How to feel appreciated? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-24-2011, 09:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been a SAHM for 7 years. I have three kids.

 

I feel really really really really really really really really really unappreciated.

 

Any tips on feeling like what I do is valued? appreciated? that I am needed? wanted? Anyone?

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#2 of 8 Old 08-24-2011, 09:49 AM
 
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I know this is really lame advice but it's what works for me. What's really important is not that other people appreciate what you do, but that you believe your work has value. So, just concentrate your efforts on things that you value and leave the dishes for another time. Do some gardening, writing, sewing, painting, knitting, whatever strikes your fancy, but do something creative so you feel like you are contributing to the world and producing something of value. Short projects are best because they give you a more immediate sense of relief. 

 

Also, don't forget to tell your partner how you feel. Most husbands/partners really value you but don't know how to verbalize it. My DH is like this but if I say "I feel so worthless today," he might come up with a gem like, "nobody could pay you enough for the quality of care you provide for us." Admittedly, this has only happened a couple times but it's worth a shot! 

 

Or you could go on strike. I knew someone who did this once. Their husband had one chore (ah, those were the days, this was back in the 70's), to take out the garbage. He stopped doing it one day and said something stupid like, "why don't you do it, you're home all day!" So she went on strike. She stopped doing his laundry, stopped cleaning up after him, stopped bringing in the mail and paying the bills, only made enough food for herself and the kids to eat. It lasted a week, she said the unpaid bills in the mailbox really did him in. I'm pretty sure he didn't say anything like that ever again.


Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#3 of 8 Old 08-31-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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I'm feeling the same way lately. I have no advise, just wanted you to know you're not alone.  I've been a SAHM for 8 years and have 4 kids. I wonder if the 7-8th year is a magical number were mom's start to feel this way. I know quite a few other mom's who have hit the same wall at the 7th or 8th year of staying home.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by momtoS View Post

I have been a SAHM for 7 years. I have three kids.

 

I feel really really really really really really really really really unappreciated.

 

Any tips on feeling like what I do is valued? appreciated? that I am needed? wanted? Anyone?



 

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#4 of 8 Old 09-01-2011, 09:21 AM
 
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I remember an old comic strip (the Family Circus, I think it was called) where the dad came home from work and the wife was sitting w/her feet up reading or something.  All around her were dirty kids, dirty dishes, dirty laundry, trash, just everything piled up and not done.  The husband asked, very alarmed,  "Hon, what's wrong?" and she said, "Nothing Dear, I just wanted to show you what I do all day."

 

I second that you should let your dh in on how you are feeling.  Then he should talk to the kids (TELL him to) and make sure they know how you are feeling.  Usually when I feel this way it's because I haven't made my needs/feelings known.  My dh and kids perk right up and help more and make sure I get some me time.  I am in a houseful of Aspies, so maybe they are just more dense in this respect than most? 


Happy Homesteading Homeschooling Homebirthing Beekeeping Dready (& a bit redneck even) Mama to 4 fab kids :  dd (23), dd (13), ds (11), dd (5)

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#5 of 8 Old 09-01-2011, 01:47 PM
 
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I agree about the 7th -8th year. For me, both kids are now FT school age. However we do a mix of hsing and classes. I know my dh values our kids not having to go to public school, the chores I do around the house and general taking care of our family. But I do feel like I battle a constant demon of BE IT ALL. When dc were little there was no question that I DO have a JOB, daycare would NEVER be an option that we would choose etc. But now that they are school age, there seems to be this general pressure to get a job. But in reality, even if they went to school, I can't imagine a job which would ONLY be schools hrs that pays worthwhile. PLUS, all the daily chores would still need to be done. I can;t imagine my dh taking on half of all that after work or on the weekends. 

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#6 of 8 Old 09-01-2011, 03:09 PM
 
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There's a book called Love and Respect. I haven't read it, but my pastor has and brought a lesson that was loosely based on it.

 

Basically there's a cycle: you give respect to him (verbally, physically, etc) --> it encourages him to show you love (verbally, physically, etc) --> you want to show him more respect --> he wants to show you more love. And the cycle continues.

 

There is an opposite cycle as well: you don't give him respect (verbally, physically, etc) --> because he doesn't feel respected, he doesn't show love --> you don't respect him even more --> he still doesn't show you love. 

 

I'm not saying that you don't show him respect, but maybe you don't show it to him in ways he understands or feels is "showing respect".

 

Maybe it goes back to the love languages book. What is your love language? What is his? Quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch? What is/are the one or two things that can be done that really show that someone loves you? And what are they for him? Are you two making sure you are doing those things for each other? Sometimes it's not natural to do the things that show our partners we love them and we have to work at it. But if we don't know what they are, then it's not our fault we aren't doing it right. That's where that communication thing comes in....lol.

 

~~~~~

 

I am obvious about things. I ask questions, "do you see what I do for you?" - "do you see how much I love you?" I need confirmation that he sees what I'm doing as loving him and respecting him. And by asking these questions - in a joking way, most of the time - it clues him in that he needs to voice his appreciation right about now. lol  I also make sure I tell him how much I appreciate what he does for our family. In turn, I feel appreciated. I feel loved/needed/wanted/etc. It really does work. 


Homeschooling Ama to boys (ages 10 and 6) and my SoldierGirl who is serving in the US Army, StepMom to three crazy teens. I'm married to the love of my life. 

 

Love is an action word. 

Words have power...use them wisely.

Who you are is just enough.

Molon Labe

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#7 of 8 Old 09-01-2011, 04:48 PM
 
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No offense but the post above sounds a lot like a less extreme way of agreeing with the "created to be his help-meet" idea. It sounds like, well, a woman doesn't deserve love if she doesn't show her man respect. It's honestly revolting to me. 

 

You deserve to feel appreciated because you are human and that means you're worth something. Appreciate yourself, do productive things for yourself that you enjoy. I wish you'd come back and give us an update, by the way. 


Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#8 of 8 Old 09-01-2011, 07:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by holothuroidea View Post

No offense but the post above sounds a lot like a less extreme way of agreeing with the "created to be his help-meet" idea. It sounds like, well, a woman doesn't deserve love if she doesn't show her man respect. It's honestly revolting to me. 

 

You deserve to feel appreciated because you are human and that means you're worth something. Appreciate yourself, do productive things for yourself that you enjoy. I wish you'd come back and give us an update, by the way. 


It's not about what we deserve at all. It is about how we - as men and women - get into positive or negative cycles in our relationships. It's about how we are respecting and loving each other - and sometimes we need to be shown what that looks like to the other person for us to understand how we are doing it right or wrong. It's not about being "his help-meet", it's about making sure we are understanding how best to appreciate each other so that we all get what we need. Sometimes that looks like doing things for ourselves - as you suggested. Sometimes it means looking at how we are treating our partner and making sure they are seeing what we want them to see - and maybe making changes together so that we each get what we need from the other. 

 

Yes, we all deserve to feel loved and needed and appreciated and worthy and and and. But sometimes we need some confirmation and validation from those around us. And sometimes we need to check ourselves and make sure we are helping those around us in that way, too. 


Homeschooling Ama to boys (ages 10 and 6) and my SoldierGirl who is serving in the US Army, StepMom to three crazy teens. I'm married to the love of my life. 

 

Love is an action word. 

Words have power...use them wisely.

Who you are is just enough.

Molon Labe

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