Where did the idea come from that little kids are better off NOT at home with their moms? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 06:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If you don't agree with me, please don't reply, I'm not really in a state to handle attacks and arguments right now! smile.gif 

 

I don't know about in America, but I live in the UK and am constantly hearing about how wonderful it is that the government invests into small children by providing free nursery school places for 3 year olds.  Most people put their kids in when they're 2, and many while they're babies. EVERYONE puts their kid in by 3 though.I understand it's good if the kids are from bad homes and are better offf not with their moms, but EVERYONE  I know, all educated people, really believe their kids are better off with some strangers in child care.  Where they're 'being taught' things.  Why don't mothers know they can teach their kids stuff themselves, and that little babies and little kids are better off with them?

 

I really hope some people on here agree with me, I don't want to start an argument.  I couldn't say this to anyone here, they're all brainwashed to think their kids are better off NOT with them.  It makes me feel really sad for them and for the kids. 

 

 

 

 


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#2 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 06:52 AM
 
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#3 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmm?  Not sure about that blank reply...


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#4 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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in the US in my area we have what is called "Headstart" and i believe it starts  at age 3. most people who send the kids there are lazy and don't want their kids around or they have to work. i don't know many people who actually think kids are better off away from home all day but i sure have known lots of parents who can't be bothered to parent!


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#5 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:09 AM
 
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Hmm?  Not sure about that blank reply...


Missed the part "if you don't agree, please don't reply" - sorry!

 

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#6 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:20 AM
 
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I don't know about in America, but I live in the UK and am constantly hearing about how wonderful it is that the government invests into small children by providing free nursery school places for 3 year olds.  Most people put their kids in when they're 2, and many while they're babies. EVERYONE puts their kid in by 3 though.I understand it's good if the kids are from bad homes and are better offf not with their moms, but EVERYONE  I know, all educated people, really believe their kids are better off with some strangers in child care.  Where they're 'being taught' things.  Why don't mothers know they can teach their kids stuff themselves, and that little babies and little kids are better off with them?

 

I really hope some people on here agree with me, I don't want to start an argument.  I couldn't say this to anyone here, they're all brainwashed to think their kids are better off NOT with them.  It makes me feel really sad for them and for the kids. 

 

If you don't agree with me, please don't reply, I'm not really in a state to handle attacks and arguments right now! smile.gif

 

 


I don't think its so much that "children are better off with strangers" as it is, "Hey, isn't it great that you can get great quality childcare if you need it??!"

 

I work - I HAVE to work (I'm a single mom - without an income we'd be homeless and starving, NOT whats best for my kid even if he was with me 100% of the time) - and I had to hunt for quality childcare that I could barely manage to afford, and couldn't afford without my ex's court ordered child support. One month of childcare where I am runs me $1400. And thats the second cheapest in my area, and the cheapest isn't a place I would send ANY child.

 

It IS great when parents can get good quality childcare, where their children are nurtured and cared for in age appropriate ways, when parents have to work. And no, its not JUST the children who have shitty parents who benefit from good quality childcare - ALL children who need to be in childcare benefit from it.

 

And I DO NOT work because I can't be bothered to parent. I parent 100% all by myself whenever my son is with me (which is 70% of the time). That includes bringing in the paycheck that feeds him. The child support I receive would NOT house and feed us. I must work - therefore my son needs high quality childcare.

 

 

 

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#7 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think its so much that "children are better off with strangers" as it is, "Hey, isn't it great that you can get great quality childcare if you need it??!"

 

I work - I HAVE to work (I'm a single mom - without an income we'd be homeless and starving, NOT whats best for my kid even if he was with me 100% of the time) - and I had to hunt for quality childcare that I could barely manage to afford, and couldn't afford without my ex's court ordered child support. One month of childcare where I am runs me $1400. And thats the second cheapest in my area, and the cheapest isn't a place I would send ANY child.

 

It IS great when parents can get good quality childcare, where their children are nurtured and cared for in age appropriate ways, when parents have to work. And no, its not JUST the children who have shitty parents who benefit from good quality childcare - ALL children who need to be in childcare benefit from it.

 

And I DO NOT work because I can't be bothered to parent. I parent 100% all by myself whenever my son is with me (which is 70% of the time). That includes bringing in the paycheck that feeds him. The child support I receive would NOT house and feed us. I must work - therefore my son needs high quality childcare.

