Exhausted Mother has a confession to make - Mothering Forums
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Stay at Home Parents > Exhausted Mother has a confession to make
maba's Avatar maba 09:46 PM 12-17-2011

I'm a SAHM to a 15 mo toddler. DH works long hours and spends very little time with DS even when he is at home, so DS is really attached to me. He never lets me out of sight. I can't even go to the bathroom alone, he follows me everywhere. Most days I'm so tired by the time he goes to sleep in the night and off-late, he's been nursing 4-5 times in the night. If I try to wake up before he does in the mornings, he wakes up with me! When I'm in the kitchen, he's constantly tugging my legs and if I carry him, he pulls everything he can reach. Most days I'm ok but some days, I lose my temper and raise my voice slightly at him, knowing fully well that he is not doing anything intentionally. Today, I had eaten very little all day and at about 8:15 in the night, went to fix dinner for myself and he started fussing and pulling my pants. I didn't want to carry him as he'd be near a very hot pan. But the tugging went on and I completely lost my temper and yelled at him really loud and made him sit in the high chair with some clementines just to keep him occupied but he didn't want to sit. So finally I had dinner with him on my hips and I started crying really bad after that from exhaustion and hunger. After a few minutes, we were playing on the couch and he fell down on the floor and hit his head on the base of the table and started crying. For a brief moment, I was happy. I CAN'T BELIEVE I was happy he fell down. I nursed him and he calmed down immediately. But I cried so hard, for about 5 minutes about how I felt earlier. I feel like I need therapy!

 

Any suggestions to make sure I don't feel burned out? Asking DH to take care of him for more than 15 minutes everyday and 1 hour once in a while is not on option.

 

ETA: DH keeps insisting that I send him to a daycare for 2 days a week to take the load off of me and for him to get used to other people. But personally, I'm not interested in sending him to a daycare at least at this point in time. He keeps saying I'm spoiling him by being there for him all the time.



fairytalemomma's Avatar fairytalemomma 12:06 PM 12-18-2011

I don't have much to add but since no one has responded yet I thought I would let you know that I have had similar feelings before as well, so you are not alone, I think it's normal when a person is at there breaking limit. hugs hug2.gif Obviously you need a break but I think figuring out how to do that is something only you can do since you know the situation. Maybe you can do daycare once a week for only a couple hours since you don't want to do it for 2 days a week?


momof3tobe's Avatar momof3tobe 08:12 PM 12-18-2011

How do you feel about church? I'm not super religious but I love taking my kids to church. They have a daycare room with loving volunteers that play with the kids while I go listen to the serman and have quiet time to myself. They also have a mother's day out program one morning a week from 9:30 till 11 where I drop the kids off and they get to play with other kids and do activities and I can go grocery shopping all by myself. It's such a friendly and supportive environment and it's free! It's all fun time for the kids- at this age they don't really have bible lessons, they are just taught to be kind and loving to one another and that's always a good thing for kids to learn even if you're not Christian.


ChiaraRose's Avatar ChiaraRose 09:39 PM 12-18-2011

It will get better!! It will. I remember similar things happening when ds was small. Do you have friends with toddlers? I was very lucky to have met other mothers in my prenatal yoga class and even though I moved we are still close. We just met at each others houses, made some food, talked and let the kids crawl around. It helped so much because there were extra sets of eyes and ears. And one got mama time, too. I was always out with ds and dd. Change of scenery, differnt people so I didn't become claustrophobic. It is hard to be there 24/7, especially with little help. i never had family nearby and dh works long hours, too.

And I also established that I have basic needs as in toilet and food and even though my lo could come with me, I won't nurse anyone while I am peeing or one has to sit at my feet and play with a bowl while I am fixing food.

Hang in there, he will change fast!


Natalie12's Avatar Natalie12 11:00 AM 12-20-2011

I felt that way when my son was that age too. If you can join a mom's club or make some friends with other kids, that may help. Hopefully the kids can play while you get at least a little bit of a break.

 

Also.....food and rest are mandatory for the adult. It's not unreasonable to expect that you should be able to eat and rest too. Is a babysitter an option for you? Does your soon nap during the day so that you can get some down time? If he does, I would make sure to take it.


