrating rocker chair, with a paci, lots of blankets holding him, etc. Then I have tried to be with DD as much as I can, hug her, try to remind her she's special to me. Of course today she's driving me crazy, because when DS naps in the carrier, she suddenly stops listening to me and drives me up the wall. (my sweet baby...grr...the word "no" is her favorite thing when I am holding DS.)

My DH doesn't seem to get how much this affects me. Or, if he does, he's not doing much about it. We're just in a bad place right now. He has become SO negative since we had kids...regularly complains about how he can't do things anymore, he gets no sleep, all about how awful his life is...and yet when confronted he gives me the "correct" answer...you know, "I love you, I'm the luckiest husband and father"...etc, etc...but he's not walking the walk, yk? I get that he's sleep deprived. It's wearing on me, though. I feel like the only parent most days. It's so frustrating...vaccines came up yesterday at the ped and he just said "well, what do most other parent's do?" eyesroll.gif And I basically said WE get to decide, not other parents, not the ped, etc...that how to parent is to make informed decisions in the best interest of our kids etc, not to just follow the herd and that it requires reading, research, thought...and then his eyes glazed over. greensad.gifeyesroll.gif So I guess the vax stuff is ALL on my shoulders. Sigh. But I KNOW he'll pop up with some question or snarky comment at the end and try to have an opinion, which will be based on nothing but his uninformed opinion and will really tick me off.

I'm still SO nervous about leaving the house, handling DD and DS together. Grocery store, LLL, park...(aside from the fact that it's blazing hot and humid and gross outside and seems ridiculous to leave the house in this weather) I'm still freaked out to go alone. I can't get past this yet. I KNOW it would help me mentally to get out. IF it goes well, which I can't predict. if an outing went badly it would set me back a lot right now because I just don't feel confident and resilient.

I'm going to have to get my crap together, though. I'm still in pajamas all day at 6 weeks PP and I feel bored (!) (house bound, I guess) I'm tired of the play kitchen, the easel, watching Wonder Pets, of DD being difficult. I'm complaining a lot about my circumstances, and I wish I could just figure it out rather than think about how many obstacles I feel are in my way. (Heat, humidity, nerves about NIP'ing, keeping track of DD in public when she wants to be difficult or when DS has a meltdown and I have a cartload of groceries...our lack of backyard, our sloping roads that prevent the balance bike from being an option...I could go on and on...)



Gee, it sounds like I am not getting any better, huh? lol.gif


It doesn't seem like both of my kids ever pause and just sit still for two seconds so I can ever concentrate on something, like shopping for anything at Target, for example, so why bother? Why put myself through that? I have no clothes that fit me (like, almost LITERALLY no shorts or capris or clothes for my bottom half because they are all my pre-pregnancy size and I need to lose um, a bit (*cough*) to fit into them. And I really could use some nursing tops. But HOW could I possibly browse a store for clothes, and try something on with my offspring in tow? Do moms really do that?? They must have easier babies. eyesroll.gif



I'm just really on edge about doing it right, no one crying (or crying for very long), meeting all the needs...being a good mom. When I see other moms it seems like they have it together much more than me, and I really want to be that way, too.



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#20 of 30 Old 07-22-2011, 12:50 PM
 
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(((hugs))) mama. I did not do any shopping by myself with the kids until DS2 was able to sit in a stroller, and I got a double stroller (DS2 was around 5 months old). Before that, I went with DH and the kids. Or DH watched one kid while I took the other. Grocery shopping-- I just went by myself with the boys for the first time about a month ago. Before that, DH went and took DS1 along. You are only 6 weeks PP. Try to enjoy (i know i know, it is hard) this early time in your DS's life and don't worry about wearing your PJ's or not going shopping (oh yeah, i did a LOT of online shopping in the early months.. for any and everything... amazon.com became my friend). Heck, I still wear my PJ's most days (unless we are going out) because I want to be comfortable if I'm at home. With just DS1, we went out a lot. Playgroups, shopping, errands, to the park, etc... once I had DS2 I realized that once you add more than one child, you have to base your day around being at home (at least, for me).. Do what you can to make your home a place that you and your kids want to be. Because getting out when both kids are happy, fed, rested, and everyone is dressed is REALLY hard. The window of time is small. I have found though, that my kids usually do well when we are out.. BUT if we are out too much/too long, they do worse once we get back home. So.. like most things, it is about finding balance. What time are you all up in the morning? Can you go outside early and go for a walk? I know it is hot (been in the 100's here recently!) but if we get out around 7, it is bearable.. and I let DS1 walk while I push DS2 in the stroller, and it is great exersize for all!