 

 

 


 

 

Sorry, I'm talking about people who DON'T work!  They're stay at home moms but ship their kids out to childcare as early as possible because they think they aren't 'qualified' to look after or teach their children.

 

But I didn't want to argue about this!

 

 


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#8 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:45 AM
 
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yeah, i am not thinking of working parents, either. my first daughter was in daycares from 6 weeks bc i was single and had to work. when i didn't work though, she was with me. the OP is saying parents who don't work think the small children are better to be in these school programs than at home. in my experience, many parents who don't work send the children away so they don't have to parent. or they say "we have to pay for the whole week regardless". i lived in the projects(gov funded housing) where these attitudes were common. i don't see parents who feel the way the OP is describing until the children are 5 and entering kidnergarten.


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#9 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 08:57 AM
 
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I still don't see a problem with it. Not everyone wants to be with their children all of their waking hours, and not everyone wants to be in charge of their children's education. I don't think it makes them bad parents, or lazy. Some parents take on all of that - and thats great. Other parents take advantage of childcare and school. There is something to be said for socializing children - which is definitely not necessary, but can be beneficial depending on the family. There is also something to be said about using the "village" that you have available to you, and if that includes govt sponsored childcare whats so wrong with that? Becoming a mother doesn't mean losing your identity outside of motherhood - and its harder for some to hold onto that when they are with their children all of their waking hours of the day. Or if they only have a few hours to themselves a few times a week.

 

I can't even imagine being a SAHM because of how hard it was when I was one - I hated it with the passion of 100000000 suns. I love my ds, but I do not want to stay at home with him, and if I didn't work I still wouldn't be able to do it 24/7 - I just don't have the right personality/temperment/whatever (I'm certainly not patient enough!). Mom's who WANT to do it all should, but those who don't shouldn't be judged for it.

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#10 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 09:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I should have known that people who don't agree would come on here just to argue.  I guess I'll just keep my thoughts to myself.  Thanks purplerose, though, for having a civil conversation with me about what I was actually talking about!


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#11 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 09:27 AM
 
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Sorry--wrong discussion. I meant to post on a different thread. shy.gif

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#12 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 09:54 AM
 
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I guess I should have known that people who don't agree would come on here just to argue.  I guess I'll just keep my thoughts to myself.  Thanks purplerose, though, for having a civil conversation with me about what I was actually talking about!



people can disagree and still be civil - I'm pretty sure I wasn't nasty. I'm not required to agree, and I really wish I could block this forum from showing up on my feed - but since I frequent the single mama forum I can't. It's very unfortunate really since most SAHM's seem to think that anyone who doesn't spend 100% of their time raising babies is lazy and can't be bothered with their kiddos. oh well. You want to have a judgement day over here all by yourselves go right ahead.

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#13 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 10:39 AM
 
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Well...I see you have more than one child, so frankly your opinion on this baffles me in the "what have I done wrong" (jovial) sort of way.  :) I felt that way, too. Then I had another child.  Now I need a break. So I paid a whole lot of money (I'm in US) to send my very independent 3 year old to school, for three mornings a week. She'd been accompanying me to take her older brother for her entire life, and now it was her turn. She was thrilled. I was thrilled. I suppose it's also personality-dependent, as well. My eldest and I were super attached and enjoyed nearly every moment of eachother's company (well at least during the daylight hours!)  The only reason I sent him to school at 3 1/2 was I was certain he was to go at 4 and by an odd twist of fate his little sister was due to arrive the first week of school in the Fall.  We decided that would be an awful turn of events to our very sweet and attached little guy, so we started a couple of months before the end of the year prior so it wouldn't be such a "Hey, kid, you're being replaced. The new model is here" moment for him and more of a "this is what we do," situation.  I enjoyed every moment with my child, I even sat in the car outside of school rarely leaving in those first weeks (yes, I was the preschool spy mom!).  My second and I do better when we have more time a part from eachother, and I'll leave it at that. ;)

 

So, yesssssssss, I did agree with you, once upon a time. It sounds to me like perhaps you have faced some criticism for making a choice outside of the mainstream where you live and that can't feel good. Take heart, your children are fine home with you and if you love every moment to the extent you cannot fathom sending them to childcare part of the time...that's okay, too!  I had three years like that, myself.  Craving time alone doesn't make one lazy, just different than you.

