An argument with DH - give me your perspective - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:07 PM
 
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My dh is always content to have some alone time so his reaction does seem unusual to me. Maybe he is worried this will become a regular thing. Sounds like a lot of changes going on. Maybe you can leave it for a day or two & discuss it more when he is feeling a little less intense.


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#3 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:16 PM
 
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I can usually see both sides of an argument (even if I don't agree) and I don't get it. I agree with Lifeguard, to maybe wait until things are less raw and see if he can articulate why he feels so strongly about it.


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#4 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:18 PM
 
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My dh would have been upset as well if I had stayed the night at my moms. I have never done that (thats why I got married - could not stand living in that house any longer lol) but I have stayed over there later than anticipated (probably til around 7, and they live half an hour away from my house) and he was really upset, more like hurt, because he had missed us and was lonely in an "empty house." 

 

Now, before my ds2, who never leaves my side, he had taken ds1 out for a fairly long day and didnt come back until around 8. I was happy as can be, missed them terribly but was grateful to have alone time. Dh doesn't see it as that. He misses us, and yet when we are home, we drive him crazy :)

 

I know its hard to hear you dh say things like, "I am your dh .... you will sleep here," because it sounds so .... fatherly. I always want to tell my dh, "You are not my parent! Don't give me rules!" But if he wants you home every night, that doesn't sound too horrible. He loves you and your babies. And honestly, even though, yes you are right, your little one probably would have been upset to be woken up, next time just pay closer attention to when they are getting sleepy. Problem solved :)


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#5 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:23 PM
 
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I am ok with him not wanting you guys to stay out of the home, but he was completely wrong to say it was ok and then turn around and dump anger on you when you came home.

 

If he is an adult, he can communicate his position on things without demanding you be a mind-reader. THAT is the problem to me. 


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#6 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:40 PM
 
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I don't agree with the "you only sleep here" thing at all.  I would never be ok with being spoken to like that.  Honestly, I think your dh is acting like a big brat and I wouldn't tolerate it at all.  You had a good time at your mom's house one night...he had a night to himself.  This should have been a win all around (and yes I am fine when guys go out and do "guy" things too).  You weren't out clubbing or doing anything crazy for crying out loud.

 

I won't say anymore since my opinion seems to be the minority here.  And maybe this is why I am no longer married (though my husband would have never behaved that way either).  But I think you are totally right on this one OP and your DH is very wrong.

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#7 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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I can see two possibilities:

 

1. He's controlling and jealous when there's no point to be jealous.

 

2. He was lonely and felt sad all night because he didn't have his family with him.

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#8 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 02:00 PM
 
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Did I miss something, or did he accuse you of cheating? With your baby and toddler along, no less?


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#9 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 02:32 PM
 
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Maybe he's feeling a little lonely and insecure about the move? With the drive being as hard as it was maybe he has some worries about something happening to you and the kids when you are away from him? Something like separation anxiety? Maybe he was just looking forward to spending some time with his family after being apart and with you and the kids being gone it hit him harder then expected? From what you wrote it sounds like a stressful time in general. 

 

If what he said is out of character I'd chalk it up to emotions and once things have calmed down ask him why it made him so upset. And it's possible he was ok with you and the kids being away at first and as the night went on it started to bug him for what ever reason. 

 

I could be way off base, but I do hope you guys get it worked out.


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#10 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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His response makes no sense. My dh was fully aware of how difficult it was to wake up and then get a toddler back to sleep. He'd have understood in a second why I wanted to spend the night in your position and encouraged me to do so. You moved across the country for just this kind of support anyway, right?

"I am your husband and this is our house"? Say what? That sounds weirdly controlling and something I would want to discuss asap.
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#11 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 03:40 PM
 
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Does he take the kids out by himself ever?  Man, just getting my 2 ready to go anywhere in the winter is enough to make me want to stay inside, and if my oldest had to be awakened..omg scary.  But other than that, I think you need to discuss why he feels how he does.  Maybe he can help you understand where he is coming from.  Maybe he was just feeling lonely and wigged out from the move and it came across as controlling.


