How to forgive DH (VENT) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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He sounds like an asshole with a drinking problem honestly 

 

First of all going out all the time like that is not acceptable when you are sitting home with a small baby. And if my DH was punching holes in walls, being verbally abusive and staying out until 3am he'd be on his bum. I don't even have any advice but that sucks and I hope you can work things out -- is there anyones house you can stay at? I would go to my moms (if this was me) for awhile until he was able to change his act. 

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#3 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 10:35 AM
 
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Oh dear. I am SO sorry that you're going through this.  I could have written this myself, or something similar, about 11 years ago.

 

I need to say it, and I am not sure you want to hear it....he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. He hasn't stopped the abusive behaviour yet. Forgiveness isn't the next step - getting help is, whether that help is having someone come help move his things out, a trip to Al-anon, or reaching out to a friend or family member to get you through this. Your dh would NOT do anything for you and your daughter. If this was true, he would have taken you seriously when you said that you were going to leave him.  He is ignoring your basic needs as his wife and as his friend. When he chose to get behind the wheel of  your car while drunk, he not only endangered his life, but he endangered the lives of every person on the road.

 

This is abusive behaviour, mama. He has lost control. He is raging at you. He is ignoring you and his family responsibilities. Now he is being criminal. This goes beyond a night or two out with the boys and being irresponsibly drunk. Please see that.  Something has to give, and you can't keep forgiving (or trying to forgive) this.

 

Please ask someone for help. It doesn't sound like you can do this alone. He isn't listening, and believe me when I say that it's likely only a matter of time until something else happens.  My heart is breaking for you right now. I know you don't know me, but please PM me if  you need to talk...I have been here before. 


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#4 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post

Oh dear. I am SO sorry that you're going through this.  I could have written this myself, or something similar, about 11 years ago.

 

I need to say it, and I am not sure you want to hear it....he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. He hasn't stopped the abusive behaviour yet. Forgiveness isn't the next step - getting help is, whether that help is having someone come help move his things out, a trip to Al-anon, or reaching out to a friend or family member to get you through this. Your dh would NOT do anything for you and your daughter. If this was true, he would have taken you seriously when you said that you were going to leave him.  He is ignoring your basic needs as his wife and as his friend. When he chose to get behind the wheel of  your car while drunk, he not only endangered his life, but he endangered the lives of every person on the road.

 

This is abusive behaviour, mama. He has lost control. He is raging at you. He is ignoring you and his family responsibilities. Now he is being criminal. This goes beyond a night or two out with the boys and being irresponsibly drunk. Please see that.  Something has to give, and you can't keep forgiving (or trying to forgive) this.

 

Please ask someone for help. It doesn't sound like you can do this alone. He isn't listening, and believe me when I say that it's likely only a matter of time until something else happens.  My heart is breaking for you right now. I know you don't know me, but please PM me if  you need to talk...I have been here before. 




The thing is he isn't normally like this. The man i knew (before the birth of our daughter) would live an incredibly healthy lifestyle --he was actually a health FREAK up until 4 months ago. He would only eat 100% organically grown foods (now all he wants to eat is junk; pizza, etc.), wouldn't smoke, and he would DESPISE anyone who drank.He would call me an alcoholic if i so even THOUGHT about having a glass of wine. what a hypocrite.

 

The problem is there isn't anywhere for me to go really. My mother said i can move back in with her .. but she is an alcoholic herself. My brother also lives with her who is a heroin addict. Not the kind of environment i would ever consider raising my little girl in. And sadly i do not have any friends i can stay with.

 

I want to forgive him, only because he sounds so sincere when he says he isn't going to do it anymore. I know the real him, and he isn't at all like this. I feel like i stressed him out really bad after the birth of DD as i suffered from postpartum depression, causing him to drink and what not. I sometimes feel like its my own fault. Besides, he forgave me when i had an alcohol problem and cheated on him. So shouldn't i be more understanding?

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#5 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 02:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#6 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 03:35 PM
 
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I am in no position to judge whether your husband is having an affair, but I do know that I wouldn't be ok with my own husband sending pictures of himself to an unknown woman for any reason.  I understand that  your husband may have been the best mate in the world, but that does not negate how he is treating you NOW. I am saddened that you are taking any of this on yourself, as nothing he is doing is normal behaviour, nor is any of it your fault, no matter HOW you've been for the past four months.

 

So you feel stuck? Is that the thing? Or do think he's going to go back to being the doting  mate he was before you had your child?


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#7 of 11 Old 11-26-2011, 03:50 PM
 
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That's a load of poo. Large and stinky.

 

OK, so you say he was a health freak until 4 months ago and always hated anyone who drank at all, but then you say this is his second DUI, the first being 4.5 years ago. Something's not adding up here. It sounds like you're in the habit of making excuses and allowances for him, which makes me really wonder how far back this unhealthy dynamic and his poor treatment of you goes. I'm thinking it's not just a recent thing.

 

Mama, you need to stand up for yourself and your child. Your baby deserves a better father, someone who is going to make his family a priority. Right now, your husband is *not* doing that. And quite frankly, the more you type, the more it sounds like this has been going on for quite a while. You need to call a domestic violence shelter and get your situation evaluated by someone with some training in this. You need to make some back-up plans for keeping yourself and your child safe, housed, and fed. If he gets another DUI, is there a three-strikes policy where you are? What will you do if your DH lands his ass in jail? If he totals the one vehicle you have? If he is no longer able to bring home an income? Are you employable right now? Do you have a financial cushion and access to your own transportation? If he keeps losing his shit and breaking things, at what age is it no longer acceptable for your child to be exposed to that? What happens if he goes after you instead? Do you give him another ultimatum and then back down and let him get away with it?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but this kind of situation really calls for some blunt, realistic evaluation. Pretend a friend came to you with this information. Would you feel that she was safe and able to protect and provide for her child the way things stand right now?

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#8 of 11 Old 11-27-2011, 10:11 AM
 
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It sounds to me like he has completely flipped his lid about the responsibility of a baby. He is behaving very badly, but obviously it didn't come from out of nowhere. And if he has had a DUi in the past, then it might be a pattern of his to get really self destructive when he is stressed out. 

 

He needs to sort it. Fast.

 

And there is no excuse for his behavior, let me make that clear. But it's good to know that he has triggers for behaviors and if he can get counseling, he has a chance of learning how to handle big stress events without blasting a hole the size of Montana in your shared life. 


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#9 of 11 Old 11-27-2011, 08:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks guys for all your advice. luckily i spoke to my aunt and she said its fine DD and i stay with her for however long it takes to get back on my feet. i'm so blessed to have someone like her in my life! and sooo excited to start my new life without the b/s!

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#10 of 11 Old 11-28-2011, 02:43 AM
 
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I cannot see your first post.... so only sense what's going on from the other comments.

I just had a thought - could he be having a form of post partum depression - it is not unheard of for new fathers to get it.

Hugs for you and please DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for any of HIS behaviour xxx 

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#11 of 11 Old 11-28-2011, 11:22 AM
 
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Muschi, I am SO glad you're leaving - even if it's temporarily. I hope your DH gets the insight he needs. I have been thinking about you and your DD often these past couple of days.  Please keep us updated.  Good luck, and stay strong.


Certified Crazy™ Wife to my Spiderman husband luxlove.gif(Aug '01)

 

Super proud Momma  to DD (Jan'00), DD (Apr '02) and DS (Jun '04)

Always loving and missing our Baby James angel.gif born sleeping at 19 weeks (July '03).

 

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