Need to vent - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 04-14-2012, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
ernverry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I am so annoyed right now. After I stay at home during the week with our children, 3.5 and 7 months, while my husband works, he went away on a boating excursion over the weekend, leaving me with the children. It has been nonstop all weekend getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with tantrums, a baby that wouldn't settle. I am sleep deprived and exhausted. What does he do the minute he gets home? He takes an effing nap. He has been on his own all weekend having fun with his friends while I hold down the fort. I am sleep deprived and exhausted, and now I have to stay up even longer and watch the kids. When is my break? When do I get to nap? I am friggin irritated right now!

That is all.

ernverry is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 04-14-2012, 08:34 PM
 
anjsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

How long can your 7 mo go without feeding? Feed your babe, and then leave for 2 hours. Or if your 7 mo can't be left, take them out for a walk/day excursion and leave 3.5 y/o with him for awhile. He's your DH - their father - he is every bit as responsible for their care as you are. He is not a babysitter. If you are sleep deprived and exhausted, drive down the road and take a nap in your car. I'm not even kidding. It sometimes takes a wake up call for the other parent to realize just how hard what you are doing is.

 

My kids are 3.5 y/o and 14 m/o.  I "snapped" and left when DD was 9 months, for 3 hours. DH was on the verge of nervous breakdown by the time I got back. He has since been considerably more helpful, always thoughtful about making plans and making sure I get time on my own, and frequently tells everyone how difficult my job is and that he could never do it. He makes time for me to get a nap during his weekends. He takes the kids to the park without me once a week.

 

Remind your DH you are working. My DH used to whine about how tired he was, because he had to work and all, until I helped him figure out that I am never NOT working. No days off or 8 hour shifts as a SAHM! I am now more respectful about DH getting worn out, because he also recognizes the work I am putting in.  
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ernverry View Post

I am so annoyed right now. After I stay at home during the week with our children, 3.5 and 7 months, while my husband works, he went away on a boating excursion over the weekend, leaving me with the children. It has been nonstop all weekend getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with tantrums, a baby that wouldn't settle. I am sleep deprived and exhausted. What does he do the minute he gets home? He takes an effing nap. He has been on his own all weekend having fun with his friends while I hold down the fort. I am sleep deprived and exhausted, and now I have to stay up even longer and watch the kids. When is my break? When do I get to nap? I am friggin irritated right now!

That is all.



 

pickle18 likes this.

sleepytime.gifjog.gifSleepy, running, wife to superhero.gif DH 08/09 -  Mama to jog.gif DS 8/08 & love.gif DD 1/11

"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. " - Japanese Proverb

 

anjsmama is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 04-15-2012, 09:58 AM
 
MamaRhi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Oakland, California
Posts: 288
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi emverry, I have been where you are. It's so great that you have MDC to come to to vent.

 

I have some advice for you based on my own experience. I am now a SAHM to a 10 year old and a 13 year old. I am also a single mom because 12 years of exactly what you are describing drove me over the edge with my ex-DH, among other inconsiderate things he did. There are things I would have done differently if I could go back and change things. So that's where I am coming from.

 

When your DH planned this adventure, did he consult you? If not, it would do you both some good to make a regular date to discuss calendar items in advance. If he's going to spend a weekend away, what would help you survive the weekend without him? Do you have a friend or relative who you would enjoy having over to help & visit with for the weekend? What do you need when he comes home? Make sure you work together to create a plan so you both know what's going on and what's needed.

 

I currently live with a boyfriend who believes in the value of my staying home still because I am homeschooling high needs older kids right now and he appreciates the work I do at home. But he still comes home from work exhausted and just wants to collapse in a chair and get dinner and sleep. I saw this and panicked, remembering my ex-DH's disrespect towards me when he was home. Boyfriend and I talked this out and came up with a plan for how to check in with each other. I know he needs a few minutes to settle and collect himself when he gets home before he can face my 10 year old's constant chatter. He also knows I need a break from it even though I was doing it solo before moving in with him. He talked the kids into helping him make dinner one night a week because he knows how much I will appreciate it. Your kids are very little and this is the hardest time to be a mom because the little ones are so innately high needs. If DH could come home and play with them while you get something else done, would that help? Maybe DH and your toddler could make dinner together while you nap with the baby? (A great daddy bonding activity too!)