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#12 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 04:40 PM
 
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Yeah this is really weird to me. My husband would be THRILLED to have a night to himself if DD and I decided to spend the night at my mom's house. He'd spend a ton of time on the internet, reading, or playing video games with a friend. He wouldn't have to do the dishes if we weren't home for dinner (dishes are one of his chores).

 

Also, I think it is awful that he told you it was okay and then changed his mind and yelled at you once you got home. He needs to apologize for that and say what he really means in the future. It's almost like he set up a reason to have an argument, and a stupid one at that! Also, telling you that you can't sleep at your own parents' house is really odd to me.

 

It sounds like he has some issues going on that are deeper than you taking the kids to your mom's for the night. Did you guys get in an argument earlier in the day? Have you guys gotten close to divorce in the past? It sounds like he is really insecure in your relationship, or maybe this situation reminds him of something from his past.


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#13 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 04:50 PM
 
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I'm in the "My husband would love to have a quiet night to himself" camp, but that aside, I don't think you've done anything remotely wrong here.

 

1. You asked him if he minded. He said no.

2. You were staying at your MOM'S house WITH YOUR LITTLE KIDS. I do not get the Cheater's connection at all. I mean, it would be easy for him to verify that you were at your parents' house. It sounds like he has some jealousy and insecurity issues.

3. If he really missed you so much, he could easily have driven the three miles to your parents' house and spent the night there too, seeing as you didn't want to wake the kids and it was cold.

 

 


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#14 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 04:56 PM
 
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Uhhh, I find his reaction very weird and controlling. And my DH had better not ever talk to me that way. He's talking to you like you're a child and he's your parent! You were spending the night at your parent's for God's sake. And the kids should be able to spend the night away from him!

He is WAY over the top. If I were in your shoes, I'd clarify quickly that I will do the same again if I want to, and he'd better chill out. Don't let him start controlling you. It's insidious.
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#15 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady View Post

I don't agree with the "you only sleep here" thing at all.  I would never be ok with being spoken to like that. 

yeahthat.gif Does he expect that you all only sleep there (or with him) for the rest of your lives? That is absolutely RIDICULOUS.

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#16 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Breastfeeding, delayed/selective vax, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, homebirthing mama to son River 8/10/09 and daughter Austen 10/13/11
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#17 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Breastfeeding, delayed/selective vax, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, homebirthing mama to son River 8/10/09 and daughter Austen 10/13/11
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#18 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#19 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#20 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 05:52 PM
 
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I'd have to take the whole relatoinship in context, but that wouldn't fly around here. If dh ever tries to tell me where I can sleep, all hell will break loose, and I absolutely do NOT tolerate passive aggressive bullshit like saying "it's okay" and then reaming me out about it the next day.

 

Honestly...if this were an accurate snapshot of what your marriage is like, I'd be out the door. If it's an unusual reaction (sounds as though that's the case), we'd have a serious talk about it. There are several aspects of his reaction that would be major issues for me.

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#21 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 06:03 PM
 
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My DH would have been upset that I slept the night away with his 2 month old, but right now he would LOVE a night to himself. I kind of get the "you are my wife" thing, but mainly because I have been the one who got really upset when he stayed overnight at a friends and didnt tell me until the last minute. If plans are made, thats one thing, but dont call me up at 10 pm and tell me you arent coming home. However, the fact that he told you it was ok on the phone, but then gave you grief in the morning was not cool.

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#22 of 23 Old 12-20-2011, 08:53 PM
 
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I think since the odds of the OP leaving that late when both her babies were sleeping were slim to none, her dh probably felt like her mind was made up. I'm trying to think like my dh, and that is what he would have saw. If it were MY dh, and if we were in this same situation, he would have known better than to argue with me on the phone, while I am in front of my mom, that late at night. 

 

Sounds to me like the dh just did a, "Ok, I guess you made up your mind" kind of response when the OP informed him of staying the night, then he probably had all night to stew about it, then was extra upset over the fact that she stayed away even longer than she had stated. 

 

I think its more of a situation where his feelings were hurt, not that he is trying to control her. 

 

At least, that's my 2 cents :)


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#23 of 23 Old 12-25-2011, 07:43 PM
 
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Sounds like mother in law jealousy.  He's not as close with them? He's saying THIS is your family.

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