 

hang in there, I promise you it will get easier.


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#21 of 30 Old 07-26-2011, 03:29 PM
 
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I've still only got one (got the second bun cooking) so I don't know how much help I am but one thing I've seen mentioned elsewhere is posting a sign up for hiring a kid in your complex to come hang out with your DD for cheap so you can get a little more time to do things at the house.

We also have library groups around here that are really fun for the toddler set.  Alot of moms bring there babys as well.

I think that's it's near impossible even with one to do much for the first few months.  They're just constantly inputting or outputting or needing to be put to sleep (so cute though!). 

I also remember the fear of being out alone with my ds, and I was super nervous but once I got into the habit, it was just part of the routine.  My DS who's almost 2 is a completely different creature if he does or doesn't get out of the house during the day.

Good luck and I really hope you're not beating yourself up for it! 

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#22 of 30 Old 07-28-2011, 08:36 PM
 
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I only have a second, but just wanted to say... I wish we lived closer!  lol... I have 3 boys, ages 7, 3, almost 2... and another son on the way.  uhoh3.gif  My life is a circus right now, my house is always a disaster, and I'm constantly feeling horrible about the mother that I've become.  My almost 2 year old has been VERY high needs for quite a while now, and we're working with his pedi to get him on supplements and things that will help calm him down.  I feel like I'm totally losing my mind most days, and I can't really vent to anyone in my life, because they just make comments about bringing it upon myself for having "so many" kids.  

 

We moved here from AZ 10 years ago, so I have absolutely no family or friends in WA.  We only have one car, and DH takes it to work, so I don't get out to mommy/baby groups, or anywhere else that I could possibly meet other mamas.  It's rough, to say the least.

 

I don't have any advice, since I'm a mess as well... just wanted to offer you my sympathy!  hug2.gif


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#23 of 30 Old 08-05-2011, 08:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Beauchamp View Post


I've started taking St Johns Wort for depression based on The Mood Cure book. (I'm not sure about the other aminos due to nursing.)
 


I'd look into GABA. DH and I both take it. It's more for anxiety and relaxing you though. I'm not sure how much its really been studied with bf'ing. I still take it and bf my son but he's 2+ so he's not getting as much milk as your LO. 

 

I mostly just wanted to send you hugs! I don't have second child but your scenario about shopping at Target? That isn't exactly cake with just my two year old so I can't imagine it with a baby to boot! As for maybe a random new activity for DD my son loves to play with uncooked rice. I know some people set up mini sandboxes with it. He likes to pour it into different size cups, stir it, and mess with it in my pots/bakeware 'cooking'. It's quiet and something he does for a long time independently which honestly doesn't happen much. He makes a huge mess but I can just vacuum it up at the end. 

 


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#24 of 30 Old 08-08-2011, 08:25 PM
 
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hug2.gif  I have 3 kids under 5 and live in an apartment.

 

I want to let you in on a little secret - all those moms who look like they have it together?  Chances are they don't, at least some of the time.

 

I've been called one of those moms by another mom becasue I managed to get all 3 kids out to the drop-in that we go to and they're all content.  I felt a little guilty for bursting her bubble but I told her about how everything usually goes downhill after we leave and one or all of us will be in tears by 4 pm.

 

You'll learn your kids' cues and what they can handle and can go from there.  I cannot clothing shop with the older two so I do it online or leave them at home.  If we're running errands I can only go into two stores MAX and I must have snacks and drinks.  Today DD1 screamed in the store but I could not leave because I NEEDED the items I was buying.  So we stood in line with her screaming and DS whining about something and lots of people looking at us.  It was not an experience I'd like to repeat and I have learned to ignore the stares.

