what happened to all my friends!!?! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 10:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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first off, my name is Anna and im 22. i am a navy wife and have a 7 month old daughter.

 

before i was married and had a baby i had a great group of friends that i spent a lot of time with. i loved them and would do anything for them. then once i got married it seemed like all my friends disappeared! i tried contacting them but it almost seemed like they didnt want anything to do with me and we have nothing in common. i only have a couple friends now (one is single and the other is married with two kids and one on the way) that i only see every few months. so basically now i only have my family as friends and of course my husband who is my best friend. but being that he's in the navy, i dont see him much. i tried making new "mommy" friends but there's always drama and competition. and i dont know how to drive so its hard to go to mommy groups. i want to learn in the next few months but its been hard with my husbands schedule. sometimes, even though i am with my daughter 24/7 i feel SO alone. 

 

has anyone else experienced this?

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#2 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 10:45 AM
 
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Hi Anna!

Unfortunately what you are going through is not really uncommon.  I found it challenging when I had my first at 20 to keep in touch with single, childless friends.

Do you and your dh have any couples that you are friends with?  Can you attend LLL or something similar?  A church?

Something I found was that it took a long time before my new mom friends became more than aquaintances, but it did happen.

 


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#3 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 10:50 AM
 
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Hi Anna --

I certainly can relate to your situation. Before DS was born, I worked full-time and spent the day surrounded not only by work friends, but "in real life" friends that I could connect to over email or on the phone. A lot of my friendships seemed to cool off after DS was born. Much of the time it does feel like we're just in different worlds. Other times, when I get 30 minutes to myself, I'm pretty tired and the last thing I feel like doing is hopping on the phone or computer to talk (I just want to veg until it's time to return to the constant motion world of a toddler, you know?)

 

I tried attending a few different mothers groups, but I found them kind of intimidating. Eventually, the loneliness eased up. This might have been the result of me adjusting to the situation, or DS getting older and more interactive/talkative. I find it a lot easier now that my son can joke around and babble, and he's so ENERGETIC that just trying to keep up with him and play and care for him makes the day fly by. We volunteer on Mondays and go to the library for toddler time on Tuesdays and Fridays, and -- honestly -- some weeks it feels like a LOT of social time, just from those three events. We've met two nice mom-child pairs from the library and occasionally have playdates with them, and I really prefer our semi-structured weeks. It's a great balance for us. I think you will find that as your daughter gets older, you will be chasing after her and going outside to explore the world with her. You'll probably meet a few new friends along the way and strike up friendships with them, too. And I've found that my old friends are still friends, just in a different capacity. Maybe the same thing will happen for you, too :)

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#4 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 11:10 AM
 
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See if you can find a new mom's support group, or a baby story time at a library, or something like that. That might help. I didn't have kids until I was in my 30s, so most people I knew had kids, but when I started SAHM I didn't know other SAHMs and that was hard. It was a really hard time. Between a new mom's support group and LLL, I made new friends and started feeling much better. Oh yeah, LLL too! Get to know some new moms is what I'm getting at here. smile.gif
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#5 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 11:11 AM
 
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Also, it sounds like you're the first in your circle to have a baby, but my guess is that your friends will start joining you in Momville over the next few years and they'll come back into your life.
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#6 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i will definitely try to look up groups and such. the other tricky thing is my dh is getting out of the navy in less than a year and we will most likely be moving so that he's closer to jobs. any of the friends id make here id most likely be leaving pretty soon. that kinda sucks :( but i am looking forward to my dd getting older so that we can have conversations. my niece is 22 months and i absolutely adore her...she's so interactive. when i did have more friends they were between the ages of 20 and 40 so some of them did have kids but their kids were older and they didnt really "approve" of me having a baby so young..guess they werent as great of friends as i thought. but i am looking forward to meeting new people eventually.

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#7 of 9 Old 09-26-2011, 04:35 PM
 
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I feel you, sort of- I never really had friends that good, but I could really use some now and I am having a lot of trouble making/finding them. We are an army family, so I probably see more of my hubby than you do but still. First thing I would tell you: learn to drive! I had to take the bus for a while, and a) it was really obnoxious out here, with a baby, even when babywearing and b) it really added up, at $2 each way. I don't suppose you're st the navy station near me- we are at fort lewis. LLL was a great way for me at my last station but out here the time of the meeting is odd and I haven't made it yet. also, you can try meetup.com; I have seen several AP groups on there

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#8 of 9 Old 09-27-2011, 08:27 AM
 
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i definitely get where you are coming from. i'm also a navy wife and have been in a similar situation. pp's are right though that it is getting better as my dd gets older. also i've found it's easier to meet other moms now that dd is old enough (14months) to play with other kids. there isn't as much awkwardness as just walking up to another mom on the playground, now dd runs up and plays with a kid and then i strike up conversation with the mom. i've definitely felt distance between my friends and i since having a kid. my very close friends from before are really just friendly aquaintences now, just because we don't have anything in common anymore. but i'm starting to meet some new friends finally, though it has taken 14 months. something that helps me, since i am naturally very shy, is for my husband to invite his friends from work over with their significant others. that way our house has new people coming into it for me to meet without as much pressure and having to leave the house. since we started having cookouts i have made several friends who are wives or girlfriends of the guys he works with. also, i know for the base where we live but i would assume for other bases, there is a facebook group for spouses on base. it's a way to find out events going on, and meet people. i remember how lonely i was the first 9 months or so, but it really does get better and you really will find new friends. hang in there mama.


betsy:  wife to tony, mama to haven (7/6/10), arlo (m/c 1/21/12), and expecting valencia in late december.

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#9 of 9 Old 09-29-2011, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. ive decided to work harder at spending more time with the friends that i already have. one of my friends came over a few days ago and we decided that we would get together once a week. im also trying to make plans with another one of my friends. ive decided that i dont really want to make new friends now (because of our situation)  but when we end up where my dh gets his job then i'll start looking. i really need to cherish the friends that i already have because i dont know how much longer i will be able to see them. i do feel much better now. thank you for all your support :)

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