 

My boyfriend spends a lot of time away on motorcycle adventures. We try to talk things out ahead of time to make sure my needs are taken care of while he's gone. We have plans in place in case there's a kid crisis while he's gone. He makes sure I get my time away or just for a nap & knit-cation in another room. Help your DH understand how hard what you're doing is. Talk out how weekends will be spent and find a balance that will work for you. Make sure there are also family weekend adventures.

 

I hope you're able to get the rest you need. Hang in there, you're doing great.

pickle18 likes this.

Disabled queer mama to one preteen, one teenager, 5 cats, 7 chickens, & 1 dog

...granola punk urban homesteaders...

homeschool.gifautismribbon.gif

"I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love."

-Gandalf, The Hobbit

MamaRhi is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 04-22-2012, 02:00 PM
 
pickle18's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by anjsmama View Post

My kids are 3.5 y/o and 14 m/o.  I "snapped" and left when DD was 9 months, for 3 hours. DH was on the verge of nervous breakdown by the time I got back. He has since been considerably more helpful, always thoughtful about making plans and making sure I get time on my own, and frequently tells everyone how difficult my job is and that he could never do it. He makes time for me to get a nap during his weekends. He takes the kids to the park without me once a week.

 

Remind your DH you are working. My DH used to whine about how tired he was, because he had to work and all, until I helped him figure out that I am never NOT working. No days off or 8 hour shifts as a SAHM! I am now more respectful about DH getting worn out, because he also recognizes the work I am putting in.  

 

yeahthat.gif  Couldn't have said it better myself!!!  I am a SAHM to only one lil boy, who I love more than anything - but he is high needs, and what I do IS work.  I have to remind myself of this, too, as well as remind DH.  I don't get any time off - I am on-call all night long, long after DH goes to bed and before he wakes up.  My job never stops.  (eta: Heck, I can't even go pee by myself, or when I want to go!  DH is not likely to understand that, haha)  And just because I enjoy it, doesn't mean it isn't work - lots of people enjoy their careers - everyone has good days and bad days, etc.

 

I have to stay in constant communication with DH about this.  He will start to forget, talk about how exhausted he is from the office, how he wishes he could stay home, etc. and a lil while watching the baby alone (even just so I can shower or whatever) usually does the trick. winky.gif  I then get alot of "is he like this ALL DAY LONG???" and "wow, is this what you do all day everyday??? I didn't realize..."

 

Constant communication helps everyone's needs get met.  You can't expect DH to read your mind - I don't know that you did this, so forgive me for mentioning it, but it's something I have to remember myself!  Sometimes it seems *so obvious* to me that something is too hard or ridiculously insensitive, when DH is just clueless.  Sometimes, as mamas, we take on so much by default, and do it so well every day that our SOs think we are fine, when we are really two minutes away from meltdown.  When plans like this come up, he should check with you about whether you think it's ok for him to go, what help you might need to make this feasible, what should happen when he gets back, etc. (like a PP said).

 

Something else that is important for me to remember: talk and check in as often as possible, because you don't want it to devolve into a situation where you are adversarial or resentful - some kind of "whose job is harder" pissing contest.  If your DH says he is tired, then respect it, as you would want to be respected.  It's a two way street. thumb.gif

 

On a final note - I completely understand the vent.  I would have lost it!!! irked.gif  But hopefully, it can be learning thing for you guys so it happens less often going forward.  Good luck!


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

treehugger.gif * femalesling.GIF * ecbaby2.gif *cd.gif * familybed1.gif * bf.gif * namaste.gif *

pickle18 is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 04-23-2012, 09:28 AM
 
gozal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 563
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I know it's not this easy, but...

 

Why did you let him nap? Why didn't you wake him up?

 

I think you should discuss your exact expectations for one co-parent taking a weekend away. Did you plan this together? Have expectations of what he would do when he returned, or how you too would get a refershing break? I don't do weekends away from my kid (DH does), but if he is away, then I need the next weekend to have lots of quiet time for me. He in "on" and I am "off." Not easy to accomplish but we work on it...together.

 

 


Me + DH + DS ('07) + after a long and bumpy road, thrilled that our twin boys are finally here (DS2 & DS3, '12)

gozal is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 04-23-2012, 09:33 AM
 
journeywooz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 93
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

ugh, i feel ya.  dp went away for a 4 day basketball tournament across the country last summer and like a hour after he came home, i was exhausted......and you know what he did?? went out and played basketball at a local gym for two hours.  men.  and he wonders why i had ppd with both kids.  irked.gif

journeywooz is offline  
Reply

Tags
Stay At Home Parents

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off