 

I don't think I saw this suggestion so I'll offer it - Give your DD a bath or at least throw her in the water with toys.  If your LO is napping, grab a book (for you) and read while she splashes around.  I've been doing this since I was about 8 months pregnant with my 3rd.  Somedays it's what gets me through.

 

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 I'm just really on edge about doing it right, no one crying (or crying for very long), meeting all the needs...being a good mom. When I see other moms it seems like they have it together much more than me, and I really want to be that way, too.

 


 

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#25 of 30 Old 08-09-2011, 06:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I only have a second, but just wanted to say... I wish we lived closer!  lol... I have 3 boys, ages 7, 3, almost 2... and another son on the way.  uhoh3.gif  My life is a circus right now, my house is always a disaster, and I'm constantly feeling horrible about the mother that I've become.  My almost 2 year old has been VERY high needs for quite a while now, and we're working with his pedi to get him on supplements and things that will help calm him down.  I feel like I'm totally losing my mind most days, and I can't really vent to anyone in my life, because they just make comments about bringing it upon myself for having "so many" kids.  

 

We moved here from AZ 10 years ago, so I have absolutely no family or friends in WA.  We only have one car, and DH takes it to work, so I don't get out to mommy/baby groups, or anywhere else that I could possibly meet other mamas.  It's rough, to say the least.

 

I don't have any advice, since I'm a mess as well... just wanted to offer you my sympathy!  hug2.gif


I wish I lived closer, too. greensad.gif Hugs, mama. hug2.gif
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I'd look into GABA. DH and I both take it. It's more for anxiety and relaxing you though. I'm not sure how much its really been studied with bf'ing. I still take it and bf my son but he's 2+ so he's not getting as much milk as your LO. 

 

I mostly just wanted to send you hugs! I don't have second child but your scenario about shopping at Target? That isn't exactly cake with just my two year old so I can't imagine it with a baby to boot! As for maybe a random new activity for DD my son loves to play with uncooked rice. I know some people set up mini sandboxes with it. He likes to pour it into different size cups, stir it, and mess with it in my pots/bakeware 'cooking'. It's quiet and something he does for a long time independently which honestly doesn't happen much. He makes a huge mess but I can just vacuum it up at the end. 

 


I have looked into GABA...from what I have found it's not okay for BFing. I figured I'd at least wait until I was not BFing constantly. Did you find that it's safe?
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hug2.gif  I have 3 kids under 5 and live in an apartment.

 

I want to let you in on a little secret - all those moms who look like they have it together?  Chances are they don't, at least some of the time.

 

I've been called one of those moms by another mom becasue I managed to get all 3 kids out to the drop-in that we go to and they're all content.  I felt a little guilty for bursting her bubble but I told her about how everything usually goes downhill after we leave and one or all of us will be in tears by 4 pm.

 

You'll learn your kids' cues and what they can handle and can go from there.  I cannot clothing shop with the older two so I do it online or leave them at home.  If we're running errands I can only go into two stores MAX and I must have snacks and drinks.  Today DD1 screamed in the store but I could not leave because I NEEDED the items I was buying.  So we stood in line with her screaming and DS whining about something and lots of people looking at us.  It was not an experience I'd like to repeat and I have learned to ignore the stares.

 

I don't think I saw this suggestion so I'll offer it - Give your DD a bath or at least throw her in the water with toys.  If your LO is napping, grab a book (for you) and read while she splashes around.  I've been doing this since I was about 8 months pregnant with my 3rd.  Somedays it's what gets me through.

 



 


She *might* go for this. She might also scream and refuse. lol.gif She's very good at being 2 right now. eyesroll.gif

I need to buy some white rice and let her do the pouring/scooping thing. Of course, she does this with her dry cereal anyway and it drives me nuts. So maybe not. lol.gif

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#26 of 30 Old 08-16-2011, 03:33 PM
 
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Hi Beaucahmp and Megame - I have the "bun in the oven" and a 2 year old.  I keep thinking I am completely insane (ok, my husband and I both are).  We moved to this small Oregon community, and I thought, whatever, I can make friends anywhere.  My husband's side of the family is out of state, somewhere we don't want to live, even though we love them.  My family is far away in another state, and my mom is completely toxic - I saw how she dealt with my niece, and there's no way I want her to take care of my children.  We chose the place that "called" to us to live, moving far from our last place just before my 2 year old son was born.