Happily Blessed's Avatar Happily Blessed 06:06 PM 12-20-2011

Ugh, so been there.  Now throw in working 8 hours, and frustrations and you got yourself a combo.  Then when DS turned 3 I was taking care of him and my terminally ill Mother (without working) just being a stay at home Mom/caregiver.  Now fast forward 2 years and there are days when I don't remember the behaviors when he was so much younger. 

 

So 1)  It will get better - it will change.  They grow and are not so clingy. 

 

2)  check into a preschool/co-op/Mother's Day out program or something for yourself.  There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself.  Trade some time with another Mother, take her kids for two hours and then have her do the same for you.  Check to see if there is a MOPS around.  I am saying MOPS because that is the only Mother's organization I know of.  You are not abandoning your babe by doing this.  He will still be very attached to you. 

 

3)  Know that your reactions are not uncommon.  Talking with someone helps - so pick a trusted person - counselor, a girlfriend, Pastor's Wife, whoever you need. 

 

Hang in there. 


maptome's Avatar maptome 06:59 AM 12-21-2011

Have you tried wearing him on your back while you do chores?  It may not give you much of a break physically, but mentally and emotionally, you wouldn't have to deal with him pulling and grabbing for you. If he tolerates that sort of thing....


Snapdragon's Avatar Snapdragon 06:01 PM 12-24-2011

Sometimes I use food to occupy ds when I need a second to eat or something- something like mild cookies or crackers or "mum mums" or any type of snacky thing can keep them occupied sometimes for a minute. Sorry your dh doesn't help more. Can you afford someone like a mother's helper to come in once and a while and help occupy ds while you are there?


OrangeMoon's Avatar OrangeMoon 07:13 PM 12-24-2011

Sorry Mama! You are not alone and I remember feeling the same way at times with DS. I remember thinking how do people do it with more than one, but just having one is equally as hard in ways because you have to be all the entertainment. Things that help me is wrapping the baby or toddler on my back so they can be held, and I can still cook and I feel more freedom because I'm hands free. Also, I was really against tv when ds was little but if I really felt like I needed a break, it's a great tool (and can be educational). This too shall pass, my now almost 3 year old ds sometimes doesn't want anything to do with me, lol. Good luck!


AugustLia23's Avatar AugustLia23 04:53 AM 12-25-2011

I think even if you are opposed to nursery school or daycare, you should strongly consider getting to know a babysitter you can trust, or a mothers helper. Even a fellow mom friend who you could do a trade with, it really does take a village, and it will only benefit him to realize that other people can meet his basic needs besides just you, esp. if his father works so much.

 

I believe that we pay too much attention to our children in the wrong way in this society. They are our focus, while they should be more an addition to our normal lives. I'm not saying you should ignore your lo, simply that it's time for him to start to get the idea that he can and should try to entertain himself for short periods of time. 

 

Also, like a pp said, it will get better. My youngest is over 4, and I can hardly get him to pay attention to me when he's engrossed in a game or toy. 


maba's Avatar maba 05:18 PM 12-25-2011

Wow, THANK YOU ALL so much! I usually receive notification when my thread has a comment but I didn't this time. Surprised to see so many replies and kind words. I'm looking at hiring a babysitter who can spend an hour or so with him while I do my chores and he too can used to someone other than me. I used to wear him on my back when he was younger, but now he doesn't want to. 

 

I was against TV too, he still doesn't watch it. But off late, I've been making him sit on my lap and watch some children's songs on youTube.

 

Our gym has a childcare facility where they watch kids for upto 1.5 hours while the parents workout. I thought I'd use this mainly to have a shower more than working out. But the one time I left him for a few minutes, he was sobbing so bad that I just brought him home. I want him to get used to others and this gym daycare facility but how can I do it without making him feel too traumatized? Any suggestions?


Alenushka's Avatar Alenushka 05:33 PM 12-25-2011

I do not understand why it is not an option to have your DH parent your child for more than an hour. He is his parent too.

What about night weaning?  IF you sleep more you will have more patience.