 

 

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#14 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 01:14 PM
 
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I used to want my kids with me at all times. I was going to homeschool because I could not conceive of shipping my kids off with strangers for 8 hours a day. Or that is how I saw it then. I could do better myself! DD1 did stay with me until she was 6.5 years old so in some ways I guess I did it for a while. But I went on to have 4 children in all. And for me, personally, I can't be everything for all these kids now. I very happily send them off to school, my now 2 year will go next fall when he is 3. He is a little different in that he needs special education and they pay for preschool so he can get his services there. Even if that wasn't going to happen, I very well might of put him in this year anyway, for sure the following school year. I'm not sitting at home watching reality TV the whole time they are gone, but even if I was, nothing wrong with a break! I use that time to care for the other kids at home, cook, clean, run errands, work very, very part time so when those kids that are at school are home with me, we just may have more play time together. 

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#15 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 01:49 PM
 
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I'm a SAHM and my 3.5yo just started kindy 3 afternoons a week, and sometime after he turns 4yo he will move up to five mornings a week. I think it's great! I get time alone and he gets to do things that I would never do with him. Infact the whooooooooole morning he asks every ten minutes if it's kindy time yet. Having some time and space makes me a better mother. I have stayed home since my 1st was born because I think it's best for the kids but just because I think it's better to be home with me instead of daycare every day doesn't mean that he has to be with me every second.

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#16 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 01:49 PM
 
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I totally agree with you. Obviously people who have a legitimate reason like they. Must work it makes sense for. For those who do not work I think it is reallydumb and selfish. That being said though lol if they are selfish maybe it reallyis better the kids are there.

Anyway you have the right idea momma you be in charge of raising your kids and spend all the time you can with them.


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Originally Posted by Love View Post

I totally agree with you. Obviously people who have a legitimate reason like they. Must work it makes sense for. For those who do not work I think it is reallydumb and selfish. That being said though lol if they are selfish maybe it reallyis better the kids are there.
Anyway you have the right idea momma you be in charge of raising your kids and spend all the time you can with them.
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You know Love, I have seen your very opinionated posts all over Mothering and all I have to say is that until you have children you really don't know what you're talking and you might want to be careful what you say as it's probably going to come back and bite you in the ass later.


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#18 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 03:17 PM
 
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Your post about not sending a 3 yo to preschool might better received in the Learning at Home forum.  I'm going to assume that the majority of SAHP's who do not homeschool end up using some sort of preschool or child care at some point before elementary.  

 

If you want to strictly talk about how you think babies are better off home with a parent than in the care of others, well, you might get the kind of conversation here you were hoping for.  However, being that this is a forum on the world wide web, where discussions take place, you have to be okay with voices of dissent. 


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#19 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 03:54 PM
 
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So the woman who cannot accept ideas outside of her own little view of the world is calling me brainwashed?   peace.gif

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#21 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 06:03 PM
 
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And I doubt my DH is paying someone to do his job for a few hours a week so he can kick back and get a pedicure.


Oh, does your DH work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week too?

 

 

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#22 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 06:45 PM
 
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Quote: Originally Posted by lolablitz And I doubt my DH is paying someone to do his job for a few hours a week so he can kick back and get a pedicure. Oh, does your DH work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week too?

No, she only does mom work during her 40 hour work week.

I guess needing to feed my kid and keep a roof over his head is just some lame excuse to not actually be a mom.

But you know what? I mom full time too. I just happen to have another full time job on top of that. It's HARD. And I don't hire babysitters, or have a partner that takes over if bedtime lasts 4hours instead of one. Being a working single mom is HARD. I guess I'm just making excuses though, and really deserve the title of "mom". I'll make sure not to have any more kids, ok? Just so I don't screw up any more.
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#23 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Love View Post

I totally agree with you. Obviously people who have a legitimate reason like they. Must work it makes sense for. For those who do not work I think it is reallydumb and selfish. That being said though lol if they are selfish maybe it reallyis better the kids are there.
Anyway you have the right idea momma you be in charge of raising your kids and spend all the time you can with them.
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A bit judgmental? Having a life outside motherhood does not make one less of a mother. What fricking stupidity!
As for the OP, bravo for funding and arming the mommy wars. Nice try asking others to only post if they agree with you. Very mature. 

 

I don't even know why I am responding to this thread. It is a waste of my precious time. 