 

Guess what?  I am in this lovely house in the country, feeling like I'm going nuts most days.  I want to homeschool, I feel like it is the right thing to do, and I tell myself things *must* get better, but right now, we just don't have many friends.  And no family in the area.  One of the better friends I've made is in a town that takes 15 minutes to drive to.

 

I have ideas that I don't get around to implementing (or at least not very quickly).  My house is a mess - I never have the time to get it completely cleaned up, between my child's needs and the cooking I do (I refuse to use many "convenience" foods, so we eat some boring stuff).  Now that I'm pregnant, I'm even more tired!  I imagine that when #2 is here, things will be even worse for a while.

 

Just wanted to say, I can relate, and my plan is to hire a "tween" or someone older (been working on the flyer to hang up!) to hang out with my older child and play with him.  I hope he can develop a relationship / friendship with someone in the area.

 

I keep trying to tell myself, this will change in a few years, it won't stay this way, but it's hard to believe it.
 

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I've still only got one (got the second bun cooking) so I don't know how much help I am but one thing I've seen mentioned elsewhere is posting a sign up for hiring a kid in your complex to come hang out with your DD for cheap so you can get a little more time to do things at the house.

We also have library groups around here that are really fun for the toddler set.  Alot of moms bring there babys as well.

I think that's it's near impossible even with one to do much for the first few months.  They're just constantly inputting or outputting or needing to be put to sleep (so cute though!). 

I also remember the fear of being out alone with my ds, and I was super nervous but once I got into the habit, it was just part of the routine.  My DS who's almost 2 is a completely different creature if he does or doesn't get out of the house during the day.

Good luck and I really hope you're not beating yourself up for it! 



 

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#27 of 30 Old 08-22-2011, 04:56 PM
 
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How's it going this week? I am feeling like a SAHM failure on and off too. A lot of these mamas are right - it DOES get easier as your LO gets older. But then it sort of gets harder too... greensad.gif

 

I remember all the issues you are mentioning the first 3 months - the impossibility of juggling their needs, the impossibility of going out, oversupply, the sleep deprivation, etc, etc etc. Over time, most of that got all figured out and DD is actually the most chill little baby ever. She is seriously so laid back and went from SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF for hours a day between 6-12 weeks to crying almost NEVER just shy of 7 months. But we are also totally alone here (no friends, no family, no.body.) .. we moved when DD was 3 months. And my DS (just turned 3) decided this is good time to go through regression (from full-time potty trained to full time diapers, night waking, climbing in my DD's crib, and flat out saying "I'm a baby. I wanna be a baby."). That's what has made this part harder for me... now that DD sits and crawls, DS has turned insanely jealous and no amount of kiss, cuddles, and one-on-one time is enough. So actually I would say parenting the OLDER child has gotten harder, the baby has become cake.

 

The one thing that saves us is going out. I started when DD was just over 3 months and now we go pretty much everyday. I typically wear her at the park so I can have my hands free for DS while he's climbing and what-not. I got over the whole NIP thing..... I realized if any of us were ever gonna have any sanity, I'd just have to suck it up. Besides, I figured I literally don't know anyone in 200 miles, how embarassing could it be...? lol.gif

 

I pack our bag the night before - wipes and diapers, snacks & underwear (diapers?! GRRR) for DS, water, sunscreen, extra clothes, and what have you. After the morning nap ends and everyone seems in a decent mood, I just go. Both kids moods are about a 100000% better when we're not in the 900 sq ft apt with no outside space. 

 

I also had  (several) huge talks with my DH. We've never had anything even remotely close to a "struggle" period before so I just laid it all out there - I'm drowning. Help me more. Do the laundry. Take DS to the park. I'm going running - here's the kids. When you get home from work, the day is not over. You worked all day, I worked all day, now we've got more work and parenting to do. I've never been so direct with my DH before but he says he just needs to know what I need..  so I tell him! If your DH is your only help, make sure he helps! 