 

My kids watched some TV at this age. Guess what? They grew up to be gifted, meditation, kind, cooking, taking care of animals and people teens.  Everything in moderation. I am sorry, but there is no difference between youtube and TV.

 

You felt happy he got hurt because you are exausted. When you do not take care of others if you do not take care of yourself.

2 day a week preshool or time with a nanny is an excellent idea.

 

Yes, your child will be crying at first but it normal. IF preshool or nanny becomes part of his routine, he will stop. Gym day cares are different because caregivers change and it is not part of his routine.

 

You should not do it all by yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others.


Jennifer Z's Avatar Jennifer Z 06:52 PM 12-25-2011


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

I do not understand why it is not an option to have your DH parent your child for more than an hour. He is his parent too.

What about night weaning?  IF you sleep more you will have more patience.

 

My kids watched some TV at this age. Guess what? They grew up to be gifted, meditation, kind, cooking, taking care of animals and people teens.  Everything in moderation. I am sorry, but there is no difference between youtube and TV.

 

You felt happy he got hurt because you are exausted. When you do not take care of others if you do not take care of yourself.

2 day a week preshool or time with a nanny is an excellent idea.

 

Yes, your child will be crying at first but it normal. IF preshool or nanny becomes part of his routine, he will stop. Gym day cares are different because caregivers change and it is not part of his routine.

 

You should not do it all by yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others.


Seriously, he needs to step up and give you a break once in a while.  He is a parent.  He will learn to parent the same way you did, trial by fire.  When he is home, inform him that you will be going out to do the shopping/have a cup of coffee, whatever, and do it.  Don't let him play helpless because if he is capable of holding down a job, he is capable of figuring out how to parent a toddler.

 

You should not be doing this all on your own.  There is no way that he works too many hours that he can't give you and hour or two a week.  Any claims to the contrary are completely ridiculous.

 

Take care of your child's mom.  Give yourself a break, whether it is some videos, daycare, babysitter, in addition to requiring the other person who made the child to step up and take care of them for at least a fraction of their week.

 


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 07:01 PM 12-25-2011

I was married to a man who blatantly refused to be left alone with his children. I tried. He would call and demand I come home the few times I tried. I eventually left him....I used preteens to come in and play with him around that age so I could just be alone. I dreamed of going to a hotel for 3 days and laying in the dark- ALONE.

My kids still drive me bonkers and to be honest I wish I had not had them SOOOO attached to me during their early years because they are so dependent on me now.

Turn on the tv and take a break.   Hire someone to come into the home and go out. You have to take care of yourself first. Or you will end up like I did resenting my kids and that is not a good place to be in.


HHThankYous's Avatar HHThankYous 07:32 PM 12-25-2011

 

Even if DH works full time, he should take equal part in childcare when he is home. Right now my dh works full time and I am temporarily not working. I do 99% of household management, but we split childcare 50/50 whenever we are both home, and we BOTH get weekly opportunities for time away. Why?! Because parenting is not a chore- it is just life. I just can't even fathom how your dh manages to only spend 15 minutes a day caring for his kid. 

 

Please, I know it is hard to hear people say things that can be perceived as negative about your dh. But you really need to realize that most men take a far more active role in parenting than what it sounds like your dh is doing.

 
 
OOPS- forgot to log out!!!

maba's Avatar maba 09:07 PM 12-25-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

I do not understand why it is not an option to have your DH parent your child for more than an hour. He is his parent too.

 


I was in a well-paying job before DS was born but I chose to stay at home with him after he was born. Every time I ask DH to parent DS - sometimes to give me a break, but most of the times for DS to bond with him - he says I chose to stay home so I should be doing all of the child care, he says he would participate if I was working too. In his mind, he thinks since I "stay home ALL day" (his words), it's unfair to ask him to participate in parenting. I've had many arguments with him over this and I think it's just a waste of my energy since he's not going to change and asking him to do something just makes him that much more stubborn to comply. When he does, he does it so begrudgingly that I hate to ask him anymore.

 

How can I make it easy on DS to get used to babysitter while I'm away?