 

 

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#24 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:12 PM
 
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......or have a partner that takes over if bedtime lasts 4hours instead of one. Being a working single mom is HARD.



Maybe this is what they don't understand. I am lucky enough that I get (barely) enough money from the government to be able to stay home with my boys but it still hard being the only one here, all the time. I can not do it all by myself because I'm not super human. Guess I'm super lame too. Oh, and selfish.

 


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#25 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:15 PM
 
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This thread is interesting and it's sad to see mamas feeling defensive. Mothering is hard enough as it is without all the judgment!

 

I'm a WAHM now and I can understand why a mother would choose to do childcare. Sometimes I just really want time to myself. When I was pregnant, I thought I would devote myself selflessly to the needs of my child(ren), but reality is that spending 24/7 with a baby is hard. I could use more patience. I know lots of people who choose to send their kids somewhere by age 2-3 and are happier for it. 

 

If a mother thinks she can be a better parent when she's not 24/7 with the kids-- she knows herself and the situation best. 

 

 


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#26 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:18 PM
 
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Quote:
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......or have a partner that takes over if bedtime lasts 4hours instead of one. Being a working single mom is HARD.



Maybe this is what they don't understand. I am lucky enough that I get (barely) enough money from the government to be able to stay home with my boys but it still hard being the only one here, all the time. I can not do it all by myself because I'm not super human. Guess I'm super lame too. Oh, and selfish.

 


Yeah. I'm a really bad "mommy" though because I look forward to the days my ds is with his dad. I get some actual time to myself to recharge, which I think makes me a better mom. Guess it just makes me even worse though, because, you know, moms shouldn't need help. Moms should be 100% involved in their children 100% of the time. Yuck. I'm glad I hang out mostly with the other single mamas.
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#27 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:21 PM
 
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This thread is interesting and it's sad to see mamas feeling defensive. Mothering is hard enough as it is without all the judgment!

 

 

 



See, I'm not even feeling defensive. I am 100% ok with my choices and think I'm a pretty good Mum, I just think some comments on this thread are so ridiculously close minded and judgmental that it's actually a little bit sickening.

 

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#28 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:22 PM
 
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i do spend nearly 24/7 with my babies and it is really hard. when they get a little older i will look forward to putting them in some sort of group care for a few hours here and there. Patly to get a few hours to catch my breath, but also in large part because i think it is great for them to learn from different folks in different ways than i am. I dont know everything or like everything and i want them exposed to all the wondrous variety of life. the easiest way to do that is to send them to a great day care. 

It is not shipping my kids off or having someone else raise them, its being a part of the village.

 

now i feel bad if any mom thinks she is not good enough to be the most important person in her kids life, that is different, that is about self esteem.


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#29 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:27 PM
 
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I feel half qualified to comment here because I am half a SAH parent. My husband is the other half! We arranged our schedules so that one or the other of us would almost always be home with baby, because that's important to us. My mom watches her maybe a few days a month, but other than that, she is always with one of us, and we did this at some inconvenience and career problems because it's important to us. But y'know what? She's a baby. I do think it's best for her, as a baby, but as she gets older, I may feel differently. I may want her out in the world more among other people than just us, learning from different people and meeting and bonding with different people--and that's okay. Everyone has to make their own parenting decisions and we won't all make the same ones. And much as I love my babe, I do not want to be around her every single second. I do need some time for me, and some time to do something different, which is one reason I'm glad I can work part-time and do something other than care for baby. And when she's 3 or 4 and no longer nursing, I'm not averse to the idea of having someone else care for her occasionally when I am home so I can get something else done or just chill a little. Parenting is hard--we shouldn't judge each other too harshly. If someone else feels better being around their kids all the time that is their choice and preference, but we are not all the same.

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#30 of 196 Old 02-10-2012, 07:46 PM
 
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I am a SAHM and my 3 YO has been going to preschool 2 mornings a week since September. She LOVES it. I wouldnt want her there full time, as I do want to be her full time parent at this age, but I dont think her learning things from other people in the community is a bad thing. Her preschool teachers do a way better job at teaching her through play. They can make believe a heck of a lot better than me too. I can also admit I totally enjoy those 2 mornings without her.

 

Moms havent always been everything. It used to be the whole family helped mom out. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings. I think its a lot of pressure to be a childs everything, for both the mother and the child.

erigeron likes this.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
MountainMamaGC is online now  
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