 

On the bright side, I've encouraged my kids to sleep at the same time (except obviously DD takes 3 day naps, and DS only takes one). We ALL (YES, me too!) nap together around 1 pm.  I lay with DS and get him to sleep first, and then nurse-nap with DD. Pretty much the same at bedtime (which is 730 for DS & 8 for DD). We have to get up at 530 around here... but at least after 8 pm DH & I can have our time together. We usually do an hour of "stuff" cleaning, studying, or whatever, and then an hour just hanging together. This time together SERIOUSLY helps ease any tension caused by how hard parenting 2 kids is!  

 

Hmm  that's all I can think of for right now and I'm off to put DD down......... just wanting to let you know much of this I felt exactly and almost all of it is gone (though new problems arise...)! Gradual betterment kind of sucks but one day you will wake up and realize it's not QUITE as hard as it was before. 

 

*Sigh*.. I'm still hoping to meet people too...


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#28 of 30 Old 08-28-2011, 09:40 PM
 
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Oh I feel for you. I am definitely an "outside cat" and was forced to live in a 2nd floor 2 br apt for a year with a toddler and teenager. I know how cramped and trapped and just icky it is to live like that. Now we are renting a 2 br house and it is 5 people (new baby not in the siggy), But we in a not so great part of town with a tiny yard, no driveway for bikes and we have to drive a bit to go to a park.I too am a bit "lost" where I am now. It's tough not having anyone around to hang with and help raise those youngins. Can you find a 12 year old girl to come and be mommy's helper? I would give anything for a 12 year old girl! Or you could offer to do "afterschool" care at your house for a school age girl who could serve as an older playmate/model for your DD.

 

You will get the hang of things! You will. I thought I would never be able to handle two little ones (of different ages) with my extreeeemely demanding 3 yo DS and new baby. He spends more time in front of the tv now than ever, and more time alone, playing in the sandbox by himself and it is heartbreaking to watch him struggle with all the changes. He lashes out at me on a daily basis! I do try to spend every long nap just playing with him and not trying to clean the house. Some days are better than others.

 

Have you tried a wrap? That might be more comfortable for you to wear the baby longer. My new one is now 4 months and I thought I would never get her to enjoy being IN the carrier at all, but now she likes the wrap for walks and some housework. If your climate gets cooler in the fall, you will feel much better getting them out of the house. Hugs to you!


Christ Lovin' SAHM to JL 11/07, MP 5/95 and Empty Nester to BT and RM 7/89
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#29 of 30 Old 08-31-2011, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OP here. Well, it's still very rough. I wish I had better news to report, but the fact remains that it's just VERY HARD to be a SAHM to two kiddos this young. I've been doing a LOT of babywearing (as in, almost all naps) and my feet and back are killing me. I am bouncing LO on the ball, DD is napping, and DH is sleeping on the couch. It's tough to always feel like I come dead last in terms of self-care/rest/food/relaxation...

Keep posting, mamas! It helps to know I'm not alone. Maybe someday this wretched heat will break and make leaving the house a bit easier.

Oh, and I've found two things that really help-- coffee and wine. lol.gif

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#30 of 30 Old 08-31-2011, 06:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beauchamp View Post

OP here. Well, it's still very rough. I wish I had better news to report, but the fact remains that it's just VERY HARD to be a SAHM to two kiddos this young. I've been doing a LOT of babywearing (as in, almost all naps) and my feet and back are killing me. I am bouncing LO on the ball, DD is napping, and DH is sleeping on the couch. It's tough to always feel like I come dead last in terms of self-care/rest/food/relaxation...

Keep posting, mamas! It helps to know I'm not alone. Maybe someday this wretched heat will break and make leaving the house a bit easier.

Oh, and I've found two things that really help-- coffee and wine. lol.gif


 

yeahthat.gif  nod.gif  Yep. Still super hard here too. I went as far as taking a job interview, getting offered the job, and turning it down, to remind myself that I HAVE a choice. Even though I still want to jump out the window most days......

 


sleepytime.gifjog.gifSleepy, running, wife to superhero.gif DH 08/09 -  Mama to jog.gif DS 8/08 & love.gif DD 1/11

"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. " - Japanese Proverb

 

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