 

 


Silly Willies's Avatar Silly Willies 09:15 PM 12-25-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by maba View Post


I was in a well-paying job before DS was born but I chose to stay at home with him after he was born. Every time I ask DH to parent DS - sometimes to give me a break, but most of the times for DS to bond with him - he says I chose to stay home so I should be doing all of the child care, he says he would participate if I was working too. In his mind, he thinks since I "stay home ALL day" (his words), it's unfair to ask him to participate in parenting. I've had many arguments with him over this and I think it's just a waste of my energy since he's not going to change and asking him to do something just makes him that much more stubborn to comply. When he does, he does it so begrudgingly that I hate to ask him anymore.

 

How can I make it easy on DS to get used to babysitter while I'm away?

 

 


You should go get a job..............then a divorce.  He isn't going to change.  

 

You cannot magically make it easier on another care provider.  They have to work out the relationship between them.  If it is a babysitter you can set the rules but you must remember your child will have a different relationship and will react differently to that care providers.  What may work for you won't work for them.  There maybe a few tears but the caretaker will be able to work through them and by responding to them (if that is what the child wants) will help develop a relationship between the two.  

 

 

 


stik's Avatar stik 09:58 PM 12-25-2011

Wait, you made a decision he doesn't like, so your dh is punishing you by distancing himself from his son?  That's not a healthy dynamic.  Your dh needs to think about his relationship with his son.  Children should never be used in their parents' conflicts that way.  

 

I'm not going to go to the extreme and suggest dumping your dh right now, but it sounds to me like you need family counselling to help create a healthier dynamic for your ds. If your dh is going to insist on refusing to bond with your ds, you really are better off without him.  Your son would spend time in day care, but he wouldn't be subjected to systematic neglect by one parent as part of your dh's efforts to manipulate you.  

 

This is another good reason to get some help - you need to build support structures for yourself and your son.  You need time to think things through.  Be aware, fifteen month-olds hate transitions.  It doesn't matter if they've been in day care all their little lives.  They will kick up a fuss.  It's a stage.  It doesn't mean it's bad to leave them.  Other people will meet their needs.  They will be fine.  


coffeegirl's Avatar coffeegirl 10:16 PM 12-25-2011

Mama, please read this thread:http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1339957/playpens and consider it as a suggestion. It's worked wonders for me, seriously. I have a 16 month old. hug2.gif


Jennifer Z's Avatar Jennifer Z 09:21 AM 12-26-2011

You work all day too.  It is not less work because it is unpaid.  He has a responsibility to do 50% of the childcare when he is at home, especially when the kids are toddlers, and at that intense energy-draining stage.   

 

I agree with some PPs.  If he is being that way about it, then I would get a job again and divorce him.  His controlling attitude and general lazyness is only going to get worse as time goes on.   No way would I put up with that sort of attitude.  At least you know now when you aren't too far out from gainful employment because it only gets worse the longer you wait.  I don't think there is anything worse than being a single parent while theoretically married, especially when you are married to the child's father.  At least if you were divorced you would have more control over your own life without his parental deadweight.

 

There is more than one way to be a deadbeat parent.  Being a financial deadbeat parent has immediate consequences, being an emotional deadbeat parent has lifelong consequences.  I don't know how he is doing financially, but he is clearly and emotional deadbeat dad as it stands. 


homemademomma 09:27 AM 12-26-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by maba View Post


I was in a well-paying job before DS was born but I chose to stay at home with him after he was born. Every time I ask DH to parent DS - sometimes to give me a break, but most of the times for DS to bond with him - he says I chose to stay home so I should be doing all of the child care, he says he would participate if I was working too. In his mind, he thinks since I "stay home ALL day" (his words), it's unfair to ask him to participate in parenting. I've had many arguments with him over this and I think it's just a waste of my energy since he's not going to change and asking him to do something just makes him that much more stubborn to comply. When he does, he does it so begrudgingly that I hate to ask him anymore.

 

How can I make it easy on DS to get used to babysitter while I'm away?

 

 


Wow. So does your dh not like his kid? Does he ignore him when he is home? In this situation, I wouldn't want my dh to watch my child either.  But you can't be content with that. It is important for you to realize that this is an extremely unhealthy dynamic, one that will only get worse as your child gets older. If my husband did not like my child or acted like being a parent was such a huge chore, there is no way I would continue to live with him. 

 

Is going back to work an option for you? Even part time? I have no real suggestions on how to make it easier on your son to go with a sitter. Usually I would recommend leaving baby with dad on a regular basis to get him used to separating with you, but apparently that is not an option here. Can you try the gym thing again, and just go for 5 minutes the first day, 10 the second, etc etc? 


Marsupialmom's Avatar Marsupialmom 09:46 AM 12-26-2011

What do you think will happen if you went to the gym and left your child alone with dad?
 

Will dad feed it?

Beat it?  

Ignore it?

Not change the diaper?  

 

What exactly do you think he would or would not do?   What about the situation and your partner do you not trust? 

 

 


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 11:42 AM 12-26-2011

For me I hated it when people on here just said to leave my kids with xh. They did not understand.

Here are a few things that really happened when I left ds with dh alone

 

1. He fell asleep( xh)

2. When I came out of shower ds was screaming in a bouncy seat and xh was masturbating

3. He laid him on a towel till I got home to change his diaper- he refused to change diapers. He made my 2 year old lay on a towel until I came home because he said poop grossed him out.

4. One night I got a babysitter to go to a christmas dinner with a group of mom friends. Xh came home from work sent sitter home then called demanding me to leave and come home. I had to take my food to go.  No one understood the way we were treated.

I feel for you mama... you can't make someone be a parent and you can't force your h to take care of your child.

I cried, pleaded, begged, went to therapy, threatened to leave, spoke calmly , wrote letters, all to no avail.

 

 


homemademomma 12:45 PM 12-26-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

For me I hated it when people on here just said to leave my kids with xh. They did not understand.

Here are a few things that really happened when I left ds with dh alone

 

1. He fell asleep( xh)

2. When I came out of shower ds was screaming in a bouncy seat and xh was masturbating

3. He laid him on a towel till I got home to change his diaper- he refused to change diapers. He made my 2 year old lay on a towel until I came home because he said poop grossed him out.

4. One night I got a babysitter to go to a christmas dinner with a group of mom friends. Xh came home from work sent sitter home then called demanding me to leave and come home. I had to take my food to go.  No one understood the way we were treated.

I feel for you mama... you can't make someone be a parent and you can't force your h to take care of your child.

I cried, pleaded, begged, went to therapy, threatened to leave, spoke calmly , wrote letters, all to no avail.

 

 


I quoted your post because I think it is important that people realize that sometimes it really is not a good option to leave a baby with their father. If i were the OP, I would NOT want to leave my baby with his dad because it is obvious he does not care for him at all. Hopefully he isn't as much of an SOB as your exh, Emilie2, but he still wouldn't be someone I would want my kid around. 

 


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 01:01 PM 12-26-2011

Yes- thats why I posted it.  For mothers whose husbands help it is hard to fathom the dynamics of a relationship where there is no support or help.

I hope this mama finds something that works for her and her son.


Marsupialmom's Avatar Marsupialmom 02:53 PM 12-26-2011

The reason I asked is because there is real versus imagine risk.

 

1. She/He fell asleep -- that can be real but a symptom of another issue.  If the child is in a safe place and parent falls asleep because they have just worked a double is different than ignoring your child.  If one parent has to work a lot of doubles or long shifts the situation needs to be evaluated on what is the best interest of the family.  Can the sleeper have a medical issue (my dad had apnea and spent years falling asleep until they figured it out. He started falling asleep again when he developed cancer)?  Does the night time sleep arrangement need to be changed. 

 

Emelie posted several reasons why divorce and not leaving the children with dad.  Emelie's ex was abusive in so many ways. 

 

However, I have heard moms say that the baby will cry the whole time.  Yes, it is sad but you have to let them work it out.  The rush into save and prevent crying at all cost is not always good if other care givers don't get a chance to give care.

 

I also asked the OP because if she could say abusive behaviors then that just means she needs to leave faster. If she cannot list abusive behavior it means she (they) need counseling.  Not parenting like you does not mean abuse, but if she truly fears for her child's life and well being with dad then she needs to actively start the process of moving into a position so she and the child can function without her husband. 

 

I was challenging her to think, really think, about her husband's nature so she can plan accordingly. Evaluate the risk factors so figure out how quickly she will need to move.  Also, I asked so she can evaluate if it is a case of her not liking how he parents.  It might not be how we like it but does not always mean the person is neglectful/harmful. 

 

I have been married with a guy that didn't help.  I was more doing it by myself married to my first husband than when we were divorced.  However, as much of a bad parent he was I never feared for my child's safety.  If I had, I would have left differently. 


Alenushka's Avatar Alenushka 03:20 PM 12-26-2011

If the husband is abusive toward the baby then the right thing to to is to get job and divorce.

 

If the husband simply refuses to be parents then it is time for counseling. If he continues to refuse, then it is  time to get job and get a divorce.

 

To me, whole point of having a child with a partner is to have a partner who raises a child with you.  You are raising a child. Your husband is just wallet . Well,  do  you want your child to have wallet or a father?

 

Wallet can be bought for $1 at Wallamart. Fathers are priceless.

 

Yes, baby will cry when left with dad sometime. Sometime certain thing will not be done the way you do it but it is perfectly fine. Research has shown that dad play and interact with children in a different but equally beneficial  ways.

 

 

 

Just back your gym bag, give them baby to your husband and go. inform him how long you will be a the gym, or coffee shop because it is considerate thing to do.

 

I would not do it on he day when the man worked 16 hour shift or what not, but the eh week ends, after he slept in, totally.


OrangeMoon's Avatar OrangeMoon 04:54 PM 12-26-2011

Maybe I missed a post, but I think it is actually a really common issue between parents where one works and one stays home, of how much the working parent should hands on parent when they are at home. If it's more punishing because you chose to stay home, I would for sure get counseling. My DH is a doctor, I sah with the kids, but when he's home we both "hands on" parent equally. Hands on as in not watching tv in the other room, but actually playing, etc. with the kids. Sorry hun, what a sucky situation :-( (((hug)))


maba's Avatar maba 08:50 PM 12-26-2011

Thanks again for all your input. I have to clarify some things. DH is NOT abusive, he would NEVER hurt DS, he is not a financial deadbeat - he is in a well-paying job, he can be an emotional deadbeat at times. He just is not a hands-on parent. He thinks his duty as a father starts and ends with a 529 account. Every time he has extra money, he thinks about putting it into DS' 529 account. But I think his behavior is cultural and has a lot to with how he grew up. He comes from a patriarchal family - he lost his father when he was really young and although his mother was the bread-winner of the family, his grandpa was the patriarch and had the final say in everything. I'm happy he is thinking about the future financial security of DS but I really wish he would spend time to appreciate the things DS does now - like his first words, first steps etc. Just the other day, I insisted he accompany us to the Children's museum to observe how DS plays with the toys and explores the surroundings, but he was so impatient when he was there and wanted to leave soon, and then he just found a corner with a sofa and went off to nap while I was enjoying DS play with the toys. It's stuff like this that annoys me. When I ask him to spend more time with DS, he asks me to look at his work schedule and make sure I don't ask him to do it on days he works or has long shifts. I understand he needs rest etc. but you don't schedule parenting! It annoys me no end when DS walks towards him with extended arms as soon as DH comes home from work and DH completely ignores him and goes about his routine of eating dinner, watching TV, checking mails etc. I just wish he played with DS more and bonded with him w/o me having to ask him.

 

 


~Boudicca~'s Avatar ~Boudicca~ 11:19 PM 12-26-2011

He sounds self-centered and genuinely uninterested in being a father aside from providing a roof over your heads and making sure the kid goes to college.  Are you sure you want to be with someone that treats his offspring like a nuisance?  Because this isn't something that changes (I grew up with a father like this. It did not go well.  It hurts having a parent that just doesn't think they should be bothered with you. It does a real job on your self-esteem).

 

 


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